Savage Love Podcast
Check out the all new Savage Lovecast site!
Got a question for Dan Savage?
Call the Savage Love Podcast at 206-201-2720
or email Dan at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Savage Love Archives
More from Dan Savage
Holiday Charity Challenge Day 11! Macklemore & Ryan Lewis In the Lead, Pearl Jam Fans Not Far Behind, Slog Fans Clearly Planning to Surge to Victory in Final Days! Seattlish Nears 2K, Seahawks Fans Still AWOL!
SLLOTD: Err on the Side of the Three-Way
Holiday Charity Challenge—Day Nine! Macklemore & Ryan Lewis Retake the Lead! Seattlish Nears Quadruple Digits!
Books by Dan Savage
- American Savage
- It Gets Better: Coming Out, Overcoming Bullying, and Creating a Life Worth Living
- The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage, and My Family
- Things I've Learned from Women Who've Dumped Me
- Skipping Towards Gomorrah
- The Kid: What Happened After My Boyfriend and I Decided to Go Get Pregnant
Want a Second Opinion?
Contact Dan Savage
Gay Ol' Time
December 2, 1999
When one makes generalizations about three billion people -- like, say, "men are bad at monogamy" -- one should keep in mind that there will be tens of millions of exceptions. However, men are bad at monogamy, and gay men are especially bad at it. Perhaps your boyfriend is one of the exceptions, but you clearly are not.
You have two options. Option #1: Have sex with other guys with your boyfriend's permission. Of course, option #1 will require you to "bring this up again," risking your relationship's survival. Before you ask him anything, though, ask yourself this: If you aren't sexually compatible, if you have different ideas about monogamy and faithfulness, are you and he really a match? However much you love him, do you belong together? And if you stay together, what are the odds that you'll become ever more miserable and eventually resent your boyfriend, and sabotage your relationship? Either way -- you ask and he dumps, you don't ask and you drive him off -- you'll end up alone, so why not ask and risk getting what you want?
Option #2: Have sex with other guys without his permission. This is a popular strategy among non-monogamous men, gay and straight, whose partners expect monogamous behavior. Cheating is always naughty, of course, and you'll spend time roasting in purgatory for it, but there are degrees of naughtiness. Don't do anything in the bed you share; don't mess around with anyone he knows; don't mess around when you're both in the same time zone; and don't "date" anyone else -- keep it strictly sexual. Also, don't do anything that puts your boyfriend at risk of any big-time STDs. Limit your outside activities to rolling around and jerking off. Depending on who you're rolling and jerking with, these activities still put your boyfriend at a small risk of some small-time STDs, so make sure you have a good excuse ready if you bring home crabs.
I'm 22, gay, male, and have been out for six months. The first gay people I knew were always nice and loving, and just wanted me to be a part of their happy gay pride club. Well, this is no happy club! At first I thought I was unhappy because I was new on the scene and people didn't know me. So I started hanging out at the bars more, and the after-hours parties, and fucking the more popular people.
But as I sat in my friend's house this Sunday afternoon while someone snorted coke off the coffee table, someone else phoned their dealer to get more K, and someone else counted how much E they had left, I came to a realization: I'm not happy or proud! There's no community! I may be gay, but I don't like being sketched-out at 4:00 in the afternoon. I don't like having 55-year-old men grope me in bars, and I don't like taking my shirt off to show the world how much time I spend at the gym! There's no community or love.
Anyway, I wanted to say thank you. Thank God for you and all the other wonderful, caring, considerate, and realistic straight people in the world. You can be a part of my community any time, dude.
Don't be thankin' God for me and "all the other straight people," Jason. Maybe it's been a while since I've mentioned it, but I'm a cocksucker, dude, just like you. While some find me to be "wonderful, caring, considerate, and realistic" -- and some do not -- I assure you that no one has ever found me between the legs of a biological female lapping away at her reproductive organs. Dude.
Look, I'm sorry you've had a bad six months. I sympathize. When you were closeted and miserable you were probably led to believe that there was this big, welcoming community waiting for you, and that after you came out everything was going to be rainbows and pride parades and hearts and bunnies. Welcome to the real world, Jason. There is no such thing as the "gay community" or the "straight community" -- there are only people. Some are straight and some are gay; some are good and some are bad. Smart people seek out good people and avoid bad ones.
And dude, it sounds like you aren't being smart. You're making dumb choices, and what's worse, blaming everyone else for them. The "gay community" is not forcing you to hang out with drug addicts and fuck "the popular people" and get sketched-out at 4:00 in the afternoon. If you don't want to take your shirt off in a bar, then don't take your shirt off. If you don't wanna be groped by 55-year-old men, don't act like a skank in bars where 55-year-old men feel like they can grope every shirtless 22-year-old with dilated pupils. If the choices you're making are making you miserable, well then, I'd suggest you make other choices. Dude.
I am a 24-year-old Gay male. I have been involved with a 31-year-old married man for the past one-and-a-half years. I love him with all my heart, and he truly loves me. There is a problem, however: his wife of four years. I don't know who's dumber, her or me, but she knows about me and she still stays with him. I guess if I didn't have to work -- he supports her -- I would stay with him, too. This isn't one of those regular love things, either. We're talking soul mates. Please send me some Gay wisdom.
Some wisdom: First, don't capitalize gay. It's silly. Second, there's no such thing as "Gay wisdom." Third, DON'T MESS AROUND WITH BISEXUALS. Fourth, DON'T MESS AROUND WITH MARRIED MEN. And fifth, if you're going to stay with this guy, you'll have to get used to your boyfriend having a wife.
Sure, you're in love, you're soul mates -- whatever -- but he's bi and he's married, and you knew that the first time you put his dick in your mouth. If you can't live without him and he won't leave his wife, well, what are you going do? You'd be the prime suspect if his wife died mysteriously, so I wouldn't advise that you kill her. No, just as she's resigned to you and the role you play in her husband's life -- and let's be clear, it's a secondary role -- you'll have to resign yourself to her. Or, hey, here's an idea: Dump your bi boyfriend and find yourself a soul mate who's capital "G" gay, just like you.