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Crossing Over
November 26, 2009
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JOE Newton
I am a 29-year-old single straight man. Over the past year, I have become very close friends with a gay man close to my age. We have a blast hanging out, and I value our friendship. Four months ago, he told me that he had developed romantic feelings for me and said he needed a little space to save our friendship. For a couple of months, we saw each other only with mutual friends. Then we started hanging out again. It's been great, and he seems very comfortable with me again. The thing is, I am now experiencing a sexual attraction to him. I have never been with a man and I am very attracted to women, but it doesn't bother me that I suddenly feel this way.
I have been thinking about asking him if he wants to have a sexual experience with me. I think he would go for it. A long-term romantic relationship with him does not interest me, but I do love him as a friend and don't want to risk losing that. Is it possible this could be just a one-time thing that brings us closer as friends, or is it more likely to ruin our friendship? He is the only guy I have ever been attracted to, and I want to have this experience.
Straight Except For One Guy
While you're open to having a gay experience with your friend, SEFOG, he would probably prefer to have a gay relationship with someone. The fact that he can't "have you"—i.e., you're never gonna gay marry him—may make him reluctant to fuck your ass. Having sex with you could obviously reignite feelings he made an effort to squash to "save the friendship"—duh—and he may dread the feelings of jealousy and inadequacy that could swamp him when the inevitable happens and you wind up in a LTR with a woman.
All that said, SEFOG, I'm going to share a little secret with you about gay men: We're men, real men, just like straight men. We're good at having sex without getting emotionally attached—some of us are a little too good at it—and a single gay man, like a single straight man, rarely passes up a chance to get with someone he's attracted to, even if he wants more than that person can give. About the only thing that gay men are better at than straight men—besides deep-throating—is maintaining friendships with exes, one-night stands, friends-with-benefits, fuck buddies, et al.
Lob your balls into your friend's court, SEFOG, and see what he says. You were able to remain friends after he confessed his attraction to you, so I don't see why you won't be able to remain friends after you confess your attraction to him.
I'm a woman with an extremely gorgeous, brilliant, openly (mostly) gay friend whom I've been having sex with infrequently but regularly over the last six months. I know why I'm doing it: I enjoy his company, he's hot, the sex is incredible. But I'm not sure why he's having sex with me, a straight girl. The most I could get out of him is that he thinks I have a "masculine sexuality." I'd like to have a clearer understanding of where our friendship/sexual relationship stands. I am a person who likes to talk about everything, and he is not.
Confused Over Male Eroticism
I would hazard a guess that your (mostly) gay friend is doing this—doing you—for the same reasons you're doing him: He enjoys your company, you're hot, and the sex is great. As for where you stand, COME, well, that depends on what you want. Do you want hot sex with a hot guy every once in a while? Then you're in good standing. Do you want a relationship? Then you're deluding yourself. Very few gay-identified men are secretly closeted straight guys, COME. When a bisexual guy identifies as gay, it's typically because he's not romantically attracted to women. He can fuck women, but he doesn't fall in love with women. Most bisexual guys are the opposite of your (mostly) gay friend, i.e., they can fuck men but they don't fall in love with men, which is why most bi guys identify as (mostly) straight.
I wanted to satisfy my curiosity of getting a blowjob from a guy. I found one online willing to do the deed, and we met and he started. After about 15 seconds, I stopped him. It was not for me and did not feel right. Now, in reality, what are my chances of getting a disease? Low? Medium? High? He did not use a condom. I know you are going to say to get tested, which I probably will. But in your opinion, are my chances so great that I should run to the clinic? Would it matter the time length of the BJ? Say, if it were 10 to 15 minutes instead of seconds? Thanks for your time.
Sent From My iPhone
My apologies to Jerry Herman: It only takes a moment to contract a sexually transmitted infection you could have your whole life long, SFMi. If the guy who blew you—however brief the blowjob was—had syphilis or chlamydia or herpes or all three, you could've contracted any or all of them. You can't contract an STI from a guy who doesn't have any STIs, of course, but what do you think the chances are that a guy who blows strangers he meets online has an STI? Low? Medium? High?
Go get tested, SFMi.
I'm a 23-year-old lesbian who's been in a relationship with a bisexual woman. She's always had a fantasy about guy-girl-girl three-ways, so about five or so months ago, we decided to invite her best friend, "Roger," into bed with us. We've both been pretty happy with the arrangement. At the start, I refused to have sex with him. But about two months ago, I decided I wanted to try it, never having had sex with a guy myself. I couldn't get into it, so we stopped after two minutes. Since then, I've missed two periods and done four home pregnancy tests—all positive.
How the hell am I going to break the news to my girlfriend? We used condoms! I'd like to keep the baby and raise it with my girlfriend, but we have been living with each other for only a year. And how do I break it to Roger, if at all?
Gay Baby Mama Drama
How do you break the news to your girlfriend? The same way you break it to Roger: without further delay. Keeping the baby is your decision and your choice, GBMD, but it's a decision you have to make in consultation with your girlfriend if you're counting on her to raise this baby with you. And as your ultimate choice will have enormous potential consequences for Roger, both emotional and financial, he needed to be informed of your condition three pregnancy tests ago.
Your girlfriend may not be ready for the
kind of commitment that coparenting represents. Roger may be
nontraditional in the whole three-ways-with-hot-lesbians sense but
traditional in the wants-to-be-the-father-of-his-child sense. You need
their input as you make this choice, GBMD. And you have choices in
addition to abortion or keeping the baby. There's also open adoption.
In an open adoption, you pick the family the child is placed with, and
you and Roger can have ongoing contact with the child after adoption.
You can learn more about open adoption at www.openadopt.org. 
1
Awesome column as usual! Thanks for mentioning open adoption as a choice (as if you'd forget!) It is too often left out in the whole prolife/prochoice death match.
2
The last letter smells like a fake!
First time with a guy? Check
Short time with dick? Check
Used condom? Check
FAKE
First time with a guy? Check
Short time with dick? Check
Used condom? Check
FAKE
4
A plethora of letters today! Such an early Thanksgiving treat! Lots of variety too. A very nice read.
5
@2, based on her stated aversion to males, I'm sure she only wished that it had just been two minutes...and first time with a guy has NO bearing on ability to get pregnant. Keep in mind also that most people use condoms incorrectly, which means that almost one in five times they don't work.
7
@5, yeah that's a fair point.
Still smells like something cooked up by an adult magazine with a threesome and the age of the participant.
Reminds me of the story about the woman who had sex with one of guy's 5 brothers in the dark during a snowstorm.
Still smells like something cooked up by an adult magazine with a threesome and the age of the participant.
Reminds me of the story about the woman who had sex with one of guy's 5 brothers in the dark during a snowstorm.
9
Nice as usual Dan, although it would also be good for SEFOG to tell his gay friend that he's definitely not interested in a relationship at all, no matter what. Don't let him get any false hopes.
Also, the first guy the chick has sex with, for only 2 minutes, AND wearing a condom and she got pregnant?!? I'm guessing that kid is the messiah or something.
Also, the first guy the chick has sex with, for only 2 minutes, AND wearing a condom and she got pregnant?!? I'm guessing that kid is the messiah or something.
10
"stopped after two minutes"
Was it the first two minutes or the last two minutes? Makes a difference if you are getting pregnant.
Was it the first two minutes or the last two minutes? Makes a difference if you are getting pregnant.
11
GBMD needs to go to the doctor and get a blood test for pregnancy. Four positive home tests doesn't necessarily mean she's pregnant... those things give false positives all the time. Before she goes stressing anyone out, she needs to get this confirmed for certain with a doctor.
12
@7: If this were cooked up by someone to get their sex fantasy into Dan's column, they would have focused more on the sex and less on the negative consequences thereof.
13
maybe he got sperm on his fingers taking off a condom and then put those fingers in her vagina without washing first. always wash your hands, do it for the children. (or hopeful lack thereof)
14
She was all for the threesome, even though she was so icked out she pretty much forced herself to have sex with him? And the decision to 'raise the baby with (her) girlfriend' came pretty quick...
Just sayin'.
Just sayin'.
15
Dan, your bullshit detector is usually pretty damn good, but I think you missed some crap on the last letter. I've heard/seen/read it all, and that was not real.
16
I am horrified by the advice to SEFOG. His gay friend probably went through a lot of emotional work to get past his attraction for the sake of the friendship. Anyone who has done this knows that it's not an easy thing to do. It requires a lot of meditation, affirmation, and just plain getting a fucking grip.
For the straight friend even to consider bringing up those old feelings is thoughtless. To advise the straight friend to do so is like telling someone to rip the scabs off of a healing wound. It WILL leave a scar.
I really hope the gay guy recognizes himself in this letter and protects himself emotionally, since nobodey else seems to give a shit about him.
For the straight friend even to consider bringing up those old feelings is thoughtless. To advise the straight friend to do so is like telling someone to rip the scabs off of a healing wound. It WILL leave a scar.
I really hope the gay guy recognizes himself in this letter and protects himself emotionally, since nobodey else seems to give a shit about him.
17
As an adult adoptee, something bothers me about Dan's last response. She never mentioned anywhere that she wanted to make an adoption plan; however, she made it very clear that she wants to parent the baby. It just appears that he was pushing adoption on her, which is just as bad as pushing abortion or parenting on someone. There are resources out there for single parents, and if she can raise a child on her own, than it shouldn't be totally out of the question. Sure, abortion and parenting are not your only options, but adoption (like the other two choices) only works under the right circumstances.
I was adopted in a broken system, and ran away from my parents as a teenager, so me and Dan have different experiences with adoption; however, we do agree on one thing. If you adopt, go with an open adoption. That way your child won't be growing up in a web of lies and shame. Also, while I have met with some nice social workers, the one that worked on my case failed in so many fucking ways. I do not understand how a woman that has all the signs of an alcoholic, who cannot keep a stable job, and has had anger problems in the past, can pass the intense interviews that come with adoption. What an incompetent goof ... I suggest to birthmothers not to leave it up to a social worker to choose the parents for your kid.
I was adopted in a broken system, and ran away from my parents as a teenager, so me and Dan have different experiences with adoption; however, we do agree on one thing. If you adopt, go with an open adoption. That way your child won't be growing up in a web of lies and shame. Also, while I have met with some nice social workers, the one that worked on my case failed in so many fucking ways. I do not understand how a woman that has all the signs of an alcoholic, who cannot keep a stable job, and has had anger problems in the past, can pass the intense interviews that come with adoption. What an incompetent goof ... I suggest to birthmothers not to leave it up to a social worker to choose the parents for your kid.
18
Those home pregnancy tests do -not- give false positives all the time! At least not modern ones. An individual test is 97% accurate, and using multiple tests means that the likelihood of one being wrong is much reduced.
As for getting pregnant from one brief fuck, that's how I came into this world. How many people here don't know basic biology, or is this abstinence "sex-ed" you Americans have had to put up with?
Condoms are 85% effective in "real world" circs when having regular sex over a year. If an average couple have sex 3 times a week, that makes it a 0.1% chance per event that someone could become pregnant, even with the condom. Looks like our friend here had that one-in-a-thousand event.
Anyway, girlfriend needs to talk to her partner stat, and when decisions have been made, to potential daddy-to-be.
As for getting pregnant from one brief fuck, that's how I came into this world. How many people here don't know basic biology, or is this abstinence "sex-ed" you Americans have had to put up with?
Condoms are 85% effective in "real world" circs when having regular sex over a year. If an average couple have sex 3 times a week, that makes it a 0.1% chance per event that someone could become pregnant, even with the condom. Looks like our friend here had that one-in-a-thousand event.
Anyway, girlfriend needs to talk to her partner stat, and when decisions have been made, to potential daddy-to-be.
19
Trix - yeah. American ignorance about what ACTUALLY happens when you have sex is amazing. But then, look at their teen pregnancy and STD figures- that "abstinence only" education sure is awesome...
And yeah, you can get pregnant the first time, you can get pregnant with just a few seconds of penetration, you can get pregnant even WITHOUT penile penetration if you're not careful (though that is pretty unlikely), hell, there's a remote chance you could get pregnant even if the guy didn't come (precum, ladies and gentlemen, has some sperm cells in it). Also, douching with Coke doesn't help, and the name for girls who agree to the "I'll pull out, honest" method is "mothers."
Yeesh.
And yeah, you can get pregnant the first time, you can get pregnant with just a few seconds of penetration, you can get pregnant even WITHOUT penile penetration if you're not careful (though that is pretty unlikely), hell, there's a remote chance you could get pregnant even if the guy didn't come (precum, ladies and gentlemen, has some sperm cells in it). Also, douching with Coke doesn't help, and the name for girls who agree to the "I'll pull out, honest" method is "mothers."
Yeesh.
20
Dan, I do feel some how uncomfortable and uneasy for the answer you gave to SEFOG, because i am that fucked up guy that had to sacrifice love for friendship too many times. I am more concerned about the emotional wellfare and subsequent emotional fall out of the gay friend .
Any way, I am taking the opportunity to wish all readers, the stranger staff and Dan and his family a happy thanksgiving.
Any way, I am taking the opportunity to wish all readers, the stranger staff and Dan and his family a happy thanksgiving.
21
While not as horrified as 16, I do agree with the sentiment. Dan, if you were going to suggest that this guy confess his attraction to his gay friend, you should have pointed out that his friend is likely to be extremely uncomfortable with this. Any guy concerned enough to back off for a while to protect his friendship is probably going to be offended at being approached to satisfy what is 99.99% likely to be nothing more than a straight guy's random curiosity about gay sex.
22
@19
Take a gander:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12286…
A study in Boston, Massachusetts, and another study in New York City examined samples of pre ejaculate fluid from HIV seropositive and HIV seronegative men to determine whether HIV was or was not present in pre ejaculate fluid. The researchers found macrophages and CD4 lymphocytes in most samples, indicating that HIV was present. The more significant finding, however, was that most pre ejaculate samples did not contain any sperm and those that did had only small clumps of a very small amount of sperm which seemed to be immobile. A larger study is needed to verify these results. If these results are confirmed, they may dispel the myth that pre ejaculate fluid contains sperm.
Take a gander:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12286…
A study in Boston, Massachusetts, and another study in New York City examined samples of pre ejaculate fluid from HIV seropositive and HIV seronegative men to determine whether HIV was or was not present in pre ejaculate fluid. The researchers found macrophages and CD4 lymphocytes in most samples, indicating that HIV was present. The more significant finding, however, was that most pre ejaculate samples did not contain any sperm and those that did had only small clumps of a very small amount of sperm which seemed to be immobile. A larger study is needed to verify these results. If these results are confirmed, they may dispel the myth that pre ejaculate fluid contains sperm.
23
maybe the lesbian girl who was so icked about having sex with a man is now freaked out and having an ectopic pregnancy.. hopefully!!! open adoption or abortion or parenting a unplanned child (and probably a not wanted child for the other two people involved) could all be options, but neither of them really good. good luck and see a doctor!!!
24
The advice to SEFOG is good, balanced -- warning that some people might get attached and hurt, then saying some people might not. Only one way to find out. The gay friend can always refuse, just like the straight guy refused the first time.
http://fasttimesinpalestine.wordpress.co…
http://fasttimesinpalestine.wordpress.co…
25
@23
I think you mean to say that you hope the lesbian writer has pseudocyesis or a psychosomatic pregnancy. An ectopic pregnancy, where the fertilized egg implants outside the uterus, is never a good thing.
I think you mean to say that you hope the lesbian writer has pseudocyesis or a psychosomatic pregnancy. An ectopic pregnancy, where the fertilized egg implants outside the uterus, is never a good thing.
26
I agree with 16.
I was the gay half of that relationship once and I had feelings for the straight guy. When I got over that in order to preserve the friendship, the LAST THING I would have wanted would have been for him to say, "Hey, I'd like to try this gay sex once, but no strings OK? And we have to still be friends after, OK?". If the guy had to pull away in order to keep the friendship, he will get hurt by an offer for sex. Even if he says no, he will spend the next couple of weeks/months being tempted by the offer and mentally shredded by the choice.
My advice? Don't do it unless you're willing to potentially give up the friendship when you reawaken the feelings he has for you.
I was the gay half of that relationship once and I had feelings for the straight guy. When I got over that in order to preserve the friendship, the LAST THING I would have wanted would have been for him to say, "Hey, I'd like to try this gay sex once, but no strings OK? And we have to still be friends after, OK?". If the guy had to pull away in order to keep the friendship, he will get hurt by an offer for sex. Even if he says no, he will spend the next couple of weeks/months being tempted by the offer and mentally shredded by the choice.
My advice? Don't do it unless you're willing to potentially give up the friendship when you reawaken the feelings he has for you.
27
pangursperson - the conclusion of the research was that " the probability of pregnancy is VERY LOW if pre-ejaculate fluid enters the vagina," which I agree with, and as I mentioned above - it's VERY UNLIKELY. However, like one of my best friends who got pregnant while on the Pill and using a condom said - the one in a million chance is 100% for the person who's the "one," and she doesn't really give a fuck how safe the other 999,999 are....
29
Also, douching with Coke doesn't help....
Of course not! Everybody knows that! You have to use Dr. Pepper! Jeez.
Of course not! Everybody knows that! You have to use Dr. Pepper! Jeez.
30
Thanks, Costello; I was wondering the same thing. What's with this assumption that the responsibility for safe sex lies only with the guy who ANSWERED the ad?? It's like we're going back to the 1950s when people said things like "She went and got herself pregnant!"
31
Thank you #16!!! You said what I was thinking the whole time I was reading that. DON'T DO IT! Either of you. It'll end in tears.
32
People are always still making conclusions like "she got herself pregnant" have you read the threads about the girl in the Army, who didn't deploy? They are pretty much saying once a woman makes a contract she has to gerself sterilized or always choose adoption or abortion... The view point of people male and female against women having sex with the same freedom as a man has not really progressed at all...
dixies_fire
dixies_fire
33
Yeah that last letter does sound kind of fake. Only had sex for two minutes and then stopped? And the guy had just come at 1 minute and 55 seconds?
At the same time, plenty of people also use condoms wrong...hard to say...Thanks Dan!
At the same time, plenty of people also use condoms wrong...hard to say...Thanks Dan!
34
@16 etc.
Um, not everyone would be scarred or whatever. He could just say no! I was in a similar situation years in the past. He was the gay guy, I the girl. We were good friends and spent a lot of time together. I was working on getting over my crush on him, he wanted to try to get it on, I said no. We are still good friends. There was no drama.
Um, not everyone would be scarred or whatever. He could just say no! I was in a similar situation years in the past. He was the gay guy, I the girl. We were good friends and spent a lot of time together. I was working on getting over my crush on him, he wanted to try to get it on, I said no. We are still good friends. There was no drama.
35
Domney and Darth are full of it imo. We do not choose the moment of our death, nor do we choose the fickle finger of spermcovered fate that is wielded by the celestial babyplanters. A baby decided it needed to manifest in this weird situation and see what these three yahoos do about it. Likely has nothing to do with real life.
I should know; I deal in erotic fiction!
I should know; I deal in erotic fiction!
36
I agree with the posters above who advise against telling the gay friend about how the writer wants to try being sexual with him. I've been on the straight side of things. The guy said he had feelings for me, but I wasn't interested. I still wanted to be friends with him, and we remained friends until he and I were intimate together (I told him before hand "no strings, and I didn't have the same feelings for him that he had for me, and that I wanted to remain friends). After that, he was heartbroken and didn't want anything to do with me.
Moral of the story: If you want to remain friends with your gay friend, don't tell him you want to fuck him. You don't want a relationship with him, so leave him alone and just be his friend.
Moral of the story: If you want to remain friends with your gay friend, don't tell him you want to fuck him. You don't want a relationship with him, so leave him alone and just be his friend.
37
I feel the need to weigh in on the pre-ejaculate debate. My partner of 9 years has almost no precum. (So little that I have never been able to see or feel or taste any ever, even though there may be microscopic amounts.) We have been practicing "withdrawal" for 6 years, even while I'm ovulating, and I've never gotten pregnant. Perhaps it goes against the odds, but we're going to keep doing it. (We started when having an "unplanned" baby would still be a welcome addition to our little home.)
38
Five months? FIVE MONTHS? If this letter is for real, that woman needs to get to the doctor pronto. You missed that in your advice, Dan. If this woman is really pregnant, she's long past due for an exam (and perhaps an abortion???). She needs to go see a doctor before talking to the girlfriend and "Roger".
Hope she's been avoiding the liquor, just in case it's for real...
Hope she's been avoiding the liquor, just in case it's for real...
39
Letters #1, 2: Totally hot.
As for GBMD: You missed TWO periods and still haven't said a thing to your girlfriend? You do realize that pregnancy is a time-sensitive venture?
Home pregnancy tests are pretty reliable, but get a blood test and find out for sure. Getting a result quickly at home counts for shit if you think you need to do it FOUR TIMES.
Jesus Christ. Tell your girlfriend what's probably happened -- who cares how you tell her? It's not like you fucked Roger without her consent, and it's not like you can really sugar-coat an unexpected pregnancy.
Get thee to a doctor. Get a definitive test. Tell Roger. Then figure out your options together.
@27: Right on. I think more women need to see the numbers that way.
As for GBMD: You missed TWO periods and still haven't said a thing to your girlfriend? You do realize that pregnancy is a time-sensitive venture?
Home pregnancy tests are pretty reliable, but get a blood test and find out for sure. Getting a result quickly at home counts for shit if you think you need to do it FOUR TIMES.
Jesus Christ. Tell your girlfriend what's probably happened -- who cares how you tell her? It's not like you fucked Roger without her consent, and it's not like you can really sugar-coat an unexpected pregnancy.
Get thee to a doctor. Get a definitive test. Tell Roger. Then figure out your options together.
@27: Right on. I think more women need to see the numbers that way.
40
Letters #1, 2: Totally hot.
As for GBMD: You missed TWO periods and still haven't said a thing to your girlfriend? You do realize that pregnancy is a time-sensitive venture?
Home pregnancy tests are pretty reliable, but get a blood test and find out for sure. Getting a result quickly at home counts for shit if you think you need to do it FOUR TIMES.
Jesus Christ. Tell your girlfriend what's probably happened -- who cares how you tell her? It's not like you fucked Roger without her consent, and it's not like you can really sugar-coat an unexpected pregnancy.
Get thee to a doctor. Get a definitive test. Tell Roger. Then figure out your options together.
@27: Right on. I think more women need to see the numbers that way.
As for GBMD: You missed TWO periods and still haven't said a thing to your girlfriend? You do realize that pregnancy is a time-sensitive venture?
Home pregnancy tests are pretty reliable, but get a blood test and find out for sure. Getting a result quickly at home counts for shit if you think you need to do it FOUR TIMES.
Jesus Christ. Tell your girlfriend what's probably happened -- who cares how you tell her? It's not like you fucked Roger without her consent, and it's not like you can really sugar-coat an unexpected pregnancy.
Get thee to a doctor. Get a definitive test. Tell Roger. Then figure out your options together.
@27: Right on. I think more women need to see the numbers that way.
41
Open question regarding SEFOG: What is the likelihood of one or both of these guys sustaining the friendship solely on the "should we/shouldn't we" question?
Not saying SEFOG is being untruthful, but it's possible that his motive could be that he's sticking around his buddy a lot for the booty and vice versa.
They just haven't talked it over and figured that part out.
Not saying SEFOG is being untruthful, but it's possible that his motive could be that he's sticking around his buddy a lot for the booty and vice versa.
They just haven't talked it over and figured that part out.
42
1. As long as SEFOG and his gay friend are completely honest to each other (and themselves) about what they want up front, and what they like to get out of this, I see no problem if they choose to go for it.
3. I'm somewhat baffled by the sentence: 'He did not use a condom.' Was SFMi himself drugged and unconscious during all of this?
4. Dan's advice is solid and to the point. But, I would add, before GBMD does/says anything, she needs to get a REAL test first. STAT.
3. I'm somewhat baffled by the sentence: 'He did not use a condom.' Was SFMi himself drugged and unconscious during all of this?
4. Dan's advice is solid and to the point. But, I would add, before GBMD does/says anything, she needs to get a REAL test first. STAT.
43
@38: She said that she'd missed two periods (so two to three months at most) and had taken four home preg tests.
Agree that five months would be a bit excessive - but it seems that she is prob not further along than 1st trimester.
Agree that five months would be a bit excessive - but it seems that she is prob not further along than 1st trimester.
44
@17, you say:
"If you adopt, go with an open adoption. That way your child won't be growing up in a web of lies and shame."
I am an adopted near-39 year old. 39 years ago they didn't really have 'open adoptions' but I can assure you that my 'closed adoption' did not include any lies or shame. Lies and shame are a result of bad parenting, not adoption. I can't remember ever not knowing I was adopted. My Mom said that she started telling me I was adopted during the car ride home from the hospital. All my life it's been perfectly normal to be adopted. My parents hid nothing and told me I was always welcome to seek out my birth parents if that's what I wanted to do. Something I've mulled off and on.
I'm sorry that your experience was so different and negative, but don't lump us all together for a second.
"If you adopt, go with an open adoption. That way your child won't be growing up in a web of lies and shame."
I am an adopted near-39 year old. 39 years ago they didn't really have 'open adoptions' but I can assure you that my 'closed adoption' did not include any lies or shame. Lies and shame are a result of bad parenting, not adoption. I can't remember ever not knowing I was adopted. My Mom said that she started telling me I was adopted during the car ride home from the hospital. All my life it's been perfectly normal to be adopted. My parents hid nothing and told me I was always welcome to seek out my birth parents if that's what I wanted to do. Something I've mulled off and on.
I'm sorry that your experience was so different and negative, but don't lump us all together for a second.
45
Dan, I'm a bit disappointed in your advice to SEFOG, especially since you're an advocate of gay people having less sex and straights having as much as they want.
The gay friend confessed feelings to the straight guy - aren't you the one who spoke on "homo-emotional need" Dan?
I truly hate how some of these trolls around here fuck with you, but you shit the bed on that advice Dan...this straight jerk who just wants to have his dick licked and tricked needs to find a different gay guy who doesn't mind fucking a straight dude just for kicks. Be a real friend and leave the gay friend alone - don't confess feelings.
The gay friend confessed feelings to the straight guy - aren't you the one who spoke on "homo-emotional need" Dan?
I truly hate how some of these trolls around here fuck with you, but you shit the bed on that advice Dan...this straight jerk who just wants to have his dick licked and tricked needs to find a different gay guy who doesn't mind fucking a straight dude just for kicks. Be a real friend and leave the gay friend alone - don't confess feelings.
46
I'd like to add my voice to the chorus thanking you for mentioning open adoption. I'm an open adoption birth parent and I definitely think it's an option people need to take seriously regardless of how they feel about abortion.
47
For those of you interested in open adoption, Dan wrote a fascinating book a few years ago called "The Kid," the story of his and his boyfriend's adoption of their child. I'm sure the book has been overtaken by events since the time it was written, but it is a very interesting and entertaining read.
48
@37
The most salient point here is what you say at the end: "(We started when having an "unplanned" baby would still be a welcome addition to our little home.)"
Withdrawal and/or the fertility awareness method can be very effective for some people. Some people shouldn't use it.... women with irregular periods, people with multiple partners (at least don't use this method with all of them... if you're going to use it, use it with ONE partner, barriers with all of the others), and people for whom a pregnancy would be awful.
Statistically, it is the least effective of all contraceptive methods, and using it means accepting that risk.... but for many people (like @37), that risk is worth it. It's all about informed decision-making.
The most salient point here is what you say at the end: "(We started when having an "unplanned" baby would still be a welcome addition to our little home.)"
Withdrawal and/or the fertility awareness method can be very effective for some people. Some people shouldn't use it.... women with irregular periods, people with multiple partners (at least don't use this method with all of them... if you're going to use it, use it with ONE partner, barriers with all of the others), and people for whom a pregnancy would be awful.
Statistically, it is the least effective of all contraceptive methods, and using it means accepting that risk.... but for many people (like @37), that risk is worth it. It's all about informed decision-making.
49
I think Dan was spot on in his advice for the first letter. Regardless of how the gay friend reacts to the straight friend's confession, or if they actually go through with things, or whether things get weird - it's just feelings at stake. People get hurt all the time by following their hearts. Let them take the chance and see what happens. They've only known each other for a year, how bad could the fall out possibly be?
What I said may sound callous, but I've been in the position before of having to confess my feelings to a straight friend who didn't react well. We don't talk much anymore, but at least I know I had the courage to say it and I can handle the aftermath.
What I said may sound callous, but I've been in the position before of having to confess my feelings to a straight friend who didn't react well. We don't talk much anymore, but at least I know I had the courage to say it and I can handle the aftermath.
50
I'm sure that the statistics about condom use cited by various posters here come from highly legitimate sources. However, I feel their effectiveness at stopping pregnancy is being more and more unfairly maligned - obviously not by the sort of people who read Savage Love, but by others with axes to grind e.g. Popes, funders of abstinence education programmes etc etc.
My reason? I've been with my boyfriend for 20 years, and we've used condoms for the whole of that time - pretty normal frequency sex life, 1-3 times a week sometimes more. I've never got pregnant, until we decided to try for a baby. Five weeks after we took the goalie off the pitch, I'm pregnant.
Seems to me those things are bloody good!
My reason? I've been with my boyfriend for 20 years, and we've used condoms for the whole of that time - pretty normal frequency sex life, 1-3 times a week sometimes more. I've never got pregnant, until we decided to try for a baby. Five weeks after we took the goalie off the pitch, I'm pregnant.
Seems to me those things are bloody good!
51
When I was in college a good friend got pregnant the first time she had sex, and they were using a condom. It's like the opposite of winning the lottery, but it can happen.
53
"Lob your balls into your friend's court"
LoL
I'm going to guess the reason she got pregnant from 2 minutes of sex was because he'd already come once and there was some sloppiness putting the condom on. I am not sure why anyone would fake a letter like that.
LoL
I'm going to guess the reason she got pregnant from 2 minutes of sex was because he'd already come once and there was some sloppiness putting the condom on. I am not sure why anyone would fake a letter like that.
54
@11 - actually its pretty rare that a home pregnancy test will give a false positive, and almost impossible that four in a row will. they give false negatives all the time, but false positives are few and far between. that being said, i agree that she needs to get a blood test to confirm.
56
@49 - Did you miss, or are you simply neglecting the fact that the gay guy expressed feelings for the straight guy and the straight guy turned him down? Now that the straight guy wants to try the gay side sexually (NOT emotionally), it's okay?
57
Straight Except For One Guy, I think straight guys whenever they find another compatible guy they'd totally be willing to f*ck without any strings attached, but with the way society sees homosexual relationships its ingrained in people's brain, straight=good and gay=bad [which is complete bulls*it, in my opinion] But I think Straight Except for One Guy is probably making a mistake, he probably likes the idea his friend was completely attracted to him and felt left out when his smart friend decided to put some distance between each other to save their friendship [don't f*ck it up man] he was smart enough to pull away from you because he knew it wasn't going to happen, if he just wanted to f*ck you he'd have said it or made some coy comment on whether you were bi-curios.
58
@23 Please don't wish an ectopic pregnancy on anyone! They are potentially very, very dangerous! If I remember my Planned Parenthood training, the hormonal change of a woman with an _incorrectly_ implanted egg is minimal - as in not enough to warrant a positive urine test. BTW, all the people advocating for open adoptions is one thing, but folks advocating for the opening up of (anonymous) adoption is why some would choose abortion over adoption.
59
I'll throw a anecdotal confirmation to #50 Been with my wife 10 years, condoms the whole time. Two months off the rubber and we are parents, yay!
60
gttim@29: i thought it was red bull. isn't that how it got its name? (get it?) that's what i heard, anyway.
61
Darth, Its completely possible for a lesbian identified woman to get pregnant the first time having protected sex with a man. It doesn't take long at all to get pregnant and a whole fucking lot of pregnancies are due to the failure rate of condoms (thats the very reason why I even exist). I say not fake.
63
SEFOG needs to take a HUGE step back and really analyse things. His friend put his friendship before his physical feelings, surely a clear-cut sign that SEFOGs' friendship is more important than a one-night stand. Whether its a new level of appreciation for his friend or just a sense of curiosity, friendship is not worth risking on a sexual level, that's unless you both are ready to accept the emotional reprecussions a one night stand could have. I'd say do the least for your friend and give him the same respect he showed you, by letting it go.
As far as condoms go, being lesbian there's no need for the pill, which most women i know take like clockwork. Condoms are not 100%, we all know the warnings and people can tear them or put them on incorrectly, so it's not impossible that GBMD could get pregnant, but just unlikely. Still, good luck with telling Roger and your partner!
@27 is spot on, even with the pill and contraception if there's a 1 in a million chance a woman will get pregnant then there's at least one woman who'll get pregnant.
As far as condoms go, being lesbian there's no need for the pill, which most women i know take like clockwork. Condoms are not 100%, we all know the warnings and people can tear them or put them on incorrectly, so it's not impossible that GBMD could get pregnant, but just unlikely. Still, good luck with telling Roger and your partner!
@27 is spot on, even with the pill and contraception if there's a 1 in a million chance a woman will get pregnant then there's at least one woman who'll get pregnant.
64
There must be some unconscious need to express same sex attraction by that "straight" friend... but at the same time have the desire to avoid the stigma of openly pursuing it.
I firmly believe in gaydar, and these two are reading signs subconsciously and acting out accordingly.
The gay guy feels a certain way romantically, but the 'straight' guy feels a certain way sexually [two distinctly different things]; the straight guy will only be able to reciprocate in this sexual fashion, not in the way the gay guy wants- a relationship with intimacy. Unlike, the straight guy, who wants adventure and sexual kicks. These two things are not a good combination. Someone will get hurt.
If the gay guy couldn't distance himself from his emotions and instead literally had to physically distance himself from the situation- what makes you think sex would be such a great idea between the two of them?
And according to the following question 'sent by iphone' [the curious guy]- what would not make you think that once those two initiate the act, that immediately the straight guy will back out because of a realization of his hetero stats. That isn't fair for the gay guy or the straight one too. The friendship is at risk.
I firmly believe in gaydar, and these two are reading signs subconsciously and acting out accordingly.
The gay guy feels a certain way romantically, but the 'straight' guy feels a certain way sexually [two distinctly different things]; the straight guy will only be able to reciprocate in this sexual fashion, not in the way the gay guy wants- a relationship with intimacy. Unlike, the straight guy, who wants adventure and sexual kicks. These two things are not a good combination. Someone will get hurt.
If the gay guy couldn't distance himself from his emotions and instead literally had to physically distance himself from the situation- what makes you think sex would be such a great idea between the two of them?
And according to the following question 'sent by iphone' [the curious guy]- what would not make you think that once those two initiate the act, that immediately the straight guy will back out because of a realization of his hetero stats. That isn't fair for the gay guy or the straight one too. The friendship is at risk.
65
I've been a Dan-fan for quite a while now, but for the first time I'm in disagreement with his advice to to SEFOG.
I'm your cliched straight-but-bi-curious-woman, and although I would love to have sex with another woman, I know I am emotionally attracted to men, period.
I have a lesbian friend who years ago had feelings for me. She also had a history of gay-until-graduation girlfriends, which damaged her self-esteem. I think she's beautiful, clever and sexy, but I'm glad we never had sex just to satisfy my lust/curiousity. SEFOG's wise friend obviously had an emotional struggle to get him to a place where he was cool with them just being friends.
If SEFOG fucks him he's risking playing cruelly with his friend's emotions and possibly losing him.
Good friends are harder to find than fuck-buddies. If SEFOG wants "no strings" he should just look for a hot gay guy with whom he has no history who also want "no strings".
I know people have said "hearts get broken all the time" etc. but that doesn't mean you should actively risk hurting someone you love as a friend when you know there is absolutely *no* future for you as a couple. That's just treating someone like a sex-toy instead of a person. Yeah gay men are real men, but SEFOG's friend obviously wanted more than just a fuck from him, and was man enough to get over it.
I'm your cliched straight-but-bi-curious-woman, and although I would love to have sex with another woman, I know I am emotionally attracted to men, period.
I have a lesbian friend who years ago had feelings for me. She also had a history of gay-until-graduation girlfriends, which damaged her self-esteem. I think she's beautiful, clever and sexy, but I'm glad we never had sex just to satisfy my lust/curiousity. SEFOG's wise friend obviously had an emotional struggle to get him to a place where he was cool with them just being friends.
If SEFOG fucks him he's risking playing cruelly with his friend's emotions and possibly losing him.
Good friends are harder to find than fuck-buddies. If SEFOG wants "no strings" he should just look for a hot gay guy with whom he has no history who also want "no strings".
I know people have said "hearts get broken all the time" etc. but that doesn't mean you should actively risk hurting someone you love as a friend when you know there is absolutely *no* future for you as a couple. That's just treating someone like a sex-toy instead of a person. Yeah gay men are real men, but SEFOG's friend obviously wanted more than just a fuck from him, and was man enough to get over it.
66
@17
"If you adopt, go with an open adoption. That way your child won't be growing up in a web of lies and shame."
I infer from your word choice that you think if a child is adopted in a closed system, that child will certainly grow up in a web of lies and shame. That isn't true.
I was adopted, too, but there was no contact between my family and my birthparents. My parents, however, made sure that I was clear on where I came from and that it was not shameful. My sister was adopted, too; same spiel. I've had many anxieties and sources of trauma, but my adoption has never been among them. For my sister, either, as far as I can tell. Now I'm friends with my birthmom, and it's great, but that was my decision as an adult.
Open adoption is certainly an idea I'm cool with if it works best for all involved, but I don't know much about it so I can't comment further. Non-open adoption, as well. Whichever arrangement you choose, it is only as good as the people who make it.
"I suggest to birthmothers not to leave it up to a social worker to choose the parents for your kid."
This I COMPLETELY agree with. Birthmom carefully selected parents, worked out great, no regrets anywhere. Birthmom said she wouldn't have gone through with it had she not had total freedom to choose. I took that to heart and echo your suggestion loudly.
"If you adopt, go with an open adoption. That way your child won't be growing up in a web of lies and shame."
I infer from your word choice that you think if a child is adopted in a closed system, that child will certainly grow up in a web of lies and shame. That isn't true.
I was adopted, too, but there was no contact between my family and my birthparents. My parents, however, made sure that I was clear on where I came from and that it was not shameful. My sister was adopted, too; same spiel. I've had many anxieties and sources of trauma, but my adoption has never been among them. For my sister, either, as far as I can tell. Now I'm friends with my birthmom, and it's great, but that was my decision as an adult.
Open adoption is certainly an idea I'm cool with if it works best for all involved, but I don't know much about it so I can't comment further. Non-open adoption, as well. Whichever arrangement you choose, it is only as good as the people who make it.
"I suggest to birthmothers not to leave it up to a social worker to choose the parents for your kid."
This I COMPLETELY agree with. Birthmom carefully selected parents, worked out great, no regrets anywhere. Birthmom said she wouldn't have gone through with it had she not had total freedom to choose. I took that to heart and echo your suggestion loudly.
67
Geeez....what a bunch of emotional scaredy-cats! Speaking as the gay guy in a similar stiuation to SEFOG's, I say go for it. Relatively intelligent an communicative adults can make it through a simple fuck. Sometimes, once is all that is needed to give real depth to a friendship.
68
If these two women live together, the girlfriend already knows that something is up with the writer's cycle... because women in same sex relationships are not usually in the habit of keeping track as closely as straight girls,she might not have made any conscience connection between the missing periods and their romp with Roger, but she knows on some level that something is amiss.... and may even be wondering if she should bring it up.
The time to have a little conference about this was yesterday.
The time to have a little conference about this was yesterday.
70
67, would I agree with you if they hadnt been friends, or if one of them hadn't been falling for the other, complete diff they fuck they ruin their friendship. what if straight guy doesn't like it? What if he does? He'll be reawakening to gay men everywhere and won't want to settle.
Your slutty heart is kind in trying to live the moment, but he'll be making a huge fucking mistake.
Your slutty heart is kind in trying to live the moment, but he'll be making a huge fucking mistake.
71
The last letter may be a fake... But, I got pregnant when I was a senior is high school.. I had sex like 3 or 4 minutes with a guy who wore a condom and pulled out... It happens... And yes... I kept the child, and i am currently raising him while in college. If she wants to keep the baby and her girlfriend and the baby daddy don't want it, she definately can raise this baby herself! not the ideal situation, but I am doing it! And no, not on welfare!!
72
I wish that you hadn't suggested adoption to the pregnant lesbian, Dan. She wants to parent--when people say that they want to parent, brightly mentioning that they could have abortions or place their children for adoption is really disrespectful and shitty. The pregnancy seems unexpected but not unwanted--she has my congratulations.
73
@72
You make it sound like Dan was pressuring her not to keep the baby. He was just listing options she may not have considered, options that might make the situation clearer for her.
You make it sound like Dan was pressuring her not to keep the baby. He was just listing options she may not have considered, options that might make the situation clearer for her.
74
Yes, I'm sure that she hadn't realized that parenting isn't her only option. (eyeroll) No, I was saying that it is rude to tell that to a pregnant woman who has announced that she wants to parent--and it unquestionably is.
75
Props to Dan for reminding us, through COME, that there really are some ambisexual people out there (I prefer that term to 'bisexual'). Too many folks fall for the 'either gay or straight' meme, including lots of gay men I know.
76
I'd really like to know: how difficult is it to use a condom properly? Yes, if you try and stick your semi-hard dick into a dry vagina, the condom will probably rip of tear. Likewise if it's too small/big. But how difficult (I was going to say "hard," but there is too much innuendo) is it to use some lube and check every few minutes to see if the condoms is still on? Or to hold it as you pull it out? Yes, I know, even if you use the condom perfectly, there is still that chance of pregnancy (and STIs). BUT COME ON. Stop being lazy or use another method. Or at least a backup method!
78
I think Gay Baby Mama Drama should go to a doctor and check to make certain that she's really pregnant. If she stopped after they had sex with Roger after two minutes, it sounds like he didn't even get the chance to come--which would make it nearly impossible for her to be pregnant, especially with a condom still on. If she wanted a baby that badly, it might be a false pregnancy, which would result in symptoms of both pregnancy AND false positive home test results: http://www.womens-health.co.uk/false_pre…
79
Link isn't working in my last post, so here it is again:
http://www.womens-health.co.uk/false_pre…
http://www.womens-health.co.uk/false_pre…
80
OMFG. Did any of you detractors READ Dan's advice to SEFOG? Perhaps you read the words but were unable to put together the meaning of the sentences.
1) May I remind you that Dan SAID that it's quite probable the friend would NOT want to have sex, precisely because of his feelings for SEFOG?
2) Why is there such fear of open conversation? You people think you know better than the man himself how he would react? Better, of course, not to bring it up at all. Better to sweep everything under the rug. Better not to let people make their OWN CHOICES.
1) May I remind you that Dan SAID that it's quite probable the friend would NOT want to have sex, precisely because of his feelings for SEFOG?
2) Why is there such fear of open conversation? You people think you know better than the man himself how he would react? Better, of course, not to bring it up at all. Better to sweep everything under the rug. Better not to let people make their OWN CHOICES.
81
Am I the only one who wonders WTF is wrong with COME? They're having great sex, they're great friends ... and her response is to constantly analyze why and endlessly talk it out? Isn't there something fundamentally bizarro about somebody who wants to process and therapize (new word) something that isn't a problem?????
82
'I'd like to keep the baby and raise it with my girlfriend, but we have been living with each other for only a year.'
That's a hell of a big non-decision for someone who didn't even get you pregnant. Not to mention, while it's rare, Roger could suddenly decide he'd like the child himself. And perhaps have an upper hand when it comes to child custody since the sex he was having wasn't technically of the homosexual variety. Just something to think about.
That's a hell of a big non-decision for someone who didn't even get you pregnant. Not to mention, while it's rare, Roger could suddenly decide he'd like the child himself. And perhaps have an upper hand when it comes to child custody since the sex he was having wasn't technically of the homosexual variety. Just something to think about.
83
While I agree that the last letter seemed a bit contrived, open adoption is a fantastic idea. My brother and his wife, having had one son, would do basically anything for another. They're excellent parents, and their little boy who is now 5 is doing great. I support a woman's right to choose, but seriously. My brother is a good parent and they've been aching for a baby for years.
84
You know, I can't help thinking that SEFOG and his friend are going to end up opening a clever little antique store in some seaside resort. The whole thing sounds like the prelude to a misunderstanding-filled, happy-ending RomCom.
Or they'll both freak out and never speak again, breaking apart their entire extended network of friends.
Actually, I think those are the only two possible outcomes of this fraught scenario.
Or they'll both freak out and never speak again, breaking apart their entire extended network of friends.
Actually, I think those are the only two possible outcomes of this fraught scenario.
86
I have to agree with #84. When I read this on Friday, I thought about telling my story. We went for Option 2.
Back when I was 21, one drunken night I told my best friend that I had a crush on him (now I'm able to drink without blurting out things I later wish I hadn't said). I told him later that it wasn't his problem ("they call it 'unrequited love'") and that I'd get over it.
His thought was either it wasn't real or if it was real, he'd have to reciprocate in some way. Yeah, we were both young and stupid.
Eventually, I called for a cooling off period. Let's not hang out together. He started crying. I gave him a blow job.
I don't think a month had gone by before we were no longer on speaking terms.
That was more than 25 years ago. We've had some contact. E-mail. Facebook. He's married and he and his wife have kids. I'm married to a guy a met a few years later. We've never spoken to each other since though.
Back when I was 21, one drunken night I told my best friend that I had a crush on him (now I'm able to drink without blurting out things I later wish I hadn't said). I told him later that it wasn't his problem ("they call it 'unrequited love'") and that I'd get over it.
His thought was either it wasn't real or if it was real, he'd have to reciprocate in some way. Yeah, we were both young and stupid.
Eventually, I called for a cooling off period. Let's not hang out together. He started crying. I gave him a blow job.
I don't think a month had gone by before we were no longer on speaking terms.
That was more than 25 years ago. We've had some contact. E-mail. Facebook. He's married and he and his wife have kids. I'm married to a guy a met a few years later. We've never spoken to each other since though.
87
I am 6'6" 380ib bi male (In Detroit w/23). Where are good sites to find safe casual partners in the community that will enjoy and be open to my size. I want to loose weight, and I am, but I don't want to mislead anyone. I am big. But I still want to fuck. Does anyone have any social networks in the metro area?
88
I am the gay guy in love with the straight guy. He's my best friend, the man of my dreams. I love him more than I thought I could love someone. We fucked, lots, for about 6 months. Then he put an end to the sex..."it wasn't for him" and he wants a wife and kids. He was in it for sex, I was in it for love. I was thinking future, he was thinking ass. I changed my life for him/us. He changed his mind. I used to be a strong, independent, rockin' guy with lots going for him. I'm now a wreck wanting him to love me and unable to move on. If I cut ties, I lose the best friend I've ever had. If I stay, I continue the heartache. I wish I was awake enough in the beginning to say NO. SEFOG, think of your friend and take your dick elsewhere...
89
Sheesh. A person can have regular sex with her husband without a condom for 6 years and never get pregnant, but a lesbian has two minutes with one and gets pregnant. If there were a god, he'd be one dumb motherfucker. Or evil. Probably evil.
90
I'll tell you who's evil, that dumb motherfucker Savage. Or why don't we just call him a capital F FAGGOT, he obviously doesn't give two shits about bigotry calling people tards. How about you bring nigger back while you're at it, you fucking FLAMER?
91
If only this shit eating, semen bathing idiot would listen to reasonable people asking for an apology and give them one. But since he's incapable of that, I'm giving this piss drinking fudgepacker the only words that will make any sense to him. You don't deserve any fucking respect from anyone.
92
Come on, FAGGOT ass pussy, where are you now? Passed out on the floor after an all night anal gangbang, figuring out your next tard-bashing caption?
93
Re: Dan's response to Gay Baby Mama Drama:
1) She states in her letter that she would like to raise the baby with her lesbian partner, BUT they've only been together for a year... and she hasn't told her partner about the pregnancy yet. It's true that she said the wants to raise the baby, but she never said she wanted to do so alone... which is what she may end up doing if her partner isn't into that kind of scene. Or she could end up having an emotionally and ethically messy late term abortion, if she doesn't start figuring out and facing reality soon. So though she had said she would (conditionally) like to raise the baby, it was appropriate for Dan to remind her of the other options (traditional adoption, open adoption, and abortion)
2) Bear in mind that advice columnist aren't only giving advice to the person who wrote the letter, they're giving advice to hundreds or thousands of people who read the columns, who may find themselves in a similar situation someday. (Not everyone who reads advice columns is doing so solely as a voyeur.) So again, it was responsible and thoughtful on his part to point out her options (and to encourage her to get a confirming test, and talk to the others involved, as soon as possible). To those who were offended by this, please take a moment to be thankful she lives in an historical perios when she has all of those options.
1) She states in her letter that she would like to raise the baby with her lesbian partner, BUT they've only been together for a year... and she hasn't told her partner about the pregnancy yet. It's true that she said the wants to raise the baby, but she never said she wanted to do so alone... which is what she may end up doing if her partner isn't into that kind of scene. Or she could end up having an emotionally and ethically messy late term abortion, if she doesn't start figuring out and facing reality soon. So though she had said she would (conditionally) like to raise the baby, it was appropriate for Dan to remind her of the other options (traditional adoption, open adoption, and abortion)
2) Bear in mind that advice columnist aren't only giving advice to the person who wrote the letter, they're giving advice to hundreds or thousands of people who read the columns, who may find themselves in a similar situation someday. (Not everyone who reads advice columns is doing so solely as a voyeur.) So again, it was responsible and thoughtful on his part to point out her options (and to encourage her to get a confirming test, and talk to the others involved, as soon as possible). To those who were offended by this, please take a moment to be thankful she lives in an historical perios when she has all of those options.
94
Trix - 85% effective means that couples using condoms get pregnant only 15% as often as couples who have the same amount of sex with no protection. It certainly does not mean that 15% of couples get pregnant after a year of condom use!!!
95
@ 88 - So sorry to hear about your situation. I sure hope you guys can work things out.
Although I've never "gone there" with any of my straight male friends (I have quite a few), I've certainly felt an attraction (both physically and emotionally) to a few of them. It's difficult to manage, I would imagine just as difficult as it is for straight guys to have straight female friends. I look at the straight male friends I'm still close with, and it's all guys I'm not attracted to. It's something that's worked for me, and made my life easier. Believe me, unrequited love is a lot less messier and painful than experiencing rejection from someone who you have feelings for.
The good news here is that you CAN hold yourself back from "falling in love" (note that it's not "jumping in love"). The people in this world who sell the commodity called "romance" want us to believe that falling in love is utterly irresistable, like a black hole sucking up solar systems, but that's not true. You DO have a choice whether to let yourself fall in love with someone or not.
Another thing we sexually liberated folks like to believe is that NSA sex is not only possible, it's GREAT! No tortuous longing, no hurt feelings, no tears, just FUN, FUN, FUN! Unfortunately, for people who have even a modicum of emotional depth, it rarely works out this way. Being naked and intimate (even if that intimacy doesn't extend beyond handjobs, let's say) and vulnerable with another person (are we any more vulnerable than when we're experiencing orgasm?) is an excellent growth medium for feelings to develop.
Sometimes it makes you long for less complicated times.
Although I've never "gone there" with any of my straight male friends (I have quite a few), I've certainly felt an attraction (both physically and emotionally) to a few of them. It's difficult to manage, I would imagine just as difficult as it is for straight guys to have straight female friends. I look at the straight male friends I'm still close with, and it's all guys I'm not attracted to. It's something that's worked for me, and made my life easier. Believe me, unrequited love is a lot less messier and painful than experiencing rejection from someone who you have feelings for.
The good news here is that you CAN hold yourself back from "falling in love" (note that it's not "jumping in love"). The people in this world who sell the commodity called "romance" want us to believe that falling in love is utterly irresistable, like a black hole sucking up solar systems, but that's not true. You DO have a choice whether to let yourself fall in love with someone or not.
Another thing we sexually liberated folks like to believe is that NSA sex is not only possible, it's GREAT! No tortuous longing, no hurt feelings, no tears, just FUN, FUN, FUN! Unfortunately, for people who have even a modicum of emotional depth, it rarely works out this way. Being naked and intimate (even if that intimacy doesn't extend beyond handjobs, let's say) and vulnerable with another person (are we any more vulnerable than when we're experiencing orgasm?) is an excellent growth medium for feelings to develop.
Sometimes it makes you long for less complicated times.
96
@50 and 59: Me too...8 years of full-time sex with condoms and (recently) pulling out and I've never so much as missed a period.
I really wish people would stop maligning oral birth control and condoms' effectiveness. (Pulling out, on the other hand, is entirely a matter of trust and experience with your partner--I agree it should not be promoted equally, if only because it's impossible, as a woman, to do all you can in advance to ensure its effectiveness.) By shouting about these rare-but-true "one in a million!!!" stories, we are fearmongering and working against reason and informed decision-making in sex. Highlighting the unpredictability of life and its freak occurrences gives people an out for taking not responsibility for their sex lives. Condoms DO work, if you take the five minutes necessary to figure out how to use them, and buy a brand that didn't come from a 30-year-old bathroom vending machine.
I'm convinced that in many of the "this totally happened to my friend, first time, pregnant, with a condom!" stories, the pregnant couple are lying. After all, who's to tell them they can't be the one-in-a-million story people love to talk about?
I really wish people would stop maligning oral birth control and condoms' effectiveness. (Pulling out, on the other hand, is entirely a matter of trust and experience with your partner--I agree it should not be promoted equally, if only because it's impossible, as a woman, to do all you can in advance to ensure its effectiveness.) By shouting about these rare-but-true "one in a million!!!" stories, we are fearmongering and working against reason and informed decision-making in sex. Highlighting the unpredictability of life and its freak occurrences gives people an out for taking not responsibility for their sex lives. Condoms DO work, if you take the five minutes necessary to figure out how to use them, and buy a brand that didn't come from a 30-year-old bathroom vending machine.
I'm convinced that in many of the "this totally happened to my friend, first time, pregnant, with a condom!" stories, the pregnant couple are lying. After all, who's to tell them they can't be the one-in-a-million story people love to talk about?
97
@17 I really am sorry you had a bad adoption experience because I know that affects a person's entire life. However, one of my very good friends is adopted and does not know her birth parents, but she is very happy and does not believe she grew up in "a web of lies and shame". I also know a mother of a child in an open adoption and I don't know that situation as well as I know my friend's, but it seemed to me that it was a relatively good situation as well. All this is to say that adoption can be a good thing and I believe Dan was right in suggesting it as an alternative. He was not pushing GBMD into adoption, rather making sure that GMBD and her companions in the situation knew all the options.
98
What I find the scarey part about number three, is that is how too many women DUPE men into LTRs.
Almost sounds like she went and got herself knocked up to "solidify" her relationship.
Advice I gave to my two boys-always put the condom on yourself, from your own pocket, remove it yourself and make sure you see it disposed of in a way that leaves NOTHING behind. No teen pregnancies. Hmm condoms do work.
Actual advice given by my friends boyfriend's mother when he wouldn't commit to marrage, get yourself "accidentaly" pregnant, he'll propose.
This letter to Dan just reeks of a cover story.
Almost sounds like she went and got herself knocked up to "solidify" her relationship.
Advice I gave to my two boys-always put the condom on yourself, from your own pocket, remove it yourself and make sure you see it disposed of in a way that leaves NOTHING behind. No teen pregnancies. Hmm condoms do work.
Actual advice given by my friends boyfriend's mother when he wouldn't commit to marrage, get yourself "accidentaly" pregnant, he'll propose.
This letter to Dan just reeks of a cover story.
99
Hi Dan,
As a gay man, it is refreshing to read a letter like the one from SEFOG. Maybe letters like this are a sign that some parts of our society are getting less uptight about sexual orientation. Or maybe I am just the eternal optimist.
JerryB
As a gay man, it is refreshing to read a letter like the one from SEFOG. Maybe letters like this are a sign that some parts of our society are getting less uptight about sexual orientation. Or maybe I am just the eternal optimist.
JerryB
100
My heart and my dick are connected, I would not be able to sleep more than once with a guy without finally developing feelings for him. So unless we only have a 1 time 'thing' there is no way I could sleep with a good freind without entanglements
101
For SEFOG, what matters is if the gay guy is able to distance himself emotionally and fully understand that this is a sex only, no possibility for a relationship type of thing.
Personally I could do this and would love for one of my old HS crushes (I'm a sophomore in college) to want to be with me, even if it only was for the sex and nothing else. I could still look into finding someone for a LTR while having great sex with a guy I fantasized about.
SEFOG should tell his gay friend and make sure he knows that it would be sex only and make sure that his friend could handle that. If he can, great! Have fun fucking ;D ! If not, then they could probably both use a cool down and talk it out. It all depends on how the gay friend feels and is able to handle it.
Personally I could do this and would love for one of my old HS crushes (I'm a sophomore in college) to want to be with me, even if it only was for the sex and nothing else. I could still look into finding someone for a LTR while having great sex with a guy I fantasized about.
SEFOG should tell his gay friend and make sure he knows that it would be sex only and make sure that his friend could handle that. If he can, great! Have fun fucking ;D ! If not, then they could probably both use a cool down and talk it out. It all depends on how the gay friend feels and is able to handle it.
102
Dear Susiebook,
Re: "I wish that you hadn't suggested adoption to the pregnant lesbian, Dan. She wants to parent--when people say that they want to parent, brightly mentioning that they could have abortions or place their children for adoption is really disrespectful and shitty. The pregnancy seems unexpected but not unwanted--she has my congratulations."
1. "Parent" is not a verb. Or, it shouldn't be. Please, can't we go back to "raise kids," which sounds less like "office" as a verb and puts the emphasis on the right thing?
2. The reason people are so fucked-up about sex in the first place is because we can't talk like adults about options like adoption and abortion. They are options millions of people avail themselves of, with advantages and disadvantages. I'm frankly tired of saying "congratulations on the baby" when I know the child has a good chance of being as fucked-up as the parent.
3. The baby should be the first concern, not her desire to have the baby. If she's not in a situation where the baby can have a good upbringing, whether with one, two, or three parents, then she should either abort the child or give the baby up for adoption, closed or open.
4. I'm sure people will jump down my throat about this, but if she's not adult enough to go to her freaking OB-GYN after the SECOND pregnancy test, nor adult enough to have discussed this situation with her girlfriend and the father of the child, then she is also not adult enough to raise a baby. Why not wait to keep a baby until you can raise it maturely?
Re: "I wish that you hadn't suggested adoption to the pregnant lesbian, Dan. She wants to parent--when people say that they want to parent, brightly mentioning that they could have abortions or place their children for adoption is really disrespectful and shitty. The pregnancy seems unexpected but not unwanted--she has my congratulations."
1. "Parent" is not a verb. Or, it shouldn't be. Please, can't we go back to "raise kids," which sounds less like "office" as a verb and puts the emphasis on the right thing?
2. The reason people are so fucked-up about sex in the first place is because we can't talk like adults about options like adoption and abortion. They are options millions of people avail themselves of, with advantages and disadvantages. I'm frankly tired of saying "congratulations on the baby" when I know the child has a good chance of being as fucked-up as the parent.
3. The baby should be the first concern, not her desire to have the baby. If she's not in a situation where the baby can have a good upbringing, whether with one, two, or three parents, then she should either abort the child or give the baby up for adoption, closed or open.
4. I'm sure people will jump down my throat about this, but if she's not adult enough to go to her freaking OB-GYN after the SECOND pregnancy test, nor adult enough to have discussed this situation with her girlfriend and the father of the child, then she is also not adult enough to raise a baby. Why not wait to keep a baby until you can raise it maturely?
103
#65 and # 70, right on the money....# 80, of course, talk about it, maybe the gay friend will be flattered, but if he is as smart as he has already demonstrated,he'll let it go at that...how many gay guys would give their proverbial left nut to fuck once with a straight boy..ask someone else to be your one time,not with a great friend who has told you how vulnerable he is to you...
104
I dislike the word "ambisexual" because it sounds a little to close to "ambiguous", which folks like me have a habit of being labeled already. I say I have bisexual preferences. More often I just say "I like boys AND girls!" If I'm in a safe, comfortable space, I say, "I'm just queer as HELL!" (comfortable like... the internet? ah, hell....)
105
I agree with my fellow commentors; SEFOG needs to be more delicate in handling his situation than your guidance instructs.
Your advice too generally ascribes the ability to separate sex from emotions to all men, without seeming to consider the fact that human beings come with varying emotional capacities. It took months before the gay friend was able to enjoy 1-1 time with SEFOG again, so some significant emotions were [and to some inevitable degree, still are] in play.
Your advice too generally ascribes the ability to separate sex from emotions to all men, without seeming to consider the fact that human beings come with varying emotional capacities. It took months before the gay friend was able to enjoy 1-1 time with SEFOG again, so some significant emotions were [and to some inevitable degree, still are] in play.
106
@102 - i'm as pro-choice as anyone but the writer stated in her letter that she's already missed two periods - she's fast closing in on a stage where it's not as "simple" to abort, ethically and/or medically.
107
hey Dan per your recent pod cast. the term is little person or dwarf, calling them a midget is as offensive as calling a black person the infamous N word. just thought you might like to know.
109
"I have never been with a man and I am very attracted to women, but it doesn't bother me that I suddenly feel this way."
"He is the only guy I have ever been attracted to, and I want to have this experience."
Hmmm, SEFOG is giving of a sort of bi-curious vibe, and by "bi-curious", I mean "closet case". He meets a gay guy, they hang out together and become BFF. The gay guy develops feelings and cuts off the private time with SEFOG. During that time SEFOG discovers sexual attraction to BFF. Gay guy deals with feelings and gets back together with SEFOG. SEFOG wants to have one-time, no-strings sex with gay buddy to get it out of his system. Yup, definitely "bi-curious".
Personally, if I were SEFOG, I'd tell the gay buddy I was attracted to him, BUT the friendship was too important to ruin with a fling.
"He is the only guy I have ever been attracted to, and I want to have this experience."
Hmmm, SEFOG is giving of a sort of bi-curious vibe, and by "bi-curious", I mean "closet case". He meets a gay guy, they hang out together and become BFF. The gay guy develops feelings and cuts off the private time with SEFOG. During that time SEFOG discovers sexual attraction to BFF. Gay guy deals with feelings and gets back together with SEFOG. SEFOG wants to have one-time, no-strings sex with gay buddy to get it out of his system. Yup, definitely "bi-curious".
Personally, if I were SEFOG, I'd tell the gay buddy I was attracted to him, BUT the friendship was too important to ruin with a fling.
110
@ 88,
Your ex-boyfriend had a big gay freak out. For 6 months the sex was his thing. His whole view of himself as straight just did a 180 degree shift. His entire life he probably believed he was "normal" and going to have a wife and kids in the 'burbs. 6 months of gay sex (and dating you) just proved he isn't straight. Hence, the dumping. He'll either deal with his sexuality and come out of the closet or he won't deal with it and marry some nice willfully blind beard and be "normal" and "straight" while occasionally sucking dick in airport bathroom stalls.
Sorry about your and your heartbreak. It sounds like you'll be putting some distance between yourself and him soon. Before you do you may want to tell him to pull his head out of his ass and face up to the truth: Gay sex was for him for 6 hot months and all the wives and kiddies in the 'burbs won't make him straight.
Your ex-boyfriend had a big gay freak out. For 6 months the sex was his thing. His whole view of himself as straight just did a 180 degree shift. His entire life he probably believed he was "normal" and going to have a wife and kids in the 'burbs. 6 months of gay sex (and dating you) just proved he isn't straight. Hence, the dumping. He'll either deal with his sexuality and come out of the closet or he won't deal with it and marry some nice willfully blind beard and be "normal" and "straight" while occasionally sucking dick in airport bathroom stalls.
Sorry about your and your heartbreak. It sounds like you'll be putting some distance between yourself and him soon. Before you do you may want to tell him to pull his head out of his ass and face up to the truth: Gay sex was for him for 6 hot months and all the wives and kiddies in the 'burbs won't make him straight.
111
The OB/GYN don't normally do blood tests any more, unless there are developing health issues with the mother, like prenatal diabetes. They do a urine test EVERY time you go in (it tests for pregnancy using EXACTLY the same hormonal criteria as a store-bought test), and if that comes back with a diminishing level of progesterin, will do an abdominal or intra-vaginal ultrasound to determine viability.
112
SEFOG:
Unless you actually come to the conclusion that you could love this guy [some of the commenters seem to be rooting for this] then I say don't do it. Don't even ask.
The most analogous thing I can liken it to is sex with an ex. Say you break up with someone, then try to be friends with that someone, and that someone has to try way harder because [s]he is in love with you. But eventually succeeds. Now you have that hard-won friendship. And this person starts looking good to you, and you're not finding anyone else to be with at the moment. Are you going to say, "hey, let's have NSA sex!"? This person is going to hope on some level that you really love him/her. And you will then break his/her heart. Your best friend's heart. Again. This sounds like a plan?
It's not NSA sex if one of you is in love. Two in love = ok. Two not in love = ok. One of you in love = no no no no no, don't do it. Not good. The only reason your best friend isn't in love with you [IF he isn't] is because he seriously gets that you aren't in love with him. You having sex with him for kicks -- are you going to kiss him? -- would send mixed signals, to put it mildly. No matter what kind of conversation you have ahead of time.
Unless you actually come to the conclusion that you could love this guy [some of the commenters seem to be rooting for this] then I say don't do it. Don't even ask.
The most analogous thing I can liken it to is sex with an ex. Say you break up with someone, then try to be friends with that someone, and that someone has to try way harder because [s]he is in love with you. But eventually succeeds. Now you have that hard-won friendship. And this person starts looking good to you, and you're not finding anyone else to be with at the moment. Are you going to say, "hey, let's have NSA sex!"? This person is going to hope on some level that you really love him/her. And you will then break his/her heart. Your best friend's heart. Again. This sounds like a plan?
It's not NSA sex if one of you is in love. Two in love = ok. Two not in love = ok. One of you in love = no no no no no, don't do it. Not good. The only reason your best friend isn't in love with you [IF he isn't] is because he seriously gets that you aren't in love with him. You having sex with him for kicks -- are you going to kiss him? -- would send mixed signals, to put it mildly. No matter what kind of conversation you have ahead of time.
113
I (usually) love Dan's advice. In this case I totally agree with the posters who say the straight guy should absolutely not fuck with his friend's head. Not even in conversation. It's not even a gay/straight issue. It's just common sense and decency.
114
A hormonal imbalance could cause both a false positive on a pregnancy test and a missed period. Only going to a doctor and having an ultrasound would confirm if she's actually pregnant.
115
Average length of intercourse is 2-3 minutes, insertion to ejaculation. Since intercourse is often accompanied by so many other distractions, and because the length can vary considerably, most people don't realize this.
117
A quick comment regarding SEFOG...
I have a few female friends who are essentially bisexual, but who self-identify as "lesbians whose soul mates turned out to be male".
They lead consensually non-monogamous lives, and their husbands are quite happy to let them have sex and relationships with woman (then tend to have "no other men" rules, though).
SEFOG sounds like he's in the same situation with the roles reversed. He's met this guy who has turned his usual orientation on its head. Well, maybe he's a straight guy who has met the one gay guy in the world with whom he can fall in love. Maybe they can make it work out long term, and SEFOG can go on being a straight guy with a male soul mate and sex partner.
Hey, maybe the whole thing will collapse in a crumpled heap, but I think it has to be worth a try. SEFOG seems to have a really good attitude, and I admire that.
I have a few female friends who are essentially bisexual, but who self-identify as "lesbians whose soul mates turned out to be male".
They lead consensually non-monogamous lives, and their husbands are quite happy to let them have sex and relationships with woman (then tend to have "no other men" rules, though).
SEFOG sounds like he's in the same situation with the roles reversed. He's met this guy who has turned his usual orientation on its head. Well, maybe he's a straight guy who has met the one gay guy in the world with whom he can fall in love. Maybe they can make it work out long term, and SEFOG can go on being a straight guy with a male soul mate and sex partner.
Hey, maybe the whole thing will collapse in a crumpled heap, but I think it has to be worth a try. SEFOG seems to have a really good attitude, and I admire that.
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