Crossing Over

November 26, 2009

By Dan Savage

I am a 29-year-old single straight man. Over the past year, I have become very close friends with a gay man close to my age. We have a blast hanging out, and I value our friendship. Four months ago, he told me that he had developed romantic feelings for me and said he needed a little space to save our friendship. For a couple of months, we saw each other only with mutual friends. Then we started hanging out again. It's been great, and he seems very comfortable with me again. The thing is, I am now experiencing a sexual attraction to him. I have never been with a man and I am very attracted to women, but it doesn't bother me that I suddenly feel this way.

I have been thinking about asking him if he wants to have a sexual experience with me. I think he would go for it. A long-term romantic relationship with him does not interest me, but I do love him as a friend and don't want to risk losing that. Is it possible this could be just a one-time thing that brings us closer as friends, or is it more likely to ruin our friendship? He is the only guy I have ever been attracted to, and I want to have this experience.

Straight Except For One Guy

While you're open to having a gay experience with your friend, SEFOG, he would probably prefer to have a gay relationship with someone. The fact that he can't "have you"—i.e., you're never gonna gay marry him—may make him reluctant to fuck your ass. Having sex with you could obviously reignite feelings he made an effort to squash to "save the friendship"—duh—and he may dread the feelings of jealousy and inadequacy that could swamp him when the inevitable happens and you wind up in a LTR with a woman.

All that said, SEFOG, I'm going to share a little secret with you about gay men: We're men, real men, just like straight men. We're good at having sex without getting emotionally attached—some of us are a little too good at it—and a single gay man, like a single straight man, rarely passes up a chance to get with someone he's attracted to, even if he wants more than that person can give. About the only thing that gay men are better at than straight men—besides deep-throating—is maintaining friendships with exes, one-night stands, friends-with-benefits, fuck buddies, et al.

Lob your balls into your friend's court, SEFOG, and see what he says. You were able to remain friends after he confessed his attraction to you, so I don't see why you won't be able to remain friends after you confess your attraction to him.

I'm a woman with an extremely gorgeous, brilliant, openly (mostly) gay friend whom I've been having sex with infrequently but regularly over the last six months. I know why I'm doing it: I enjoy his company, he's hot, the sex is incredible. But I'm not sure why he's having sex with me, a straight girl. The most I could get out of him is that he thinks I have a "masculine sexuality." I'd like to have a clearer understanding of where our friendship/sexual relationship stands. I am a person who likes to talk about everything, and he is not.

Confused Over Male Eroticism

I would hazard a guess that your (mostly) gay friend is doing this—doing you—for the same reasons you're doing him: He enjoys your company, you're hot, and the sex is great. As for where you stand, COME, well, that depends on what you want. Do you want hot sex with a hot guy every once in a while? Then you're in good standing. Do you want a relationship? Then you're deluding yourself. Very few gay-identified men are secretly closeted straight guys, COME. When a bisexual guy identifies as gay, it's typically because he's not romantically attracted to women. He can fuck women, but he doesn't fall in love with women. Most bisexual guys are the opposite of your (mostly) gay friend, i.e., they can fuck men but they don't fall in love with men, which is why most bi guys identify as (mostly) straight.

I wanted to satisfy my curiosity of getting a blowjob from a guy. I found one online willing to do the deed, and we met and he started. After about 15 seconds, I stopped him. It was not for me and did not feel right. Now, in reality, what are my chances of getting a disease? Low? Medium? High? He did not use a condom. I know you are going to say to get tested, which I probably will. But in your opinion, are my chances so great that I should run to the clinic? Would it matter the time length of the BJ? Say, if it were 10 to 15 minutes instead of seconds? Thanks for your time.

Sent From My iPhone

My apologies to Jerry Herman: It only takes a moment to contract a sexually transmitted infection you could have your whole life long, SFMi. If the guy who blew you—however brief the blowjob was—had syphilis or chlamydia or herpes or all three, you could've contracted any or all of them. You can't contract an STI from a guy who doesn't have any STIs, of course, but what do you think the chances are that a guy who blows strangers he meets online has an STI? Low? Medium? High?

Go get tested, SFMi.

I'm a 23-year-old lesbian who's been in a relationship with a bisexual woman. She's always had a fantasy about guy-girl-girl three-ways, so about five or so months ago, we decided to invite her best friend, "Roger," into bed with us. We've both been pretty happy with the arrangement. At the start, I refused to have sex with him. But about two months ago, I decided I wanted to try it, never having had sex with a guy myself. I couldn't get into it, so we stopped after two minutes. Since then, I've missed two periods and done four home pregnancy tests—all positive.

How the hell am I going to break the news to my girlfriend? We used condoms! I'd like to keep the baby and raise it with my girlfriend, but we have been living with each other for only a year. And how do I break it to Roger, if at all?

Gay Baby Mama Drama

How do you break the news to your girlfriend? The same way you break it to Roger: without further delay. Keeping the baby is your decision and your choice, GBMD, but it's a decision you have to make in consultation with your girlfriend if you're counting on her to raise this baby with you. And as your ultimate choice will have enormous potential consequences for Roger, both emotional and financial, he needed to be informed of your condition three pregnancy tests ago.

Your girlfriend may not be ready for the kind of commitment that coparenting represents. Roger may be nontraditional in the whole three-ways-with-hot-lesbians sense but traditional in the wants-to-be-the-father-of-his-child sense. You need their input as you make this choice, GBMD. And you have choices in addition to abortion or keeping the baby. There's also open adoption. In an open adoption, you pick the family the child is placed with, and you and Roger can have ongoing contact with the child after adoption. You can learn more about open adoption at www.openadopt.org. recommended

mail@savagelove.net

 

Comments (37) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
1
Awesome column as usual! Thanks for mentioning open adoption as a choice (as if you'd forget!) It is too often left out in the whole prolife/prochoice death match.
Posted by tt on November 24, 2009 at 5:44 PM · Report
2
The last letter smells like a fake!
First time with a guy? Check
Short time with dick? Check
Used condom? Check

FAKE
Posted by Darth on November 24, 2009 at 5:47 PM · Report
3
Great advice as always, Dan!!
Posted by caiteastcoast on November 24, 2009 at 5:49 PM · Report
4
A plethora of letters today! Such an early Thanksgiving treat! Lots of variety too. A very nice read.
Posted by yo_in_Seattle on November 24, 2009 at 5:54 PM · Report
5
@2, based on her stated aversion to males, I'm sure she only wished that it had just been two minutes...and first time with a guy has NO bearing on ability to get pregnant. Keep in mind also that most people use condoms incorrectly, which means that almost one in five times they don't work.
Posted by yo_in_Seattle on November 24, 2009 at 5:56 PM · Report
6
didn't know there was such a thing in conservative old US of A as open adoption - good news.
Posted by bagel on November 24, 2009 at 6:01 PM · Report
7
@5, yeah that's a fair point.

Still smells like something cooked up by an adult magazine with a threesome and the age of the participant.

Reminds me of the story about the woman who had sex with one of guy's 5 brothers in the dark during a snowstorm.
Posted by Darth on November 24, 2009 at 6:08 PM · Report
8
Bagel, you know Dan has an open adoption, right?
Posted by I know I'm unregistered but I'm not a freak, I promise on November 24, 2009 at 6:50 PM · Report
Urgutha Forka 9
Nice as usual Dan, although it would also be good for SEFOG to tell his gay friend that he's definitely not interested in a relationship at all, no matter what. Don't let him get any false hopes.

Also, the first guy the chick has sex with, for only 2 minutes, AND wearing a condom and she got pregnant?!? I'm guessing that kid is the messiah or something.
Posted by Urgutha Forka on November 24, 2009 at 6:52 PM · Report
10
"stopped after two minutes"

Was it the first two minutes or the last two minutes? Makes a difference if you are getting pregnant.
Posted by just_some_guy on November 24, 2009 at 7:57 PM · Report
11
GBMD needs to go to the doctor and get a blood test for pregnancy. Four positive home tests doesn't necessarily mean she's pregnant... those things give false positives all the time. Before she goes stressing anyone out, she needs to get this confirmed for certain with a doctor.
Posted by Atharaenea on November 24, 2009 at 8:27 PM · Report
12
@7: If this were cooked up by someone to get their sex fantasy into Dan's column, they would have focused more on the sex and less on the negative consequences thereof.
Posted by p-l on November 24, 2009 at 8:38 PM · Report
Philly 13
maybe he got sperm on his fingers taking off a condom and then put those fingers in her vagina without washing first. always wash your hands, do it for the children. (or hopeful lack thereof)
Posted by Philly on November 24, 2009 at 8:52 PM · Report
14
She was all for the threesome, even though she was so icked out she pretty much forced herself to have sex with him? And the decision to 'raise the baby with (her) girlfriend' came pretty quick...
Just sayin'.
Posted by melbzig on November 24, 2009 at 9:08 PM · Report
15
Dan, your bullshit detector is usually pretty damn good, but I think you missed some crap on the last letter. I've heard/seen/read it all, and that was not real.
Posted by Another unregistered non-psycho on November 24, 2009 at 9:27 PM · Report
16
I am horrified by the advice to SEFOG. His gay friend probably went through a lot of emotional work to get past his attraction for the sake of the friendship. Anyone who has done this knows that it's not an easy thing to do. It requires a lot of meditation, affirmation, and just plain getting a fucking grip.

For the straight friend even to consider bringing up those old feelings is thoughtless. To advise the straight friend to do so is like telling someone to rip the scabs off of a healing wound. It WILL leave a scar.

I really hope the gay guy recognizes himself in this letter and protects himself emotionally, since nobodey else seems to give a shit about him.
Posted by The Happily Married Gay Guy on November 24, 2009 at 11:36 PM · Report
17
As an adult adoptee, something bothers me about Dan's last response. She never mentioned anywhere that she wanted to make an adoption plan; however, she made it very clear that she wants to parent the baby. It just appears that he was pushing adoption on her, which is just as bad as pushing abortion or parenting on someone. There are resources out there for single parents, and if she can raise a child on her own, than it shouldn't be totally out of the question. Sure, abortion and parenting are not your only options, but adoption (like the other two choices) only works under the right circumstances.

I was adopted in a broken system, and ran away from my parents as a teenager, so me and Dan have different experiences with adoption; however, we do agree on one thing. If you adopt, go with an open adoption. That way your child won't be growing up in a web of lies and shame. Also, while I have met with some nice social workers, the one that worked on my case failed in so many fucking ways. I do not understand how a woman that has all the signs of an alcoholic, who cannot keep a stable job, and has had anger problems in the past, can pass the intense interviews that come with adoption. What an incompetent goof ... I suggest to birthmothers not to leave it up to a social worker to choose the parents for your kid.
Posted by Going anon this time on November 25, 2009 at 12:21 AM · Report
18
Those home pregnancy tests do -not- give false positives all the time! At least not modern ones. An individual test is 97% accurate, and using multiple tests means that the likelihood of one being wrong is much reduced.

As for getting pregnant from one brief fuck, that's how I came into this world. How many people here don't know basic biology, or is this abstinence "sex-ed" you Americans have had to put up with?

Condoms are 85% effective in "real world" circs when having regular sex over a year. If an average couple have sex 3 times a week, that makes it a 0.1% chance per event that someone could become pregnant, even with the condom. Looks like our friend here had that one-in-a-thousand event.

Anyway, girlfriend needs to talk to her partner stat, and when decisions have been made, to potential daddy-to-be.
Posted by Trix on November 25, 2009 at 1:01 AM · Report
19
Trix - yeah. American ignorance about what ACTUALLY happens when you have sex is amazing. But then, look at their teen pregnancy and STD figures- that "abstinence only" education sure is awesome...

And yeah, you can get pregnant the first time, you can get pregnant with just a few seconds of penetration, you can get pregnant even WITHOUT penile penetration if you're not careful (though that is pretty unlikely), hell, there's a remote chance you could get pregnant even if the guy didn't come (precum, ladies and gentlemen, has some sperm cells in it). Also, douching with Coke doesn't help, and the name for girls who agree to the "I'll pull out, honest" method is "mothers."

Yeesh.
Posted by Gillian on November 25, 2009 at 1:47 AM · Report
20
Dan, I do feel some how uncomfortable and uneasy for the answer you gave to SEFOG, because i am that fucked up guy that had to sacrifice love for friendship too many times. I am more concerned about the emotional wellfare and subsequent emotional fall out of the gay friend .
Any way, I am taking the opportunity to wish all readers, the stranger staff and Dan and his family a happy thanksgiving.
Posted by chaya760 on November 25, 2009 at 2:10 AM · Report
21
While not as horrified as 16, I do agree with the sentiment. Dan, if you were going to suggest that this guy confess his attraction to his gay friend, you should have pointed out that his friend is likely to be extremely uncomfortable with this. Any guy concerned enough to back off for a while to protect his friendship is probably going to be offended at being approached to satisfy what is 99.99% likely to be nothing more than a straight guy's random curiosity about gay sex.
Posted by MythicFox on November 25, 2009 at 2:21 AM · Report
22
@19

Take a gander:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12286…

A study in Boston, Massachusetts, and another study in New York City examined samples of pre ejaculate fluid from HIV seropositive and HIV seronegative men to determine whether HIV was or was not present in pre ejaculate fluid. The researchers found macrophages and CD4 lymphocytes in most samples, indicating that HIV was present. The more significant finding, however, was that most pre ejaculate samples did not contain any sperm and those that did had only small clumps of a very small amount of sperm which seemed to be immobile. A larger study is needed to verify these results. If these results are confirmed, they may dispel the myth that pre ejaculate fluid contains sperm.
Posted by pangursperson on November 25, 2009 at 2:41 AM · Report
23
maybe the lesbian girl who was so icked about having sex with a man is now freaked out and having an ectopic pregnancy.. hopefully!!! open adoption or abortion or parenting a unplanned child (and probably a not wanted child for the other two people involved) could all be options, but neither of them really good. good luck and see a doctor!!!
Posted by bitch boy on November 25, 2009 at 2:51 AM · Report
24
The advice to SEFOG is good, balanced -- warning that some people might get attached and hurt, then saying some people might not. Only one way to find out. The gay friend can always refuse, just like the straight guy refused the first time.

http://fasttimesinpalestine.wordpress.co…
Posted by Pamela River on November 25, 2009 at 3:22 AM · Report
25
@23

I think you mean to say that you hope the lesbian writer has pseudocyesis or a psychosomatic pregnancy. An ectopic pregnancy, where the fertilized egg implants outside the uterus, is never a good thing.
Posted by Northbynorthwest on November 25, 2009 at 3:22 AM · Report
26
I agree with 16.

I was the gay half of that relationship once and I had feelings for the straight guy. When I got over that in order to preserve the friendship, the LAST THING I would have wanted would have been for him to say, "Hey, I'd like to try this gay sex once, but no strings OK? And we have to still be friends after, OK?". If the guy had to pull away in order to keep the friendship, he will get hurt by an offer for sex. Even if he says no, he will spend the next couple of weeks/months being tempted by the offer and mentally shredded by the choice.

My advice? Don't do it unless you're willing to potentially give up the friendship when you reawaken the feelings he has for you.
Posted by Half and Half on November 25, 2009 at 4:18 AM · Report
27
pangursperson - the conclusion of the research was that " the probability of pregnancy is VERY LOW if pre-ejaculate fluid enters the vagina," which I agree with, and as I mentioned above - it's VERY UNLIKELY. However, like one of my best friends who got pregnant while on the Pill and using a condom said - the one in a million chance is 100% for the person who's the "one," and she doesn't really give a fuck how safe the other 999,999 are....
Posted by Gillian on November 25, 2009 at 4:48 AM · Report
28
Shouldn't Sent From My iPhone say I did not use a condum, or at the very least We?
Posted by Costello on November 25, 2009 at 5:18 AM · Report
29
Also, douching with Coke doesn't help....

Of course not! Everybody knows that! You have to use Dr. Pepper! Jeez.
Posted by gttim on November 25, 2009 at 6:00 AM · Report
30
Thanks, Costello; I was wondering the same thing. What's with this assumption that the responsibility for safe sex lies only with the guy who ANSWERED the ad?? It's like we're going back to the 1950s when people said things like "She went and got herself pregnant!"
Posted by wayne on November 25, 2009 at 6:02 AM · Report
31
Thank you #16!!! You said what I was thinking the whole time I was reading that. DON'T DO IT! Either of you. It'll end in tears.
Posted by Bad Idea Bear on November 25, 2009 at 6:48 AM · Report
32
People are always still making conclusions like "she got herself pregnant" have you read the threads about the girl in the Army, who didn't deploy? They are pretty much saying once a woman makes a contract she has to gerself sterilized or always choose adoption or abortion... The view point of people male and female against women having sex with the same freedom as a man has not really progressed at all...

dixies_fire
Posted by dixies_fire on November 25, 2009 at 6:54 AM · Report
33
Yeah that last letter does sound kind of fake. Only had sex for two minutes and then stopped? And the guy had just come at 1 minute and 55 seconds?
At the same time, plenty of people also use condoms wrong...hard to say...Thanks Dan!
Posted by Dmoney26 on November 25, 2009 at 8:27 AM · Report
34
@16 etc.
Um, not everyone would be scarred or whatever. He could just say no! I was in a similar situation years in the past. He was the gay guy, I the girl. We were good friends and spent a lot of time together. I was working on getting over my crush on him, he wanted to try to get it on, I said no. We are still good friends. There was no drama.
Posted by faghag on November 25, 2009 at 8:34 AM · Report
Helgaleena 35
Domney and Darth are full of it imo. We do not choose the moment of our death, nor do we choose the fickle finger of spermcovered fate that is wielded by the celestial babyplanters. A baby decided it needed to manifest in this weird situation and see what these three yahoos do about it. Likely has nothing to do with real life.

I should know; I deal in erotic fiction!
Posted by Helgaleena http://www.darkroastpress.com on November 25, 2009 at 8:41 AM · Report
36
I agree with the posters above who advise against telling the gay friend about how the writer wants to try being sexual with him. I've been on the straight side of things. The guy said he had feelings for me, but I wasn't interested. I still wanted to be friends with him, and we remained friends until he and I were intimate together (I told him before hand "no strings, and I didn't have the same feelings for him that he had for me, and that I wanted to remain friends). After that, he was heartbroken and didn't want anything to do with me.

Moral of the story: If you want to remain friends with your gay friend, don't tell him you want to fuck him. You don't want a relationship with him, so leave him alone and just be his friend.
Posted by Kiki on November 25, 2009 at 8:44 AM · Report
37
I feel the need to weigh in on the pre-ejaculate debate. My partner of 9 years has almost no precum. (So little that I have never been able to see or feel or taste any ever, even though there may be microscopic amounts.) We have been practicing "withdrawal" for 6 years, even while I'm ovulating, and I've never gotten pregnant. Perhaps it goes against the odds, but we're going to keep doing it. (We started when having an "unplanned" baby would still be a welcome addition to our little home.)
Posted by kicksadoo on November 25, 2009 at 9:09 AM · Report

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