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Crossing Over
November 26, 2009
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JOE Newton
I am a 29-year-old single straight man. Over the past year, I have become very close friends with a gay man close to my age. We have a blast hanging out, and I value our friendship. Four months ago, he told me that he had developed romantic feelings for me and said he needed a little space to save our friendship. For a couple of months, we saw each other only with mutual friends. Then we started hanging out again. It's been great, and he seems very comfortable with me again. The thing is, I am now experiencing a sexual attraction to him. I have never been with a man and I am very attracted to women, but it doesn't bother me that I suddenly feel this way.
I have been thinking about asking him if he wants to have a sexual experience with me. I think he would go for it. A long-term romantic relationship with him does not interest me, but I do love him as a friend and don't want to risk losing that. Is it possible this could be just a one-time thing that brings us closer as friends, or is it more likely to ruin our friendship? He is the only guy I have ever been attracted to, and I want to have this experience.
Straight Except For One Guy
While you're open to having a gay experience with your friend, SEFOG, he would probably prefer to have a gay relationship with someone. The fact that he can't "have you"—i.e., you're never gonna gay marry him—may make him reluctant to fuck your ass. Having sex with you could obviously reignite feelings he made an effort to squash to "save the friendship"—duh—and he may dread the feelings of jealousy and inadequacy that could swamp him when the inevitable happens and you wind up in a LTR with a woman.
All that said, SEFOG, I'm going to share a little secret with you about gay men: We're men, real men, just like straight men. We're good at having sex without getting emotionally attached—some of us are a little too good at it—and a single gay man, like a single straight man, rarely passes up a chance to get with someone he's attracted to, even if he wants more than that person can give. About the only thing that gay men are better at than straight men—besides deep-throating—is maintaining friendships with exes, one-night stands, friends-with-benefits, fuck buddies, et al.
Lob your balls into your friend's court, SEFOG, and see what he says. You were able to remain friends after he confessed his attraction to you, so I don't see why you won't be able to remain friends after you confess your attraction to him.
I'm a woman with an extremely gorgeous, brilliant, openly (mostly) gay friend whom I've been having sex with infrequently but regularly over the last six months. I know why I'm doing it: I enjoy his company, he's hot, the sex is incredible. But I'm not sure why he's having sex with me, a straight girl. The most I could get out of him is that he thinks I have a "masculine sexuality." I'd like to have a clearer understanding of where our friendship/sexual relationship stands. I am a person who likes to talk about everything, and he is not.
Confused Over Male Eroticism
I would hazard a guess that your (mostly) gay friend is doing this—doing you—for the same reasons you're doing him: He enjoys your company, you're hot, and the sex is great. As for where you stand, COME, well, that depends on what you want. Do you want hot sex with a hot guy every once in a while? Then you're in good standing. Do you want a relationship? Then you're deluding yourself. Very few gay-identified men are secretly closeted straight guys, COME. When a bisexual guy identifies as gay, it's typically because he's not romantically attracted to women. He can fuck women, but he doesn't fall in love with women. Most bisexual guys are the opposite of your (mostly) gay friend, i.e., they can fuck men but they don't fall in love with men, which is why most bi guys identify as (mostly) straight.
I wanted to satisfy my curiosity of getting a blowjob from a guy. I found one online willing to do the deed, and we met and he started. After about 15 seconds, I stopped him. It was not for me and did not feel right. Now, in reality, what are my chances of getting a disease? Low? Medium? High? He did not use a condom. I know you are going to say to get tested, which I probably will. But in your opinion, are my chances so great that I should run to the clinic? Would it matter the time length of the BJ? Say, if it were 10 to 15 minutes instead of seconds? Thanks for your time.
Sent From My iPhone
My apologies to Jerry Herman: It only takes a moment to contract a sexually transmitted infection you could have your whole life long, SFMi. If the guy who blew you—however brief the blowjob was—had syphilis or chlamydia or herpes or all three, you could've contracted any or all of them. You can't contract an STI from a guy who doesn't have any STIs, of course, but what do you think the chances are that a guy who blows strangers he meets online has an STI? Low? Medium? High?
Go get tested, SFMi.
I'm a 23-year-old lesbian who's been in a relationship with a bisexual woman. She's always had a fantasy about guy-girl-girl three-ways, so about five or so months ago, we decided to invite her best friend, "Roger," into bed with us. We've both been pretty happy with the arrangement. At the start, I refused to have sex with him. But about two months ago, I decided I wanted to try it, never having had sex with a guy myself. I couldn't get into it, so we stopped after two minutes. Since then, I've missed two periods and done four home pregnancy tests—all positive.
How the hell am I going to break the news to my girlfriend? We used condoms! I'd like to keep the baby and raise it with my girlfriend, but we have been living with each other for only a year. And how do I break it to Roger, if at all?
Gay Baby Mama Drama
How do you break the news to your girlfriend? The same way you break it to Roger: without further delay. Keeping the baby is your decision and your choice, GBMD, but it's a decision you have to make in consultation with your girlfriend if you're counting on her to raise this baby with you. And as your ultimate choice will have enormous potential consequences for Roger, both emotional and financial, he needed to be informed of your condition three pregnancy tests ago.
Your girlfriend may not be ready for the
kind of commitment that coparenting represents. Roger may be
nontraditional in the whole three-ways-with-hot-lesbians sense but
traditional in the wants-to-be-the-father-of-his-child sense. You need
their input as you make this choice, GBMD. And you have choices in
addition to abortion or keeping the baby. There's also open adoption.
In an open adoption, you pick the family the child is placed with, and
you and Roger can have ongoing contact with the child after adoption.
You can learn more about open adoption at www.openadopt.org. 
1
Awesome column as usual! Thanks for mentioning open adoption as a choice (as if you'd forget!) It is too often left out in the whole prolife/prochoice death match.
2
The last letter smells like a fake!
First time with a guy? Check
Short time with dick? Check
Used condom? Check
FAKE
First time with a guy? Check
Short time with dick? Check
Used condom? Check
FAKE
4
A plethora of letters today! Such an early Thanksgiving treat! Lots of variety too. A very nice read.
5
@2, based on her stated aversion to males, I'm sure she only wished that it had just been two minutes...and first time with a guy has NO bearing on ability to get pregnant. Keep in mind also that most people use condoms incorrectly, which means that almost one in five times they don't work.
7
@5, yeah that's a fair point.
Still smells like something cooked up by an adult magazine with a threesome and the age of the participant.
Reminds me of the story about the woman who had sex with one of guy's 5 brothers in the dark during a snowstorm.
Still smells like something cooked up by an adult magazine with a threesome and the age of the participant.
Reminds me of the story about the woman who had sex with one of guy's 5 brothers in the dark during a snowstorm.
9
Nice as usual Dan, although it would also be good for SEFOG to tell his gay friend that he's definitely not interested in a relationship at all, no matter what. Don't let him get any false hopes.
Also, the first guy the chick has sex with, for only 2 minutes, AND wearing a condom and she got pregnant?!? I'm guessing that kid is the messiah or something.
Also, the first guy the chick has sex with, for only 2 minutes, AND wearing a condom and she got pregnant?!? I'm guessing that kid is the messiah or something.
10
"stopped after two minutes"
Was it the first two minutes or the last two minutes? Makes a difference if you are getting pregnant.
Was it the first two minutes or the last two minutes? Makes a difference if you are getting pregnant.
11
GBMD needs to go to the doctor and get a blood test for pregnancy. Four positive home tests doesn't necessarily mean she's pregnant... those things give false positives all the time. Before she goes stressing anyone out, she needs to get this confirmed for certain with a doctor.
12
@7: If this were cooked up by someone to get their sex fantasy into Dan's column, they would have focused more on the sex and less on the negative consequences thereof.
13
maybe he got sperm on his fingers taking off a condom and then put those fingers in her vagina without washing first. always wash your hands, do it for the children. (or hopeful lack thereof)
14
She was all for the threesome, even though she was so icked out she pretty much forced herself to have sex with him? And the decision to 'raise the baby with (her) girlfriend' came pretty quick...
Just sayin'.
Just sayin'.
15
Dan, your bullshit detector is usually pretty damn good, but I think you missed some crap on the last letter. I've heard/seen/read it all, and that was not real.
16
I am horrified by the advice to SEFOG. His gay friend probably went through a lot of emotional work to get past his attraction for the sake of the friendship. Anyone who has done this knows that it's not an easy thing to do. It requires a lot of meditation, affirmation, and just plain getting a fucking grip.
For the straight friend even to consider bringing up those old feelings is thoughtless. To advise the straight friend to do so is like telling someone to rip the scabs off of a healing wound. It WILL leave a scar.
I really hope the gay guy recognizes himself in this letter and protects himself emotionally, since nobodey else seems to give a shit about him.
For the straight friend even to consider bringing up those old feelings is thoughtless. To advise the straight friend to do so is like telling someone to rip the scabs off of a healing wound. It WILL leave a scar.
I really hope the gay guy recognizes himself in this letter and protects himself emotionally, since nobodey else seems to give a shit about him.
17
As an adult adoptee, something bothers me about Dan's last response. She never mentioned anywhere that she wanted to make an adoption plan; however, she made it very clear that she wants to parent the baby. It just appears that he was pushing adoption on her, which is just as bad as pushing abortion or parenting on someone. There are resources out there for single parents, and if she can raise a child on her own, than it shouldn't be totally out of the question. Sure, abortion and parenting are not your only options, but adoption (like the other two choices) only works under the right circumstances.
I was adopted in a broken system, and ran away from my parents as a teenager, so me and Dan have different experiences with adoption; however, we do agree on one thing. If you adopt, go with an open adoption. That way your child won't be growing up in a web of lies and shame. Also, while I have met with some nice social workers, the one that worked on my case failed in so many fucking ways. I do not understand how a woman that has all the signs of an alcoholic, who cannot keep a stable job, and has had anger problems in the past, can pass the intense interviews that come with adoption. What an incompetent goof ... I suggest to birthmothers not to leave it up to a social worker to choose the parents for your kid.
I was adopted in a broken system, and ran away from my parents as a teenager, so me and Dan have different experiences with adoption; however, we do agree on one thing. If you adopt, go with an open adoption. That way your child won't be growing up in a web of lies and shame. Also, while I have met with some nice social workers, the one that worked on my case failed in so many fucking ways. I do not understand how a woman that has all the signs of an alcoholic, who cannot keep a stable job, and has had anger problems in the past, can pass the intense interviews that come with adoption. What an incompetent goof ... I suggest to birthmothers not to leave it up to a social worker to choose the parents for your kid.
18
Those home pregnancy tests do -not- give false positives all the time! At least not modern ones. An individual test is 97% accurate, and using multiple tests means that the likelihood of one being wrong is much reduced.
As for getting pregnant from one brief fuck, that's how I came into this world. How many people here don't know basic biology, or is this abstinence "sex-ed" you Americans have had to put up with?
Condoms are 85% effective in "real world" circs when having regular sex over a year. If an average couple have sex 3 times a week, that makes it a 0.1% chance per event that someone could become pregnant, even with the condom. Looks like our friend here had that one-in-a-thousand event.
Anyway, girlfriend needs to talk to her partner stat, and when decisions have been made, to potential daddy-to-be.
As for getting pregnant from one brief fuck, that's how I came into this world. How many people here don't know basic biology, or is this abstinence "sex-ed" you Americans have had to put up with?
Condoms are 85% effective in "real world" circs when having regular sex over a year. If an average couple have sex 3 times a week, that makes it a 0.1% chance per event that someone could become pregnant, even with the condom. Looks like our friend here had that one-in-a-thousand event.
Anyway, girlfriend needs to talk to her partner stat, and when decisions have been made, to potential daddy-to-be.
19
Trix - yeah. American ignorance about what ACTUALLY happens when you have sex is amazing. But then, look at their teen pregnancy and STD figures- that "abstinence only" education sure is awesome...
And yeah, you can get pregnant the first time, you can get pregnant with just a few seconds of penetration, you can get pregnant even WITHOUT penile penetration if you're not careful (though that is pretty unlikely), hell, there's a remote chance you could get pregnant even if the guy didn't come (precum, ladies and gentlemen, has some sperm cells in it). Also, douching with Coke doesn't help, and the name for girls who agree to the "I'll pull out, honest" method is "mothers."
Yeesh.
And yeah, you can get pregnant the first time, you can get pregnant with just a few seconds of penetration, you can get pregnant even WITHOUT penile penetration if you're not careful (though that is pretty unlikely), hell, there's a remote chance you could get pregnant even if the guy didn't come (precum, ladies and gentlemen, has some sperm cells in it). Also, douching with Coke doesn't help, and the name for girls who agree to the "I'll pull out, honest" method is "mothers."
Yeesh.
20
Dan, I do feel some how uncomfortable and uneasy for the answer you gave to SEFOG, because i am that fucked up guy that had to sacrifice love for friendship too many times. I am more concerned about the emotional wellfare and subsequent emotional fall out of the gay friend .
Any way, I am taking the opportunity to wish all readers, the stranger staff and Dan and his family a happy thanksgiving.
Any way, I am taking the opportunity to wish all readers, the stranger staff and Dan and his family a happy thanksgiving.
21
While not as horrified as 16, I do agree with the sentiment. Dan, if you were going to suggest that this guy confess his attraction to his gay friend, you should have pointed out that his friend is likely to be extremely uncomfortable with this. Any guy concerned enough to back off for a while to protect his friendship is probably going to be offended at being approached to satisfy what is 99.99% likely to be nothing more than a straight guy's random curiosity about gay sex.
22
@19
Take a gander:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12286…
A study in Boston, Massachusetts, and another study in New York City examined samples of pre ejaculate fluid from HIV seropositive and HIV seronegative men to determine whether HIV was or was not present in pre ejaculate fluid. The researchers found macrophages and CD4 lymphocytes in most samples, indicating that HIV was present. The more significant finding, however, was that most pre ejaculate samples did not contain any sperm and those that did had only small clumps of a very small amount of sperm which seemed to be immobile. A larger study is needed to verify these results. If these results are confirmed, they may dispel the myth that pre ejaculate fluid contains sperm.
Take a gander:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12286…
A study in Boston, Massachusetts, and another study in New York City examined samples of pre ejaculate fluid from HIV seropositive and HIV seronegative men to determine whether HIV was or was not present in pre ejaculate fluid. The researchers found macrophages and CD4 lymphocytes in most samples, indicating that HIV was present. The more significant finding, however, was that most pre ejaculate samples did not contain any sperm and those that did had only small clumps of a very small amount of sperm which seemed to be immobile. A larger study is needed to verify these results. If these results are confirmed, they may dispel the myth that pre ejaculate fluid contains sperm.
23
maybe the lesbian girl who was so icked about having sex with a man is now freaked out and having an ectopic pregnancy.. hopefully!!! open adoption or abortion or parenting a unplanned child (and probably a not wanted child for the other two people involved) could all be options, but neither of them really good. good luck and see a doctor!!!
24
The advice to SEFOG is good, balanced -- warning that some people might get attached and hurt, then saying some people might not. Only one way to find out. The gay friend can always refuse, just like the straight guy refused the first time.
http://fasttimesinpalestine.wordpress.co…
http://fasttimesinpalestine.wordpress.co…
25
@23
I think you mean to say that you hope the lesbian writer has pseudocyesis or a psychosomatic pregnancy. An ectopic pregnancy, where the fertilized egg implants outside the uterus, is never a good thing.
I think you mean to say that you hope the lesbian writer has pseudocyesis or a psychosomatic pregnancy. An ectopic pregnancy, where the fertilized egg implants outside the uterus, is never a good thing.
26
I agree with 16.
I was the gay half of that relationship once and I had feelings for the straight guy. When I got over that in order to preserve the friendship, the LAST THING I would have wanted would have been for him to say, "Hey, I'd like to try this gay sex once, but no strings OK? And we have to still be friends after, OK?". If the guy had to pull away in order to keep the friendship, he will get hurt by an offer for sex. Even if he says no, he will spend the next couple of weeks/months being tempted by the offer and mentally shredded by the choice.
My advice? Don't do it unless you're willing to potentially give up the friendship when you reawaken the feelings he has for you.
I was the gay half of that relationship once and I had feelings for the straight guy. When I got over that in order to preserve the friendship, the LAST THING I would have wanted would have been for him to say, "Hey, I'd like to try this gay sex once, but no strings OK? And we have to still be friends after, OK?". If the guy had to pull away in order to keep the friendship, he will get hurt by an offer for sex. Even if he says no, he will spend the next couple of weeks/months being tempted by the offer and mentally shredded by the choice.
My advice? Don't do it unless you're willing to potentially give up the friendship when you reawaken the feelings he has for you.
27
pangursperson - the conclusion of the research was that " the probability of pregnancy is VERY LOW if pre-ejaculate fluid enters the vagina," which I agree with, and as I mentioned above - it's VERY UNLIKELY. However, like one of my best friends who got pregnant while on the Pill and using a condom said - the one in a million chance is 100% for the person who's the "one," and she doesn't really give a fuck how safe the other 999,999 are....
29
Also, douching with Coke doesn't help....
Of course not! Everybody knows that! You have to use Dr. Pepper! Jeez.
Of course not! Everybody knows that! You have to use Dr. Pepper! Jeez.
30
Thanks, Costello; I was wondering the same thing. What's with this assumption that the responsibility for safe sex lies only with the guy who ANSWERED the ad?? It's like we're going back to the 1950s when people said things like "She went and got herself pregnant!"
31
Thank you #16!!! You said what I was thinking the whole time I was reading that. DON'T DO IT! Either of you. It'll end in tears.
32
People are always still making conclusions like "she got herself pregnant" have you read the threads about the girl in the Army, who didn't deploy? They are pretty much saying once a woman makes a contract she has to gerself sterilized or always choose adoption or abortion... The view point of people male and female against women having sex with the same freedom as a man has not really progressed at all...
dixies_fire
dixies_fire
33
Yeah that last letter does sound kind of fake. Only had sex for two minutes and then stopped? And the guy had just come at 1 minute and 55 seconds?
At the same time, plenty of people also use condoms wrong...hard to say...Thanks Dan!
At the same time, plenty of people also use condoms wrong...hard to say...Thanks Dan!
34
@16 etc.
Um, not everyone would be scarred or whatever. He could just say no! I was in a similar situation years in the past. He was the gay guy, I the girl. We were good friends and spent a lot of time together. I was working on getting over my crush on him, he wanted to try to get it on, I said no. We are still good friends. There was no drama.
Um, not everyone would be scarred or whatever. He could just say no! I was in a similar situation years in the past. He was the gay guy, I the girl. We were good friends and spent a lot of time together. I was working on getting over my crush on him, he wanted to try to get it on, I said no. We are still good friends. There was no drama.
35
Domney and Darth are full of it imo. We do not choose the moment of our death, nor do we choose the fickle finger of spermcovered fate that is wielded by the celestial babyplanters. A baby decided it needed to manifest in this weird situation and see what these three yahoos do about it. Likely has nothing to do with real life.
I should know; I deal in erotic fiction!
I should know; I deal in erotic fiction!
36
I agree with the posters above who advise against telling the gay friend about how the writer wants to try being sexual with him. I've been on the straight side of things. The guy said he had feelings for me, but I wasn't interested. I still wanted to be friends with him, and we remained friends until he and I were intimate together (I told him before hand "no strings, and I didn't have the same feelings for him that he had for me, and that I wanted to remain friends). After that, he was heartbroken and didn't want anything to do with me.
Moral of the story: If you want to remain friends with your gay friend, don't tell him you want to fuck him. You don't want a relationship with him, so leave him alone and just be his friend.
Moral of the story: If you want to remain friends with your gay friend, don't tell him you want to fuck him. You don't want a relationship with him, so leave him alone and just be his friend.
37
I feel the need to weigh in on the pre-ejaculate debate. My partner of 9 years has almost no precum. (So little that I have never been able to see or feel or taste any ever, even though there may be microscopic amounts.) We have been practicing "withdrawal" for 6 years, even while I'm ovulating, and I've never gotten pregnant. Perhaps it goes against the odds, but we're going to keep doing it. (We started when having an "unplanned" baby would still be a welcome addition to our little home.)
38
Five months? FIVE MONTHS? If this letter is for real, that woman needs to get to the doctor pronto. You missed that in your advice, Dan. If this woman is really pregnant, she's long past due for an exam (and perhaps an abortion???). She needs to go see a doctor before talking to the girlfriend and "Roger".
Hope she's been avoiding the liquor, just in case it's for real...
Hope she's been avoiding the liquor, just in case it's for real...
39
Letters #1, 2: Totally hot.
As for GBMD: You missed TWO periods and still haven't said a thing to your girlfriend? You do realize that pregnancy is a time-sensitive venture?
Home pregnancy tests are pretty reliable, but get a blood test and find out for sure. Getting a result quickly at home counts for shit if you think you need to do it FOUR TIMES.
Jesus Christ. Tell your girlfriend what's probably happened -- who cares how you tell her? It's not like you fucked Roger without her consent, and it's not like you can really sugar-coat an unexpected pregnancy.
Get thee to a doctor. Get a definitive test. Tell Roger. Then figure out your options together.
@27: Right on. I think more women need to see the numbers that way.
As for GBMD: You missed TWO periods and still haven't said a thing to your girlfriend? You do realize that pregnancy is a time-sensitive venture?
Home pregnancy tests are pretty reliable, but get a blood test and find out for sure. Getting a result quickly at home counts for shit if you think you need to do it FOUR TIMES.
Jesus Christ. Tell your girlfriend what's probably happened -- who cares how you tell her? It's not like you fucked Roger without her consent, and it's not like you can really sugar-coat an unexpected pregnancy.
Get thee to a doctor. Get a definitive test. Tell Roger. Then figure out your options together.
@27: Right on. I think more women need to see the numbers that way.
40
Letters #1, 2: Totally hot.
As for GBMD: You missed TWO periods and still haven't said a thing to your girlfriend? You do realize that pregnancy is a time-sensitive venture?
Home pregnancy tests are pretty reliable, but get a blood test and find out for sure. Getting a result quickly at home counts for shit if you think you need to do it FOUR TIMES.
Jesus Christ. Tell your girlfriend what's probably happened -- who cares how you tell her? It's not like you fucked Roger without her consent, and it's not like you can really sugar-coat an unexpected pregnancy.
Get thee to a doctor. Get a definitive test. Tell Roger. Then figure out your options together.
@27: Right on. I think more women need to see the numbers that way.
As for GBMD: You missed TWO periods and still haven't said a thing to your girlfriend? You do realize that pregnancy is a time-sensitive venture?
Home pregnancy tests are pretty reliable, but get a blood test and find out for sure. Getting a result quickly at home counts for shit if you think you need to do it FOUR TIMES.
Jesus Christ. Tell your girlfriend what's probably happened -- who cares how you tell her? It's not like you fucked Roger without her consent, and it's not like you can really sugar-coat an unexpected pregnancy.
Get thee to a doctor. Get a definitive test. Tell Roger. Then figure out your options together.
@27: Right on. I think more women need to see the numbers that way.
41
Open question regarding SEFOG: What is the likelihood of one or both of these guys sustaining the friendship solely on the "should we/shouldn't we" question?
Not saying SEFOG is being untruthful, but it's possible that his motive could be that he's sticking around his buddy a lot for the booty and vice versa.
They just haven't talked it over and figured that part out.
Not saying SEFOG is being untruthful, but it's possible that his motive could be that he's sticking around his buddy a lot for the booty and vice versa.
They just haven't talked it over and figured that part out.
42
1. As long as SEFOG and his gay friend are completely honest to each other (and themselves) about what they want up front, and what they like to get out of this, I see no problem if they choose to go for it.
3. I'm somewhat baffled by the sentence: 'He did not use a condom.' Was SFMi himself drugged and unconscious during all of this?
4. Dan's advice is solid and to the point. But, I would add, before GBMD does/says anything, she needs to get a REAL test first. STAT.
3. I'm somewhat baffled by the sentence: 'He did not use a condom.' Was SFMi himself drugged and unconscious during all of this?
4. Dan's advice is solid and to the point. But, I would add, before GBMD does/says anything, she needs to get a REAL test first. STAT.
43
@38: She said that she'd missed two periods (so two to three months at most) and had taken four home preg tests.
Agree that five months would be a bit excessive - but it seems that she is prob not further along than 1st trimester.
Agree that five months would be a bit excessive - but it seems that she is prob not further along than 1st trimester.
44
@17, you say:
"If you adopt, go with an open adoption. That way your child won't be growing up in a web of lies and shame."
I am an adopted near-39 year old. 39 years ago they didn't really have 'open adoptions' but I can assure you that my 'closed adoption' did not include any lies or shame. Lies and shame are a result of bad parenting, not adoption. I can't remember ever not knowing I was adopted. My Mom said that she started telling me I was adopted during the car ride home from the hospital. All my life it's been perfectly normal to be adopted. My parents hid nothing and told me I was always welcome to seek out my birth parents if that's what I wanted to do. Something I've mulled off and on.
I'm sorry that your experience was so different and negative, but don't lump us all together for a second.
"If you adopt, go with an open adoption. That way your child won't be growing up in a web of lies and shame."
I am an adopted near-39 year old. 39 years ago they didn't really have 'open adoptions' but I can assure you that my 'closed adoption' did not include any lies or shame. Lies and shame are a result of bad parenting, not adoption. I can't remember ever not knowing I was adopted. My Mom said that she started telling me I was adopted during the car ride home from the hospital. All my life it's been perfectly normal to be adopted. My parents hid nothing and told me I was always welcome to seek out my birth parents if that's what I wanted to do. Something I've mulled off and on.
I'm sorry that your experience was so different and negative, but don't lump us all together for a second.
45
Dan, I'm a bit disappointed in your advice to SEFOG, especially since you're an advocate of gay people having less sex and straights having as much as they want.
The gay friend confessed feelings to the straight guy - aren't you the one who spoke on "homo-emotional need" Dan?
I truly hate how some of these trolls around here fuck with you, but you shit the bed on that advice Dan...this straight jerk who just wants to have his dick licked and tricked needs to find a different gay guy who doesn't mind fucking a straight dude just for kicks. Be a real friend and leave the gay friend alone - don't confess feelings.
The gay friend confessed feelings to the straight guy - aren't you the one who spoke on "homo-emotional need" Dan?
I truly hate how some of these trolls around here fuck with you, but you shit the bed on that advice Dan...this straight jerk who just wants to have his dick licked and tricked needs to find a different gay guy who doesn't mind fucking a straight dude just for kicks. Be a real friend and leave the gay friend alone - don't confess feelings.
46
I'd like to add my voice to the chorus thanking you for mentioning open adoption. I'm an open adoption birth parent and I definitely think it's an option people need to take seriously regardless of how they feel about abortion.
47
For those of you interested in open adoption, Dan wrote a fascinating book a few years ago called "The Kid," the story of his and his boyfriend's adoption of their child. I'm sure the book has been overtaken by events since the time it was written, but it is a very interesting and entertaining read.
48
@37
The most salient point here is what you say at the end: "(We started when having an "unplanned" baby would still be a welcome addition to our little home.)"
Withdrawal and/or the fertility awareness method can be very effective for some people. Some people shouldn't use it.... women with irregular periods, people with multiple partners (at least don't use this method with all of them... if you're going to use it, use it with ONE partner, barriers with all of the others), and people for whom a pregnancy would be awful.
Statistically, it is the least effective of all contraceptive methods, and using it means accepting that risk.... but for many people (like @37), that risk is worth it. It's all about informed decision-making.
The most salient point here is what you say at the end: "(We started when having an "unplanned" baby would still be a welcome addition to our little home.)"
Withdrawal and/or the fertility awareness method can be very effective for some people. Some people shouldn't use it.... women with irregular periods, people with multiple partners (at least don't use this method with all of them... if you're going to use it, use it with ONE partner, barriers with all of the others), and people for whom a pregnancy would be awful.
Statistically, it is the least effective of all contraceptive methods, and using it means accepting that risk.... but for many people (like @37), that risk is worth it. It's all about informed decision-making.
49
I think Dan was spot on in his advice for the first letter. Regardless of how the gay friend reacts to the straight friend's confession, or if they actually go through with things, or whether things get weird - it's just feelings at stake. People get hurt all the time by following their hearts. Let them take the chance and see what happens. They've only known each other for a year, how bad could the fall out possibly be?
What I said may sound callous, but I've been in the position before of having to confess my feelings to a straight friend who didn't react well. We don't talk much anymore, but at least I know I had the courage to say it and I can handle the aftermath.
What I said may sound callous, but I've been in the position before of having to confess my feelings to a straight friend who didn't react well. We don't talk much anymore, but at least I know I had the courage to say it and I can handle the aftermath.
50
I'm sure that the statistics about condom use cited by various posters here come from highly legitimate sources. However, I feel their effectiveness at stopping pregnancy is being more and more unfairly maligned - obviously not by the sort of people who read Savage Love, but by others with axes to grind e.g. Popes, funders of abstinence education programmes etc etc.
My reason? I've been with my boyfriend for 20 years, and we've used condoms for the whole of that time - pretty normal frequency sex life, 1-3 times a week sometimes more. I've never got pregnant, until we decided to try for a baby. Five weeks after we took the goalie off the pitch, I'm pregnant.
Seems to me those things are bloody good!
My reason? I've been with my boyfriend for 20 years, and we've used condoms for the whole of that time - pretty normal frequency sex life, 1-3 times a week sometimes more. I've never got pregnant, until we decided to try for a baby. Five weeks after we took the goalie off the pitch, I'm pregnant.
Seems to me those things are bloody good!
51
When I was in college a good friend got pregnant the first time she had sex, and they were using a condom. It's like the opposite of winning the lottery, but it can happen.
53
"Lob your balls into your friend's court"
LoL
I'm going to guess the reason she got pregnant from 2 minutes of sex was because he'd already come once and there was some sloppiness putting the condom on. I am not sure why anyone would fake a letter like that.
LoL
I'm going to guess the reason she got pregnant from 2 minutes of sex was because he'd already come once and there was some sloppiness putting the condom on. I am not sure why anyone would fake a letter like that.
54
@11 - actually its pretty rare that a home pregnancy test will give a false positive, and almost impossible that four in a row will. they give false negatives all the time, but false positives are few and far between. that being said, i agree that she needs to get a blood test to confirm.
56
@49 - Did you miss, or are you simply neglecting the fact that the gay guy expressed feelings for the straight guy and the straight guy turned him down? Now that the straight guy wants to try the gay side sexually (NOT emotionally), it's okay?
57
Straight Except For One Guy, I think straight guys whenever they find another compatible guy they'd totally be willing to f*ck without any strings attached, but with the way society sees homosexual relationships its ingrained in people's brain, straight=good and gay=bad [which is complete bulls*it, in my opinion] But I think Straight Except for One Guy is probably making a mistake, he probably likes the idea his friend was completely attracted to him and felt left out when his smart friend decided to put some distance between each other to save their friendship [don't f*ck it up man] he was smart enough to pull away from you because he knew it wasn't going to happen, if he just wanted to f*ck you he'd have said it or made some coy comment on whether you were bi-curios.
58
@23 Please don't wish an ectopic pregnancy on anyone! They are potentially very, very dangerous! If I remember my Planned Parenthood training, the hormonal change of a woman with an _incorrectly_ implanted egg is minimal - as in not enough to warrant a positive urine test. BTW, all the people advocating for open adoptions is one thing, but folks advocating for the opening up of (anonymous) adoption is why some would choose abortion over adoption.
59
I'll throw a anecdotal confirmation to #50 Been with my wife 10 years, condoms the whole time. Two months off the rubber and we are parents, yay!
60
gttim@29: i thought it was red bull. isn't that how it got its name? (get it?) that's what i heard, anyway.
61
Darth, Its completely possible for a lesbian identified woman to get pregnant the first time having protected sex with a man. It doesn't take long at all to get pregnant and a whole fucking lot of pregnancies are due to the failure rate of condoms (thats the very reason why I even exist). I say not fake.
63
SEFOG needs to take a HUGE step back and really analyse things. His friend put his friendship before his physical feelings, surely a clear-cut sign that SEFOGs' friendship is more important than a one-night stand. Whether its a new level of appreciation for his friend or just a sense of curiosity, friendship is not worth risking on a sexual level, that's unless you both are ready to accept the emotional reprecussions a one night stand could have. I'd say do the least for your friend and give him the same respect he showed you, by letting it go.
As far as condoms go, being lesbian there's no need for the pill, which most women i know take like clockwork. Condoms are not 100%, we all know the warnings and people can tear them or put them on incorrectly, so it's not impossible that GBMD could get pregnant, but just unlikely. Still, good luck with telling Roger and your partner!
@27 is spot on, even with the pill and contraception if there's a 1 in a million chance a woman will get pregnant then there's at least one woman who'll get pregnant.
As far as condoms go, being lesbian there's no need for the pill, which most women i know take like clockwork. Condoms are not 100%, we all know the warnings and people can tear them or put them on incorrectly, so it's not impossible that GBMD could get pregnant, but just unlikely. Still, good luck with telling Roger and your partner!
@27 is spot on, even with the pill and contraception if there's a 1 in a million chance a woman will get pregnant then there's at least one woman who'll get pregnant.
64
There must be some unconscious need to express same sex attraction by that "straight" friend... but at the same time have the desire to avoid the stigma of openly pursuing it.
I firmly believe in gaydar, and these two are reading signs subconsciously and acting out accordingly.
The gay guy feels a certain way romantically, but the 'straight' guy feels a certain way sexually [two distinctly different things]; the straight guy will only be able to reciprocate in this sexual fashion, not in the way the gay guy wants- a relationship with intimacy. Unlike, the straight guy, who wants adventure and sexual kicks. These two things are not a good combination. Someone will get hurt.
If the gay guy couldn't distance himself from his emotions and instead literally had to physically distance himself from the situation- what makes you think sex would be such a great idea between the two of them?
And according to the following question 'sent by iphone' [the curious guy]- what would not make you think that once those two initiate the act, that immediately the straight guy will back out because of a realization of his hetero stats. That isn't fair for the gay guy or the straight one too. The friendship is at risk.
I firmly believe in gaydar, and these two are reading signs subconsciously and acting out accordingly.
The gay guy feels a certain way romantically, but the 'straight' guy feels a certain way sexually [two distinctly different things]; the straight guy will only be able to reciprocate in this sexual fashion, not in the way the gay guy wants- a relationship with intimacy. Unlike, the straight guy, who wants adventure and sexual kicks. These two things are not a good combination. Someone will get hurt.
If the gay guy couldn't distance himself from his emotions and instead literally had to physically distance himself from the situation- what makes you think sex would be such a great idea between the two of them?
And according to the following question 'sent by iphone' [the curious guy]- what would not make you think that once those two initiate the act, that immediately the straight guy will back out because of a realization of his hetero stats. That isn't fair for the gay guy or the straight one too. The friendship is at risk.
65
I've been a Dan-fan for quite a while now, but for the first time I'm in disagreement with his advice to to SEFOG.
I'm your cliched straight-but-bi-curious-woman, and although I would love to have sex with another woman, I know I am emotionally attracted to men, period.
I have a lesbian friend who years ago had feelings for me. She also had a history of gay-until-graduation girlfriends, which damaged her self-esteem. I think she's beautiful, clever and sexy, but I'm glad we never had sex just to satisfy my lust/curiousity. SEFOG's wise friend obviously had an emotional struggle to get him to a place where he was cool with them just being friends.
If SEFOG fucks him he's risking playing cruelly with his friend's emotions and possibly losing him.
Good friends are harder to find than fuck-buddies. If SEFOG wants "no strings" he should just look for a hot gay guy with whom he has no history who also want "no strings".
I know people have said "hearts get broken all the time" etc. but that doesn't mean you should actively risk hurting someone you love as a friend when you know there is absolutely *no* future for you as a couple. That's just treating someone like a sex-toy instead of a person. Yeah gay men are real men, but SEFOG's friend obviously wanted more than just a fuck from him, and was man enough to get over it.
I'm your cliched straight-but-bi-curious-woman, and although I would love to have sex with another woman, I know I am emotionally attracted to men, period.
I have a lesbian friend who years ago had feelings for me. She also had a history of gay-until-graduation girlfriends, which damaged her self-esteem. I think she's beautiful, clever and sexy, but I'm glad we never had sex just to satisfy my lust/curiousity. SEFOG's wise friend obviously had an emotional struggle to get him to a place where he was cool with them just being friends.
If SEFOG fucks him he's risking playing cruelly with his friend's emotions and possibly losing him.
Good friends are harder to find than fuck-buddies. If SEFOG wants "no strings" he should just look for a hot gay guy with whom he has no history who also want "no strings".
I know people have said "hearts get broken all the time" etc. but that doesn't mean you should actively risk hurting someone you love as a friend when you know there is absolutely *no* future for you as a couple. That's just treating someone like a sex-toy instead of a person. Yeah gay men are real men, but SEFOG's friend obviously wanted more than just a fuck from him, and was man enough to get over it.
66
@17
"If you adopt, go with an open adoption. That way your child won't be growing up in a web of lies and shame."
I infer from your word choice that you think if a child is adopted in a closed system, that child will certainly grow up in a web of lies and shame. That isn't true.
I was adopted, too, but there was no contact between my family and my birthparents. My parents, however, made sure that I was clear on where I came from and that it was not shameful. My sister was adopted, too; same spiel. I've had many anxieties and sources of trauma, but my adoption has never been among them. For my sister, either, as far as I can tell. Now I'm friends with my birthmom, and it's great, but that was my decision as an adult.
Open adoption is certainly an idea I'm cool with if it works best for all involved, but I don't know much about it so I can't comment further. Non-open adoption, as well. Whichever arrangement you choose, it is only as good as the people who make it.
"I suggest to birthmothers not to leave it up to a social worker to choose the parents for your kid."
This I COMPLETELY agree with. Birthmom carefully selected parents, worked out great, no regrets anywhere. Birthmom said she wouldn't have gone through with it had she not had total freedom to choose. I took that to heart and echo your suggestion loudly.
"If you adopt, go with an open adoption. That way your child won't be growing up in a web of lies and shame."
I infer from your word choice that you think if a child is adopted in a closed system, that child will certainly grow up in a web of lies and shame. That isn't true.
I was adopted, too, but there was no contact between my family and my birthparents. My parents, however, made sure that I was clear on where I came from and that it was not shameful. My sister was adopted, too; same spiel. I've had many anxieties and sources of trauma, but my adoption has never been among them. For my sister, either, as far as I can tell. Now I'm friends with my birthmom, and it's great, but that was my decision as an adult.
Open adoption is certainly an idea I'm cool with if it works best for all involved, but I don't know much about it so I can't comment further. Non-open adoption, as well. Whichever arrangement you choose, it is only as good as the people who make it.
"I suggest to birthmothers not to leave it up to a social worker to choose the parents for your kid."
This I COMPLETELY agree with. Birthmom carefully selected parents, worked out great, no regrets anywhere. Birthmom said she wouldn't have gone through with it had she not had total freedom to choose. I took that to heart and echo your suggestion loudly.
67
Geeez....what a bunch of emotional scaredy-cats! Speaking as the gay guy in a similar stiuation to SEFOG's, I say go for it. Relatively intelligent an communicative adults can make it through a simple fuck. Sometimes, once is all that is needed to give real depth to a friendship.
68
If these two women live together, the girlfriend already knows that something is up with the writer's cycle... because women in same sex relationships are not usually in the habit of keeping track as closely as straight girls,she might not have made any conscience connection between the missing periods and their romp with Roger, but she knows on some level that something is amiss.... and may even be wondering if she should bring it up.
The time to have a little conference about this was yesterday.
The time to have a little conference about this was yesterday.
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