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Rape of Irish Boys "Endemic," "Systematic" at Homes Run By Catholic Religious Order
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Crossing Over
November 26, 2009
Tools
I am a 29-year-old single straight man. Over the past year, I have become very close friends with a gay man close to my age. We have a blast hanging out, and I value our friendship. Four months ago, he told me that he had developed romantic feelings for me and said he needed a little space to save our friendship. For a couple of months, we saw each other only with mutual friends. Then we started hanging out again. It's been great, and he seems very comfortable with me again. The thing is, I am now experiencing a sexual attraction to him. I have never been with a man and I am very attracted to women, but it doesn't bother me that I suddenly feel this way.
I have been thinking about asking him if he wants to have a sexual experience with me. I think he would go for it. A long-term romantic relationship with him does not interest me, but I do love him as a friend and don't want to risk losing that. Is it possible this could be just a one-time thing that brings us closer as friends, or is it more likely to ruin our friendship? He is the only guy I have ever been attracted to, and I want to have this experience.
Straight Except For One Guy
While you're open to having a gay experience with your friend, SEFOG, he would probably prefer to have a gay relationship with someone. The fact that he can't "have you"—i.e., you're never gonna gay marry him—may make him reluctant to fuck your ass. Having sex with you could obviously reignite feelings he made an effort to squash to "save the friendship"—duh—and he may dread the feelings of jealousy and inadequacy that could swamp him when the inevitable happens and you wind up in a LTR with a woman.
All that said, SEFOG, I'm going to share a little secret with you about gay men: We're men, real men, just like straight men. We're good at having sex without getting emotionally attached—some of us are a little too good at it—and a single gay man, like a single straight man, rarely passes up a chance to get with someone he's attracted to, even if he wants more than that person can give. About the only thing that gay men are better at than straight men—besides deep-throating—is maintaining friendships with exes, one-night stands, friends-with-benefits, fuck buddies, et al.
Lob your balls into your friend's court, SEFOG, and see what he says. You were able to remain friends after he confessed his attraction to you, so I don't see why you won't be able to remain friends after you confess your attraction to him.
I'm a woman with an extremely gorgeous, brilliant, openly (mostly) gay friend whom I've been having sex with infrequently but regularly over the last six months. I know why I'm doing it: I enjoy his company, he's hot, the sex is incredible. But I'm not sure why he's having sex with me, a straight girl. The most I could get out of him is that he thinks I have a "masculine sexuality." I'd like to have a clearer understanding of where our friendship/sexual relationship stands. I am a person who likes to talk about everything, and he is not.
Confused Over Male Eroticism
I would hazard a guess that your (mostly) gay friend is doing this—doing you—for the same reasons you're doing him: He enjoys your company, you're hot, and the sex is great. As for where you stand, COME, well, that depends on what you want. Do you want hot sex with a hot guy every once in a while? Then you're in good standing. Do you want a relationship? Then you're deluding yourself. Very few gay-identified men are secretly closeted straight guys, COME. When a bisexual guy identifies as gay, it's typically because he's not romantically attracted to women. He can fuck women, but he doesn't fall in love with women. Most bisexual guys are the opposite of your (mostly) gay friend, i.e., they can fuck men but they don't fall in love with men, which is why most bi guys identify as (mostly) straight.
I wanted to satisfy my curiosity of getting a blowjob from a guy. I found one online willing to do the deed, and we met and he started. After about 15 seconds, I stopped him. It was not for me and did not feel right. Now, in reality, what are my chances of getting a disease? Low? Medium? High? He did not use a condom. I know you are going to say to get tested, which I probably will. But in your opinion, are my chances so great that I should run to the clinic? Would it matter the time length of the BJ? Say, if it were 10 to 15 minutes instead of seconds? Thanks for your time.
Sent From My iPhone
My apologies to Jerry Herman: It only takes a moment to contract a sexually transmitted infection you could have your whole life long, SFMi. If the guy who blew you—however brief the blowjob was—had syphilis or chlamydia or herpes or all three, you could've contracted any or all of them. You can't contract an STI from a guy who doesn't have any STIs, of course, but what do you think the chances are that a guy who blows strangers he meets online has an STI? Low? Medium? High?
Go get tested, SFMi.
I'm a 23-year-old lesbian who's been in a relationship with a bisexual woman. She's always had a fantasy about guy-girl-girl three-ways, so about five or so months ago, we decided to invite her best friend, "Roger," into bed with us. We've both been pretty happy with the arrangement. At the start, I refused to have sex with him. But about two months ago, I decided I wanted to try it, never having had sex with a guy myself. I couldn't get into it, so we stopped after two minutes. Since then, I've missed two periods and done four home pregnancy tests—all positive.
How the hell am I going to break the news to my girlfriend? We used condoms! I'd like to keep the baby and raise it with my girlfriend, but we have been living with each other for only a year. And how do I break it to Roger, if at all?
Gay Baby Mama Drama
How do you break the news to your girlfriend? The same way you break it to Roger: without further delay. Keeping the baby is your decision and your choice, GBMD, but it's a decision you have to make in consultation with your girlfriend if you're counting on her to raise this baby with you. And as your ultimate choice will have enormous potential consequences for Roger, both emotional and financial, he needed to be informed of your condition three pregnancy tests ago.
Your girlfriend may not be ready for the
kind of commitment that coparenting represents. Roger may be
nontraditional in the whole three-ways-with-hot-lesbians sense but
traditional in the wants-to-be-the-father-of-his-child sense. You need
their input as you make this choice, GBMD. And you have choices in
addition to abortion or keeping the baby. There's also open adoption.
In an open adoption, you pick the family the child is placed with, and
you and Roger can have ongoing contact with the child after adoption.
You can learn more about open adoption at www.openadopt.org. ![]()
First time with a guy? Check
Short time with dick? Check
Used condom? Check
FAKE
Still smells like something cooked up by an adult magazine with a threesome and the age of the participant.
Reminds me of the story about the woman who had sex with one of guy's 5 brothers in the dark during a snowstorm.
9
Also, the first guy the chick has sex with, for only 2 minutes, AND wearing a condom and she got pregnant?!? I'm guessing that kid is the messiah or something.
Was it the first two minutes or the last two minutes? Makes a difference if you are getting pregnant.
13
Just sayin'.
For the straight friend even to consider bringing up those old feelings is thoughtless. To advise the straight friend to do so is like telling someone to rip the scabs off of a healing wound. It WILL leave a scar.
I really hope the gay guy recognizes himself in this letter and protects himself emotionally, since nobodey else seems to give a shit about him.
I was adopted in a broken system, and ran away from my parents as a teenager, so me and Dan have different experiences with adoption; however, we do agree on one thing. If you adopt, go with an open adoption. That way your child won't be growing up in a web of lies and shame. Also, while I have met with some nice social workers, the one that worked on my case failed in so many fucking ways. I do not understand how a woman that has all the signs of an alcoholic, who cannot keep a stable job, and has had anger problems in the past, can pass the intense interviews that come with adoption. What an incompetent goof ... I suggest to birthmothers not to leave it up to a social worker to choose the parents for your kid.
As for getting pregnant from one brief fuck, that's how I came into this world. How many people here don't know basic biology, or is this abstinence "sex-ed" you Americans have had to put up with?
Condoms are 85% effective in "real world" circs when having regular sex over a year. If an average couple have sex 3 times a week, that makes it a 0.1% chance per event that someone could become pregnant, even with the condom. Looks like our friend here had that one-in-a-thousand event.
Anyway, girlfriend needs to talk to her partner stat, and when decisions have been made, to potential daddy-to-be.
And yeah, you can get pregnant the first time, you can get pregnant with just a few seconds of penetration, you can get pregnant even WITHOUT penile penetration if you're not careful (though that is pretty unlikely), hell, there's a remote chance you could get pregnant even if the guy didn't come (precum, ladies and gentlemen, has some sperm cells in it). Also, douching with Coke doesn't help, and the name for girls who agree to the "I'll pull out, honest" method is "mothers."
Yeesh.
Any way, I am taking the opportunity to wish all readers, the stranger staff and Dan and his family a happy thanksgiving.
Take a gander:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12286…
A study in Boston, Massachusetts, and another study in New York City examined samples of pre ejaculate fluid from HIV seropositive and HIV seronegative men to determine whether HIV was or was not present in pre ejaculate fluid. The researchers found macrophages and CD4 lymphocytes in most samples, indicating that HIV was present. The more significant finding, however, was that most pre ejaculate samples did not contain any sperm and those that did had only small clumps of a very small amount of sperm which seemed to be immobile. A larger study is needed to verify these results. If these results are confirmed, they may dispel the myth that pre ejaculate fluid contains sperm.
http://fasttimesinpalestine.wordpress.co…
I think you mean to say that you hope the lesbian writer has pseudocyesis or a psychosomatic pregnancy. An ectopic pregnancy, where the fertilized egg implants outside the uterus, is never a good thing.
I was the gay half of that relationship once and I had feelings for the straight guy. When I got over that in order to preserve the friendship, the LAST THING I would have wanted would have been for him to say, "Hey, I'd like to try this gay sex once, but no strings OK? And we have to still be friends after, OK?". If the guy had to pull away in order to keep the friendship, he will get hurt by an offer for sex. Even if he says no, he will spend the next couple of weeks/months being tempted by the offer and mentally shredded by the choice.
My advice? Don't do it unless you're willing to potentially give up the friendship when you reawaken the feelings he has for you.
Of course not! Everybody knows that! You have to use Dr. Pepper! Jeez.
dixies_fire
At the same time, plenty of people also use condoms wrong...hard to say...Thanks Dan!
Um, not everyone would be scarred or whatever. He could just say no! I was in a similar situation years in the past. He was the gay guy, I the girl. We were good friends and spent a lot of time together. I was working on getting over my crush on him, he wanted to try to get it on, I said no. We are still good friends. There was no drama.
35
I should know; I deal in erotic fiction!
Moral of the story: If you want to remain friends with your gay friend, don't tell him you want to fuck him. You don't want a relationship with him, so leave him alone and just be his friend.
38
Hope she's been avoiding the liquor, just in case it's for real...
As for GBMD: You missed TWO periods and still haven't said a thing to your girlfriend? You do realize that pregnancy is a time-sensitive venture?
Home pregnancy tests are pretty reliable, but get a blood test and find out for sure. Getting a result quickly at home counts for shit if you think you need to do it FOUR TIMES.
Jesus Christ. Tell your girlfriend what's probably happened -- who cares how you tell her? It's not like you fucked Roger without her consent, and it's not like you can really sugar-coat an unexpected pregnancy.
Get thee to a doctor. Get a definitive test. Tell Roger. Then figure out your options together.
@27: Right on. I think more women need to see the numbers that way.
As for GBMD: You missed TWO periods and still haven't said a thing to your girlfriend? You do realize that pregnancy is a time-sensitive venture?
Home pregnancy tests are pretty reliable, but get a blood test and find out for sure. Getting a result quickly at home counts for shit if you think you need to do it FOUR TIMES.
Jesus Christ. Tell your girlfriend what's probably happened -- who cares how you tell her? It's not like you fucked Roger without her consent, and it's not like you can really sugar-coat an unexpected pregnancy.
Get thee to a doctor. Get a definitive test. Tell Roger. Then figure out your options together.
@27: Right on. I think more women need to see the numbers that way.
41
Not saying SEFOG is being untruthful, but it's possible that his motive could be that he's sticking around his buddy a lot for the booty and vice versa.
They just haven't talked it over and figured that part out.
3. I'm somewhat baffled by the sentence: 'He did not use a condom.' Was SFMi himself drugged and unconscious during all of this?
4. Dan's advice is solid and to the point. But, I would add, before GBMD does/says anything, she needs to get a REAL test first. STAT.
43
Agree that five months would be a bit excessive - but it seems that she is prob not further along than 1st trimester.
"If you adopt, go with an open adoption. That way your child won't be growing up in a web of lies and shame."
I am an adopted near-39 year old. 39 years ago they didn't really have 'open adoptions' but I can assure you that my 'closed adoption' did not include any lies or shame. Lies and shame are a result of bad parenting, not adoption. I can't remember ever not knowing I was adopted. My Mom said that she started telling me I was adopted during the car ride home from the hospital. All my life it's been perfectly normal to be adopted. My parents hid nothing and told me I was always welcome to seek out my birth parents if that's what I wanted to do. Something I've mulled off and on.
I'm sorry that your experience was so different and negative, but don't lump us all together for a second.
45
The gay friend confessed feelings to the straight guy - aren't you the one who spoke on "homo-emotional need" Dan?
I truly hate how some of these trolls around here fuck with you, but you shit the bed on that advice Dan...this straight jerk who just wants to have his dick licked and tricked needs to find a different gay guy who doesn't mind fucking a straight dude just for kicks. Be a real friend and leave the gay friend alone - don't confess feelings.
47
The most salient point here is what you say at the end: "(We started when having an "unplanned" baby would still be a welcome addition to our little home.)"
Withdrawal and/or the fertility awareness method can be very effective for some people. Some people shouldn't use it.... women with irregular periods, people with multiple partners (at least don't use this method with all of them... if you're going to use it, use it with ONE partner, barriers with all of the others), and people for whom a pregnancy would be awful.
Statistically, it is the least effective of all contraceptive methods, and using it means accepting that risk.... but for many people (like @37), that risk is worth it. It's all about informed decision-making.
What I said may sound callous, but I've been in the position before of having to confess my feelings to a straight friend who didn't react well. We don't talk much anymore, but at least I know I had the courage to say it and I can handle the aftermath.
My reason? I've been with my boyfriend for 20 years, and we've used condoms for the whole of that time - pretty normal frequency sex life, 1-3 times a week sometimes more. I've never got pregnant, until we decided to try for a baby. Five weeks after we took the goalie off the pitch, I'm pregnant.
Seems to me those things are bloody good!
LoL
I'm going to guess the reason she got pregnant from 2 minutes of sex was because he'd already come once and there was some sloppiness putting the condom on. I am not sure why anyone would fake a letter like that.
56
58
As far as condoms go, being lesbian there's no need for the pill, which most women i know take like clockwork. Condoms are not 100%, we all know the warnings and people can tear them or put them on incorrectly, so it's not impossible that GBMD could get pregnant, but just unlikely. Still, good luck with telling Roger and your partner!
@27 is spot on, even with the pill and contraception if there's a 1 in a million chance a woman will get pregnant then there's at least one woman who'll get pregnant.
I firmly believe in gaydar, and these two are reading signs subconsciously and acting out accordingly.
The gay guy feels a certain way romantically, but the 'straight' guy feels a certain way sexually [two distinctly different things]; the straight guy will only be able to reciprocate in this sexual fashion, not in the way the gay guy wants- a relationship with intimacy. Unlike, the straight guy, who wants adventure and sexual kicks. These two things are not a good combination. Someone will get hurt.
If the gay guy couldn't distance himself from his emotions and instead literally had to physically distance himself from the situation- what makes you think sex would be such a great idea between the two of them?
And according to the following question 'sent by iphone' [the curious guy]- what would not make you think that once those two initiate the act, that immediately the straight guy will back out because of a realization of his hetero stats. That isn't fair for the gay guy or the straight one too. The friendship is at risk.
I'm your cliched straight-but-bi-curious-woman, and although I would love to have sex with another woman, I know I am emotionally attracted to men, period.
I have a lesbian friend who years ago had feelings for me. She also had a history of gay-until-graduation girlfriends, which damaged her self-esteem. I think she's beautiful, clever and sexy, but I'm glad we never had sex just to satisfy my lust/curiousity. SEFOG's wise friend obviously had an emotional struggle to get him to a place where he was cool with them just being friends.
If SEFOG fucks him he's risking playing cruelly with his friend's emotions and possibly losing him.
Good friends are harder to find than fuck-buddies. If SEFOG wants "no strings" he should just look for a hot gay guy with whom he has no history who also want "no strings".
I know people have said "hearts get broken all the time" etc. but that doesn't mean you should actively risk hurting someone you love as a friend when you know there is absolutely *no* future for you as a couple. That's just treating someone like a sex-toy instead of a person. Yeah gay men are real men, but SEFOG's friend obviously wanted more than just a fuck from him, and was man enough to get over it.
"If you adopt, go with an open adoption. That way your child won't be growing up in a web of lies and shame."
I infer from your word choice that you think if a child is adopted in a closed system, that child will certainly grow up in a web of lies and shame. That isn't true.
I was adopted, too, but there was no contact between my family and my birthparents. My parents, however, made sure that I was clear on where I came from and that it was not shameful. My sister was adopted, too; same spiel. I've had many anxieties and sources of trauma, but my adoption has never been among them. For my sister, either, as far as I can tell. Now I'm friends with my birthmom, and it's great, but that was my decision as an adult.
Open adoption is certainly an idea I'm cool with if it works best for all involved, but I don't know much about it so I can't comment further. Non-open adoption, as well. Whichever arrangement you choose, it is only as good as the people who make it.
"I suggest to birthmothers not to leave it up to a social worker to choose the parents for your kid."
This I COMPLETELY agree with. Birthmom carefully selected parents, worked out great, no regrets anywhere. Birthmom said she wouldn't have gone through with it had she not had total freedom to choose. I took that to heart and echo your suggestion loudly.
The time to have a little conference about this was yesterday.





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