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Peg, Pegging, Pegged

August 9, 2007

By Dan Savage

I am a 25-year-old bi female with a bi male partner. My boyfriend likes stuff up his butt—really likes it. I am continually shocked by his ability and willingness to take on new challenges in this department. After a few months of playing with plugs and vibrators, I asked him if he would be up for pegging. He responded enthusiastically.

Our first attempt gave me a real appreciation for what guys do—all that thrusting isn't as easy as it looks! My boyfriend appreciated my efforts, but he wants me to thrust faster, deeper, and harder. Basically, he wants to be fucked like he's my prison bitch. Is this kind of "rough" anal sex safe? Everything I've read about anal sex says to take it slow and easy. I want to give him what he wants, but I don't want to hurt him.

Timid Top In Tacoma

"Sounds to me like TTIT hasn't seen much gay fisting porn," says Violet Blue—blogger, columnist, and author of The Adventurous Couple's Guide to Strap-On Sex, just published by Cleis Press. "Once she sees what looks like guys parking backhoes in each other's butts, she'll realize just how resilient this little cavity can be."

But first, a few words about pegging—aka strap-on sex—for recent high-school graduates and other new readers of this column. Once upon a time, women were doing guys in their asses with strap-on dildos and it was good. But when a guy wanted to ask for it, or a girl wanted to propose it, they had to say, "Hey, would you be willing to do me/would you let me do you in the ass with a strap-on dildo?" Annoyed by this mouthful, a Savage Love reader suggested that I harness the collective wisdom of my readers and come up with a name for girls fucking guys' butts, and "pegging" won. It's crisp, clean, and easily conjugated: He asked her to peg him; she loves pegging him; they pegged all night long.

However, while my readers christened the term pegging, they didn't invent the act. "Pegging started showing up in porn circa 1970 and became an increasingly popular sex act for straight kids once strap-on harnesses became commercially available in the 1990s," says Violet. "As I explain in my book, strap-on sex was so misunderstood by mainstream porn producers that indie-porn companies made films like Bend Over Boyfriend," which walked couples through the mechanics of pegging, while at the same time demonstrating just how hot it could be.

But hip porn, commercially available harnesses, and catchy names can't account for the boom in girl-on-boy anal sex, can they? What's driving the pegging craze? "Perhaps straight guys are more interested in having women play with their asses because of increased awareness about prostate health," says Violet. "Or maybe, guys are just more comfortable and confident about their heterosexuality."

So more and more guys like it—but what about guys who like it rough? "TTIT should take it slow and easy at first," says Violet, "until her guy indicates that he's ready for more, and then she should certainly give it to him. She should use LOTS of lube—she may want to invest in a lube syringe, which is what those ass athletes in porn use. But she's the guardian of his anal safety at all times and should pay close attention and proceed carefully."

I've been dating a wonderful guy for a year. Two months into our relationship, he expressed his desire to be penetrated. We bought a strap-on, and he sucked my new dick and I pegged him. Honestly, it turned me on as much as it did him. Then he started talking about wanting to suck a real dick. I was okay with having a threesome with a trusted bi guy friend who could pay us equal attention. It went well and we all had fun.

But now he wants to have a real cock up his ass, and I am less okay with it. Every time we have sex, he requests ass play. We never have vaginal intercourse anymore unless I ask. How soon will it be before I am left out entirely? Have I just been the testing ground for a shy gay boy who is now coming to fully realize that he would rather be with men than women?

Pegged Out Of The Hole

"In my book, I go on for miles about how pegging doesn't in any way make, or create, homosexuality," says Violet. "But POOTH's concerns about being left out are real, regardless of what her boyfriend is trying to figure out."

Like Violet, I have gone to great lengths to reassure heterosexual couples that a little anal stimulation—up to and including penetration—can't turn a straight or bi guy into a gay guy. But sometimes a bi guy who hasn't experienced much same-sex action is so excited about exploring cock—real or simulated—that he takes his first indulgent girlfriend for granted. A guy like that just needs a slap upside the head. ("Hello? Remember pussy? Well, you better start or you're going to lose the best girlfriend a bi guy ever had, bitch.")

But at the risk of annoying the bi-furious community, it has to be said that some gay guys do identify as bi at first and will use an indulgent girlfriend as, in POOTH's words, a "testing ground." So how do you figure out if your boyfriend is a thoughtless bisexual or a temporary bisexual?

"POOTH needs to ask her boy why her pussy is so conspicuously out of the picture," says Violet. "It's possible that he's going through an experimental phase. But totally ignoring her needs and treating her like a prop—or the peg upon which he hangs his ass at night—is totally unacceptable."

Are there any forums out there dedicated to the discussion of pegging for mostly vanilla women? Everything I've come across plays into stereotypes that plague male-on-female anal sex. ("Take my cock up that little ass," etc.) I don't peg my man to work out my aggression, I peg him because the prostate is a wondrous thing. I can't swim with the hardcore kinksters. Is there a pond for vanilla fishes like me?

Pegging Is For Everyone

"Pegging in most porn is festooned with stereotypes of shame and pain, like most sex in mainstream porn," says Violet. "And unfortunately, these stereotypes have seeped into online sex culture.

"But you don't have to be Mistress Asscrusher and he doesn't have to answer to Worthless Buttslut in order to enjoy strap-on sex. Like I explain in my book, most couples who peg do it because it's fun, intimate, new, exciting, and quite loving. PIFE need not feel isolated. She should start a forum of her own, on a space like Tribe.net, and she'll be pleasantly surprised at how welcome and happy she'll make the many women like herself feel."

Violet Blue blogs at www.tinynibbles.com. Jesus Christ blogs at jesuschristscoolblog.blogspot.com.

mail@savagelove.net

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1
I am having some of the same concerns. I am dating the love of my life. However recently I came home to find that he had used my dildo.he explained it as him experimenting, however he ended up using it a second time. In a later conversation he admitted he liked it. Sometimes while we are having phone sex he brings up fantasies that include me pegging him, and sometimes of another man. I am confused. Is he bi, is he just young and not had a lot of chances to experiment with his body? I realize him liking anal does not make him gay, but where does that leave me?
Posted by confused on September 19, 2008 at 8:36 PM · Report
2
Confused:
This is where it leaves you:
The love of your life likes stuff up, in, and around his ass. Understandably so.
And as you like things up in and around your pussy and surely ask for things to fill just those needs, he is simply exercising a similar, though less typical and socially acceptable, desire. If you love him, then love him up with understanding and mutual exploration.
The bit where he is hiding stuff (maybe?) from you is the part to be concerned about. But we all know what best solves that: some good old fashioned honest dialogue. "Are you bi? Have you explored your ass before? How do you feel about all of this?"
Just think, you might discover the joys of your boyfriend's asshole too.
Posted by Me on October 9, 2008 at 3:36 AM · Report
3
Hi I have a straight guy friend who gets aroused by hot guys. He loves his girlfriend a lot. Is this a disease or is he a bisexual?
Posted by confused on January 8, 2009 at 6:53 AM · Report
4
Hey, I used to hate it when I had a man doctor and he gave me the digital prostrate exam. But I have a woman doc now and that exam is even pleasureable.
Posted by jorge on March 7, 2009 at 5:40 PM · Report
5
All sex with my lover ended. I think it's because he doesn't see me as the type of person that wants to explore his needs. He and I still see eachother regularly (but no sex)and I am extremely attracted to him. He introduced me to this column, he constantly mentions being "probed", "greek", and basically having things shoved up his ass. I have always been an extremely sexual person, with the desire to branch out and try new things. Problem is my boyfriends have all been so vanilla- up until now. I find myself masturbating to the thought of pegging him. I even bought a vibrator for him...problem is our communication- besides casually discussing anal relating to other people- is nill. I feel extremely comfortable with him and now I am borderline obsessed with the thought of fucking him. When we were fucking- and I put my best finger forward (into his ass he referred to it as dirty. After the first time I fingered his ass he mentioned wanted more up in him and I cracked a joke- not realizing he was serious. So, to make up for it I tried to incorporate the finger into the ass each time we were in bed. Problem with that- I was inexperienced and was trying to wing it and I'm pretty sure I hurt him (nails, pulling out too fast. It was all new to me. We've since- rather he's ended all sexual contact. Now that I've read up on it I think I know the technical ins and outs...Now that I'm ready, willing and turned on he seems uninterested in me sexually and I wouldn't blame him if he was scared me putting anything near his ass after last time. He just introduced me to Savage Love- the pegging articles in paticular. Just the other day he quoted Dan Savage saying "every guy should be pegged at least once". Now it's all I can think about. I feel like that was my chance to tell him I want to fuck him but instead I froze. Because of our situation I'm not sure I can say- "Did you remember to bring the sun block- and oh yeah, when we get back to my place I'm going to lube up my strap on and fuck you."
Any suggestions on how I can not jeapardize our friendship and still relay that I want to fuck him?
And...do you think it's possible for a man that wants to be dominated by a woman to switch it up and take the lead? Just as much as I want to throw him down and take control I'd love it if he would order me around, spank me and somewhat humiliate me. Have you heard of many relationships where partners take turns?
More...
Posted by opentoit on June 27, 2009 at 12:05 PM · Report
6
I like how you called him/her (your angel) Worthless Buttslut...I have one too. I enjoy him to the fullest extent. I have a four, six, 8"twins, and a 12" plus a "Bob" penis and butt only that I use. While I'm penetrating his ass I keep him quite while he's sucking all or whose ever he wants. I take him to his own ManWhore Kingdom of his own will and desire. I've now begun to tighten his neck while fucking him watching him suck. He's hooked, always asking me to fuck him. He tells me his ass is wet, ready, and contracting. I treat him like a sweet little girl, say sweet nothings to him, and regard him as my beautiful queen with the most beautiful long legs I've ever seen. I love to open him up like my beautiful butterfly spreading his wings and letting me fly. I grab his ankles, suck his nimples, choke his neck and watch him turn into my swwwweeeet little bitch.
Posted by sooointou on July 7, 2009 at 10:23 AM · Report
7
Reading all of these stories about women straping it on for their men makes me jealous! About three years ago I brought up the subject of just anal digitation: she does me since I really like anal stimulation. She was grossed out to say the least. And this from a nurse of ten years. Then about six months ago she walked in on me while I was masturbating with my anal vibe/dildo. She was angry; I was embarrased. We talked about it for awhile and the decision was to give it (anal stimulation) some time and distance and she would "enjoy" sharing my experience. I bought some lake front property in Kansas! Yesterday I told her that she is off the hook; I will purchase another vibe/dildo so I can masturbate "occasionally." To make a long story short if you wish to experience anal sex as a heterosexual man with a woman be honest with her and bring it up. It is best to bring it out in the open than trying to hide it for 25 years like I did!
Posted by dengxioping on September 24, 2009 at 10:43 AM · Report
8
I began taking it in the ass as a virgin, from my very experienced, former escort girlfriend, now a recently qualified C.P.A. Some people would say that how it happened was a form of coercion, even rape, since I was manoevered into consenting to being tied up - completely immobilized - by the promise of a 3 some that morphed into a surprise series of peggings with different dildos and objects that went on for about 2 hours and included the appearance of a stranger, my girlfriend's female lover. I think it was rape and my girlfriend sees the fact that I stayed with her despite it as a sign of my devotion to her. She kept me as a virgin for the next year, although she and her girlfriend used me at will for performing oral sex on them and for 'exploring' me with larger dildos, broomsticks, bananas, etc. When I was finally able to take my girlfriend's entire hand in my ass during an HD video session, she allowed me, on my back, to fuck her and her girlfriend, as a birthday present, on my 21st birthday. I am going to have to earn more fucking as well as my first blowjob, by picking to do 2 things on my girlfriend's list, a list that includes a penis piercing, performing a blowjob to completion on a friend of hers, auditioning as a male stripper, taking it up the ass from a man or going out in public as a drag queen with her for an evening at a male strip club on ladies night. Her female lover says it doesn't matter what I pick to do, I'll be doing the whole list sooner or later. I don't know what to do.
Posted by harold on December 13, 2009 at 12:04 PM · Report
9
I LIKE IT UP THE ASS.
Posted by James Stephan Grady on July 16, 2010 at 10:27 PM · Report
10
I am an indian handsome man of 40 years. i need a female of 35 to 45 years old lady to share our sex experence. please contact

ards_ad @yahoo.com
Posted by samdhan on November 9, 2010 at 9:33 PM · Report

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