Savage Love Podcast
Check out the all new Savage Lovecast site!
Got a question for Dan Savage?
Call the Savage Love Podcast at 206-201-2720
or email Dan at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Savage Love Archives
Sluts and Such
Your Sister's Keeper
More from Dan Savage
SL Letter of the Day: LGBT&P?
Fox News: The Pope Doesn't Know Anything About Economics
Holiday Charity Challenge—Day Four! New Totals! New Prizes! Embedded Tweet!
SLLLOTD: Tenure Track
You Get a Hymen! You Get a Hymen! Everybody Gets a Hymen!
Books by Dan Savage
- American Savage
- It Gets Better: Coming Out, Overcoming Bullying, and Creating a Life Worth Living
- The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage, and My Family
- Things I've Learned from Women Who've Dumped Me
- Skipping Towards Gomorrah
- The Kid: What Happened After My Boyfriend and I Decided to Go Get Pregnant
Want a Second Opinion?
Contact Dan Savage
Fantasy vs. Reality
March 4, 1999
--Porn No More
If you live in a neighborhood with its fair share of inquisitive, restless, horny adolescents--and, really, who doesn't?--consider your garbage can a Pornography Recycling Center. Put your porn out early in the week, leave one mag visible on top of the pile, and in under 24 hours your entire collection will be "recycled." You can feel good about getting rid of your old porn this way: if it weren't for adults "carelessly" disposing of used porn, underprivileged kids who don't have access to the Internet would be deprived of jerk-off material. If you're embarrassed to leave porn in your garbage can, toss it in a neighbor's, or dump it in an alley near a high school.
However, you can get some cash for your trash: many adult bookstores buy used porn.
Taboo Video is the only place in Seattle that currently buys used porn, and according to James, Taboo's downtown-location manager, most of the guys who bring in their old porn are in your shoes, PNM. "They just got girlfriends who don't like them having porn around," James told me, "so they bring it in. We pay 10 percent of cover price for a magazine, and we do trade for old movies."
James thinks a lot of guys are too quick to break up their porn collections. He's seen guys who sold him their porn collections to pacify a new girlfriend back at Taboo a few months later, rebuilding their collection after breaking up with the girlfriend. "Then the guy doesn't have porn or a girlfriend," observed James. "Guys should think before they get rid of their porn. Is she worth it? Will this last? If you're not getting married, I'd say keep your porn."
I am a 36-year-old gay man. I recently dumped my lover of nearly a year because I caught him in a huge lie. It wasn't the lie that forced me to dump him, but his refusal to disclose his reasons for lying. I still love him, but this was not his first lie. Should I take him back? Or should I hold my ground?
The Lie: He failed to call me during the Christmas/New Year's holidays. He said he forgot his cell phone at his apartment in Switzerland. However, two days before Christmas, I called him on his cell phone and we chatted while he drove to his house in Germany. He also "forgot" to tell me he has a regular phone in his house in Germany.
My friends are glad I dumped my lover because of the way he's mistreated me: not calling, not coming to visit, making me fly 12,000 miles to see him, and not chatting online as frequently as we had when we first got together. I'm torn. My heart says take him back, my head says leave the lying bastard.
--My Lover is a Liar
Your lover is liar, and your lover's lover--that's you, chickpea--is apparently an idiot. For a 36-year-old fag, you're distressingly clue-proof. When a guy avoids your phone calls, refuses to give you his number, doesn't come to see you, and won't take time to chat (online or real-time), he's trying to tell you something: HE DOESN'T REALLY WANT TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND. He doesn't like you that much, he doesn't care for you, and he doesn't have the courtesy or cajones to dump you himself. So, by all means, dump your un-cut kraut boyfriend, but let's not kid ourselves here: dumping him is a formality. For all practical purposes, he's already dumped you.
Recently a couple with a child moved in next-door to my roommate and me (we're both women). Our dining room has a big bay window that faces the side of their house. After about a week, we realized that there wasn't a curtain on their bathroom window. We began a midnight ritual of watching the man shower. He knows we watch and seems to enjoy it. Recently, he began to masturbate in front of the window, obviously wanting us to watch him. We're not sure if we like this or not, but we still watch occasionally.
Now he waits until we get home to shower; and when we're outside, he's conveniently out there too, trying to make small talk.
Should we be concerned about this guy? Could he be a raving lunatic? Is this a common fantasy for men--being observed like this--or is there something wrong with him?
--Concerned in Wallingford
There's nothing wrong with your next-door neighbor, nor is he to blame for the awkward situation you and the roommate find yourselves in. Since you were peeping at him while he showered, he logically assumed you liked how he looked naked. When he escalated things--by masturbating--you kept right on peeping, and he came to the entirely logical conclusion that you and the roommate want to fuck his brains out. Why else would you be watching him shower and beat off?
You and your roommate made this mess--you teased this man with a fantasy that comes bundled with every hetero male's sexual hard drive: two women at once. You encouraged him, filled him with false hopes, and now you're just going to have to sleep with him. I'm sorry if that's harsh, but that's the way it is.
* * *
Many of you wrote in with advice for About to be Traditionally Wed, the dumb young woman about to marry a man her uncle warned her was gay. Here's a couple of your letters:
At 19, I married a guy that I thought I loved. I was pregnant at the time, and the marriage was nothing fancy. A year later, he announced he wanted to "experiment" with men. Believing his feelings weren't serious, I did not object. Had I objected, he would have done it anyway.
He and I are now divorced. I have a wonderful boyfriend now who gives me everything I need. And my ex? He is involved with another man and is VERY happy that way. I have some advice for this woman: RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. Take it from me, canceling wedding plans is less painful than telling people your husband left you for another man.
--Learned the Hard Way
If "About to be Traditionally Wed" won't listen to her gay uncle, perhaps she'll listen to a fellow hetero woman: I used to be engaged to a man who "experimented" with homosexuality and was "over it." I'm glad I caught him in bed with another man before I married him and not after. I'm especially happy I didn't compound my troubles by alienating the friends, gay and straight, who tried to tell me what a mistake I was making.
-- Been There, Did That