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The Girly Boy

October 25, 2007

By Dan Savage

I think my 5-year-old nephew is probably gay. Most of the reasons are superficial (he says that Zac Efron is cute), but I also have a hunch. If he is gay, it's cool by me. The problem is my brother also thinks his son might be gay and he is NOT cool with it. He's "nice" about it, but he has taken to prohibiting most of the things my nephew loves to do: putting on makeup, watching and dancing along to musicals with vampy women (like Chicago), playing dress-up. My nephew can tell that his dad thinks there is something shameful about his doing these things, but asks me in the most heartbreaking way if we can do those things when we're at my house and not tell his dad.

Question 1: Is it even possible to tell the sexual preference of a child so young?

Question 2: Is it wrong for me to indulge my nephew even though my brother (his parent) has told me that he doesn't want my nephew doing those things?

Auntie Mame

Answer 1: There's a 99 percent chance your nephew is gay and a 100 percent chance that your brother will one day regret his actions. He's emotionally abusing his son—and for what? Dress-up or no dress-up, if his son is gay then he's going to be gay. Your brother can't destroy his son's homosexuality, only his son's life.

Answer 2: Your nephew needs an adult in his life who loves him unconditionally and a space where he can express himself without fear. So tell him you love him, promise to keep his secrets, and tell him that his father loves him too and will come around one day. And yes, AM, lie to your brother. In the grand scheme of things your lies are a misdemeanor; the emotional violence he's inflicting on his son is a felony.

Answer 3: You didn't ask about an extra bedroom, but I wish you had. Someday—someday soon—your nephew is going to need a safe place to go when he starts running away from home. So put together a nice guest bedroom, someplace your nephew can hide when he's sick of his father and, with any luck, over Zac Efron.

My fiancé cheated on me and lied about it. Our phone bill proved that he had been calling this girl, but he denied it was anything important. Then the girl's friend told me he cheated, I confronted him, and he now admits it—though he says he's not really sure since he had been drinking. He doesn't remember it, he says, but supposes that it could have happened.

We are talking about going to counseling. But I find myself resenting him, not trusting him, and scared of having sex with him. Will I ever be able to stop hating him, ever be able to trust him, and ever be able to restart a sexual relationship with him? Sign me...

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?

Once a cheater, not always a cheater. But once a cheater, likelier to cheat than never a cheater.

But set the cheating issue aside, OACAAC. Are you seriously going to marry this guy? You caught your fiancé cheating and the best defense he can come up with is a drinking problem? Why are you still engaged to someone you can't trust, won't fuck, and feel nothing but hate for? DTMFA.

You've talked about guys masturbating with too firm a grip and doing damage. I'm 21, male, in good shape, and have been jerking off with a death grip since I was 10. Lately my cock has been failing me. I have trouble staying hard, especially when wearing a condom. I've heard that the death grip can decrease sensitivity and make it harder to come, but can it lead to impotence? Is this physical or am I just psyching myself out?

The Death Grip

I suspect you're psyching yourself out, TDG, allowing one or two failed performances to snowball into a self-fulfilling, boner-negating prophecy. And here's how to psych yourself back in: Stop masturbating with a death grip—immediately, right now, forever. Masturbate with a lighter touch, use more lube, and be strict with your dick: If you don't get off, you don't get off. Sooner or later your dick will, out of sheer desperation, learn to appreciate subtler sensations.

On the condom front: If you're putting the condom on right before penetration, as so many dudes do, you're going to experience a drop in sensitivity at the worst possible moment. Condoms are often cold when first applied, TDG, and we all know what cold does to boners. So put the condom on at least 10 minutes before intercourse. Treat the condom like it's part of the action, not an interruption, then continue to roll around, eat pussy, play with tits, stroke yourself, etc., while the latex comes up to body temperature. Then after you've checked to make sure it's still on, fuck her senseless.

And it wouldn't hurt to beat off wearing a condom now and then either, TDG.

I read the Smoking Gun story about the minister who died hogtied and rubberized, and these details from the police report puzzle me: "The hands are bound behind the back. The feet are tied to the hands. There are nylon ligatures holding these in place with leather straps...."

How common is it for people to tie themselves up this thoroughly without anyone else in the house?

Suddenly My Duct Tape Seems So Vanilla

Spend a little quality time on XTube, SMDTSSV, and you'll find numerous examples of people—well, men—engaged in elaborate self-bondage scenes. And seeing as the authorities in Montgomery, Alabama, would have preferred to pin Rev. Aldridge's death on gay ninja assassins and not on his secret kinks, I'm satisfied that Aldridge was alone.

But I'm glad you brought up Rev. Aldridge, SMDTSSV, because I want to amend something I wrote in last week's column: "When it comes to potentially dangerous kinks, you're better off—you're safer—being shameless," and indulging your kinks with lovers, buddies, and friends, "[because] the shameless don't just get to enjoy their kinks, they also get to survive them."

The day my column went to print I learned of the death of Adrian Exley, a shamelessly kinky Brit. Exley traveled to Boston to play with two other men, also shameless pervs. Unfortunately for Exley, the men were shamelessly stupid pervs. They left Exley—wrapped in plastic, bound with duct tape, hooded, with only a straw to breathe through—alone in a closet overnight, where Exley asphyxiated. One of the men, Gary LeBlanc, a 48-year-old Gulf Oil exec, took responsibility for Exley's death in a suicide note and then killed himself.

So I should have written, "The shameless don't just get to enjoy their kinks, they're LIKELIER to survive them."

Never leave a tied-up person alone, kids. It's deadly dumb. recommended

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1
Lots of little boys like to play dress up - and lots of little boys have fathers who have heart attacks when lovely bisexual teenage girls paint their son's nails at his request.

*innocent*

I disagree that 1) children's sexual orientations are so easy to spot at the age of five, when maybe they just notice that dresses are WAY prettier than fireman outfits and 2) we should be trying to guess children's sexual orientations that early on anyway.

Yes, support the child in every way possible. More little boys should watch musicals anyway. But please don't call it a sexual orientation when he's FIVE...
Posted by Niamh on April 15, 2009 at 3:06 AM · Report
2
RE: Aunt Mame,

Growing up my sister and I had a friend that lived across the street from us. We both knew he was a girly boy. Our Moms let us play together without restriction. My sister and I would come over with our dolls and my little ponies and play at his house. Especially when his Mom was home. When his father was home my friend would lead the play toward building with Legos. When he came over to our house, it was like he was in heaven with the combined wealth of girly things of two little girls.

The issues came when we became pre-teens and his Mom died after a long, painful battle with breast cancer. He was left alone with his father. My sister and I would be a supportive as possible. We were all preteens, who had no idea how to deal with depressed and suicidal friend, with identity issues. We did our best. All we could do was be there for him. We never told his father what we thought. Even to our detriment, we never told our parents of what was going on. (Our father thought my sister and I were secretly having sex, in-turn, with him).

We would just be there for him. When he ran away from home to our house down the street to have me make him a bowl of ramen noodle and hot chocolate. It just tasted better at our house.

When they moved away, as military families do, things got darker for my friend. He had a long battle with his father. Later, I don't know if liking men or that he just liked all things female was the issue in all this discord, but he decided to make the life change and became a woman.

My Mom told me and my sister about our friend's life change. She was rather dissappointed that we were not shocked at the scandal as she was.

I know he is living a happier life now. Just the amount of pain and suffering that went on was heart breaking. We lived in a difficult sitution where there is little or no support to bond forming. It makes a big difference in the health of someone who is having these questions about themselves to have people who they know love them for not matter what. Even if it is hiding the issue.

You are being there for your nephew and that's all that counts. If it is not a phase, he will come to a cross road where you being in his life may make a world of difference.
More...
Posted by tarkeyin_queen on December 16, 2009 at 1:21 PM · Report
SlimJimPoisson 3
Wow, what a moving and poignant story, TQ. Thanks for sharing.
Posted by SlimJimPoisson on November 10, 2011 at 7:07 AM · Report
4
Like the post above, I (female) also grew up with one younger sister. We lived next door to a "girly boy", his older sister, and their grandparents. They moved in when Mikey was 8, after being taken away from a crack-addicted mother. His sister was 10, my sister was 9, and I was 14; much older than them.
Regardless of age, we spent every day at each others' houses, even holidays, and knew each others' extended families quite well. I refer to them even now as my siblings.
The minute I met Mikey I knew he was gay. 100%. My younger sister knew the overall idea because of me but did not know specifics. At 14, I already had gay friends and understood the sensitivity; and so said nothing.
Years later, Mikey has said to me (I do not remember the conversation at all), that I changed the course of his life forever.
I guess, that when he was 12, he spoke to me in private. He told me that he had been being bullied in school; even had kids physically assaulting him. He asked me what "gay" meant (this was before the internet was accessible by everyone- 2000.) He says I told him:
"When a boy loves another boy or a girl loves another girl. And there is nothing wrong with it and nothing bad and nothing weird."
He said: "Then I think I am gay."
"Well, yeah, I know that." He says he was surprised and then just relaxed. People at school had been making fun of him, saying he was a girl.
"Do you feel like you are a girl? Like, inside, like you're in the wrong body?"
"No, I feel like a boy."
"Then you're a gay boy." Then we practiced punching and headbutting and he hit the bullies and they left him alone.
Besides that; at 16 he came out to everyone. My sister texted to tell me and I sent him a message asking why he didn't tell me; which is when he told me I was the first and only person he had come out to in 4 years. Later he told me the rest.
The reason his coming to me, he said, was because when I initially met him (I don't remember) I asked him if he was gay, and he didn't know what that meant so I dropped it. After, my sister, and my family, so fully accepted him he felt safest confiding in my acceptance and younger person knowledge.
When he told his grandparents, his grandma cried and his grandpa literally did not speak to him at all for 2 weeks. But they loved him. Soon after, his older sister was pregnant at 17, with a vanished baby daddy, living off of them. Now, Mikey is 20, at college, on his way to a nursing degree. His sister is 22; lives off her poor grandparents; has 2 children with no fathers, and works at CVS.
They were upset for all of two weeks when he said he was gay. He totally the favorite now.
I suppose my long point is, there can/will be far, far more disappointing things children will do (to their parents), than being gay. It may just take a while for the parents to see that. Meanwhile, they will need a loving, accepting confidant from as early in life as possible.
More...
Posted by wowzertrouzerz on February 20, 2013 at 6:27 AM · Report

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