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Risky Business

December 27, 2007

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Joe Newton

I'm a 28-year-old woman. In the past, I've been a control freak by day, sex freak by night—but just for one guy, my GGG boyfriend. Recently, I realized I'm a cuckold! Nothing gets me hotter than the thought of my boyfriend fucking somebody in front of me. The solution is to have threesomes. A bunch. My boyfriend feels like he died and went to heaven.

Here's the issue: The pill makes me psycho, a diaphragm was a disaster, and something about my anatomy snaps condoms. After much trial and error, I settled on an IUD—but my gyno made me swear a blood oath before she put it in that I wouldn't sleep around, because an IUD is a monogamist's device. If I catch a sexually transmitted infection (STI) now, Dan, it could fuck up my whole reproductive system.

We would, of course, ask potential thirds to get tested, but I don't want to feel like I'm gambling with my health when we do this. How do I get the edgy sex life I want?

Suddenly Kinky And Really Eager

The only way to get the edgy sex life you want, SKARE, is to accept that edgy sex lives involve a certain degree of risk. IUDs do not provide STI protection—nor do birth control pills, diaphragms, or having your tubes tied. And while condoms, when used correctly, offer excellent protection from the two scariest sexually transmitted infections out there—HIV and pregnancy—condoms only reduce your risk of acquiring gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia, HPV, herpes, and other STIs.

I'm sorry, SKARE, but there's no such thing as risk-free sex. Hell, there's no such thing as risk-free anything. Hamburgers, snowboarding, sex—all risky activities. Okay, class: A life without hamburgers, snowboarding, and sex is what? A life that's hardly worth living, Mr. Savage. So what do we do? We take reasonable steps to reduce our risks. We cook our burgers thoroughly (or, better yet, buy beef that isn't packed with hormones, antibiotics, and E. coli); we stay in designated ski areas and/or wear avalanche beacons; we try to be selective about our sex partners and use condoms when appropriate. And then, SKARE, we gamble.

So, SKARE, here's what you do: Accept that acting on your fantasies—your cuckquean fantasies (only men can be cuckolds)—involves risk. Then set about minimizing 'em. Be choosy about who you take to bed. (Someone you know, like, and trust? Yes. Amy Winehouse? No.) Use protection. (The boyfriend should use condoms with these other women.) And be vigilant about your health. (Regular checkups, STI screenings, pap smears, etc.)

And finally, SKARE, you have to accept that, even if you're doing everything "right," there's still a chance that you may contract an STI; perhaps something annoying but curable (gonorrhea, pregnancy), something incurable but bearable (herpes), or something incurable and devastating (HIV). If you can't handle the reality of contracting a sexually transmitted infection, SKARE, then you don't just have a monogamist's device in your twat, but a monogamist's twat in your pants.


I'm a twentysomething female and I've had a fair number of partners. My boyfriend of two years has only ever slept with me. Recently, we opened up our relationship because I have a much higher sex drive. It was good—I was happy; the boy wasn't jealous. And then something happened. Well, I caused something to happen. My boyfriend now has herpes. Obviously I've got it, too, even if I'm not showing any symptoms. We didn't prepare emotionally for the potential consequences of my actions. So here we are. He's angry with me for putting him in danger and I feel like getting hit by a bus. We know herpes is not so bad. We also know that these feelings of guilt, anger, and disgust will fade, but how do we get to that point?

Hating Every Revolting PestilentExecrable Second

You agreed as a couple to open your relationship up, HERPES, which makes him 50 percent responsible for the "danger" he was in. And if you neglected to talk through the potential negative consequences of an open relationship, HERPES, then you failed to do your due diligence—you both failed. So what do you do now? After giving each other a little time and space, HERPES, you ought to invest a little dough in a sex-positive couples' counselor. Find someone who can skillfully facilitate a couple of conversations about your relationship. One topic you might want to touch on: You could have picked the virus up from one of the partners you had before you met your current boyfriend.

As for the disease itself, you're right: It's not that bad. There are two herpes viruses: type 1 (HSV-1) and type 2 (HSV-2). They're both relatively easy to catch and they can both infect the mouth area or the genital area. It's estimated that 80 percent of adults have HSV-1 and 25 percent of adults have HSV-2. And most infected people don't know they have herpes because they've either never had an outbreak or their one-and-only outbreak was so mild they didn't notice it.

It sucks to have herpes, primarily due to the irrational fears of other people—people who may, for all they know, already have herpes themselves. But it's not the end of the world, or the end of your sex life, and it doesn't have to be the end of your relationship.


I'm a bi girl. My boyfriend feels that I can "be all things" to him and fulfill him completely, but he can't do the same for me. I truly feel that I could never be with a girl. I would always long for that masculine/feminine balance. Girls are lovely and sweet, but a girl just wouldn't make me feel the ways a boy does.

What can I do to make him see that he fulfills me in every way? We have discussed it endlessly, but his worries and insecurities won't budge.

Sad Girl

Of course he'll never fulfill you completely, SG, just as you'll never fulfill him completely. No one person can "be all things" to another person. The most we can hope for is finding someone who comes close enough, SG, someone we can round up to "complete fulfillment" status with a straight face, someone who can do the same for us.

So your boyfriend is either being naive with this "I can't be all things to you" crap or—and this seems more likely—he's being a fuckstick. Ask yourself this, SG: What does your boyfriend get by extending this conversation endlessly? Here's what: By pretending to feel insecure, your boyfriend gets a girlfriend who actually feels insecure. He gets a girlfriend who feels like she's always on probation, a girlfriend who is always at an emotional disadvantage. And then he gets to point to your flaw—bisexuality—as an excuse to never wholly commit to you.

You do realize, SG, that your bisexuality is not a flaw—far from it—and that there are tons of boys out there who would be ecfuckingstatic to trade places with your boyfriend. You might wanna let one. recommended


Download Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.

mail@savagelove.net

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1
"I'm a bi girl. My boyfriend feels that I can "be all things" to him and fulfill him completely, but he can't do the same for me. I truly feel that I could never be with a girl. I would always long for that masculine/feminine balance. Girls are lovely and sweet, but a girl just wouldn't make me feel the ways a boy does."

Do I need to look up "bisexuality" again or something? If you couldn't ever be with a girl... you're not bi... right?
Posted by Sylvie on April 14, 2009 at 3:05 PM · Report this
2
I think she meant she could not "just" be with a girl, whereas she could be with a man full time.
Posted by anonii on August 21, 2009 at 10:20 PM · Report this
3
Just because she's sexually attracted to women doesn't mean she could be sexually fulfilled with only a female partner. Perhaps she can be fulfilled with a single male partner, but a woman isn't enough for her.

Not all bisexual people are attracted to both sexes equally, and sexual attraction doesn't completely sum up sexual desire.
Posted by mad scientist on October 31, 2009 at 2:45 AM · Report this
4
Completely true. I'm crazy about women and think about them during every sexual encounter regardless of the sex I'm having. But my relationships with women never last more than six weeks or so (except when I dated a couple for 7 months). There is something missing emotionally in my connection with these hot women. But that doesn't mean that guys are enough sexually either. I can never get off thinking about a guy. So I date guys, think of women, and end up perfectly happy.
Posted by Extuno on December 29, 2010 at 6:59 PM · Report this
SlimJimPoisson 5
Maybe I am missing something or maybe something was edited out of the original letter, but I don't understand SKARE's problem. They invite another woman into their bedroom and she seems to be worried about condoms and birth control. Last time I heard two women having sex would have little use for condoms and less use for birth control, but these are turbulent times so things may be different now.

Maybe she is worried about sharing the BF's dick, but he could use condoms with the OW and nothing with her. If she is just worried about BC with her BF then the 3-way part of the story is superfluous.
Posted by SlimJimPoisson on November 10, 2011 at 7:01 PM · Report this
6
Aw come on, Slim Jim! She says "Nothing gets me hotter than the thought of my boyfriend fucking SOMEBODY in front of me." It isn't specified whether the sombody has testicles or ovaries.
Posted by Biev on January 7, 2013 at 7:35 AM · Report this
chloe1023 7
http://www.STDMatching.com is a fantastic site for single people who live with Herpes, HPV, HIV or AIDS and are looking for love, friendship or companionship. Positive Singles provides all users with the best chance to meet up with other individuals who live with similar problems in a non-judgmental, non-discriminatory environment where everyone involved can be comfortable to be themselves, allowing all users to feel completely at home with the process of dating online.
Posted by chloe1023 http://www.Hsoulmate.com on August 4, 2013 at 7:32 PM · Report this

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