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Joe Newton

I'm 19, female, bi, and have been with the same guy for a year. Things are great. I came home for Christmas and he went to his parents' house, and I'll see him in a few weeks. For Christmas, my mom got me some typical "mom" gifts—socks and underwear—but the panties had Disney princesses on them. I feel like a pedophile just owning them! I get it: She doesn't like the idea that I might be having sex, especially with the alarming rate that babies are popping out of teenage girls—but, come on.

Even if Mom was trying to send you a coded message—and I am not convinced that was her intent—you can turn the lemons of your mother's disapproval into the lemonade of a good, safe, responsible sex life. So Mom is not happy about her daughter being sexually active—that's too bad for Mom, right? Show Mom that her fears were misplaced by making sure you don't get your 19-year-old ass knocked up or knocked around.

As for feeling like a pedophile, HB, there's nothing pedo about a 19-year-old bi chick in Disney-princess underpants. A little girl in those panties is innocent and darling. A sexually active 19-year-old in those panties is ironic and daring. (A quick poll of straight men—or man, as the sample size was small—also revealed that 100 percent consider 19-year-old bisexual girls in Disney panties "sexy as fucking hell.") So when your boyfriend eats your pussy through a pair of your new Disney underpants—when he filters your vaginal secretions through an image of Jasmine or Ariel or Belle—he will not only be helping you assert your right to sexual fulfillment despite your mother's disapproval, HB, but helping you deconstruct a patriarchal heteronormative discourse that reifies female purity and holds up female undergarments as moral status markers. And when he services your clit, HB, the boyfriend will also be servicing those princesses. His efforts will transform them into the fully sexual beings their corporate creators never intended them to be.

To think your boyfriend can accomplish all of that—and strike a blow against repressive monarchical systems, too—just by eating your pussy while you wear your new panties, HB! And all you have to do is lie back, pull the stick out of your ass, and enjoy.

I realize Savage Love is a sex-advice column (as evidenced by much vulgar language), but I'm going to ask anyway.

(1) What is your definition of love?

(2) How do you know if you're in "love"?

(3) How do you know if they're the "one"?

(1) Love is making out with someone after you've blown a load on his/her face.

(2) You know you're in love when you're eating breakfast in a restaurant together the morning after he/she blew a load on your face and you suddenly realize that you didn't wash your face when you got out of bed that morning and you don't care.

(3) You know he/she is the one when he/she realizes that you've just realized that you're eating breakfast in a restaurant the morning after he/she blew a load on your face and you didn't wash your face when you got out of bed that morning and he/she smiles, leans over the table, and gives you a kiss.

I am a 27-year-old straight male. My girlfriend and I are getting serious, but one issue literally causes me to lose sleep and it is starting to become destructive to our relationship.

I have always been paranoid regarding the size of my penis. I know from research that, when erect, I am just slightly to the left of the bell-curve peak. I thought I had learned to accept this. My renewed feeling of insecurity stems from a comment my girlfriend made in an attempt to offer me some reassurance about the size of my genitalia: My girlfriend observed that it sometimes hurts when a penis is "really huge." She then let it slip that her ex-boyfriend of five years was famous in their high school due to "locker-room gossip." I remember from high school that the only boys who were the subject of locker-room gossip were the ones carrying around a third leg. Further buttressing my fears, my girlfriend confessed that the only time her ex-boyfriend's penis hurt her was after having three or more encounters in a single day. On a separate note, my girlfriend likes really hard sex. I have had sex with over 30 women and I have never run into a girl who likes sex as hard as she does. Admittedly, I like this aspect. Unfortunately, I fear that I am not satisfying her due to her having once been accustomed to being roughly used by a man with a very large penis.

I have more information that I believe contributes to my feeling that she wants a larger penis, but I would like to keep this reasonably short. But my final thoughts are these: She says she is having the best sex of her life with me. I see two possible explanations for this assertion: (1) She is telling the truth and is having the best sex of her life with me; or (2) she is not satisfied and is lying to me and eventually our relationship will break down due to her lack of sexual satisfaction.

I seek is your blunt, objective opinion, however harsh.

Oh my God, LIMP, shut up. Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP. I cut your letter by four-fifths and it's still fucking interminable. If you've managed to land a girlfriend who can put up with your florid rhetorical style—you don't by chance own a comic-book shop in Springfield, do you?—you should count your blessings and suck up the angst about the size of your dick.

I'm sorry, LIMP, but if your girlfriend's assurances about the quality of your sex life and her preference for average-size cock isn't enough to set you at ease, nothing I can say in this space is going to do the trick. I'm familiar with dudes like you—insecure bags of slop always harping away about the size of their dicks—and there's just no debuttressing your fears. Even if your girlfriend was a virgin when you met and yours was the only dick she'd ever laid thighs on, LIMP, you would still be paranoid. You would send me letters insisting that your girlfriend could never truly be satisfied with you, having never experienced the substantially more girthsome appendages of males lucky enough to be more impressively endowed blah blah blah.

Stop obsessing about your dick, LIMP. Just stop. Your dick is your dick and obsessing about size only makes you miserable. And verbose. If size were all that mattered, Ron Jeremy would be People's "Sexiest Man Alive" every fucking year instead of, you know, those mouse-dicked motherfuckers George Clooney and Matt Damon and Brad Pitt. If knowing your girlfriend used to be with a guy who had a huge dick—with him three or four times a day, for five long, pussy-punishing years—is more than your fragile ego can handle, do your girlfriend a favor and dump her now.

Download Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.

mail@savagelove.net

Savage Love Extra

Tuesday 15, 2008

Good one, Dan. I went through a period of small-dick insecurity myself and soon realized not only that it (the insecurity) was ridiculous, but that obsessing about it is nothing but narcissism. Small-dick obsession means, "Let's all look at my dick. Either you tell me you love it or you tell me it's not enough, but in any case, at least we're all looking at my dick!"

Looking At My Prick

•••

I am a gay man who has had my share of sex. I can pretty honestly say that I have experienced some fat dicks, some long dicks, and some big and fat dicks. I can also pretty honestly say that I have had some mind-blowing, dehydrating, lost-weekend sex. What I can't honestly say is that a big, fat dick guaranteed great sex.

Those big dicks don't always get hard. Those big dicks are often attached to big dicks who think that having a big dick makes them good in bed. Not true.

Mind-blowing sex happens when a guy knows how to use the equipment he has, big or small. A good carpenter doesn't blame the tools!

I've Had A Few Hammers

.•••

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your kick in the ass to LIMP. I've had lots of great sex with men on all ends of the penile spectrum, but the only encounter where size was a turnoff was my first boyfriend (yes, I was a complete virgin when we first met, and he still went on and on about "not being able to satisfy me like another man could"). He was so paranoid that following our breakup, when he found out I was seeing another man, his first reaction was, "Is he bigger than I am?" Yes, he was—but what I liked about him was the fact that he was confident about his body, and that he spent his time in bed not whining, but fucking me.

Many women really don't think size matters; some say that it does. But nobody wants to listen to you be emo about your tiny wang. Get the fuck over it.

KD

•••

LIMP's poor girlfriend is busy trying to stroke his ego and make him feel better about himself now, but it will get old and sooner or later she will leave his insecure, whining, dick-obsessed crybaby ass. Guys who think that much about their own friggin' cocks don't have enough time to think about anything else and end up with girlfriends with pathetically neglected clits. Guys with bigger dicks are often better in the sack, not because they actually have bigger dicks, but because they think about other things than their dicks.

Thanks Dan!

Rebecca

•••

I am a straight male with an above-average-size cock on the thick side and, oh, how I sometimes yearn for a thinner cock. Because...

(a) I was a virgin until I was 20 because every girl I tried to enter couldn't fit me!

(b) I never get to have anal sex. Because of this, it's something of a hang-up for me, and has driven wedges between me and girlfriends in the past. I think I'm coming to terms with it now, but it's taken a looooong time and many years of singledom when I've wished I was less well endowed.

So, there's always a silver lining. Mine is that I've got a big 'un! His is that he can put it places that others won't go.

Thicker Than Most

•••

In response to LIMP's insecurities: If his girlfriend likes it rough, she prefers a shorter stick, because she gets more stimulation around her lips and clit from his body as he fucks her. A more well-endowed man might never bump his body against the labia and clit because the end of his dick hits a cervix wall first (ouch). Plus, LIMP probably gets more head, because it's less work for her.

I've been with nine guys, and the smallest was the best and most fun (least painful) to go down on.

Good Things Cum In Small Packages

•••

So this isn't in response to LIMP who seems to be a fucktard, but to any decent het men who are dating women who just want it HUGE from time to time. Buy a strap-on with a big dildo already! I had a fag friend who was dating an insatiable slut, so after fucking him for as long as he could, he would come and then strap it on and keep pounding away. If he could do it, so can you. Just work on getting your ego out of your dick.

Dyke in SF

•••

I have seen a hell of a lot of dicks over the years. One time, I was seeing this guy who was reluctant to undress. I'd been vaguely baffled not to find the usual bulge when I rubbed the crotch of his jeans, but I figured he was just oddly adjusted. When the moment finally came, he revealed the smallest genitalia I've seen on an adult man. We aren't talking slightly to the left on the bell curve; we are talking trial-size candy bar. I took it calmly and went about my business. He turned out to be a world-class, hall-of-fame-quality lover. We are talking top five out of well over a hundred. Seriously, dude, and I like it rough. It's not size that matters; it's what you do with it. Get over yourself, LIMP.

Hope That Helps

•••

I didn't think much of your response to LIMP, Dan. He may not be the most likable guy, but he obviously has a serious anxiety problem, one that is keeping him up at night and is ruining his relationship. He needs to work through and challenge the thoughts that are causing him so much trouble. He needs to stop cross-examining his girlfriend who "let it slip" that she was once with a bigger man. Ridiculing LIMP and telling him to stop obsessing is not going to be helpful. It's a good thing you're not a suicide hotline counselor ("Oh my god! Shut up, just shut up! It's all 'me, me, me' with you people!").

Anonymous

•••

Yeah, LIMP's writing style sucks. But, he's got a point: I'm 7 1/2" long by 6 1/2" around. I've been in love twice in my life. Both times, the woman has told me point-blank, "You're too small to make me happy." I tried everything with both of them—vibrators, plugs, strap-ons, and almost every type of GGG effort you can imagine—to get around the problem, but in the end, they both left (and both by letting me catch them fucking somebody else, too). This did a grade-A mindfuck on me for about two years. So, it's kinda shitty of you to ride LIMP so hard—there are a lot of paranoid guys out there, with lots of legitimate reasons for being that way.

What you should have said to LIMP: You don't have a penis problem; you've got a trust problem. If you believe her, then stop whining and accept it when she tells you that she's having the best sex of her life. If you don't believe her (and it's pretty obvious he doesn't since he wrote to you in the first place), then cowboy up, accept that this type of woman will never be happy with you, and get the hell out.

I wound up in the second category both times, but didn't have the balls to get out. I was always the "Nice Guy" stereotype, and thought too much of people. The problem is, most of us Nice Guys (and I'd bet LIMP is one) are attracted to Wild Things and, unfortunately, Wild Things don't get turned on by any guy (and certainly won't be with him long-term) unless he's a Bad Boy that she can "save."

LIMP has two options if he bails on this relationship: (1) Learn to be a Bad Boy (which is harder than it sounds), and you'll start picking up and keeping Wild Things (and stop writing like William Faulkner on a three-day bender, will ya?); or (2) Learn to be happy with a different type of woman (by realizing that "crazy" does not equate to "beautiful"). I tried both, but in the end, I could only live with the second option.

Never Again Shall I Be Used

•••

You missed one thing in your response. As a man who possesses a very large and thick penis, I have to be very careful and conscious about how I fuck a woman. The fact of the matter is that someone who is averagely endowed has more freedom in the act; women aren't asking guys with giant dicks to pound them because of the discomfort. We are forced by experience and knowledge to be very gentle except when we encounter women with unusually large vaginas. Imagine, the embarrassment when you get naked with a woman and she won't have sex because she is afraid of your dick (one look and NO). First time was when I was 19 years old.

Too Much Of A Wood Thing

•••

Hear, hear, Dan! I can't tell you how goddamn annoying it is to hear guys lamenting the size of their units. LIMP needs to shut the hell up and learn to use what he's got. And it's true, bigger isn't always better. As a matter of fact, thick dicks hurt tight pussies, and long dicks bash cervices at unpleasant moments. Not to mention that the only times I personally have entertained anal sex is with guys who do not have monster cocks (I didn't mention that to them directly though). I don't know why guys have this crazy notion that women all want guys who are hung like Holmes. I had one magnum-sized lover, and it took forever to have sex because we had to use an entire tube of lube and negotiate angles just to get off. I dumped him after three weeks because while the finale was great, the getting there could take hours and I just didn't have that kind of patience. So to LIMP and those of his ilk, quit whining! You obviously have no idea what makes a good penis, or a good lover. When she says she's having the best sex of her life, she probably means it.

Quit Your Bitchin'!