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Ken and Ben
September 2, 2010
Tools
Here's my problem: I love women. The way they look, move, and sound. But the idea of actually interacting with women absolutely fucking terrifies me. I'm a virgin at 30. I've never had a girlfriend. I've never been on a date. I've never even had a conversation with a woman that lasted longer than a couple of minutes.
I cannot even imagine approaching a woman and asking her out on a date. And no woman has ever even shown interest from what I could tell. Sex workers are out of the question because I don't want to risk some asshole cop busting me. Webcam sites are pretty much the only way I interact with women. Got a piece of advice for me?
Awkward And Alone
I've actually got two pieces of advice for you, AAA.
First piece: Get your ass to a shrink—maybe a lady shrink—who can help you with your near-crippling sexual anxiety and maybe toss some meds your way.
Second piece: Hire a fucking sex worker, AAA—just don't fuck her. Paid companionship is not a crime—there's nothing illegal about paying an escort to escort you places. Rent a nice woman and have a nice conversation. If you like her, make another appointment, have another conversation. Cops—asshole or otherwise—only bust men when they offer money in exchange for sex, AAA, so don't offer money for sex, or accept her offer to have money for sex, and you won't get busted. And cops working undercover to bust johns don't make follow-up appointments or build ongoing relationships with clients. So if a woman sees you more than once—or twice, to be extra safe—she's not a cop.
Is everyone in the Republican Party a closeted homosexual?
Ken Mehlman's Out Now
Everyone except Ken Mehlman and Ben Quayle.
I am a straight and, dare I say it, vanilla woman who met a straight man who somewhat reminds me of Clark Kent. He's mild-mannered, good-looking, an all-around great guy, just like Clark Kent—and just like Superman, he likes to wear tights. It ends up that he likes to be dominated, spanked, and buttfucked—and crossdress. Our sexual encounters are a bit different for me, to say the least, but I like spanking him, humiliating him, tying him up, and watching him try on panties (in which he looks darn good!). It's all rather exciting!
Does this mean that I'm a dominatrix? Would I act this way with other men, or is it just him? And finally, where do I go from here?
Being Deviant Satisfies Me
A dominatrix? That's a professional title, BDSM, and you're not planning to pursue a career in kink. To determine if you're genuinely and independently kinky and not just getting off on beating and binding the boyfriend because he gets off on it, you'll just have to beat and bind someone else sometime. As for where you go from here, BDSM, if you're in San Francisco or you can get there for a weekend, you might wanna sign up for Forte Femme, a weekend-long "sensual dominance intensive" hosted by kink superstar/supernova Midori. More info at www.fortefemme.com.
I'm a GGG 38-year-old single woman, longtime reader, first-time writer.
1. What is a cream pie?
2. Do you find it weird to be turned on by getting fondled up and aroused into sex while sleeping? I have a hard time communicating to partners that I want this! Can you give communication assistance so I don't sound so freaky?
Freak In Phoenix
1. Google "cream pie." The first three results are relevant; the fourth ("Banana Cream Pie: Recipe") is not.
2. Your kink, FIP, barely moves the needle on my kink-o-meter. If you're having a hard time communicating your interest in fondled-while-asleep sex, just memorize this: "I enjoy getting fondled up while sleeping."
Poopnoodle. I heard this word for the first time today. I was told that a poopnoodle is what happens when you pee right after fucking someone hard in the ass. Poop gets stuck up in the dick hole and comes out in the form of a noodle when you piss. Is this something that actually happens, and if so, can you deem "poopnoodle" the official Savage Love term?
Couldn't Think Of An Acronym That Spelled Out "Poopnoodle"
If what you describe had ever actually happened to anyone, anywhere, ever, "poopnoodle" could be the official Savage Love term for it. But the poopnoodle never actually happens.
If your middle-school friends don't believe me, CTOAATSOP, here's what you should do: Go get a couple tubs of premade chocolate frosting. Refrigerate until firm. Get your dicks hard. Fuck your tubs of premade frosting. Fuck them hard. Fuck them like they've been bad. Then go take a piss. You will not produce a chocolatefrostingnoodle. I promise you.
And think about it, CTOAATSOP: Butt-fuckers fuck butt until they come. Wouldn't coming dislodge the poopnoodle?
Finally, some general advice for anyone out there who's interested in anal but now, thanks to CTOAATSOP here, fears the poopnoodle: Wear a condom. A condom can protect you from the fictional poopnoodle and the actual HIV.
I am disturbd by naked pic bribing you admittd & encouraged in yr last column. It reveals yr favoritism & yr corruptd nature! You dont need critics to discredit yr "advice." you done it yrslf. You are Mr Sanctimoney!
509
I am disturbd by yr splling.
But I cannot tell a lie: Enclosing a nude pic—good nude, bad nude, boy nude, girl nude—does get my attention. It won't automatically get a letter into the column, however. I could run nothing but letters from readers who enclosed pics, week-in, week-out, 52 weeks a year. But the letter from the guy in his early 30s who lost his virginity that appeared in last week's column—the dude who enclosed pics—was the first letter from a pic-encloser that I've used in ages. So cut me some slack.
That said, the odd pic or two—doesn't even have to be you—brightens the day and lightens the workload. So pics are always welcome.
And if you don't like it, 509, I suppose you could file charges with the professional body that governs my so-called profession... if there were a professional body that governed my so-called profession. But there isn't, poopnoodle, so suck it, take pics, and send 'em in.
Perhaps Dan's selections are an expression of some job frustration? I speculate that most of the questions Dan receives are idiotic and/or depressing, so grouping a selection of them in one column lets us see the kind of stupidity and pathos he has to wade (or slog) through.
Chin up, Dan! Your job is still more fun than most.
5
If an undercover cop, posing as an escort, is hired and no sex is involved, where does the money end up going? Does the undercover cop get to keep it? Does it go back to the person who paid it? To the police coffers? The escort agency?
1. Google it
2. Say it.
Done and done.
OMG, poopnoodle!
http://fasttimesinpalestine.wordpress.co…
http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/…
Not every guy who's a 30-year-old, awkward, gf-less virgin has Asperger's Syndrome....but some do. The results may help you understand yourself in ways you don't right now. Also, listen to Dan's advice - he's absolutely right.
12
poopnoodle- i do not underatnd you dumbshit kids these days
AAA- do you have normal conversations with guys? could be you are gay. test the theory, embrace homosexuality just for a bit, it might be the right fit for you.
FIP- go to a frat party, find a bed, have a nap. you'll have a gang-fondle in no time flat
fondling- ooh yeah!
13
poopnoodle- i do not understand you dumbshit kids these days
AAA- do you have normal conversations with guys? could be you are gay. test the theory, embrace homosexuality just for a bit, it might be the right fit for you.
FIP- go to a frat party, find a bed, have a nap. you'll have a gang-fondle in no time flat
fondling- ooh yeah!
Keep it up! The bing bang boom style will keep me coming back :)
Here's a really good link on what a cream pie is.
http://lmgtfy.com/?q=cream+pie
Fear it! Fear the poopnoodle!
Now I gotta figure out how to work fucking a tub of frosting into said novella.
This is one of the main reasons why pot remains illegal.
24
Also, I can think of nothing hotter than fondling someone out of slumber. Say it out loud & odds are your SO will be thrilled to have a green light.
Finally: A condom can protect you from the fictional poopnoodle and the actual HIV...brilliant!
however, #19's comment did make me LOL.
Dan's advice about seeing a shrink, sadly, is probably correct - although there's a limit to what medications can do in place of self-confidence. Otherwise, I think @14 has it right; AAA needs to do this the hard way. I've found it much easier to ask for dating advice from female friends; just make sure they're not going to gossip to all of their friends about the 30-year-old virgin they know.
I have to say that I find dating as a goal-oriented activity to be a horrendous bore, but having good friends who sometimes turn into love interests is not.
Then, this morning, the morning wood did not go to waste!
Are you a "dominatrix" as such?
No.
You're just one guy's dream come true apparently ;-) (Well done, and enjoy your adventurous action together!)
The same might hold true (probably for less money) if you have a no-possibility-of-going-anywhere female friend (lesbian, happily married, whatever). Aspies in particular can be freaked out or upset by a completely "new" situation, so a low-pressure dress rehearsal, especially with someone willing to (gently) critique you afterward, can be invaluable.
Also, when you do feel ready for the real thing, you might try dating someone of a geekish persuasion. Even if she is not herself an Aspie, she's probably used to dealing with them (there is a significant overlap between sets), so she's less likely to be upset or freak out or otherwise reject you if you're a little awkward. Standard be-an-interesting-person advice applies, of course, but geeks often have somewhat different standards of "interesting", too.
You have to start by having conversations with women. This is NOT just a sex thing. This is a life thing. This could be a career thing. You've got to be able to talk to women because they're half the world.
Before you look into paying an escort, I'd actually try having conversations with women. Not picking up girls -- talk to your co-workers. Talk to your friends' girlfriends.
(If indeed it's "talking to women" that's your problem. From your letter I wasn't sure if you were exaggerating and you just freeze up when you see a woman you might be interested in. If it's that, then I guess do what I did -- screw up your courage, say some ridiculous thing, learn to do better next time. I actually asked the same guy out three times and the third time was the start of an incredible relationship. So mistakes really are the portals of discovery.)
33
But not once have I ever considered that anything but vanilla. I always thought it was sort of de rigueur - whoever woke up first got the party rolling.
Police stings don't work that way. The person responding to an ad for an escort (be it on CL, BackPage, etc.) is arrested generally upon arrival at the meeting location, as the ads are generally explicit enough that LE can charge you for even responding to the ad in person.
Stings involving street prostitutes work differently, in that the undercover police officer will absolutely not get in the John's vehicle, ever. Generally they obtain PC by repeatedly asking you "What do you want to do?" and "How much do you have?".
35
38
If you wish to seek out a escort, Get a membership in a escort review board that reviews escorts. And pick one that has great reviews and a proven and reasonably long track record. It's well worth the $50 bucks or so to sign up.
Escorts that have proven track records are definityly not cops and are great providers, pleasant fun and give great sex
41
can get it into a dictionary.
44
The fourth result I got was hilarious:
"Overbeating may cause cream pie to separate"
*snicker*
This guy does not sound like he's got Aspergers at all, particularly since it's only women that he's anxious about. He doesn't say any of the stuff that makes Aspergers special (such as he can't figure out how to identify what emotions other people are feeling). His complaint is not that he can't understand people, it's that he's terrified to be in the same room as women.
There's nothing in this letter to indicate Aspergers. It sounds more like a whole lot of anxiety, which is severely impacting his life, and is certainly cause to go see a shrink.
he's been seeing a therapist and recently learned a simple meditation, both of which help, especially with confidence. I have hopes he will emerge from this a happy, loving sexual being. Recommending therapy, Dan, is right on; "practice-dating" a sexworker is also a great idea.
While his "complaint" only addressed his problem with women, he is writing to a sex advice columnist - for advice about sex. I'm guessing most people who write to Dan wouldn't be asking for advice about stimming, meltdowns, problems managing eye contact, etc., so I wouldn't expect to see that level of detail in a question to Dan.
Look, if you'd like to read a ton of posts that sound astonishingly similar to AAAs, take a swing by the Wrong Planet website (online community for people on the spectrum). The "Love and Dating" forum is crammed with them.
@49, up to 40% of men diagnosed as "love shy" actually have Asperger's Syndrome. I have no idea about your friend, or about his therapist's level of knowledge on the subject. I'd encourage him to take the test. Depending on his AQ, he may want to get himself to a teaching hospital for an accurate diagnosis. Good luck.
#33, this is so off topic but Amy Tan's Hundred Secret Senses employed the alarm cock phrase too and I have loved it ever since then. I haven't read any of her books since high school... thanks for bringing her to mind. x)
But conversationally? They have minds, just like yours. Well, not like yours. Better than yours. Yours is full of stupid thoughts like "I can't talk to women".
57
really wouldn't have it any other way
but when i first saw u couldn't hide my attraction,
girl u look like u can make my dreams come true
cuz what we share in secret glances and makes me wonder bout a brand new world with u
and why does the time crawl by
when i'm waiting waiting
for this lifetime of mine
to turn around
He still needs to see a shrink prolly, since that isn't as easy as saying "dude, snap out of it and just treat "women" as "people.""
But yes. I wonder if he has the same difficulties talking to women he does not find attractive, or if he ever even attempts to talk to women he doesn't find attractive.
Women are unquestionably different from men in terms of our cultural context. Because the sexes are treated differently by society and fiction tends to reduce women to objects and caricatures, I can see how somebody without any close female figures in his life would be incapable of understanding that ladies are pretty chill and normal on the balance.
Remember, this isn't just social anxiety or general shyness: "I've never even had a conversation with a woman that lasted longer than a couple of minutes" is completely beyond the pale.
I'd say it's more aggressive than _you_ think. Do you really think that trying to scold and berate people out of their genuinely felt phobias is an effective technique? Because that's what that post is doing. You might as well tell a depressed person "Just cheer the fuck up already, you whiner; lots of people have it worse than you."
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