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Emission Accomplished
October 28, 2010
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Joe Newton
I love reading your column and never thought that I would have a reason to write to you, but to my pleasure and chagrin, I realized today that I could use your help.
I am a 23-year-old woman. I have been with my boyfriend for three years, and we have lived together for two. We have a very healthy sex life, and the longer we are together, the better it gets! There is just one problem: He wants me to get really raunchy with his come when I am blowing him. I guess it's called an "oral creampie." Anyway, he wants to shoot on my face with my mouth open, he wants me to let him come in my mouth and then let it drool back out on my chin or his cock, all kinds of things in that vein. I would LOVE to do that for him—but when it's go time, I freeze and can't bring myself to do it and end up swallowing his come instead.
Honestly, I think the thought of come bothers me. I can swallow it, because once I do it's gone and I don't have to worry about it—but with this, I have to play with it and run it all around in my mouth. I need to know how to embrace his come instead of fearing it so our sex life can continue to grow instead of stagnate on this one thing. HELP!
Frozen Creampie
According to Urban Dictionary—the final authority on all sex definitions these days—an "oral creampie" isn't anywhere near as involved a process as your boyfriend makes it out to be.
"While receiving a blowjob," says Urban Dictionary, "the alpha male peaks to orgasm—while the male is in the midst of ejaculation, or cumming, the female continues the act of oral sex without removing her lips and/or mouth from the alpha males penis—thus, causing the male to cum inside the females mouth, and possibly down her throat while she is still sucking the males penis."
You gotta love how the alpha male—no blowjobs for you beta males—"peaks to orgasm" all by himself. He isn't brought to orgasm thanks to the determined efforts of a giving partner. No. A blowjob is something alpha males do for themselves. There he is, our alpha male, peaking to orgasm all on his own, when suddenly a woman trips and falls face-first into his lap.
Anyway, FC, it looks like you're doing the oral creampie already: You're blowing him; you're swallowing. Your boyfriend is asking you for what we're going to call "more." And this isn't something he's asking you to do "when [you're] blowing him," but after you're done blowing him. Because once he comes, FC, the blowjob is technically over. Emission accomplished. So he's asking for a blowjob-and-then-some, an above-and-beyond-the-call post-blowjob indulgence.
A couple of thoughts...
Presumably, your boyfriend eats your pussy. And when he does, FC, he gets your vaginal secretions all over his face—it's smeared all over his chin and cheeks and nose and lips. It's applied gradually, in layers, like a varnish. There's a big difference between your secretions and his—he comes all at once, in a few massive splats—but if he's eating your pussy, FC, he's already doing a slo-mo version of what he's asking you to do for him.
But even so, FC, your boyfriend has to recognize the above-and-beyond nature of the request he's making. He's getting head—good, enthusiastic head, too, as evidenced by all the alpha orgasms he's peaking. And there you are, only too happy to swallow—even if your true motive is to dispose of his semen as quickly as possible. It seems to me that (1) your boyfriend shouldn't push this oral creampie thing too hard and (2) you shouldn't feel too bad if you can't bring yourself to do this for him anytime soon.
Your inability to do this one thing—this one above-and-beyond thing—shouldn't be allowed to derail an otherwise excellent sex life. Your sex life can "continue to grow" even if this particular act won't be scratched off the boyfriend's bucket-o-come list anytime soon. Do the stuff you enjoy, try new things, continue to grow together. And maybe play with his come a little bit along the way—masturbate him sometimes, or let him masturbate himself, and run your fingers through his come—and perhaps your fears and inhibitions will decrease and one day you'll be able to enjoy his juices (a word I hate in this context) just as much as he enjoys yours.
And he does enjoy yours, right? Because if he isn't eating your pussy, FC, then you shouldn't even be blowing him, much less feeling guilty about not gargling with his come after you're done.
I grew up in a shitty conservative town with a batshit crazy mother and a philandering father who, despite leaving my mom when I was 2, went on to be a pretty good dad and definitely the only moderately stable parent in my life. I wanted his love and approval. I went to law school and married a guy who was, essentially, my dad. They became best friends. Very shortly into the marriage, I fell in love with a woman, realized I'm a total homo, and got divorced. I'm still with the same woman and I'm no longer suicidal over my internalized homophobia. Yay.
My dad didn't exactly support my decision, but he has made an effort to get to know my girlfriend and isn't acting quite as crushed as I know he was when I came out and divorced my husband.
However, he continues to have a relationship with my ex-husband. This enrages me. I felt like he sided with the ex at every turn during our separation and divorce, and now I feel like he's incapable of understanding my feelings. I'm still friendly with my ex, although I have tremendous guilt issues over not having figured myself out before dragging him into a marriage. My dad's point is that his friendship with my ex has nothing to do with me.
Am I just being a petty bitch or is he being an insensitive asshole?
Angry Lesbian Daughter
Petty bitch or insensitive asshole, petty bitch or insensitive asshole, petty bitch or insensitive asshole—does it have to be one or the other, ALD?
Your dad bonded with your ex while you were married and didn't regard the divorce as your ex's fault. Perhaps your dad took your ex's side because he couldn't see that the divorce wasn't entirely your fault, either. You were a victim, too, ALD—victimized by the homophobia you had internalized. The homophobic culture that rendered you incapable of recognizing that you were a lesbian before you dragged your ex into a doomed marriage is ultimately to blame—that doesn't mean you bear no responsibility—and if your dad couldn't see that at the time and was insensitive, then, yeah, he owes you an apology.
You brought your ex into your dad's life, your dad bonded with him as a son-in-law, and it's unfair of you to demand that your dad cut all ties to your ex. That's controlling, irrational behavior—aka petty bitchery—and you should apologize to your dad for it.
You have a right to your feelings, of course, and if your dad's relationship with your ex makes you uncomfortable, it makes you uncomfortable. In this era of divorce, remarriage, and blended families, rest assured that you're not the only person in the world with an ex who's still, for better or worse, part of the family.
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4
Shut up about being first!!!
Any body else feel a little 'meh' about this weeks column? I'm not asking for dog shit eaters every time, but if this is the kind of crap people need advice on, how do they manage to get through their day making all those big decisions about which underwear to put on and how many times to swish the mouth wash? Sheesh!
Any body else feel a little 'meh' about this weeks column? I'm not asking for dog shit eaters every time, but if this is the kind of crap people need advice on, how do they manage to get through their day making all those big decisions about which underwear to put on and how many times to swish the mouth wash? Sheesh!
5
Only two letters, and the first one a rehash of a SLLOD? I know you've been traveling, Dan, and maybe you're sick or something, but maybe you could bank a column or two for weeks like this.
7
I personally think this "oral creampie" is malarky. It's a blow job! A creampie has two parts: the cream & the pie. A mouth is not a pie; only a pussy or asshole can be a pie.
btw, YUM!
btw, YUM!
9
@5...a SSLOTD *is* a banked column, isn't it? I mean, it's easy to say we should have gotten something new, but would you have wanted him not to put it on Slog because he might want to use it in the column later?
10
why does he post sllod if he's not going to add anything we put in the coooommmmennnnts. Commenting on SLLODs is useless, cos were gonna just rehash the whole thing right here.
11
Have to disagree with the advice to ALD.
Blood relationships outweigh all others. Out of loyalty to the daughter, the Dad should end the friendship with the son-in-law.
The Dad is prolonging the daughter's pain. He should sacrifice his friendship for the daughter's well-being. The Dad should side with the daughter even if the breakup was entirely the daughter's fault. This is what we do for loved ones.
The Dad's an asshole. Family first!
Blood relationships outweigh all others. Out of loyalty to the daughter, the Dad should end the friendship with the son-in-law.
The Dad is prolonging the daughter's pain. He should sacrifice his friendship for the daughter's well-being. The Dad should side with the daughter even if the breakup was entirely the daughter's fault. This is what we do for loved ones.
The Dad's an asshole. Family first!
12
why does everybody get so pissy about the free advice/entertainment they are getting?
Thanks Dan. Keep working so hard, we appreciate it!
Thanks Dan. Keep working so hard, we appreciate it!
13
QUIT RE-PUBLISHING SLLOTDs!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is this necessary? Are people not writing to you with their problems anymore and you have to scrape-up material for the column??
Stop it!
Is this necessary? Are people not writing to you with their problems anymore and you have to scrape-up material for the column??
Stop it!
15
ALD, if it helps at all, I'm still friends with the mother of an ex, 14 years after we broke up. It had nothing to do with getting back at him; I just really liked his mom and didn't want to lose her friendship. My ex was okay with it (or so he said) and so she and I stayed friends.
I think it's harder for men, especially older ones, to make new male friends, and so in some ways you really gave your dad a gift by bringing someone he could be friends with into his life. If your dad is making an effort to get to know your girlfriend and you really are still friendly with your ex, then their friendship really is something wholly separate from you.
I think it's harder for men, especially older ones, to make new male friends, and so in some ways you really gave your dad a gift by bringing someone he could be friends with into his life. If your dad is making an effort to get to know your girlfriend and you really are still friendly with your ex, then their friendship really is something wholly separate from you.
16
@11: Bullshit... she brought the two together. She broke up with her ex, not her dad. She doesn't like it? Tough. Dad and daughter are close-ish, he seems to be accepting of her in a (his?) way... Why is she monitoring the relationship and interactions between her dad and her ex in the first place? If she wasn't a petty bitch, she wouldn't be paying ANY attention to this.
18
@11 - I totally disagree with you. If anyone in my family (one of my kids!?) had authority to tell me whom I should and should not be friendly with, what would that make me? Loyal? Hardly. Petty bitch can ignore it or wallow in it and all it means to HER HER HER. Who cares? She has her girlfriend and is finally living the life she needs to. Except she can't stop thinking her emotional needs are more important than everyone else's.
19
"Only two letters, and the first one a rehash of a SLLOD? I know you've been traveling, Dan, and maybe you're sick or something, but maybe you could bank a column or two for weeks like this."
and
"Any body else feel a little 'meh' about this weeks column? I'm not asking for dog shit eaters every time, but if this is the kind of crap people need advice on, how do they manage to get through their day making all those big decisions about which underwear to put on and how many times to swish the mouth wash? Sheesh!"
*steps onto soapbox*
If you can't stand the reruns, skip the letters he runs in the blog already! If your biggest gripe in life is that Dan doesn't publish new letters for your enjoyment every single week, or that the letters he chooses aren't "entertaining enough" for you, GET A LIFE!
This goes for all of the other whiners who post about this every time Dan posts a rerun, or chooses a letter/letters that isn't/aren't about sexual deviancy that is/are entertaining enough for you, too. Sheesh. Be glad he has a life outside of writing his columns, and find something more important to do already. I can see why Dan rarely reads the comments attached to his columns here!
*steps off of soapbox*
and
"Any body else feel a little 'meh' about this weeks column? I'm not asking for dog shit eaters every time, but if this is the kind of crap people need advice on, how do they manage to get through their day making all those big decisions about which underwear to put on and how many times to swish the mouth wash? Sheesh!"
*steps onto soapbox*
If you can't stand the reruns, skip the letters he runs in the blog already! If your biggest gripe in life is that Dan doesn't publish new letters for your enjoyment every single week, or that the letters he chooses aren't "entertaining enough" for you, GET A LIFE!
This goes for all of the other whiners who post about this every time Dan posts a rerun, or chooses a letter/letters that isn't/aren't about sexual deviancy that is/are entertaining enough for you, too. Sheesh. Be glad he has a life outside of writing his columns, and find something more important to do already. I can see why Dan rarely reads the comments attached to his columns here!
*steps off of soapbox*
20
Custard pies (Zeppelin), cherry pies (Warrant), hair pies (Captain Beefheart) -- what is it with desserts, music, and sexual innuendo?
21
@#11
'Blood relationships outweigh all others.'
Um, really?
'Cause I've got a hell of a lot of blood relatives I've never met, and I really couldn't care less.
I must be a really bad person.
'Blood relationships outweigh all others.'
Um, really?
'Cause I've got a hell of a lot of blood relatives I've never met, and I really couldn't care less.
I must be a really bad person.
23
If you guys want to be surprised by SL don't read the SLLOD.
Can you imagine if he printed 3 SLLOD in a week, and then did a column that had no SLLODs in it? He would be accused of not using the best letters for the column and going for low-ball easy questions.
Can you imagine if he printed 3 SLLOD in a week, and then did a column that had no SLLODs in it? He would be accused of not using the best letters for the column and going for low-ball easy questions.
24
So, ALD, you get to remain friendly with they guy that you brought into your family, but your dad doesn't? Sorry, nope: that's 99.94% pure, petty controlling bitch.
It would be one thing if the ex had been a right bastard, you had a horrible, acrimonious breakup, and now there he was, someone you wanted nothing to do with, the metaphorical viper's nest in the bosom of your family. But you are still friendly with him yourself. And you expect all the other people in your life to cut ties, as if he was persona non grata? That's seriously irrational.
That's not to say that you don't have some legitimate anger to work out, but I'm guessing it isn't really about the relationship between your dad and your ex.
I'm guessing that your dad "siding" with the ex meant that from his perspective the ex hadn't done anything wrong to deserve being dumped. (Other than be the wrong sex for you.) You feel horribly guilty about dragging him into a doomed marriage, and Dad is essentially siding with the guilty voice that sits on your shoulder and whispers in your ear.
I guess further that Dad probably put some pressure on you to work it out with the ex during the breakup, which probably seemed very disrespectful of your growing understanding of your sexual orientation.
But in the present moment, the bottom line is that there is nothing legitimately objectionable about the relationship between your father and your ex husband -- particularly in light of the fact that you maintain an amicable relationship with him yourself.
It would be one thing if the ex had been a right bastard, you had a horrible, acrimonious breakup, and now there he was, someone you wanted nothing to do with, the metaphorical viper's nest in the bosom of your family. But you are still friendly with him yourself. And you expect all the other people in your life to cut ties, as if he was persona non grata? That's seriously irrational.
That's not to say that you don't have some legitimate anger to work out, but I'm guessing it isn't really about the relationship between your dad and your ex.
I'm guessing that your dad "siding" with the ex meant that from his perspective the ex hadn't done anything wrong to deserve being dumped. (Other than be the wrong sex for you.) You feel horribly guilty about dragging him into a doomed marriage, and Dad is essentially siding with the guilty voice that sits on your shoulder and whispers in your ear.
I guess further that Dad probably put some pressure on you to work it out with the ex during the breakup, which probably seemed very disrespectful of your growing understanding of your sexual orientation.
But in the present moment, the bottom line is that there is nothing legitimately objectionable about the relationship between your father and your ex husband -- particularly in light of the fact that you maintain an amicable relationship with him yourself.
25
I, for one, am glad that this column included a SLLOD repeat. And that, finally!, it included the details of the cum fetish.
Carry on.
Carry on.
26
@11 - Are you kidding?? No one tells me who I can and can't be friends with, as long as I'm not an asshole about it. As long as this woman's father doesn't invite the ex-husband to family functions - in other words, force any kind of relationship between the exes - it's his choice to continue a relationship. True close friends aren't always easy to come by. Leave them alone. Remember, the ex-husband is a victim in this, too.
27
Obviously Frozen Creampie's boyfriend has been watching blowjob porn. The only reason for a woman to open her mouth and slurp around the cum is visual: to confirm that said cum has indeed occurred.
Men who jack off on their ladies' faces are missing the wonderful feeling of wet parts, tongues, suction, etc., that a genuine blowjob provides. I think the guy should just be thankful FC swallows. Lots of ladies spit immediately. If he wants to see a mouthful, he should just crank up the computer and watch (more) porn. There's no shortage of viusals there.
Men who jack off on their ladies' faces are missing the wonderful feeling of wet parts, tongues, suction, etc., that a genuine blowjob provides. I think the guy should just be thankful FC swallows. Lots of ladies spit immediately. If he wants to see a mouthful, he should just crank up the computer and watch (more) porn. There's no shortage of viusals there.
28
whoa whoa whoa.. whats with all the hate... we all have days and weeks where we feel like crap and dont quite perform as well as other days.. maybe this is Dan's way of saying "fuck this shit, i'm taking a break" week... let him be...
and @11... my blood brother defrauded me and caused me lots of money, tears and sweat... he had to go to jail and i am now under close surveillance for acts that i never committed.. i certainly still love him because he is my brother... but i definitely do not treat him anywhere as nicely as i do my friends..
food for thought..
Kid
and @11... my blood brother defrauded me and caused me lots of money, tears and sweat... he had to go to jail and i am now under close surveillance for acts that i never committed.. i certainly still love him because he is my brother... but i definitely do not treat him anywhere as nicely as i do my friends..
food for thought..
Kid
29
@7 Maybe it's a cake? You know, as in, "Oi! Shut yer cake-hole!" So then this would be a creamCAKE, no? Once again proving the superiority of cake to pie. Num. (That "num" was for real cake, not...)
30
Hey CrazyCanuck, you need an avatar, and I found one for you! (no, no, no need to thank me...)
http://wildmanhangout.com/wordpress/wp-c…
Our numbers are small, but mighty. Rock on. Eat a Tim Bit.
http://wildmanhangout.com/wordpress/wp-c…
Our numbers are small, but mighty. Rock on. Eat a Tim Bit.
31
Dan could easily hire someone to flesh out (aka actually type) his advice. Get a tape recorder and send it off to be transcribed, if nothing else.
There is absolutely no reason that, with the hundreds if not THOUSANDS of letters Dan receives every week he couldn't pick 3 EVERY SINGLE DAY.
It's time to revamp your business model, Dan. 1 repost and 1 letter a week? If every column was as poor as today's, your readership would drift off to something with more frequent updates.
There is absolutely no reason that, with the hundreds if not THOUSANDS of letters Dan receives every week he couldn't pick 3 EVERY SINGLE DAY.
It's time to revamp your business model, Dan. 1 repost and 1 letter a week? If every column was as poor as today's, your readership would drift off to something with more frequent updates.
32
Slidebone, gotta completely disagree. Some family members are friends but not all. Friends are people you choose. Family are people you're stuck with.
My brother married my best friend. When they divorced, I tried to maintain a relationship with both even after the brother stalked her and threatened mutual friends who sided with her. I forgave him for his borderline criminal behavior. But he needed me to choose him. When the best friend came to a gathering that he was not invited to, our relationship had to end.
My brother married my best friend. When they divorced, I tried to maintain a relationship with both even after the brother stalked her and threatened mutual friends who sided with her. I forgave him for his borderline criminal behavior. But he needed me to choose him. When the best friend came to a gathering that he was not invited to, our relationship had to end.
33
Since your ex was initially attracted to you, and you ARE your father's daughter, he probably sees that same thing in your dad. You don't know the relationship between them -- women can understand male bonding about as well as men can understand women and the things THEY do.
Their friendship has nothing to do with you.
Their friendship has nothing to do with you.
34
Since your ex was initially attracted to you, and you ARE your father's daughter, he probably sees that same thing in your dad. You don't know the relationship between them -- women can understand male bonding about as well as men can understand women and the things THEY do.
Their friendship has nothing to do with you.
Their friendship has nothing to do with you.
35
Since your ex was initially attracted to you, and you ARE your father's daughter, he probably sees that same thing in your dad. You don't know the relationship between them -- women can understand male bonding about as well as men can understand women and the things THEY do.
Their friendship has nothing to do with you.
Their friendship has nothing to do with you.
36
I'm all about efficiency, and reusing a SSLOTD for his syndicated column is nothing if not efficient. We see it twice, but no one else does!
Anyway, I have to agree with Dan, ALD has no right to dictate her father's friendships, as long as he's not pushing them on her.
She does have the right to ask her father to not invite her ex to thanksgiving, or on the family vacation, or over to her house for dinner. Her father can hang out with her ex when she's not around.
Anyway, I have to agree with Dan, ALD has no right to dictate her father's friendships, as long as he's not pushing them on her.
She does have the right to ask her father to not invite her ex to thanksgiving, or on the family vacation, or over to her house for dinner. Her father can hang out with her ex when she's not around.
37
@11 thats retarded childs talk. family first? well then, you should let your dad (FAMILY) alone! the new lesbian sounds like an only child and needs ALL the attention. grow the fuck up.
38
Dear Slidebone 11:
Re: "Blood relationships outweigh all others. Out of loyalty to the daughter, the Dad should end the friendship with the son-in-law."
"Family first" is the kind of nonsense that perpetuates all kinds of problems in our society. God knows how many child molesters, spouse abusers, ne'er do wells, and general layabouts are given a free ride because they're family members.
Dear ALD: You say your father is "incapable of understanding your feelings." What you mean to say is that your father doesn't agree with you. Having strong feelings about something doesn't give you a free pass to claim he's an idiot if he won't go along with those feelings.
And anyway, as you hint at, you need to deal with the underlying reason your ex's presence in your dad's life makes you feel crappy.
You also need to realize that you made a smart and courageous decision when you broke up your marriage. Now you both have a chance at happiness; before, neither of you did.
Re: "Blood relationships outweigh all others. Out of loyalty to the daughter, the Dad should end the friendship with the son-in-law."
"Family first" is the kind of nonsense that perpetuates all kinds of problems in our society. God knows how many child molesters, spouse abusers, ne'er do wells, and general layabouts are given a free ride because they're family members.
Dear ALD: You say your father is "incapable of understanding your feelings." What you mean to say is that your father doesn't agree with you. Having strong feelings about something doesn't give you a free pass to claim he's an idiot if he won't go along with those feelings.
And anyway, as you hint at, you need to deal with the underlying reason your ex's presence in your dad's life makes you feel crappy.
You also need to realize that you made a smart and courageous decision when you broke up your marriage. Now you both have a chance at happiness; before, neither of you did.
39
@36, I completely agree. As long as the dad doesn't insist on inviting the ex to daughter-attended events, there's no problem. He can have a relationship with both independent of each other.
40
no, wingedkat.
an "efficient" operation (assuming he gets letters), would be able to sift through the mail and come up with a column,
Would it be "efficient" if he simply re-ran the same column every week?
an "efficient" operation (assuming he gets letters), would be able to sift through the mail and come up with a column,
Would it be "efficient" if he simply re-ran the same column every week?
41
"One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives." - Euripedes
@27 is dead on regarding FC's boyfriend.
@27 is dead on regarding FC's boyfriend.
42
OK, can't resist my inner Freud. ALD has ISSUES, like enough for years of therapy, and obviously those have not been resolved since she keeps reliving them. 1) Marries a man just like dad, then dumps him early in the marriage. Irrational revenge against the father figure much? Then the irrational plan didn't work b/c the dad and dad figure became friends and have a warm relationship. Hahaha. Then in her irrationality ALD sides with the mother figure, of course. That one is not going to last either. Drag your ass into therapy before hurting any more people, you freaking manipulative bitch!
43
My ALD theory: her Dad and her then-husband first bonded because of their shared connection with ALD, but also because the two men are so much alike. Dad "sided with" her then-husband during the divorce, partly for the reasons Dan suggests - but also because he identifies so closely with her then-husband.
This makes ALD verrrry uncomfortable, because it leaves her thinking that Dad identifies her divorce with his own divorce - which he probably does to some extent. Carrying this line of thought further, she's afraid that Dad identifies ALD with her batshit crazy mother - which he probably does not do, since he raised her and knows she's not batshit crazy. But it would probably help her to talk to him about this, and hear him tell her that he knows she's not a clone of her mom.
This makes ALD verrrry uncomfortable, because it leaves her thinking that Dad identifies her divorce with his own divorce - which he probably does to some extent. Carrying this line of thought further, she's afraid that Dad identifies ALD with her batshit crazy mother - which he probably does not do, since he raised her and knows she's not batshit crazy. But it would probably help her to talk to him about this, and hear him tell her that he knows she's not a clone of her mom.
44
@5, 9, 10 - A free column, a free podcast, and a free letter of the day. And you're complaining because each and every one of them isn't 100% unique? Kwitcherbichen. That's German for shut up.
45
I think that the possibility cannot be ruled out that dad was on the ex's side during the divorce. If he was too assholish about it he should apologize, but let's not forget that we aren't talking about divorcing an abusive spouse. We're talking about a woman who presumably got a man to fall in love with her and then realized that "oops! I'm a lesbian" and dumped him. Sure maybe she hadn't realized she was gay, but I would be quite understanding of a guy being suspicious that his wife made it to an age where she was in law school without having an inkling that she liked women and not men. If that guy were my best friend, I'd be even more understanding, even if the woman were family. At the very least, she has to understand that given that her ex is the bigger victim in all of this her father has the right to be at least conflicted.
46
If ALD got divorced because her husband had been an abusive asshole and then her father was still friends with him, then that would be a problem. But that's not what happened. She got divorced because she found out she was lesbian. Her divorce had nothing to do with her ex-husband as she would have divorced *any* man she was married to. She's even still on good terms with her ex.
I wouldn't suggest to her father that he invite the ex for Thanksgiving (unless he is one of those people that invites everyone he knows and has fifty or more people at his house) but if the two of them are hanging out or going to the game or whatever, it isn't really ALD's problem. Her ex wasn't a bad dude, after all; he was just a dude and she didn't want that anymore, and that's not her dad's fault.
I wouldn't suggest to her father that he invite the ex for Thanksgiving (unless he is one of those people that invites everyone he knows and has fifty or more people at his house) but if the two of them are hanging out or going to the game or whatever, it isn't really ALD's problem. Her ex wasn't a bad dude, after all; he was just a dude and she didn't want that anymore, and that's not her dad's fault.
47
Dear complainers: Besides being away from home and sick (I guess? I don't have a hidden camera following him.), Dan is running a newspaper, taping podcasts, and--did you hear?--managing an insanely successful online anti-bullying GLBT support campaign that has been covered on every news network and garnered attention all the way up to the White House. So yeah, maybe he has better things to do this week than respond to frankly ridiculous sex questions for your entertainment.
48
Great column this week. I saw Savage this Monday at Williams College, got his autograph for my partner, and listened to some pretty awesome Q&A. Lots of gasps from the freshmen, but otherwise good questions and a lot of funny, fresh answers.
49
@38
"'Family first' is the kind of nonsense that perpetuates all kinds of problems in our society. God knows how many child molesters, spouse abusers, ne'er do wells, and general layabouts are given a free ride because they're family members."
Very well said.
"Dear ALD: You say your father is "incapable of understanding your feelings." What you mean to say is that your father doesn't agree with you. Having strong feelings about something doesn't give you a free pass to claim he's an idiot if he won't go along with those feelings."
I, in particular, wanted to echo this part of your comments; many people seem to believe their feelings, of all things, have validity merely because they are strong, even overpoweringly so. Some people possess an overpowering feeling of fear and distrust of minorities; that doesn't make that viewpoint valid either, does it?
A stronger self-consciousness, nationally, would profoundly be a social good.
"'Family first' is the kind of nonsense that perpetuates all kinds of problems in our society. God knows how many child molesters, spouse abusers, ne'er do wells, and general layabouts are given a free ride because they're family members."
Very well said.
"Dear ALD: You say your father is "incapable of understanding your feelings." What you mean to say is that your father doesn't agree with you. Having strong feelings about something doesn't give you a free pass to claim he's an idiot if he won't go along with those feelings."
I, in particular, wanted to echo this part of your comments; many people seem to believe their feelings, of all things, have validity merely because they are strong, even overpoweringly so. Some people possess an overpowering feeling of fear and distrust of minorities; that doesn't make that viewpoint valid either, does it?
A stronger self-consciousness, nationally, would profoundly be a social good.
50
#48, I'm jealous! I looked into getting tickets for Dan's event in Chicagoland next month, but they were already sold out.
FWIW, I'm with the people telling the advice-seeker to get over the fact that her father wishes to remain friends with her ex. Her dad's wanting to stay friends with her ex is not a direct threat to, or repudiation of, his relationship with her. In fact, it's evidence that she had good enough taste to pick a man her father liked. The advice-seeker should seek to grow up a little, and accept she gets to choose whom she likes or loves, but she doesn't get to chose whom her parents like or love.
#32, did you really pick your abusive brother over your (former) best friend? If so, you chose unwisely, and your brother's done as big a number on you as he did on his ex. How's that working out for you?
FWIW, I'm with the people telling the advice-seeker to get over the fact that her father wishes to remain friends with her ex. Her dad's wanting to stay friends with her ex is not a direct threat to, or repudiation of, his relationship with her. In fact, it's evidence that she had good enough taste to pick a man her father liked. The advice-seeker should seek to grow up a little, and accept she gets to choose whom she likes or loves, but she doesn't get to chose whom her parents like or love.
#32, did you really pick your abusive brother over your (former) best friend? If so, you chose unwisely, and your brother's done as big a number on you as he did on his ex. How's that working out for you?
52
ALD is being irrational about her father's friendship with her ex, presuming that she's included everything relevant and he isn't pressuring her or rubbing her nose in the friendship. As long as her dad is maintaining the friendship with a reasonable degree of discretion and sensitivity, she has no grounds at all for a complaint. We don't have any reason to believe her ex is a bad person at all, just a guy who was unlucky enough to marry an embryonic lesbian. It also sounds like they've stayed friendly despite the divorce.
I think she's just being precious and needs to let her father and her ex live their own lives.
I think she's just being precious and needs to let her father and her ex live their own lives.
53
And to add to my earlier comments:
It is not possible to kill one's passions; and if it were, it would not be a good thing. But passions, being much like wild Dionysian beasts, are certainly not to be trusted, much as they may motivate us, by accident, to good deeds. A good thing it would be to have a certain knowledge of how to ride those passions, and master rather than merely subjugate them. But all of these things require a potent mind's eye and much in the way of self-knowledge.
A man, keeping his rage on a tight leash, may find himself readily able to unleash it and reign it back in easily; he becomes able to use that passion pragmatically, to accomplish many small and great goals.
I sometimes feel this is the key to good parenting; children walk all over an obliging parent, and they merely tune out a belligerent one. But a parent that learns to choose his battles, saving his wrath for those moments, may make a very profound impression upon his wards, requiring very little in the way of actual scolding and in general maintaining a calm demeanor.
If man were a tightrope fastened between two ends of a chasm, it would seem that many men fail to do any tightrope walking, and remain merely upon the animal side, in a rage this way and that defeating themselves and utterly unaware of what drives them.
It is not possible to kill one's passions; and if it were, it would not be a good thing. But passions, being much like wild Dionysian beasts, are certainly not to be trusted, much as they may motivate us, by accident, to good deeds. A good thing it would be to have a certain knowledge of how to ride those passions, and master rather than merely subjugate them. But all of these things require a potent mind's eye and much in the way of self-knowledge.
A man, keeping his rage on a tight leash, may find himself readily able to unleash it and reign it back in easily; he becomes able to use that passion pragmatically, to accomplish many small and great goals.
I sometimes feel this is the key to good parenting; children walk all over an obliging parent, and they merely tune out a belligerent one. But a parent that learns to choose his battles, saving his wrath for those moments, may make a very profound impression upon his wards, requiring very little in the way of actual scolding and in general maintaining a calm demeanor.
If man were a tightrope fastened between two ends of a chasm, it would seem that many men fail to do any tightrope walking, and remain merely upon the animal side, in a rage this way and that defeating themselves and utterly unaware of what drives them.
54
A heads-up for commenters who've submitted the same post twice: Your initial posts won't show up the first time you re-visit the column site until you refresh the page. It's one of the quirks of the comment system The Stranger uses.
55
Well this column was one of the worst. Even so Dan hit the answer out of the park.
Family first, certainly- but not family first second, everything and last. Dan called the controlling bitch lezbo drama for exactly what it was.
As for the blowjob babe, am I to understand she can swallow- that is dribble it down her throat, but she can't let it dribble out of her mouth a bit. Why do so many people have stupid sex hangups- him for demanding something she is uncomfortable doing and her for being ridiculous. Do it up babe, it is good for the skin!
Here, have her watch this one for some ideas:
http://www.pornoxo.com/videos/34570/the-…
Family first, certainly- but not family first second, everything and last. Dan called the controlling bitch lezbo drama for exactly what it was.
As for the blowjob babe, am I to understand she can swallow- that is dribble it down her throat, but she can't let it dribble out of her mouth a bit. Why do so many people have stupid sex hangups- him for demanding something she is uncomfortable doing and her for being ridiculous. Do it up babe, it is good for the skin!
Here, have her watch this one for some ideas:
http://www.pornoxo.com/videos/34570/the-…
56
I know how Frozen Creampie feels. I have a hangup about cum hitting the air. Shoot it in my mouth or either of the two remaining standard orifices, but please don't shoot it on my face, tits, back, cat, etc. It starts to smell like chlorine when it hits the air; yuk. I don't even like to see money shots in videos; I always avert my eyes.
Maybe FC's partner could mitigate the chlorine somewhat by eating fruits or other sweet foods, so it wouldn't smell so bad when it hit the air. If she's GGG once and decides after that she doesn't like it, oh well, it sucks to be him. Maybe she should snowball it back to him and see how HE likes it.
Maybe FC's partner could mitigate the chlorine somewhat by eating fruits or other sweet foods, so it wouldn't smell so bad when it hit the air. If she's GGG once and decides after that she doesn't like it, oh well, it sucks to be him. Maybe she should snowball it back to him and see how HE likes it.
57
Central Scrutinizer, I agree with what you've written. We all have feelings we can't control. How we *respond* to these feelings, on the other hand, IS under our control.
58
Oh, and regarding FC, her boyfriend has a porn fixation. Here's the thing: porn is not sex. The positions and activities seen in porn are almost always geared toward visual stimulation for the viewer and not physical stimulation for the participants. People who try to recreate porn in their bedrooms are doomed to have unsatisfying sex.
59
#1. As someone said before, the boyfriend should just be grateful that she's swallowing. I can swallow if I'm in the mood or drunk enough, but it's a hard thing at most times. (Now I feel bad, for some reason!) It's a texture thing. Not the most pleasant thing to have in your mouth, imo. Asking her to smear it all over her face and play with it is just gravy -- though personally I'd rather have it that way than in my mouth. Ah, well. Different strokes, different folks, etc.
#2. I wonder if ALD wastes her time trying to control who her friends are friends with, too? I understand anger and jealousy are hard things to control and aren't easily reasoned away. But seriously? Never, ever, force someone to choose between you and another person, blood relation or no. At best you'll damage your relationship w/ the person you're playing tug-of-war with, at worst you won't be picked.
#3. ...I just started reading Savage Love a month ago, so these letters are new material to me. :)
#2. I wonder if ALD wastes her time trying to control who her friends are friends with, too? I understand anger and jealousy are hard things to control and aren't easily reasoned away. But seriously? Never, ever, force someone to choose between you and another person, blood relation or no. At best you'll damage your relationship w/ the person you're playing tug-of-war with, at worst you won't be picked.
#3. ...I just started reading Savage Love a month ago, so these letters are new material to me. :)
60
I'm a bi man, and I'll swallow because I love doing that for my boyfriend, but I don't really enjoy it for its own sake. Like Robin8, I'm fine if it goes straight down my throat, but if I tried to actually lick it up? Ugh, that would make me nauseous.
61
ALD, give your ex a break. You dumped him for another woman and now you want to take away one of his best friends.
Of course you were right to leave him, but considering the damage you've already done, I would hope you wouldn't want to cause him anymore distress.
It's not like your father is abandoning her. Yes, he sided with her ex, but I bet he loves you and always will. That should be enough under these circumstances. Let them be.
Of course you were right to leave him, but considering the damage you've already done, I would hope you wouldn't want to cause him anymore distress.
It's not like your father is abandoning her. Yes, he sided with her ex, but I bet he loves you and always will. That should be enough under these circumstances. Let them be.
62
@31:
Uh, you *do* realize that The Stranger is an actual print newspaper, right? And that, well, they have a weekly publication? And the advertising for said weekly paper actually pays the salaries of the wankers.... err, syndicated advice columnists that work there?
Not that the blog doesn't have better content or anything. :)
Uh, you *do* realize that The Stranger is an actual print newspaper, right? And that, well, they have a weekly publication? And the advertising for said weekly paper actually pays the salaries of the wankers.... err, syndicated advice columnists that work there?
Not that the blog doesn't have better content or anything. :)
63
I think Dan has it wrong on this one. A cream pie is something you see, smell, then eat. Therefore, in an oral cream pie, you first have to see the cream, which has to be the semen. This means you have to see the semen outside the mouth. Oral cream pie has to be a regurgitating action, not swallowing.
64
@50, perhaps my post was ambiguous. When the brother couldn't deal with me inviting the friend to things and not him, the relationship with HIM not her had to end.
65
Quote-"I grew up in a shitty conservative town with a batshit crazy mother and a philandering father who, despite leaving my mom when I was 2, went on to be a pretty good dad and definitely the only moderately stable parent in my life."
Guess what, ALD? Your parents lived in a shitty conservative town. Your father was married to a batshit-crazy woman. Your father cheated on aforementioned batshit-crazy mother. Your father was the stable parent. Get it yet? Are there any suppositions that have popped into your brain, mainly involving the stressors that people who are violently suppressing their natural sexual identity can engender in themselves and others?
Or, to be blunt: there's a good chance that your mother's an even bigger lesbian than you. I've met a few women who married a man to "turn straight", had 1-2 children before realizing that the sight of the "man-thing" disgusted them to the point of revulsion, turned that man away from their bedroom to avoid the shame, then suffered in silence (pre-no fault divorce) or idly sat around until their husband gave them the "out" by cheating. For the women who *didn't* come out of the closet, they used the fact that they *had been* married to a man at some point in their lives as affirmation of their heterosexuality (while doing things that most definitely proved that the man in question was nowhere near as faulty as advertised), because their internal battle with their true sexuality blinded them from the repercussions of their real-life actions.
(A good example: I like wrestling. I frequent a few Internet forums for wrestling. One of the forums has a female poster who **loves** wrestling. All of her top-tens, whether favorite, skilled or charismatic wrestlers, are women and the "huskier" women at that. She couldn't tell the difference between Bobby Lashley and Batista, using the "They're both big-ass men!", excuse, but she can tell the difference between any dozen plainclothed Japanese joshi wrestlers without trying Once, she admitted to using gel toothpaste to style her hair because she liked the smell of mint and the "wet, slicked back" style.
Here's a side-by-side of Bobbly Lashley and Batista.
http://www.wrestlingsuperstars.org/wp-co…
Here are the faces of some joshi wrestlers.
https://webspace.yale.edu/anth282/viewin…)
I'm not saying that your mother's instability is based on denial, but it's possible that your father's philandering (most men begin to cheat after their women refuse sexual access), his status as the stable parent (he came to terms with his sexuality years ago) and his embrace of your former fiance (guy marries "unorthodox" woman, divorces her, then meets a man like himself who is jilted by his "unorthodox" daughter, hmm?) may be related to the assertion of a pattern that began long before you were even a twinkle in his eye.
Bottom line: unless he's introducing your ex as his "former and soon to be son-in-law" at family events, let it go.
More...
Guess what, ALD? Your parents lived in a shitty conservative town. Your father was married to a batshit-crazy woman. Your father cheated on aforementioned batshit-crazy mother. Your father was the stable parent. Get it yet? Are there any suppositions that have popped into your brain, mainly involving the stressors that people who are violently suppressing their natural sexual identity can engender in themselves and others?
Or, to be blunt: there's a good chance that your mother's an even bigger lesbian than you. I've met a few women who married a man to "turn straight", had 1-2 children before realizing that the sight of the "man-thing" disgusted them to the point of revulsion, turned that man away from their bedroom to avoid the shame, then suffered in silence (pre-no fault divorce) or idly sat around until their husband gave them the "out" by cheating. For the women who *didn't* come out of the closet, they used the fact that they *had been* married to a man at some point in their lives as affirmation of their heterosexuality (while doing things that most definitely proved that the man in question was nowhere near as faulty as advertised), because their internal battle with their true sexuality blinded them from the repercussions of their real-life actions.
(A good example: I like wrestling. I frequent a few Internet forums for wrestling. One of the forums has a female poster who **loves** wrestling. All of her top-tens, whether favorite, skilled or charismatic wrestlers, are women and the "huskier" women at that. She couldn't tell the difference between Bobby Lashley and Batista, using the "They're both big-ass men!", excuse, but she can tell the difference between any dozen plainclothed Japanese joshi wrestlers without trying Once, she admitted to using gel toothpaste to style her hair because she liked the smell of mint and the "wet, slicked back" style.
Here's a side-by-side of Bobbly Lashley and Batista.
http://www.wrestlingsuperstars.org/wp-co…
Here are the faces of some joshi wrestlers.
https://webspace.yale.edu/anth282/viewin…)
I'm not saying that your mother's instability is based on denial, but it's possible that your father's philandering (most men begin to cheat after their women refuse sexual access), his status as the stable parent (he came to terms with his sexuality years ago) and his embrace of your former fiance (guy marries "unorthodox" woman, divorces her, then meets a man like himself who is jilted by his "unorthodox" daughter, hmm?) may be related to the assertion of a pattern that began long before you were even a twinkle in his eye.
Bottom line: unless he's introducing your ex as his "former and soon to be son-in-law" at family events, let it go.
66
"You don't know the relationship between them -- women can understand male bonding about as well as men can understand women and the things THEY do."
So perfectly well, since it's all basically friendship and we're all human, and men are not animals and women are not aliens.
Fucksake I am tired of people insisting male and female can never really understand each other. Use your human brain and be human - you have more in common with another gender than you have different from them. :/
So perfectly well, since it's all basically friendship and we're all human, and men are not animals and women are not aliens.
Fucksake I am tired of people insisting male and female can never really understand each other. Use your human brain and be human - you have more in common with another gender than you have different from them. :/
67
I applaud FB for wanting to do even more for her 'alpha male', but this particular fetish shouldn't impair progressing in their sexual lives. Like George2, I believe FB's letter depicts a porn induced fetish (not that there is something wrong with that). What he seems to be looking for is the visual effect. Perhaps she could 'fake it' and replace cum with some other substance? Still, some time getting use to his cum might be helpful overtime, as Dan recomends.
68
Life isn't fair and people don't always get what they want or deserve. Just be happy you're in a loving relationship and enjoy it for however long it lasts. Nothing lasts forever.
69
Dan, you continue to ROCK!
Spot on (pun intended!) advice to FC!
My ex used to want to drown me, too.
Spot on (pun intended!) advice to FC!
My ex used to want to drown me, too.
70
Auntie Grizelda got the 69. You go.
Everyone hating, no one if forcing you to be here to read this or comment so zip it haters. Its proof that bullying will never end no matter how hard anyone tries.
It is sad.
Everyone hating, no one if forcing you to be here to read this or comment so zip it haters. Its proof that bullying will never end no matter how hard anyone tries.
It is sad.
72
sweet spaghetti ald. you brought your husband into your dad's life, and asked your dad to know and at least like the guy. and he does this. your life takes some twists and turns and now you are a divorced lesbian with a partner. your father is making an effort with your partner. you are asking a lot of your dad. your dad totally loves you. he hasn't pushed you away. whatever harebrained thing, your dad is there. you are on good terms with your ex, what is the harm. don't end up being a petty insensitive bitchy asshole
73
@65: Yes, Dad likely went through something similar to what his SIL did. Maybe very similar.
Of course society should be more advanced and all people should have positive roles models and no constraints on exploring and expressing their sexuality (with consenting adults). But to take till fricking law school to figure it all out?!? It happens. Happened with an XGF of mine. And we're cool with each other. But (and here's the difference) I'm fine with her family still. She's great with my family still. Our relationship was OUR relationship. My relationship with other people is MY relationship.
If you don't want the aftermath of a mixed-orientation marriage, just don't marry someone you're not sexually attracted to. You had no idea you felt less than he did? Less for him than the storybooks described? Bullshit. He was a beard, a convenient one until you didn't need it anymore. I believe it wasn't conscious on your part. But I don't believe you delved deeply into your own pysche before saying "I do."
Of course society should be more advanced and all people should have positive roles models and no constraints on exploring and expressing their sexuality (with consenting adults). But to take till fricking law school to figure it all out?!? It happens. Happened with an XGF of mine. And we're cool with each other. But (and here's the difference) I'm fine with her family still. She's great with my family still. Our relationship was OUR relationship. My relationship with other people is MY relationship.
If you don't want the aftermath of a mixed-orientation marriage, just don't marry someone you're not sexually attracted to. You had no idea you felt less than he did? Less for him than the storybooks described? Bullshit. He was a beard, a convenient one until you didn't need it anymore. I believe it wasn't conscious on your part. But I don't believe you delved deeply into your own pysche before saying "I do."
74
Your comments to ALD about divorce, blended families and such is truer than most people know. In my own family I have one brother who has been in a 20+ year relationship with the ex-wife of another brother, an ex-boyfriend of one of my sisters comes to family events and is now the family tax expert!. ALD needs to realize that her dad became friends with a PERSON. If you had never married the man and your dad was friends with him would it bother you? I think you need to expand your mind about friendship as much as you did about your sexuality...
75
I know I will be accused of rehashing the past, but for those readers who are frustrated by the lack of information in a letter, wished the LW would provide an update, or wished we knew how things worked out. A dedicated and very observant reader postulated that Dan posted a letter from PTSD in his March 6, 2008 column, which fits well with PTSD's time line. If true, it illustrates that things are not always as presented by the LW (duh, you think), one of the many problems in forcing an unwilling partner into a open marriage/relationship, the dangers of not providing your partner with what they need sexually and emotionally, and with perfect 20/20 hindsight, the tragic consequences that can sometimes result from following any advice columnist's advice or opinion. We also have the answer to the question Dan posed in his response. What's the worst that can happen? PTSD's husband (assuming again that its the same LW, oh why the hell not, every one else was making their own assumptions) at least would have been far better off if they had divorced two years ago.
I wonder if Dan would/could confirm or refute this.
Lastly, I am left wondering if PTSD's assailant is the man that she was talking about in that letter (once again assuming PTSD and TTFH are the same person). If so, I cringe at her comments about her husband's acceptance and how prophetic her ending questions were.
I wonder if Dan would/could confirm or refute this.
Lastly, I am left wondering if PTSD's assailant is the man that she was talking about in that letter (once again assuming PTSD and TTFH are the same person). If so, I cringe at her comments about her husband's acceptance and how prophetic her ending questions were.
76
@59:
Concerning point 3, the first letter appeared as a "Letter of the Day" just a few days ago. You've probably just been reading the weekly column, not the letters of the day.
@all:
Maybe we could take up a collection to stop Dan from using the Letters of the Day as material for Savage Love columns? I would definitely be thrilled to donate $100 to a worthy cause if I never again had to see a Letter of the Day reused.
Concerning point 3, the first letter appeared as a "Letter of the Day" just a few days ago. You've probably just been reading the weekly column, not the letters of the day.
@all:
Maybe we could take up a collection to stop Dan from using the Letters of the Day as material for Savage Love columns? I would definitely be thrilled to donate $100 to a worthy cause if I never again had to see a Letter of the Day reused.
77
I know I will be accused of rehashing the past, but for those readers who are frustrated by the lack of information in a letter, wished the LW would provide an update, or wished we knew how things worked out. A dedicated and very observant reader postulated that Dan posted a letter from PTSD in his March 6, 2008 column, which fits well with PTSD's time line. If true, it illustrates that things are not always as presented by the LW (duh, you think), one of the many problems in forcing an unwilling partner into a open marriage/relationship, the dangers of not providing your partner with what they need sexually and emotionally, and with perfect 20/20 hindsight, the tragic consequences that can sometimes result from following any advice columnist's advice or opinion. We also have the answer to the question Dan posed in his response. What's the worst that can happen? PTSD's husband (assuming again that its the same LW, oh why the hell not, every one else was making their own assumptions) at least would have been far better off if they had divorced two years ago.
I wonder if Dan would/could confirm or refute this.
Lastly, I am left wondering if PTSD's assailant is the man that she was talking about in that letter (once again assuming PTSD and TTFH are the same person). If so, I cringe at her comments about her husband's acceptance and how prophetic her ending questions were.
I wonder if Dan would/could confirm or refute this.
Lastly, I am left wondering if PTSD's assailant is the man that she was talking about in that letter (once again assuming PTSD and TTFH are the same person). If so, I cringe at her comments about her husband's acceptance and how prophetic her ending questions were.
78
I'm surprised nobody else picked up on the real absurdity of the "family first" idea.
#11 says that dad should dump the ex because the relationship makes another family member uncomfortable.
Really? You're saying this in a discussion about lesbian relationships, and divorcing a guy a family member liked? We demand the right to choose our own relationships, and the family has to deal with them. Ditto for this situation.
By that logic, the letter writer would never have been able to tell the truth and get into a relationship that had more personal integrity.
How many of us could be in LGBT relationships, if the rule is that nobody else in the family was ever uncomfortable about it?
#11 says that dad should dump the ex because the relationship makes another family member uncomfortable.
Really? You're saying this in a discussion about lesbian relationships, and divorcing a guy a family member liked? We demand the right to choose our own relationships, and the family has to deal with them. Ditto for this situation.
By that logic, the letter writer would never have been able to tell the truth and get into a relationship that had more personal integrity.
How many of us could be in LGBT relationships, if the rule is that nobody else in the family was ever uncomfortable about it?
79
Lymis, I am with you. #11 has a "Focus On the Family" feel to it! (without the gratuitous homo-hating) This woman would benefit from a healthy sense of humor about the whole thing - "even turning dyke on the guy didn't keep him from being at Thanksgiving, so I decided to keep him around to help out my dad" or something along those lines. If the husband had been abusive, that would be different. Life is too short to be "enraged" over who is friends with whom. And being "comfortable" is overrated.
As far as being squirted in the face and "playing" with semen? It smells and tastes like bleach, so a bit of squeamishness is not unusual. That sort of play often benefits from the woman having had many orgasms first.... just sayin'. I teach this all the time to folks - it's amazing what people will do after several mind-boggling orgasms. Negotiate terms outside of the bedroom beforehand - that helps a lot of folks.
As far as being squirted in the face and "playing" with semen? It smells and tastes like bleach, so a bit of squeamishness is not unusual. That sort of play often benefits from the woman having had many orgasms first.... just sayin'. I teach this all the time to folks - it's amazing what people will do after several mind-boggling orgasms. Negotiate terms outside of the bedroom beforehand - that helps a lot of folks.
81
Urban Dictionary my ass... should be called Urban Legend Dictionary. Comprised completely of bullshit sex acts dreamed up by pimply college boys. Look up Angry Pirate, Superman or Cincinnati Bowtie (the latter is misspelled, btw). And this is where kids are getting their sexual information.
Dan, you missed something here. Why does this young guy want his girl to perform Cirque de Soleil gymnastics with his spooge? Because he watches too much porn. In porn, evidence that the girl has gotten the guy off is required for the home viewer (in mainstream cinema, we all willingly suspend disbelief; I suppose porn viewers are a different lot). It's not enough to hear a climactic groan, we have to see him squirt. As a woman, I always thought that was weird. Doesn't it feel better to come inside a mouth, pussy or ass rather than backing up and sqirting at it at the peak of sensation? Does it really help the at-home pud-pounder get off to see the dude unload?
And now, even that's not enough. The porn industry has dreamed up some really creative and somewhat disgusting and often demaeaning ways for men to come on a woman. Does this happen in gay porn too? If so, I haven't seen it. Why is it thrilling to come on a woman's face? And what's up with the Bukake thing? Seems based on domination and humiliation to me.
It used to be a bonus if you could swallow. Now that's not good enough. Let's face it. It smells like Comet, doesn't taste too great either. Does she really have to wear it? Is this about being GGG, or about what she's willing to put up with?
Dan, you missed something here. Why does this young guy want his girl to perform Cirque de Soleil gymnastics with his spooge? Because he watches too much porn. In porn, evidence that the girl has gotten the guy off is required for the home viewer (in mainstream cinema, we all willingly suspend disbelief; I suppose porn viewers are a different lot). It's not enough to hear a climactic groan, we have to see him squirt. As a woman, I always thought that was weird. Doesn't it feel better to come inside a mouth, pussy or ass rather than backing up and sqirting at it at the peak of sensation? Does it really help the at-home pud-pounder get off to see the dude unload?
And now, even that's not enough. The porn industry has dreamed up some really creative and somewhat disgusting and often demaeaning ways for men to come on a woman. Does this happen in gay porn too? If so, I haven't seen it. Why is it thrilling to come on a woman's face? And what's up with the Bukake thing? Seems based on domination and humiliation to me.
It used to be a bonus if you could swallow. Now that's not good enough. Let's face it. It smells like Comet, doesn't taste too great either. Does she really have to wear it? Is this about being GGG, or about what she's willing to put up with?
82
#77, could you please provide us with a link to what may be a previous letter from PTSD, or directions for how to find it?
As for getting an answer to your question, you're more likely to receive a reply about your concern from Dan if you send him an e-mail.
As for getting an answer to your question, you're more likely to receive a reply about your concern from Dan if you send him an e-mail.
83
kazari (#59): Dan also posts "Letters of the Day" in his Savage Love blog:
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savag…
If you can deal with the fact that he reuses some of the daily letters in his weekly columns, you might want to give the blog a look-see. Dan Savage overload--yowza!
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savag…
If you can deal with the fact that he reuses some of the daily letters in his weekly columns, you might want to give the blog a look-see. Dan Savage overload--yowza!
84
Faced with the eventual repeal of the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy on gays in the military, a group of current and former Republican lawmakers introduced their own proposal on Wednesday whereby gays would be allowed to serve in the military as long as they provide graphic details about their encounters. They call it “Don’t Ask, DO Tell.”
Sen. David Vitter, (R-LA) said details of the troops’ sexual activities would be published and distributed among their fellow soldiers and the general public. He said it would benefit the troops by reducing the odds of them soliciting prostitutes or having their number wind up in the phone book of a Washington, D.C. Madam
.
“These troops might not be as lucky as me and have their use of prostitutes exposed after the statute of limitations has run out,” Vitter said. “I’m only thinking of them, and that reading material. I really hope they’re into some freaky stuff in the military.”
(continued…)
http://www.thechicagodope.com/2010/10/27…
Sen. David Vitter, (R-LA) said details of the troops’ sexual activities would be published and distributed among their fellow soldiers and the general public. He said it would benefit the troops by reducing the odds of them soliciting prostitutes or having their number wind up in the phone book of a Washington, D.C. Madam
.
“These troops might not be as lucky as me and have their use of prostitutes exposed after the statute of limitations has run out,” Vitter said. “I’m only thinking of them, and that reading material. I really hope they’re into some freaky stuff in the military.”
(continued…)
http://www.thechicagodope.com/2010/10/27…
85
The most important thing you can do for MARRIAGE EQUALITY is to vote AGAINST Steve Cooley on Nov 2. To learn more, see www.NotCooley.com. Or, check out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGPWDgQ7t…
86
Y'all are some seriously bitchy dudes and queens for reaming Dan out for this service he provides week in and week out to those who don't have immediate access to sex-positive advice. I am so sad that you could even think of dissing him when the good he has done in the world far outweighs even 1/100th of you! He saved my sis's marriage, for one. He's saving LGBT's lives for two, and YEAH, maybe he's got a lot going on right now! Have some f'in compassion and gratefulness!
87
@81
There are multiple possible explanations for this. The simplest is "it's because it's in porn, and it's demeaning, and it's something which makes the woman submissive", but that seems to focus entirely on the woman's experience with cum. It's about what the woman feels about it, and the presumable male reaction to that.
Here's my thing: it's not all about the woman. Yes, there are probably some men who want to see women degrade themselves, and if they can find a woman who's into that more power to them both, but I can't imagine that's the most common rationale.
I'd wager that most men who want their wifes/girlfriends/flings to do something really out-there with their cum are more turned-on by the thought that she likes it than the thought that she doesn't. That is to say: he wants to see her accepting this (usually not-well-received) part of him, and enjoying it so much that she plays with it. It makes him feel desired.
There are multiple possible explanations for this. The simplest is "it's because it's in porn, and it's demeaning, and it's something which makes the woman submissive", but that seems to focus entirely on the woman's experience with cum. It's about what the woman feels about it, and the presumable male reaction to that.
Here's my thing: it's not all about the woman. Yes, there are probably some men who want to see women degrade themselves, and if they can find a woman who's into that more power to them both, but I can't imagine that's the most common rationale.
I'd wager that most men who want their wifes/girlfriends/flings to do something really out-there with their cum are more turned-on by the thought that she likes it than the thought that she doesn't. That is to say: he wants to see her accepting this (usually not-well-received) part of him, and enjoying it so much that she plays with it. It makes him feel desired.
89
come 'on Dan, it's not the husbands fault in this case. He thought he was getting a hetero that turned out be homo. That's fine, but not husbands fault over "society's internalized homophobia". Her fault.Period. She needs to get over the fact that her Dad and ex have a good relationship and focus on her real love......or is she having doubts now........
90
@82 go to the Savage Love Archives in the middle column above. Click on MORE IN THE ARCHIVES. Scroll down to the March 6, 2008 column Open It, Already. Its the first letter written by TTHF.
If the supposition is true about the writers being the same person, it would explain a lot about Dan's response which many thought to overly harsh. Perhaps a guilty conscience about what happened and is happening?
If the supposition is true about the writers being the same person, it would explain a lot about Dan's response which many thought to overly harsh. Perhaps a guilty conscience about what happened and is happening?
91
ALD is a total bitch. If her husband abused her, cheated on her, asked for the divorce, etc. then she should totally expect her dad to cut ties.
But the divorce was HER fault (sorry Dan, in the 21st century "internalized homophobia due to society" is no excuse). And if she is on good terms with her ex, then what's the problem with dad's relationship with him?
But the divorce was HER fault (sorry Dan, in the 21st century "internalized homophobia due to society" is no excuse). And if she is on good terms with her ex, then what's the problem with dad's relationship with him?
92
I think that ALD feels guilty about the divorce and so having her father friendly with the ex makes her feel defensive.
If she can work through her guilt, let it go, shrug it off, or make amends or whatever she needs to do, the situation might stop bothering her.
But, right now I think she's projecting her guilt onto her dad -- she feels bad and she's looked around for the person who is causing those feelings, and her dad is convenient, and maybe there is some history there which might make it easy for her to be mad at him.
I don't think she's a villain. But she is also being irrational.
If she can work through her guilt, let it go, shrug it off, or make amends or whatever she needs to do, the situation might stop bothering her.
But, right now I think she's projecting her guilt onto her dad -- she feels bad and she's looked around for the person who is causing those feelings, and her dad is convenient, and maybe there is some history there which might make it easy for her to be mad at him.
I don't think she's a villain. But she is also being irrational.
93
I have to add my 2 cents worth: if ALD's Dad is telling the ex things about her (his daughter), then i can see why she is upset.
In my life, my ex gleens information from my siblings with whom he still has contact, and they seem only too eager to supply him with information on my life, my children, and my husband. I have no idea what the deal is, but it is none of the ex's business what i am doing 2 decades after the divorce was granted, yet he persists in digging and/or they happily and ignorantly give up my personal info and he's getting his jollies by knowing things about me that he otherwise wouldn't or shouldn't know. It's just sickening. What my siblings refuse to believe is that this sick-o thinks we will be reunited in death, when we get to heaven - he told me so when i was packing and leaving. I've tried to tell my siblings, but their pat answer is that i'm over-reacting.
Then when we did happen to cross paths a few years ago, MANY years after being settled into our current lives, he dumps all the info on me about me that my family has supplied to him. As if to rub it in my face, or to prove to me that he has kept track of me and knows everything about me. Just creepy. A jackass creep, just like i remembered him to be. Leopards do not change their spots.
My family (and i use that term loosely) obviously does not respect me when they persist in giving out info on me to my ex. I wish people could put themselves in others' shoes. Wow, would the world be a better place, if only. So that saying about blood being thicker than water?... it's exactly that, a saying, nothing more, nothing less. More like an old wive's tale.
In my life, my ex gleens information from my siblings with whom he still has contact, and they seem only too eager to supply him with information on my life, my children, and my husband. I have no idea what the deal is, but it is none of the ex's business what i am doing 2 decades after the divorce was granted, yet he persists in digging and/or they happily and ignorantly give up my personal info and he's getting his jollies by knowing things about me that he otherwise wouldn't or shouldn't know. It's just sickening. What my siblings refuse to believe is that this sick-o thinks we will be reunited in death, when we get to heaven - he told me so when i was packing and leaving. I've tried to tell my siblings, but their pat answer is that i'm over-reacting.
Then when we did happen to cross paths a few years ago, MANY years after being settled into our current lives, he dumps all the info on me about me that my family has supplied to him. As if to rub it in my face, or to prove to me that he has kept track of me and knows everything about me. Just creepy. A jackass creep, just like i remembered him to be. Leopards do not change their spots.
My family (and i use that term loosely) obviously does not respect me when they persist in giving out info on me to my ex. I wish people could put themselves in others' shoes. Wow, would the world be a better place, if only. So that saying about blood being thicker than water?... it's exactly that, a saying, nothing more, nothing less. More like an old wive's tale.
94
@77 After reading TTFH's letter, I don't think that she is the same person as PTSD. Yes the timeframe is the same, but PTSD says that "Up until five months ago, it was working beautifully". I personally doubt that an open marriage would work beautifully for nearly two years if the husband was unwilling in the beginning. Also, TTFH mentioned that she had a kid, and this is more of a stretch, but I would think PTSD might've brought up the kid in terms of how he/she would play into the whole trauma/marriage dynamic.
95
#90/77 You need to get over yourself. You're on here drawing conclusions on one of last week's letters, assuming Dan magically knows that last weeks writer wrote him two years ago when he probably get's thousands of letters and all of them are written in assumed names. Honestly drop the Nancy Drew act.
Second, it isn't Dan's fault that LW's marriage is in trouble. Part of LW's behavior is at fault as Dan pointed out. But mostly it's a sad consequence of an assault that we have very little info on that just as well could have happened even if LW didn't have an open marriage which you seem to be suggesting is the sole cause of the assualt in the first place. He probably was harsh because he thought she needed a wake up call that the people around her couldn't provide due to them being with her after the traumatizing assault. And BTW, Dan isn't fucking God (though he is the Sex Messiah), so don't start dumping other people's retarted/self-distructive behavior on his lap. He gave TTHF sensible advice, but it was up to her to make it or break it. Same with LW.
I think you have a problem with open marriages, if so please stop trying to push your agenda on one of the few pro-sex havens we have and go read Prudie or Dear Abby. If not, please feel free to set me straight.
BUT MOST OF ALL
Leave Dan Savage the fuck out of this, he has bigger fish to fry than whiney conspiracy toting prunes.
Second, it isn't Dan's fault that LW's marriage is in trouble. Part of LW's behavior is at fault as Dan pointed out. But mostly it's a sad consequence of an assault that we have very little info on that just as well could have happened even if LW didn't have an open marriage which you seem to be suggesting is the sole cause of the assualt in the first place. He probably was harsh because he thought she needed a wake up call that the people around her couldn't provide due to them being with her after the traumatizing assault. And BTW, Dan isn't fucking God (though he is the Sex Messiah), so don't start dumping other people's retarted/self-distructive behavior on his lap. He gave TTHF sensible advice, but it was up to her to make it or break it. Same with LW.
I think you have a problem with open marriages, if so please stop trying to push your agenda on one of the few pro-sex havens we have and go read Prudie or Dear Abby. If not, please feel free to set me straight.
BUT MOST OF ALL
Leave Dan Savage the fuck out of this, he has bigger fish to fry than whiney conspiracy toting prunes.
96
Dan, I've just found something juicy about O'Donnell's cougar-style fling with a 25 y.o. dude in Philly 3 years ago on Halloween.
http://gawker.com/5674353/i-had-a-one+ni…
http://gawker.com/5674353/i-had-a-one+ni…
97
Dan, I've just found something juicy about O'Donnell's cougar-style fling with a 25 y.o. dude in Philly 3 years ago on Halloween.
http://gawker.com/5674353/i-had-a-one+ni…
http://gawker.com/5674353/i-had-a-one+ni…
98
O'Donnell's fling with a 25 y.o. Philly dude 3 years ago on Halloween. Our "anti-fapping" "hero"
http://gawker.com/5674353/i-had-a-one+ni…
http://gawker.com/5674353/i-had-a-one+ni…
99
I can understand wanting your friends/family/etc to take your side in a break up when you have a side. But this lady doesn't. SHe married a man who was nice enough, so nice that she's still friends with him, then she dumped him for having a penis. Now she wants this guy to not only have lost a wife but also a friend because somehow she is the only one who is able to remain friends with him. Her father must only associate with people she approves of. Well too bad. Her dad is a human person all on his own and can be friends with whoever he wants. The ex didn't cheat on her, beat her, run through her savings and then disappear. He just wasn't a girl. There's no side to be taken at all and it's petty and selfish of this chick to demand her father invent one to appease her.
100
ALD really needs to get over herself and realize that the world does not revolve around her. She should be happy that they have maintained a friendship (if neither are being jerks about it and nothing in the letter says they are). She could have an angry ex who wants to ruin her life, grow up and be more accepting.
101
@95 I see that you just registered at 1:05 AM on October 29, 2010. So I will be charitable and assume that you are new to this site and haven't been posting under some other registered name (possibly kaloi). Then again you, like me, may be a long time reader who hasn't felt the need to post before, but I kind of doubt it. So I assume you are unfamiliar with how this site works. There is often carryover from one or more previous columns and this includes Dan himself, particularly when clarification is needed or when relevant new information is obtained. Other posters carryover agendas and themes forever, ad nausem.
At 90 I was primarily responding to a specific request for information from another poster. At 77 I was referencing a late post from the previous column that appears to provide answers to several things that troubled many posters among them: Why was the LW so conflicted about her assailant? Why did she react so negatively to sex with husband and not the BF?
You obviously don't know what a rhetorical question is and therefore can't recognize one when you see one. If I wanted or expected a response from Dan Savage I would have sent him an e-mail.
By the way the word is retarded not retarted. Although there are posters who would be offended by use of that word and have said so in no uncertain terms. Edit your comments for errors or learn to spell or to use spellcheck.
As to whether I believe that the assault would never have occured if the marriage had remained closed is irrelevant. On some level the wife apparently does and rightly blames the husband for it, which combined with lingering bitterness over his unwillingness to be more GGG (look it up if you don't know what that means) and fulfill her sexual/emotional needs (He was an idiot and a damn fool).
As to open marriages/relationships, I have no problem with them as long as they are voluntary and mutual agreed upon with both partners actively participating. It will be a disaster otherwise. I do have a problem with coercive and manipulative behavior. The wife should have divorced her husband rather than force him to accept an open marriage that appears to have made him miserable. It would have been kinder and better for both in the long run.
Lastly, this is Dan Savage's job and the source of what influence he has to fry his bigger fish. He will start to lose his readers/audience the moment he doesn't take it seriously and become marginalized as he loses that influence. He is not Anderson Vanderbilt Cooper. What would Oprah have been without her syndicated talk show? Although he is unlikely to obtain the status, power,and influence of Oprah.
Well I've wasted more than enough of my time responding to you.
May you live long and prosper.
More...
At 90 I was primarily responding to a specific request for information from another poster. At 77 I was referencing a late post from the previous column that appears to provide answers to several things that troubled many posters among them: Why was the LW so conflicted about her assailant? Why did she react so negatively to sex with husband and not the BF?
You obviously don't know what a rhetorical question is and therefore can't recognize one when you see one. If I wanted or expected a response from Dan Savage I would have sent him an e-mail.
By the way the word is retarded not retarted. Although there are posters who would be offended by use of that word and have said so in no uncertain terms. Edit your comments for errors or learn to spell or to use spellcheck.
As to whether I believe that the assault would never have occured if the marriage had remained closed is irrelevant. On some level the wife apparently does and rightly blames the husband for it, which combined with lingering bitterness over his unwillingness to be more GGG (look it up if you don't know what that means) and fulfill her sexual/emotional needs (He was an idiot and a damn fool).
As to open marriages/relationships, I have no problem with them as long as they are voluntary and mutual agreed upon with both partners actively participating. It will be a disaster otherwise. I do have a problem with coercive and manipulative behavior. The wife should have divorced her husband rather than force him to accept an open marriage that appears to have made him miserable. It would have been kinder and better for both in the long run.
Lastly, this is Dan Savage's job and the source of what influence he has to fry his bigger fish. He will start to lose his readers/audience the moment he doesn't take it seriously and become marginalized as he loses that influence. He is not Anderson Vanderbilt Cooper. What would Oprah have been without her syndicated talk show? Although he is unlikely to obtain the status, power,and influence of Oprah.
Well I've wasted more than enough of my time responding to you.
May you live long and prosper.
102
I'd like to add one more thing to Dan's advice to ALD:
You need therapy, my dear. You still have unresolved issues with childhood or your Dad etc. that are GETTING IN THE WAY OF YOUR HAPPINESS/PEACE OF MIND (huge red flag here). By your own admission you got divorced because you realized you were gay, which really had nothing at all to do with your husband. Also, by your own admission you're still friendly with your him. So what exactly is the problem here?
You're a grown woman, not a junior-high school girl. Something isn't right here. Either there's more to this story as in something you're not telling Dan or you need help to figure out why this situation makes you so "angry".
You need therapy, my dear. You still have unresolved issues with childhood or your Dad etc. that are GETTING IN THE WAY OF YOUR HAPPINESS/PEACE OF MIND (huge red flag here). By your own admission you got divorced because you realized you were gay, which really had nothing at all to do with your husband. Also, by your own admission you're still friendly with your him. So what exactly is the problem here?
You're a grown woman, not a junior-high school girl. Something isn't right here. Either there's more to this story as in something you're not telling Dan or you need help to figure out why this situation makes you so "angry".
104
To slidebone [11],
"Blood relationships outweigh all others."
Where are you from, West Virginia?
Good catch, idaho.
"Blood relationships outweigh all others."
Where are you from, West Virginia?
Good catch, idaho.
106
@11
"Blood relationships outweigh all others. Out of loyalty to the daughter, the Dad should end the friendship with the son-in-law."
By your logic, the daughter should have stayed in her marriage. After all, her dad gets along wonderfully with ex, and apparently had some problems adjusting to his daughter's sexuality. Out of loyalty to him, shouldn't she have stayed with the relationship that made her dad happiest?
ALD's dad showed his daughter loyalty and respect by not trying to enforce his preferences on her relationships. ADL needs to show her dad the same loyalty and respect, and let him pick who he associates with.
"Blood relationships outweigh all others. Out of loyalty to the daughter, the Dad should end the friendship with the son-in-law."
By your logic, the daughter should have stayed in her marriage. After all, her dad gets along wonderfully with ex, and apparently had some problems adjusting to his daughter's sexuality. Out of loyalty to him, shouldn't she have stayed with the relationship that made her dad happiest?
ALD's dad showed his daughter loyalty and respect by not trying to enforce his preferences on her relationships. ADL needs to show her dad the same loyalty and respect, and let him pick who he associates with.
107
If FC *does want to try (it has been well covered that she doesn't have to), how about a blindfold or ski mask or saran wrap with holes for breathing? Figure out which part squicks you and try to avoid that part.
108
Okay Dan, so clearly your brain is able to comprehend the idea of a person being both a victim and a perpetrator, since you so gently reminded ALD that she was a victim of homophobia AND still guilty of being kind of bitchy with her dad... and yet you failed to see this duality at play in the case of PTSD? Not only that, you quite savagely (sorry for the bad pun, but it's true) berated a rape victim of being selfish because she doesn't want to have sex. Bravo. For someone who so arduously works to end bullying, you might want to look in the mirror every once in a while.
109
This is my 2nd time commenting on ANY forum-my 1st time was this morning at about 2- so please bear with me if I suck. Speaking of sucking, I LOOOVE giving head, but this is the 2nd cum-related topic I've read here where I'm led to believe I'm one of the few people who don't swallow.(I pull my face away & jerk them off on my face, hair etc). I hate the taste/consistency of (mens')cum, & only swallowed when I was younger ie, before I had "found my voice" & felt comfortable stating my likes/dislikes.That said, I almost wish I could go back to the time when I ignored how disgusting it is-yep, bleach-& swallowed it anyway, because I guess it would be more GGG.However, I am glad that I'm realistic enough to know that once a man has HAD HIS FUCKING ORGASM(due to my superior & enthusiastic oral techniques),he should just STFU.I'm not referring to my husband;I'm addressing all the idiots out there, who maybe give a woman 2-3 min. of digital/oral stimulation & then sit back & invent stupid things for her to do for their visual entertainment.Just stating my opinion, although #79 & #81 each did EXCELLENT jobs of speaking my mind for me. Also, with the exception of #11, ITA with most posts re: ALD, the petty bitch.
110
This is my 2nd time commenting on ANY forum-my 1st time was this morning at about 2- so please bear with me if I suck. Speaking of sucking, I LOOOVE giving head, but this is the 2nd cum-related topic I've read here where I'm led to believe I'm one of the few people who don't swallow.(I pull my face away & jerk them off on my face, hair etc). I hate the taste/consistency of (mens')cum, & only swallowed when I was younger ie, before I had "found my voice" & felt comfortable stating my likes/dislikes.That said, I almost wish I could go back to the time when I ignored how disgusting it is-yep, bleach-& swallowed it anyway, because I guess it would be more GGG.However, I am glad that I'm realistic enough to know that once a man has HAD HIS FUCKING ORGASM(due to my superior & enthusiastic oral techniques),he should just STFU.I'm not referring to my husband;I'm addressing all the idiots out there, who maybe give a woman 2-3 min. of digital/oral stimulation & then sit back & invent stupid things for her to do for their visual entertainment.Just stating my opinion, although #79 & #81 each did EXCELLENT jobs of speaking my mind for me. Also, with the exception of #11, ITA with most posts re: ALD, the petty bitch.
111
@110:
If you're really uncomfortable swallowing, you don't have to, of course (though it's a nice thing to do for a partner sometimes, and you can work up to it).
However, it's not at all fair or accurate to say that a man (or woman for that matter) should just STFU after coming. Sex isn't just about orgasm. People can care about other things than their orgasms, and after coming, sometimes what your partner does can make a big difference.
If you're really uncomfortable swallowing, you don't have to, of course (though it's a nice thing to do for a partner sometimes, and you can work up to it).
However, it's not at all fair or accurate to say that a man (or woman for that matter) should just STFU after coming. Sex isn't just about orgasm. People can care about other things than their orgasms, and after coming, sometimes what your partner does can make a big difference.
112
I agree with many of the complainers complaining about the complainers. If you don't like the column, stop reading it. Pretty simple. Or do what I have resorted to - because I have listened to all lovecasts twice, I got desperate and downloaded Dr. Drew's sex-negative, judgemental, vanilla, unimaginative, conservative loveline shows. And those were the good ones! Get it?? Leave my guru alone, he's a busy man!
113
"Batshit crazy"...apparently the apple didn't fall from the tree. As for "family first", I totally agree but not in the way the poster who used it intended. This is a forum filled with gays and lesbians who make their own families, sometimes because the one they inherit have rejected them. Seems that Dad understands this better than Batshit because he remains loyal to the family *she* created. The original poster suffers from the homophobic intolerance if s/he thinks family means blood.
114
Letter 1 is a shining example of how heterosexual porn has gone from being two people or more having sex and everyone having a good time to just about every porn movie following a script where the woman NEVER gets off.
I've stopped watching hetero porn - as I've noticed alot of straight women on this site have also done - because it just teaches impressionable young men (boys) to degrade women, degrade women and to degrade women some more. I watch quite a bit of porn and the amount of times I've seen the look of frustration on the faces of the women because they weren't getting anything out of it at all is pitiful. In fact, the films follow a weird script of: man licks for a milisecond on pussy, shoves it in, furiously fucks a bored looking woman who is also reading off the "ooooh, baby, yeah, fuck that pussy, yeah" script and then she sucks his dick and he shoots all over her face and she has the universal look of disgust and "grimacing" on her face as she does it.
There was a time when the scenes ended when the woman got off because it can be so erotic to hear the sounds of an actual orgasm from a woman but now, it's just about the cock squirting and the woman being degraded.
It is weird and I look forward to the day when this "trend" moves on and people get back to making films where people are actually enjoying sex. That's the other thing, if you watch some of the actresses in films, you usually find that when they are first starting out, they are enthusiastic and enjoy the sex because they are, well, enjoying it but after a few films, they are just going through the motions.
I watch films by Viv Thomas (lesbian mostly for me even though I am hetero) and I would estimate that out of 100 films, only 5-10 do not have real orgasms.
The other reason it will be nice when the trend for this robotic penis centric to the detriment of the woman's orgasm ends is that there is a generation of men who actually think that a woman screaming at the top of her lungs while having some guy pound her and NO clitoral stimulation is an actual orgasm. I was watching a site and some guy had made a video compilation of "female orgasms" which contained snippets of women just doing that screaming thing (faking it or the enjoyable, sometimes, build-up to actually getting near the orgasm) but did not contain ANY actual orgasms. It is disturbing that these young (I hope) men are being taught that just drilling another is going to get a woman to "that place." Alas, people have been having sex since we arrived on this planet and there will always be selfish people but it will be nice when we move to a more enlightened time where actual SEX is being filmed and not cookie-cutter images of women being degraded which appeal to young boys (like video games and not really for grown ups) and young women are neglected. A lot of these movies are American as well and I would love to see if anyone has written any papers on the whole militarised, shoot-'em up society of America and the prevalence of violent, hateful to women porn that is so common nowadays.
I often search for the "retro porn" just because I have memories of some pretty hot scenes played out where the women in the films DID have power because they were getting off on what was happening and not this silly thing which is also common now where some drugged out, fake tittied, big arsed, aggressive woman is shouting, "EAT THAT PUSSY!!!!!" Sure, that may have been a novel scene once, twice, three times but now it shows up in EVERY film and it's just stupid.
Also, I've seen a post on these threads about a certain scene that others have mentioned as well which involves a 69 with one of the people being fucked.
I have looked for this scene over and over and it just isn't being filmed anymore BUT I do recall the scene appearing in 70's porn - back when folks still enjoyed actually watching sex. Ha, ha, ha, ha... I watched a scene last week which I thought was heading in that direction but ended up being one woman sitting on a cock and the other woman leaned down to put tongue on clit but that lasted about a milisecond which is part and parcel for the porn being churned out nowadays. Yet, I remember seeing a film back in the 80's which consisted of some folks in a bar where a guy was stretched across a bar and a woman was squatted on top of his cock and a black lady had her tongue on his cock and was alternating between licking the shaft and eating the pussy. That was pretty hot. Porn today is just lazy.
Come on! It takes longer than a fraction of a second to eat pussy AND there are VERY FEW women who actually enjoy having a face full of spunk, ESPECIALLY when the guy has done nothing else to GET HER OFF.
Ok, I'm done but I will be laughing to myself if someone else reads this because I know it's been a few months since this thread went live.
I think the world of porn critiquing might be my calling.....
More...
I've stopped watching hetero porn - as I've noticed alot of straight women on this site have also done - because it just teaches impressionable young men (boys) to degrade women, degrade women and to degrade women some more. I watch quite a bit of porn and the amount of times I've seen the look of frustration on the faces of the women because they weren't getting anything out of it at all is pitiful. In fact, the films follow a weird script of: man licks for a milisecond on pussy, shoves it in, furiously fucks a bored looking woman who is also reading off the "ooooh, baby, yeah, fuck that pussy, yeah" script and then she sucks his dick and he shoots all over her face and she has the universal look of disgust and "grimacing" on her face as she does it.
There was a time when the scenes ended when the woman got off because it can be so erotic to hear the sounds of an actual orgasm from a woman but now, it's just about the cock squirting and the woman being degraded.
It is weird and I look forward to the day when this "trend" moves on and people get back to making films where people are actually enjoying sex. That's the other thing, if you watch some of the actresses in films, you usually find that when they are first starting out, they are enthusiastic and enjoy the sex because they are, well, enjoying it but after a few films, they are just going through the motions.
I watch films by Viv Thomas (lesbian mostly for me even though I am hetero) and I would estimate that out of 100 films, only 5-10 do not have real orgasms.
The other reason it will be nice when the trend for this robotic penis centric to the detriment of the woman's orgasm ends is that there is a generation of men who actually think that a woman screaming at the top of her lungs while having some guy pound her and NO clitoral stimulation is an actual orgasm. I was watching a site and some guy had made a video compilation of "female orgasms" which contained snippets of women just doing that screaming thing (faking it or the enjoyable, sometimes, build-up to actually getting near the orgasm) but did not contain ANY actual orgasms. It is disturbing that these young (I hope) men are being taught that just drilling another is going to get a woman to "that place." Alas, people have been having sex since we arrived on this planet and there will always be selfish people but it will be nice when we move to a more enlightened time where actual SEX is being filmed and not cookie-cutter images of women being degraded which appeal to young boys (like video games and not really for grown ups) and young women are neglected. A lot of these movies are American as well and I would love to see if anyone has written any papers on the whole militarised, shoot-'em up society of America and the prevalence of violent, hateful to women porn that is so common nowadays.
I often search for the "retro porn" just because I have memories of some pretty hot scenes played out where the women in the films DID have power because they were getting off on what was happening and not this silly thing which is also common now where some drugged out, fake tittied, big arsed, aggressive woman is shouting, "EAT THAT PUSSY!!!!!" Sure, that may have been a novel scene once, twice, three times but now it shows up in EVERY film and it's just stupid.
Also, I've seen a post on these threads about a certain scene that others have mentioned as well which involves a 69 with one of the people being fucked.
I have looked for this scene over and over and it just isn't being filmed anymore BUT I do recall the scene appearing in 70's porn - back when folks still enjoyed actually watching sex. Ha, ha, ha, ha... I watched a scene last week which I thought was heading in that direction but ended up being one woman sitting on a cock and the other woman leaned down to put tongue on clit but that lasted about a milisecond which is part and parcel for the porn being churned out nowadays. Yet, I remember seeing a film back in the 80's which consisted of some folks in a bar where a guy was stretched across a bar and a woman was squatted on top of his cock and a black lady had her tongue on his cock and was alternating between licking the shaft and eating the pussy. That was pretty hot. Porn today is just lazy.
Come on! It takes longer than a fraction of a second to eat pussy AND there are VERY FEW women who actually enjoy having a face full of spunk, ESPECIALLY when the guy has done nothing else to GET HER OFF.
Ok, I'm done but I will be laughing to myself if someone else reads this because I know it's been a few months since this thread went live.
I think the world of porn critiquing might be my calling.....
115
While I understand why a guy would find getting an "oral creampie" cool from a visual standpoint, what they don't realize is that it also requires the oral equivalent of pulling out. I'm pretty sure most guys would like to come inside their girlfriends whenever possible, so when given the opportunity to have a similar experience in their girlfriend's mouth, and not have the flow of their orgasm interrupted by their girlfriend stopping in order to let the cum be seen, I don't understand why they wouldn't jump on the opportunity.
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