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Lez Be Friends

April 3, 2008

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Joe Newton

I am a 28-year-old straight girl two years into my first marriage. New job, new home, and new city 1,200 miles from my closest friends. It was really lonely at first, not knowing anyone nearby. Plus, Hubby is far less social than I am, and has not gone out of his way to help us make any friends to hang out with. He's happiest at home on the couch, in front of a good movie, which is how we spend a lot of our time.

Adding to that is the fact that Hubby is now working late nights. I've spent a lot of lonely Fridays and Saturdays at home. A hot bath coupled with a good book is fun only so often before it becomes pathetic. Enter Elaine. She's my running/workout buddy, my wine-bar buddy, and happens to be a lesbian. She recently split with her partner of eight years, and as a result, we've been going out a lot more often.

Hubby is not happy. He feels threatened by Elaine's lesbianness, and equates it to me hanging out with a single straight guy. I did have a couple of straight-but-drunk escapades with women WAY back in college (Hubby knows), but I am not gay, not interested, and NOT A CHEATER. Plus, Elaine has never once come on to me, nor has she said/done anything that hinted at an other-than-friendly relationship. How can I convince Hubby that my friendship with Elaine is platonic and nonthreatening? She's the only friend I have.

Sick Of Being Home Alone

It might help, SOBHA, if you didn't use inelegant phrases like "two years into my first marriage," unless you mean to imply that second, third, or fourth marriages are in your future. If I ran around introducing my boyfriend to people as "my current boyfriend" it might give him a complex, too. Just sayin'.

Here's how you set your husband at ease about Elaine: Keep doing what you're doing—all of you. You get to hang out with Elaine, which is within your rights (married people are allowed to have friends and nights out); he gets to grumble about it, which is within his rights (married people are allowed to have feelings and insecurities). Only the passage of time—along with regularly offered reassurances, your acquisition of other friends, and Elaine's eventual acquisition of a new girlfriend—will convince your husband that Elaine's intentions toward you are merely friendly, and that you're not itching to eat pussy for old time's sake.

It would also help if your husband spent some time hanging out with you and Elaine. Invite her over for one of those on-the-couch movie nights. And if Elaine isn't willing to hang out with your husband—if she's not willing to do what she can to set him at ease—then your husband's suspicions about her intentions may not be entirely irrational.

Recently I brought up the idea of adding a little kink to my boyfriend's and my sex life. Nothing extreme—just some light bondage and some toys. A simple "No, I'm not interested" I would understand, but he freaked the fuck out. He got angry, saying that he didn't know I was a "freak who was into sick shit." The next day he called me like nothing had happened and I've been hesitant to bring it up ever since. We have been dating for a few months, and he seemed like a nice guy, not some sexually conservative nut job. I don't know what caused his freak-out and I don't know whether I should head for the hills or what.

Slightly Kinky Lady

What caused his freak-out? Dunno. Your boyfriend could be insecure or repressed or uninterested in kink. And any or all of that would be fine, SKL, and something you might be able to work with or around, if your boyfriend were capable of discussing his insecurities, repression, and/or disinterest without resorting to sexual shaming and emotional abuse. While I would never advise someone to run from a good, decent, vanilla boyfriend, that is precisely what I would advise someone whose boyfriend resorts to emotional abuse to shut down a conversation about the sex life he shares with his girlfriend—that's shares, not owns.

But before you head for the hills, SKL, give the asshole a chance to redeem himself. Perhaps he feels bad about freaking out and is too embarrassed, ashamed, or clueless to broach the subject. So sit him down and say exactly this—yes, memorize it—to him: "What you did to me the other night was abusive and unfair. Lovers should be able to talk openly about their sexual interests. So let's try it again: I'm interested in some light kink. If you're not, that's cool. But there's nothing wrong with me. If you're not willing to meet my needs, or if you feel that my kinks give you the right to treat me like shit, then there's something wrong with you."

If he apologizes and promises to make amends (and pick up some rope), you can keep seeing him. If he blows up again, SKL, DTMFA.

My (now ex-) husband loved to fantasize about me fucking other men. At first I was repulsed, but he kept at it and eventually I started indulging his fantasies by making up stories to tell him while we were having sex. Eventually this led to my husband asking if we could have threesomes with other people so he could watch me getting fucked for real. We did this a few times.

I eventually had a couple of affairs that I didn't tell him about. Of course he found out and now he's divorcing me. I feel terrible about what I did, but I can't help but wonder if his need to see me with other men and my subsequent feelings of inadequacy (and my need to be with a man who just wanted me) contributed to my affairs. Now I am terrified to get into another relationship. I don't want to wind up with someone who has fantasies like this again.

All Screwed Up About Sex

If the marriage of a cuckold fetishist and his adulterous wife can't survive a routine infidelity then, jeez, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Look, ASUAS, your fears are understandable after what you've been through/been put through/put your soon-to-be ex-husband through. But your odds of winding up with another cuckold fetishist? Pretty slim. Your ex-husband's kink may be enjoying its 15 minutes, but it isn't all that common.

Dan! Everyone has an opinion, but you're the one with the advice column. So stop printing goddamn response letters from readers every other week.

Quit It Already

You're right, QIA—I've been running way too many goddamn response letters from my goddamn opinionated readers. It's almost as if some of my goddamn readers think they know more about putting together a goddamn advice column than I do. Christ, the nerve of some goddamn people, huh?

Speaking of goddamn response letters: Tons of my goddamn readers wanted to share their goddamn opinions with IMHB, the man whose wife declined to get reconstructive surgery/new boobs after losing both her breasts to cancer. You can read their goddamn response letters at recommended

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SlimJimPoisson 1
After reading all of Dan's archived columns in chronological order I decided to post some comments along the way. For some reason more recently I have found myself posting on almost every one. I like crafting these replies that will live in obscurity with maybe ten people reading them in the future. Regardless, I hope I am not boring you.

I am writing this time in reference to SOBHA. In my 19-year-marriage I had to protect my marriage from the affections of a lesbian. I say this with tongue in cheek because I never felt threatened by her. Partly because I knew my wife was seriously straight, partly because Katy was not my wife's type (just not pretty/girly enough). It also helped that Katy was upfront about her attraction with me. I was cool with it and we got along as well as a lesbian and a straight guy can.

As a side note, Katy was one of three lesbians in my life who have told me that they have never slept with a guy, but that if they did then they would want to sleep with me. Is that some line that lesbians say to all guys? I truly never hit on her or any of the others. I was always friendly and honest like I try to be with all people in my life. Lesbians are not on my fetish list and none of the offers came from women I found attractive, but it was a nice compliment, even if it's complete bullshit.

Anyway, while I was fine with it Katy's girlfriend on the other hand, was not and was not quiet about that either.

I would like to say to anyone in this situation to trust your instincts. If it smells like fish, it's probably not bologna.
Posted by SlimJimPoisson on November 14, 2011 at 7:38 AM · Report this
I am beginning to find you a little tedious, yes. It took a few years worth of archives though, if that's reassuring at all?
Posted by Isabellend on September 21, 2012 at 5:40 AM · Report this
You are beginning to grate somewhat, yes.
Posted by Isabellend on September 21, 2012 at 5:53 AM · Report this
I can't really believe that SlimJim ever found someone willing to sleep with him.
Posted by EmilyK on December 30, 2012 at 3:46 PM · Report this
Omg, yes! It is a comment page, not your own advice column. Besides, if it was I wouldn't read it. Long winded, know it all, pseudo intellectual ramblings of one who needs to get a life.
Posted by Radish Hi on April 28, 2013 at 11:10 PM · Report this
Unlike Isabellend it did not take me that long at all. Then again the first one I noticed was ignorantly and disgustingly passing the blame onto a rape victem who needed hospitalization, suggesting she might have avoided her trauma by using a safe word. That sort of soured me to any other two cents this guy has to offer up.
Posted by Radish Hi on April 28, 2013 at 11:21 PM · Report this

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