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How'd That Happen?!

March 25, 1999

Mr. Savage is on vacation this week. Enjoy this column from April 1865, just after Lincoln was shot -- part of our "Savage Classics" collection!

My girlfriend and I only see each other on weekends. To overcome the overwhelming desire to jerk off during the week, I have discovered that I get great pleasure urinating on myself. I don't know how this happened--one morning I just did it.

About an hour after drinking a lot of water, I lay down in the bathtub. When I can't hold it anymore, I direct a clear stream of urine all over my body. Then I pull my briefs back up and soak them. I keep my eyes closed--but do I need to worry about any long-term effects on my hair or skin? Is there anything wrong with me? My girlfriend knows nothing about this. I have no intention of telling her, and I don't want to be urinated on by anyone else.

Wet

We get a lot of letters here at Savage Labs. While every letter is unique, and everyone's dumb-ass problem is compelling in its own very special way, patterns do emerge, and Wet's letter is a good example of a certain type of letter we get. The kids in the mailroom like to call them HTH's, or "How'd That Happen?!" letters. You see, Wet is doing this completely whack thing--peeing on himself in the bathtub as a substitute for masturbation--and like a lot of folks doing whack things, Wet has some whack concerns. He has questions about the advisability of this whack behavior--will urine damage my skin? is there something wrong with me?--so he writes a letter. Something that he thinks, no doubt, took some courage. But in composing his letter, Wet chickens out: he fails to take responsibility for his actions, casting himself as a passive player in this bathtub drama. He may be peeing on himself, but it wasn't really his idea, he writes: "I don't know how this happened--one morning I just did it." How'd That Happen?!

Hm. I've been taking unsupervised baths for 27 years, and in all that time I never just "happened" to pee all over myself. The times I have pissed in the tub or shower, it was on purpose--I was too lazy to get out of the shower, if you know what I mean, or there was someone else in the shower with me and I was fulfilling a special request, if you know what I mean. But it never just "happened." I did it. So, Wet, while I'm happy to answer your questions--no, it won't hurt you; yes, there is probably something wrong with you, something terribly, terribly wrong--your unwillingness to take responsibility for your actions is what disturbs me most about your letter. Come on, admit it: You're into piss--you like it for its own sake, not as a substitute for masturbation. Repeat after me: "I like piss. I'm into self-administered golden showers." This is not something that just happened to you, like cancer or Candid Camera. It's something you did. You're a perv, Wet. Cop to it, fer Christ's sake.


I was dog-sitting my friend's dog, and I fell asleep on the floor in my T-shirt (no underwear). When I awoke, the dog was licking my pussy, and to be honest, it felt so good that I didn't stop him until I came like I never have in my life. I was totally embarrassed and disgusted with myself, but the next night, it happened again. I was so embarrassed and disgusted with myself. My questions:

1. Can I get infected in any way by dog germs on my pussy?
2. Is this harmful to me in any way?
3. How sick am I to fully enjoy this?

I am too ashamed to ask a single soul in the world these questions. I wouldn't even ask a doctor these questions. I'm so afraid I'm going to catch some kind of infection from his tongue. Please answer me, because I need to know. I feel sick and ashamed.

Help Me

This letter, at first reading, rings false. The setup--Help Me wakes to find the dog lapping away at her pussy--sounds an awful lot like an urban myth (sans peanut butter), or like some dreadful letter to some dreadful porn mag, à la Penthouse Forum. But while Help Me's setup rings false, her anguish seems so real, so touching, that I believe this letter to be genuine; a cry for help from a real person with a real problem.

What rings false, of course, is the responsibility-avoiding HTH setup. The HTH, in this case, is so laughable it almost discredits the rest of the letter: She fell asleep on the floor, wearing only a T-shirt, and "awoke" to find the dog lapping away at her pussy? What probably happened was this: She was dog-sitting, feeling horny, and Mr. Dog was doing those whack horny dog things horny dogs do (sticking its nose in her crotch, following her around, humping her leg). So similar was the dog's behavior to the behavior of males of her own species, Help Me was intrigued, tempted. So she did this whack thing, and it felt really good, so she did it again. And now she's freaking out.

So she writes me a letter, but just can't take responsibility for her actions, just can't bring herself to write a letter that begins, "I fuck dogs...." So, she writes one where the dog-fucking wasn't something she did, it was something that "happened" to her. How'd That Happen?! She was innocently taking a nap on the floor, with no pants or panties on, and woke to find the dog between her legs--why, that could happen to anyone! Twice!

Not by a long shot, Help Me. Anyway, in answer to your questions:

1. Yes.
2. Yup.
3. Pretty fucking sick.


I'm a 200% straight guy, married with children. About six months ago, I went to a masseur who finished things with a terrific blow job. If you wonder why I didn't stop him, the truth is, I couldn't, because he was massaging my asshole with his thumb while blowing me. It was so good that I've been going back to the guy just about every week, not for the massage but for the blow job. Now I'm starting to worry that this might label me as gay. I have no interest in blowing this guy, but I wonder if the guy who gets the blow job is as guilty as the one who does it.

200% Straight

This is my personal favorite: Mr. 200% Straight couldn't stop the big, bad masseur from giving him a blow job because the masseur had his thumb up Mr. 200% Straight's butt. What, is there a system override switch in straight men's butts? Can't... move... thumb... in... ass... send... help! Come on. I've had my thumb in a few butts, provoking reactions ranging from delight to disgust, but it has never, ever, not once, paralyzed a sex partner or struck him dumb.

But Mr. 200% can't admit that he liked it, that he didn't object because there was nothing objectionable about this blow job--you let him continue because you were diggin' it, Mr. 200% Straight--or that he might have sought it out (just where did you find this masseur?). So he comes up with what has to be the lamest excuse in the long, sordid history of blow jobs: He had his thumb in my butt, Your Honor, what could I do? HTH. Of course, this does not explain why Mr. 200% Straight keeps going back, week after week, for more blow jobs. Did the masseur leave his thumb in your butt?

letters@savagelove.com

 

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This is how I figured out the math. The guy was 100% straight when he decided to go to a massage parlor, and discovered the parlor did not have a masseuse, but only a masseur. He was 105% straight when he decided to use the masseur anyway. He was 110% straight when the masseur "misinterpreted" his desire and gave him a snarling gnarling. He was 150% straight when he did not attempt to stop the snarling because of the thumb stuck up his bomb bays. Finally, he became 200% straight when he was so shocked and what happened that he decided to keep going back to that same masseur specifically for the snarling gnarling.

Now if only he would run for President on a platform demonizing homosexuality, he would become 1000% straight.
Posted by ejc on June 7, 2012 at 2:48 AM · Report this

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