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Modern Love

May 15, 2008

By Dan Savage

I'm a 31-year-old man and my girlfriend is 28. We've been in a monogamous relationship for four years. Recently we've been doing the long-distance thing, and we're going to be doing it until I can move from Canada to the United States. This is our problem: She brought up the idea of an open relationship until I get down there. I said okay—trying to be GGG—and 24 hours later called back and reneged.

Dan, I can't stand the idea of another guy with her. I can't. I trust her and I believe that she would only be after the sex—but the idea of another guy doing anything to her drives me nuts. I've read that open relationships just don't work for some people. But I also believe in being able to improve yourself. Is my jealousy a negative trait that I can get over?

Help me be modern!

Confused In Canada

Help you be modern, CIC? But there's nothing premodern about your feelings, no area where you require "improvement," nothing you need to get over.

Look, kiddo, there's a difference between being a jealous asshole and being a self-aware sex partner. Asking your girlfriend to remain monogamous until you get your ass down to the U.S.? That's just stating a sexual preference, if I may repurpose that phrase. A sincere desire to be your girlfriend's one and only sex partner should not be confused with something as base as jealousy. Jealousy is not trusting your girlfriend when she's out of your sight; it's flipping out when other men notice her; it's making furious and baseless accusations of cheating. Jealousy is controlling/manipulative/abusive behavior masquerading as insecurity. Jealousy is a poison. And you're not jealous, just monogamous.

Open relationships are great—ahem—but they're not for everyone. Some folks aren't built to share a sex partner, don't want to share, and consequently shouldn't share. We're talking sex partners here, CIC, not large pizzas or pot stashes—a reluctance to share is not evidence of a character flaw. Yours is an alternate lifestyle choice, CIC, one that, while I don't fully understand, I do fully support.

My boyfriend has recently confessed an interest in gaining weight and has asked me to explore this kink. He wants me to feed him during sex, and encourage him to gain weight. I love the man too much to care if he gains a little weight, but I don't think he's interested in gaining a little. I would love to indulge his kink, but I don't want him to bite the dust at 40 from some obesity-related disease. Before I turn down his request, I wanted to ask you if you might have any ideas as to how this kink could be played out in a way that keeps us both happy and healthy. Thanks.

Don't Want To Kill Husband Material

Feed him carrots.

I am a 25-year-old straight woman who recently got out of a monogamous relationship. He developed herpes symptoms for the first time a year into our relationship and I believe him when he said he hadn't cheated. Presumably it had been lying dormant or his first outbreak was so small he didn't notice.

Unfortunately, that relationship has now ended and I find myself not knowing how to deal with future partners. I've never had any symptoms and we were pretty careful (condom use, no sex during his outbreak) once we discovered the issue, but we had been having unprotected sex for about a year before the outbreak and condoms are not 100 percent effective anyway. So do I tell future partners in advance that I've been exposed and risk scaring them off over a disease I don't seem to have? I have been having nightmares about having terrible outbreaks and about spreading the infection, but I don't know if that's an overactive guilt complex or what.

I have no idea how to handle this. I want to be responsible, but also not cause myself a huge amount of stress and possibly heartbreak. Help please? I'm tired of crying all the time.

So Sad Always

First, SSA, you might want to get tested—you do know you can get tested for herpes, right?—and find out, for sure, if you even have herpes. For info go to www.plannedparenthood.org.

If you do have herpes, SSA, I would encourage you to be open about it—all of it, SSA. Not just your exposure and the fact that you haven't had a single outbreak, but also the odds that the person with whom you're sharing this info has herpes himself. One out of every four adults has herpes and most of us—because we've never had an outbreak or didn't notice the one mild outbreak we may have had—aren't even aware we've got it.

But here's the best reason to disclose, SSA: for your own peace of mind. You're going to want to make this a nonissue as you head into a new relationship, and the only way to accomplish that is through disclosure. If you don't disclose, you're not going to enjoy your new relationship because you're going to be stressing out the whole time about whether or when your new partner is going to have an outbreak.

Bottom line, SSA? You don't want to date guys who are hysterics about herpes—you don't need that kind of stress, either—and, averages being what they are, sooner or later you'll find yourself having the talk with a cool guy who already knows he's been exposed.

I've been married for eight years to, and have two kids by, my wife—she thinks I'm a great guy. But she has a tremendously low sex drive (once a month is good for her) and mine is fairly high (three times a day would be perfect). At the end of the proverbial day, though, I used my wife's low sex drive as an excuse for fucking around.

This isn't a sex question, but a relationship question: I finally had that moment of clarity, realized I was jeopardizing a great family life for some extra pussy (or manpussy, depending on the hookup), and decided I was done cheating. Problem is, the last woman I slept with e-mails me a few weeks ago and tells me she's pregnant. I need to tell my wife, obviously. Is there any way to tell her this without completely losing her?

Dumb Tool

I don't have any magic words for you, DT, as there's no way to say "Honey, I knocked someone else up" without risking the end of your marriage. Drop the bomb, get your asses into couples counseling, try to stay together for your kids' sakes, and when the new kid arrives, get a paternity test—and a vasectomy too, DT, just in case you're ever tempted to stray again.

And please don't call call it "manpussy," DT, unless you're trying to wreck my love life, too.

Download the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.

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Comments (6) RSS

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1
Hah, a first at last! Lol. "Manpussy" -- I don't think calling it the "Manclit" or "Mangina" would actually ruin it for you (or me, or the rest of us, but I do enjoy the jest). Great advice -- as always -- of course (me resentful? Nooo).
Any-T-Ways, I think Cusoon should be a new word for slut (cum + spitoon = cusoon) and in text speak it sounds innocuous (C u soon). I am getting extremely tired of using cum-dumpster, cum-slag (slag is a welding term, and they also haven't given it the proper definition on the Urban Dictionary), cum-guzzler, etc. And cusoon isn't already defined in the Urban Dictionary. Here's hoping that you will magically find this post -- heehee....

B.S.M. -- not what you think....
Cheers!
Posted by bsmaster112 on January 16, 2011 at 9:53 PM · Report
2
Monogamy isn't an orientation. It's not something that some people "just are". It's a limited perspective our society has programmed us to believe is the only correct way to view relationships. We are programmed to feel that there is one person out there for us and that once we marry that one person we will no longer ever be attracted to anyone else, let alone sleep with them. This is not reality. We can be attracted to many, many people and desire to be with them sexually - all at the same time as being in a fully committed, loving relationship with our partner. A lot of people are too insecure to let their spouse sleep with anyone else, that's all - insecurity. Monogamy is a perspective that can change with trust and committment within the relationship and more security in our own selves.
Posted by annalove7 on April 28, 2011 at 11:24 AM · Report
3
Annalove7: Monogamy works for me. If you do not want to be in a monogamous relationship, then don't be in one. But please don't turn around and call monogamy unnatural if you don't want other people to turn around and shame you for your needs.
Posted by suddenlyorcas on May 13, 2011 at 10:20 AM · Report
4
If we accept that one man may require being pissed on to be happy, that another may need to watch his partner have sex with someone else, etc., the idea that monogamous sexuality should be rejected as "unnatural" is simply hilarious.

None of this is "natural". All of it is related to the way in which we've been socialized and the experiences we've had. What works for one person may not work for another. Characterizing monogamy as immature, as a product of insecurity or "programming" is hypocritical and shaming....and frankly, despicable.

That's the same kind of pseudo-psych that led to homosexuality and paraphilias being in the DSM IV.
Posted by drooog on September 22, 2011 at 12:52 PM · Report
SlimJimPoisson 5
I have been working hard on this monogamy thing for my personal use (I couldn't care less what you do in your bedroom). In my head I can tell it's one of those things I should be willing to accept, but in my heart I just can't face it. I have spent most of my life in LTRs and have never come close to cheating, but infidelity on her part killed two of those relationships. I will admit that in one of them I was partially happy to receive a "get out of jail free" card. In the other I was devastated.

I will be honest about why I can't handle it. If any partner I have had decided to open our relationship she could have three encounters before lunch and a six-way before afternoon tea. I, on the other hand, would spend the next six weeks looking for a halfway decent opportunity. Part of that is that I have always been with pretty hot women who attract guys like bugs to a light, another is that in general men are far easier to seduce, however a large part is my own inability to initiate casual sex. Don't get me wrong, I crave the ability to bag any chick I meet, I just don't have it. Part of that is that women are attracted to me in a long-term way. Women who are not normally jealous or possessive seem to get that way with me. I have been with several man-eaters who stopped being bad when I came into their lives. I was forced to push them away when they wanted to get more serious (and in several cases I was the first guy who ever dumped them). I don't like breaking hearts and I don't want to ever do it again.

Since I moved to China it appears that my odds would be far greater, but I haven't tested that theory. I get gobs of attention from women here, but don't know if I could parlay that into meaningless sex in a country that values marriage so highly. The girls here are really sweet and I just don't have the heart to break theirs.

In the end, I think if I believe that I could grab some strange as easily as she could I would have no problem with it, but since it would most likely lead to a frustrating equation for me I have to protect my turf.

In the unlikely scenario that I was presented with the "open up or split up" ultimatum I would probably choose the split, but predicting behavior in a hypothetical situation is impossible.

I will keep working on it.
More...
Posted by SlimJimPoisson on November 14, 2011 at 6:29 PM · Report
6
He called it a sexual PREFERENCE, not an orientation. Jeez.
Posted by pand@ on January 12, 2013 at 10:30 AM · Report

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