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Farts, Jesus, and Fashion Advice

December 7, 2000

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Whenever I am with someone new and we are in bed, all the twisting and fooling around creates all this gas in my stomach. Yet, being a gentleman, I have to hold it in--and the pressure keeps building and building. If I try to do controlled releases, it just comes out even noisier. And with the thin walls in New York City, holding it in until I go to the bathroom is only slightly less embarrassing. I've tried waiting until the woman falls asleep, but one time when I thought I was being discreet the girl immediately jumped up and got out of bed. Any words? Is there any etiquette about farting in bed

Bed Farter

At the beginning of a beautiful relationship, straight women like to pretend their new lovers don't actually fart. Of course, women know men fart, but how long a man can go before farting in front of a woman is an important first test, BF, and it's one you're failing miserably. Your girlfriends want to know that you're willing to suffer for them--willing to cramp and squeeze and hold 'em in--so that they might cling just a little longer to the cherished illusion that you don't fart. Not being able to make it through one night without letting it rip communicates to a new girlfriend that you value your comfort over her feelings. A good rule of thumb: No farting in front of a woman whom you've been sleeping with for less than six months.

So no more first-night farts, BF. Once you're in a serious, long-term relationship, you'll be able to fart to your heart's content in front of your wife or girlfriend. She may even make funny comments when you do, like, "Jesus Christ, what did you eat?!" or "What died in there?" or "Lemme out of here!" In the meantime, get some Gas-X and try to hold it in.

I am a 19-year-old woman in my first serious relationship. My problem is that my boyfriend really likes the idea of oral sex, but when I tried to go down on him, it just made my jaw ache and neck hurt. I didn't even, uh, succeed at my task. I don't particularly look forward to trying it again, but he's so excited about it that I want to do it for him (especially as he is quite enthusiastic about going down on me). Is there some way I don't know about that will make this easier and let me enjoy it more?

New To This In Canada

Before answering your question, NTTIC, I want to congratulate all the Canadians up there--including the Frenchies--for conducting yourselves like ladies and gentlemen during your recent national elections. Your elections were not only short, sweet, and orderly, but you also had the good sense NOT to make your joke candidate--Stockwell "Doris" Day--the prime minister, whereas we Americans seem to have elected our joke candidate--George W. Bush--as our next president.

Okay, blowjobs. Here's the secret: Few people actually enjoy giving blowjobs, as blowjobs are hard, awkward, drool-inducing work. Sore jaws and stiff necks are to be expected, and as incentives go, a mouth full of come at the end of a job well done isn't exactly a stock option. But there are a couple of things you can do to minimize your discomfort and hurry things along. Use your right hand to make a fist around the base of your boyfriend's cock. This will limit how much of his cock he can get in your mouth and provide him with additional stimulation, which will hopefully get him off quicker. At the same time, make a fist around his scrotum with your left hand. He'll be less likely to make a sudden move (like a throat-plugging thrust) if it might cost him his nuts. Finally, without loosening your grip on his balls, use the index finger of your left hand to tickle the area behind his balls and in front of his asshole. Again, he'll get off quicker. And if you're feeling very tired or worn out or sore... TAKE A BREAK.

I have been married now for three years. When my wife and I first got together, we thought alike and enjoyed the same things. But in the last year, she has become EXTREMELY religious. She now refuses to watch porn with me or give me blowjobs (which she used to do frequently) "because it's a sin." She talks about Jesus constantly, and it really gets on my nerves. I'm suddenly married to a NUN. She does not act sexy in any way, and when we do have sex, she just lies there. She has informed me that she's going to quit using birth control, and she wants to have sex in order to conceive--which I'm sure as hell not ready for. Waddya say?

I Married a Nun

Ask your wife how Jesus feels about her ass gettin' dragged into divorce court, because that's where this marriage is headed. Being married to a Jesus freak--as opposed to an easygoing, porn-watchin', blowjob-givin' Christian--isn't what you signed up for. If she's not the person you married, divorce her.

Great advice to Pissed Off In New York, the guy who decided to move when he found out his roommate was gay. Straight guys who move to NY should seek gay roommates, with the possible exception of POINY's slob of an ex-roommate. As a straight guy myself, I think other straight guys should be aware of these built-in advantages to sharing an apartment with a gay guy:

1. You'll have a roommate who won't fuck your girlfriend.
2. Can offer you fashion advice.
3. Won't fuck your sister when she visits.
4. Knows where to go to get a great haircut.
5. Knows tons of hot straight/bi chicks whom you can fuck.
6. Knows where to find the best underground parties.
7. Can get you X at wholesale rates.
8. And did I mention that you'll have a roommate who won't fuck your girlfriend?

Reformed Homophobe

Thanks for sharing, RH, and I would like to add two more items to your list to bring it up to an even 10:

9. Straight chicks will think you're all sensitive and stuff for having a gay roommate, and will want to fuck your brains out.
10. If you can't make rent, your roommate might settle for a blowjob.

I think the format of Q&R&R lacks something. In your standard Q&A format, I enjoy reading your responses to several letters; the Q&R&R format limits quantity and replaces it with something of dubious quality. I think you should take special care not to overuse the Q&R&R format, and only use it when it is called for, which was not the case with POINY.

Matt Pepple

So, Matt, when would it be okay for me to use Q&R&R?

Possibly when you get letters where further responses might turn up something bizarre or really funny.

Matt Pepple

Okay, I'll try and limit Q&R&R to funny and bizarre threads, Matt. Threads that are nothing like, say, this one.

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Comments (11) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
On the contrary, Matt. PoiNY's case was a prefect use of Q&R&R. His original question did not give all the relevant details and Dan's laser focus on the real story eventualy produced a perfect answer and probably changed PoiNY's attitude about gay people and roommates. And might I add, Well Played, Dan. Set the hook and reel them in.
Posted by Love Savage, Dan on March 25, 2011 at 5:37 PM · Report this
TERRIBLE advice to BF. BF wrote in and said, "Sometimes I have to fart because of sex. How can I manage this?" and Dan said, "Don't fart around the ladies."
Posted by offfwhite on March 28, 2011 at 12:22 PM · Report this
Okay, and I can't believe I'm giving this advice in (anonymous)public:

Farts are noisy because of the movement the outgoing air creates in your buttcheeks, and they are stinky if they are diet-related. If the gas build-up is really due to movement/activity and not diet, then the farts should not be overly stinky.

Therefore, if you can eliminate the noise, you can eliminate the problem. I had to learn this trick when dealing with digestive issues when pregnant and having to share a restroom with very thin walls with professional colleagues:

Reach on back there, and use your hand/fingers to gently hold open the doors to allow the air to pass out freely. There may be a quiet "shoosh" noise, but if you have any sort of background noise music/traffic/etc you should be fine, or a well-timed nose-sniff should do.

You are welcome.
Posted by CameraObscura on March 29, 2011 at 11:25 PM · Report this
Blast from the past. 4th election after this one, and good 'ol Dorris got elected twice.
Posted by Doot on March 30, 2011 at 3:14 AM · Report this
@3: using your technique you might just let out a shit. Boner killer!
Posted by dr. shart on April 1, 2011 at 6:52 PM · Report this
Just go in the bathroom and flush/fart simultaneously. Or run the water really loud. Or fercryingoutloud, change your diet.
Posted by AllisonM on April 3, 2011 at 10:27 AM · Report this
Get on a diet that includes plentiful amounts of yogurt, Dannon's DanActive, Activia, etc. Enjoy generous servings twice a day. Also, don't over eat or consume large amounts of alcohol when you're with a date with whom you may end up in the sack.
Posted by kokuaguy on April 3, 2011 at 9:18 PM · Report this
Raelynn 8
I know this is years old, but just as a rule of thumb for the straight guys:

Guys and girls are raised quite differently. For girls, bodily functions are something to be ashamed of, hidden, done in private, and even denied, at all costs. It probably has something to do with the guise of being "ladylike", which is still pushed on girls and women today, in 2011.

Basically, a lot of women consider it impolite to do things like fart loudly in front of them, scratch your balls in an obvious way, etc. Yes, it's silly, and yes, she will become more relaxed about it as the relationship grows. But it's just good etiquette, when it comes to farting, to either hold it in, or do it in the bathroom. Even if she can hear you through the walls, she'll probably appreciate that you were polite enough to do it in the bathroom instead of in her bed.

I don't think it's really a case of women wanting to pretend that bodily functions don't exist. It's just good etiquette, like going into the bathroom to blow your nose or scratch your balls or whatever. Farting is just one of those things that's considered rude to do openly while in a new relationship. Women aren't offended by the gas itself, but by what they see as an impolite and inconsiderate gesture.

If in doubt, hold it in until you can get to the bathroom, then let it go, even if the walls are thin. This is especially true for men who have bad diets or intestinal problems, as that can be pretty unsexy.

And you don't have to keep up the ritual of holding it in forever; if the relationship lasts, such ideas about etiquette become silly and uneccesary, and you can be more open with each other.
Posted by Raelynn on June 6, 2011 at 1:29 AM · Report this
Raelynn 9
I should add that I didn't intend to sound patronizing or anything. It's just been my experience that men are pretty baffled about this whole issue, and don't understand why it should a big deal, or what they should do about it. So I thought I'd explain a bit.
Posted by Raelynn on June 6, 2011 at 1:39 AM · Report this
Raelynn 10
Also a note about IMAN:

Sudden and severe personality changes in anyone should always be investigated by a qualified mental health professional. If your spouse- or anyone close to you- goes through a drastic change like this, even if it's related to religion, you should encourage them to discuss it with a doctor/therapist/psychiatrist/etc.

Phrase it in a very gentle and non-confrontational way, of course. For example, "I'm glad you're so happy now that you've found religion. But I'm very concerned about the effect it's having on our relationship. Could we get counseling to see if there's a way for us to get through this together?"

Many people just don't undergo rapid and severe changes like this, even if they've found Jesus. It can be a symptom of an underlying problem, like depression, mania, trauma, a hormonal imbalance, or another physical or mental illness (even a brain tumor).

This guy, or anyone else in his position, is entirely justified in seeking a divorce. But even so, he should try to get help for his wife, to make sure it's not a health problem. And if it is, perhaps the marriage can still be saved. If you ever find yourself in a position like IMAN's, try to find help before burning bridges.
Posted by Raelynn on June 6, 2011 at 2:13 AM · Report this
I agree with raelynn on the considerate-ness of at least trying to keep it in. I was dating a guy that let it loose, in his car, while on a road trip. His windows did not roll down. He then tried to cover it up by spraying febreze, which did not help at at. This was only a month into the relationship. I nearly died. Maybe, if he had warned me before he let out a stink bomb from hell, at least I would have been prepared. That was one of the many things he did that was incredibly inconsiderate during our 'relationship'. Needless to say, we are not together anymore.
Posted by NCASH on November 27, 2011 at 12:38 AM · Report this

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