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None of Your Business

June 5, 2008

By Dan Savage

I'm a 23-year-old guy and I have been dating my 21-year-old girlfriend for two years. After she graduated, she moved from the East Coast to the Midwest to be with me while I finish my degree. Everything was great until she moved in. She has a 9-to-5 job and pays her bills. After work, though, all she wants to do is get high, drink, and watch TV. I find myself cooking every meal, cleaning up after her, and doing all the laundry. On top of this, a very mean side of her has emerged.

I know that we all have our shitty qualities and that I am a shitbag for thinking this stuff, let alone writing to you, but what should I do? If I stay with her, I'm neglecting my future happiness. But if I dump her, I break her heart, which I don't want to do. Plus, she moved halfway across the country for me.

Shitty Boyfriend In The Midwest

This is inelegantly put, I realize, but it came to mind when I read your letter and my Tourette's requires me to put it in print: If not break her heart now, SBITM, then when? And if not you, SBITM, then who?

Look, darlin', people get dumped all the time. And you know what? Most of us require dumping in our 20s. Yeah, yeah: hearts break. But very few hearts break irreparably. She will get over it. Which is another way of saying that one day, believe it or not, she will get over you.

And here's why being dumped is often good for us: After a person is done wallowing in a pain that no one else has ever experienced or can possibly comprehend—although others' inability to comprehend never seems to stop a dumped person from yammering on and on—the person begins to examine the failed relationship for clues. Why did it end? Whose fault was it? If the dumped person determines that fault lies with the asshole ex, the dumped person resolves to be on the lookout for telltale signs of assholery in the future. The dumped person dates smarter and more defensively.

But often a little voice in the back of the dumped person's head tells the dumped person that the fault is theirs—that she, in this instance, was a stoned, drunk, inconsiderate, mean-spirited sack of shit—and the dumped person resolves to change or date only people attracted to stoners and drunks and slobs.

So dump her, SBITM. Then, while she packs and verbally lashes out and fucks your friends, remind yourself that dumping her was the loving thing to do for her. There is no other option—unless, of course, you're willing to spend the next seven decades cleaning up after this inconsiderate piece of shit.

I'm writing not for advice, but to open up a discussion. For five years I had a famous partner and eventually lost him to groupies. I was aware that he might one day be tempted to explore this side effect of his career, so I wasn't too surprised when he finally made the decision to "go there." However, I am left with some unsettling thoughts, apart from the heartache.

To him, this is a harmless and fun chapter in his life, but I see a darker side. His relationships now feature a misbalance of power. I feel a healthy adult seeks sex with equals. To me, groupies act like unpaid prostitutes, and my ex has decided it's okay to use girls who adore him without giving much in return. I can't see how this can be of benefit to either the girls or to him. I worry that these experiences help form permanent negative patterns. Harmless fun? I don't think so. Any thoughts?

Worried Ex

Just one, WE: How is this any of your business?

Yes, groupies are like unpaid prostitutes—but they are compensated, WE, with refracted fame, the dubious perks of being "with the band," and the human papapapineapple virus (or whatever it's called). So I hardly see these assignations as necessarily one-way exchanges. The use is mutual. Your ex may be permanently damaged by this kind of attention or he may tire of cheap, meaningless sex and come crawling back to you. Or, hell, he may one day star in a squalid and depressing reality show in which he deludes himself into believing that the women who surround him desire his paunchy old body and his surgeon-battered face and not a shot at reality-show fame.

But, again, what business is it of yours? He's your ex and the women he's sleeping with are consenting adults. We can tut-tut and conclude that your ex is using these women and that these women are no better than hookers... and so what? You'll still be his ex, he'll still be banging groupies, and groupies will go on chasing rock stars long after your ex is playing the casino circuit.

In your last column, you said Bi Bi Bridie's fiancé issued an "irrational ultimatum" because he didn't want his partner to sleep with other females. Yet in a column three weeks ago, you told Confused In Canada, a guy in a long- distance relationship whose woman wanted an open relationship, that his reluctance to open up their relationship didn't mean he was jealous, just monogamous.

Maybe I'm missing something, but it sounds like both of these guys know what they want and stated their intentions clearly. Why is the first guy irrational for stating his intentions and the second guy "just monogamous"?

A Bit Confused

Because I said so, ABC. Because, unlike CIC's girlfriend, BBB is bi and, yes, that makes a difference. And, again, because I said so.

BBB shouldn't make a commitment that she's already proven herself to be incapable of honoring; that's just setting her marriage up for failure. But BBB's fiancé shouldn't extract a commitment from his girlfriend that he knows she will either be incapable of honoring or will quickly come to resent him greatly for having to honor. He can say, "You can have me or you can have this very important part of your sexuality," to his fiancé, but by doing so he's setting his marriage up for failure. That makes his ultimatum irrational.

More letters about last week's column.

I'm on a kick-ass coed Ultimate Frisbee team. We are all hot, drink tequila together, go naked hot-tubbing, and reward great plays with lap dances. And each of us is at least 10 percent gay. I want to take the team to the logical next level: an orgy. I brought up the subject at the last team meeting, but everyone thought it was a joke. Can you suggest a way to get a whole team to be GGG? Please help!

Sports Orgies Team Bonding

Maybe the whole team would be down with making a film for HUMP! 4, The Stranger's annual amateur porn festival. The team could win a $2,000 first-place prize—think of all the Frisbees and tequila you guys could buy with that kind of money! More info at www.thestranger.com/hump.

Download the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at www.thestranger .com/savage.

mail@savagelove.net

Savage Love Extra

Monday 9, 2008

By 

Wow, your response to Shitty Boyfriend In The Midwest was spectacularly lacking in empathy. It doesn't seem like it occurred to you that his girlfriend is probably depressed. She sounds isolated and is in a new environment—her behavior and personality have changed, so she's obviously having trouble adjusting either to the area or to the living situation. Rather than kicking her to the curb after she's followed him to the Midwest, maybe sitting down and having a frank talk about his concerns and the fact that she might be depressed is in order. If she resists and refuses to deal with it, then fine, go ahead and cut the cord for her own good as much as his.

Bree

I think you missed the mark on SBITM's question about whether or not to dump his girlfriend. I know "to dump or not to dump" was the basic thrust of his question, but don't you think he should at least try to talk to her first about his frustration with her current habits?

Maybe, after moving to the Midwest to be with a boyfriend who is still in school, she's feeling depressed and isolated, and after coming home from a (probably soul-sucking) 9-to-5 job that serves only to pay her bills, the only thing she feels like doing is getting high and zoning out with the TV on. What are her alternatives? He wants to "study"—that is not an activity couples can participate in together, and when he studies, it may isolate her even more. He wants to "go out"—where? What if it's with his friends or colleagues she doesn't know or doesn't feel comfortable around? Isolation again. Talking and going out with the boyfriend is something she should do, but the boyfriend should make a more concerted effort to engage her in these activities before he totally writes her off and dumps her.

While your point about dumpings being a necessary and educational part of being in one's 20s is valid, I think you should have urged him to at least make an effort to talk to her about her habits and how they are affecting his feelings for her before he gives her the old heave-ho. Given the chance, she may decide she wants to change her ways, rather than be dumped by a self-righteous douchebag for whom she moved across the country.

I'll be interested to see if any other readers feel the same way.

Jane

I don't think you're being fair to SBITM's girlfriend. I'm guessing that SBITM is in grad school from his letter. As a former grad student, I can confidently state that grad students are a self-absorbed group, especially the men. She is treating him like crap, yes, but she's 21, got her first full-time job after college, moved from someplace possibly metropolitan to what seems likely to be a Midwestern college town, and her boyfriend probably wants to talk about... what? School, I'm guessing? He wants to go out... where? To grad-student hangouts? There's not a lot to do in the Midwest if you don't live in Chicago.

Yeah, I'm making a lot of suppositions. But I wonder if he doesn't expect her to get home from a 9-to-5 job (who's paying their bills?) and then listen to him talk about his studies. (Am I projecting much? Yes, just a little.) She's not dealing with it well, but she's 21. Why all the sympathy on his side?

Yes, it sounds like the relationship is doomed, but I doubt it's just because she's a bitch. Grad school breaks up a lot of relationships, and it's not just because the nonacademic partner is behaving badly. It often also happens because the grad-student partner changes, too, and suddenly decides that he or she is a Thinker with a capital T.

Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Grad Students

Love your column, but I think your advice to Shitty Boyfriend was pretty harsh. Having been part of a couple where one of us was in school and the other was working, I know that it's tough because you're both at different places in your lives. He hasn't lived in the "real world" yet, and doesn't know what it's like to be out of the safe cocoon of school. Maybe her job is stressful and takes a lot out of her, and she's just overwhelmed. Maybe she's only been living there a few months, and is still trying to learn her job, meet new people, and get into the swing of her new life. I mean, give her a break!

Now, I'm not advocating her behavior. Regardless of how stressed you are at work, you should be pulling your weight at home, unless the two of them agreed to this arrangement. What he should be doing is talking to her about it, not just kicking her out without ever mentioning the problem. It's possible that she's so tired that she doesn't even realize what she's doing. If he wants to stay in a relationship with this girl, then the first thing he should do is discuss the problem.

Anon

There's something I learned about recently that I want to share with all the dudes out there who are in a situation like SBITM: talking about your feelings.

It sounds funny, but I was raised a dude, and dudes are not generally given the skills that chicks are when it comes to talking about their feelings. A lot of dudes will scoff, as did I for many years, but the truth of the matter is SBITM has feelings that he needs to talk about. I don't mean attend an empowerment rally; I mean something as simple as "I feel used" or "I feel frustrated" or "disappointed" or "angry." It can do wonders for a situation like SBITM's.

First of all, it gets it OUT so it doesn't sit inside you and fester and turn into some assholish thing like hitting her or sleeping around or staying with her for 10 years and having kids with her but hating her the whole time and then dumping her and the kids for the first piece of ass you can find when you finally grow a pair. Dudes would be amazed how much better life is when you're not walking around holding on to this stuff.

Second, it puts the problems out in the open. Women aren't mind readers. This woman might be a stoned, drunk bitch, but in her mind she has her own reasons for doing what she's doing. If she's stoned and drunk all day she's probably not trying to spend too much time actually dealing with life as it is here on planet Earth. When you're wallowing, you don't usually keep track of who cleaned the bathroom last, you know? So say OUT LOUD, "Honey, you're being an asshole" or "I'm getting tired of doing all the cleaning." If you don't—no matter how much of an asshole she is—you are sort of an asshole too, only the kind that expects other people to read his mind.

M. B.

Just wanted to tell you that I really appreciated the advice that you gave to SBITM in this week's column. As someone who has been in a similar situation, I can say that you really need someone to tell you that breaking up with the drunk is the best course of action. If you don't, you'll spend months, if not years of your life, attached to a person who doesn't respect you. On top of that, this person will most likely alienate most of your friends and you'll spend the next year of your life rebuilding bridges that this person burned for you. Again, Dan, just wanted to commend you on a spot-on piece of advice this week.

Proud To Be An Ex

Longtime reader, first-time commenter.

While your point about the merits of dumping someone is true, I'm not sure the situation described by SBITM is dump-worthy. Back in college, all I wanted to do when I got home after a day of classes and reading in the library was to cook lots of yummy food and spend quality time talking to people about Ideas. Now that I work an 8-to-5 job, I get home and all I want to do is eat some shitty microwave dinner and crash. The problem described in SBITM's dilemma might be simply a "grad school" vs. "working life" situation, especially considering that it's his girlfriend's first year working, and in a new city, to boot. So maybe it's not time to DTMFA yet.

Sushu

I wanted to say thank you for your carefully selected words to SBITM about dumping his girlfriend and the repercussions. As a girl who has had her heart irreparably broken, I am still thankful that the relationship ended (although I didn't feel that way at the time). It IS best to end things before any more time is wasted on a bad relationship. And also thank you for recognizing that a small few of us are never able to mend a broken heart.

Shattered Heart

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Comments (4) RSS

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1
About your response to ABC

Being bisexual DOES NOT mean someone cannot have a monogamous relationship.

It simply means they have more options. A bisexual person can commit to a relationship with one man or one woman the same way a gay, lesbian, or straight person can.
Posted by Bisexual and Married for 10 years on November 28, 2008 at 6:22 PM · Report
2
You can, but she can't.
Posted by anonii on August 22, 2009 at 10:09 AM · Report
3
hahaha, SOTB made me laugh out loud. Love it.
Posted by Emalie on March 22, 2011 at 7:38 PM · Report
4
Thanks, Anonii; pithy & right on :D
Posted by Kidvelociraptor on May 23, 2013 at 9:28 PM · Report

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