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December 28, 2000
I just read your response to New to This in Canada, the girl who can't get into giving blowjobs. How dare you say that "most people don't enjoy giving blowjobs," Dan?!? Most people I know love giving blowjobs, myself included, and here are some pointers for NTTIC culled from my years of experience:
1. You can do a lot without actually blowing him. You can lick his balls and put your finger in his ass and pretty much drive him crazy without even having him in your mouth.
2. Change speeds! Starting slow and sensual and gradually getting faster while making appropriate noises can coach him onto a convenient timeline.
3. You can stop before he comes and have him DO YOU. Switch back and forth!
If you approach oral sex like it's an obligation, you'll never really want to do it. Instead, try to have fun! I enjoy giving and receiving oral sex with both sexes, and I have had many compliments from both male and female recipients.
Oops. I didn't mean to say that most people hate giving blowjobs, but rather that most women don't enjoy giving blowjobs. That's probably not accurate either, and if I had to do it over again--and I'm doing it over again right now--I would further qualify the above qualified statement thusly: "At least at first, most women don't enjoy giving blowjobs." Read on.
In response to NTTIC, the girl who doesn't enjoy giving blowjobs: True and false, Mr. Savage. While for years I hated giving blowjobs, I then got with a guy who told me what he liked. I learned to take my time, and that I didn't have to suck like a vacuum cleaner. Don't be afraid to ask your boyfriend what feels good.
Fond of Fellatio
I may not have the same problems that NTTIC does (neck pain), but I simply despise the taste of come. Please give me some advice as to how to get my guy's spunk to taste better!
Hoping for a Miracle
There's a product on the market that promises to "take away the overly salty, bitter taste cum usually has, replacing this with an almost-sweet flavor women love!" It's called Semenex--"The All-Natural Male Dietary Supplement Guaranteed to Enhance the Flavor of Semen!"--and you can order it at www.semenex.com. The maker claims this stuff is "100% organic, and 100% effective." It sounds like 100% rip-off to me, with a 30-day supply costing a whopping $69.95 ("That's less that $2.50 a day for great tasting cum!"). If you and the boyfriend aren't filthy rich and fatally gullible, instead of ordering a lifetime supply of Semenex (70K!), try making your boyfriend give up coffee, meat, smoking, and booze--four bad habits that can make come taste terrible, even if they do make him a more pleasant person to be around.
I think NTTIC might be my girlfriend. That was an exact description of our relationship. Is there any sacred advice-columnist oath to prevent you from giving me her e-mail address?
Wondering About This in Canada
Yes, there's an advice-columnist oath that prevents me from giving you NTTIC's e-mail address. It's called the Sacred Oath of What Kind of Idiot Do You Take Me For?--and it prevents me from forwarding personal information about my female readers to all the wannabe stalkers out there claiming to be their boyfriends. Guys who are convinced their girlfriends wrote a letter that appeared in my column should ask their girlfriends to confirm or deny it, and not waste their time asking me to forward confidential information. And if NTTIC is your girlfriend, WATIC, you'll find out when her blowjob technique suddenly improves, now won't you?
One thing NTTIC might be doing "wrong" is putting too much emphasis on rapid up-and-down motions. NTTIC should save that stuff for the end and concentrate in the beginning on varying the sensations: licking the head, rubbing the underside of the shaft with her lips, getting the whole thing wet. Then, when he's definitely ready to come, go ahead and switch to the vacuum/piston method that the inexperienced mistake for good technique. The sudden intensity should put him over the edge.
Sore No More in California
Good point, SNMIC, and while we're on the subject of the inexperienced, last week The New York Times reported on a new study conducted by the Urban Institute on the sexual behavior of 15-to-19-year-old boys. Most of the teenage boys studied had been subjected to abstinence-only sex education funded by the federal government. Interestingly, researchers discovered that over half of these ab-ed alumni were getting blowjobs, a third were eating pussy, and most believed that oral sex qualified as risk-free "abstinent behavior."
I once sat through a high school ab-ed class, taught by a woman who was clearly uncomfortable with the S-E-X subject. Discussing the messy business of vaginal intercourse was such a strain for the poor woman that she couldn't bring herself to discuss oral sex--or anal sex, for that matter, which 10 percent of the boys the Urban Institute interviewed had experimented with. So count me among the few who weren't surprised to learn that ab-ed graduates might not be fully informed about what is and is not sex.
For the record, boys, oral sex is sex, and while it's low-risk for HIV, oral sex can leave you with a nasty case of gonorrhea, herpes, warts, and stank-face. Unlike the Feds, I'm not telling you this to scare you, nor do I believe you should wait to have sex until you're married. (If I had to wait until I were legally married to have sex, I'd never get to have sex at all.) I'm only telling you to be careful out there, okay?
In a recent column, you gave a young woman suggestions for improving her blowjob technique. As a heterosexual male, I would be very interested in reading any suggestions you might have for improving my cunnilingus technique.
All the women out there reading this week's blowjob-tips-for-girls are cordially invited to send in cunnilingus tips for boys, which I will include in an upcoming column despite my philosophical opposition to the act. I mean, if God had meant for men to eat pussy, He would've made it taste more like Doritos or ranch dressing, and less like... uh... whatever it is pussy tastes like.
Hey Gay Boys: Have you ever gotten laid through the Stranger Personals? Met a boyfriend? The Stranger Personals is looking for tales of dating triumphs and/or disasters that began with a personal ad. Write up your story, send it in (email@example.com), and it may get published in the personals section of the paper!