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Joe Newton

Straight Guy Anxious for Pointers

I got 500 letters from straight women with advice for men on the whole pussy-eating subject. Why haven't these letters appeared in this column? Well, I have a bias: I'm gay. Given a choice between reading hundreds of e-mails about eating pussy or, say, talking to a good-looking male porn star about his online underwear sales, well, I'm going to go with the porn star every time. While I'm aware that reading about cunnilingus is one of my occupational hazards (along with handling letters from people who eat poo), that awareness doesn't make me any less reluctant to do so.

Don't get me wrong, ladies. I am all for cunnilingus. Straight men, in my opinion, are obligated to provide it. I'm as pro-cunnilingus as a gay man can get, but I guess you could say I'm pro-cunnilingus in the abstract. I'm pro-eating pussy in the same way I'm, say, pro-round-the-clock home nursing for incontinent paraplegics: I'm glad it happens, I just don't want to do it. But... I promised you a cunnilingus column, SGAFP, and a cunnilingus column you shall have.

But what about my gay male readers? Columns about cunnilingus have something to offer straight men, straight women, and lesbians, but NOTHING to offer gay men. So to give my gay male readers a reason to slog through this column, I've included an item of particular interest to gay men.

Okay, here are your cunnilingus tips, boys!

Whatever you do, DO NOT use your teeth! Also try to keep the saliva down to a minimum.

Been There

Got it, boys? No teeth, and very little saliva.

SALIVA, SALIVA, SALIVA: I can't overemphasize the importance of plenty of lubrication.

Cumming from Cunnilingus

No, wait--use saliva, boys, and lots of it. But no teeth.

The word cunnilingus derives from two Latin words: cunnus (female genitals) and lingere (to lick). But the action should include not only the tongue, but the teeth. Tongue: soft, yet firm. Teeth: Nibble around down there!

Pussy Prof

No, wait--use your teeth to nibble, boys.

I don't think it's necessary for a guy to spend much time in any other area than the clitoris.

It's the Clit

Focus on the clit, boys.

A clit is not a doorbell. Please do not punch it repeatedly with your tongue. And explore the rest of my pussy. It has just as many sensitive nerve endings as my clit.

Word of the Day

No, wait--explore the whole pussy, boys.

As a closeted gay college student, I turned to my straight friends for guidance on "the deed," and one bit of advice actually worked: Lick the alphabet! One word of caution: SHE CAN'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING! It is disastrous to let her hear you humming the alphabet song. This could imply that you are not sufficiently stimulated by her parts, as was the case with me.

ABC

Lick the alphabet, boys, but don't let her know you're licking the alphabet.

I dated a guy who used "the alphabet song" to guide him along. Basically, he hummed the "A, B, C, D, E, F, G... H, I, J, K, LMNOP..." song while drawing the letters with his tongue on my clit. Now every time I hear the alphabet song I get wet!

Alphabet Soup

No, wait. Tell her you're licking the alphabet, and she'll get wet when she hears the alphabet song.

Guys, don't slide your tongues in and out of our vaginas. All that feels like is a small, thin, limp dick. Most women don't like small, limp dicks, so why simulate one with your tongue?

Clitty McNub

Don't stick your tongues in, boys.

A French guy once stuck his tongue in and swirled it around, pushing it really hard against the walls of my vagina. It was amazing. The American guys I've slept with tend to lap politely. I guess this must be one of those things the French come up with in their six weeks of annual paid vacation.

French Kissed

No, wait--stick your tongues in the vaginal canal, boys.

So many guys are obsessed with penetration that they can't eat pussy without sticking their fingers in. Fellas, please, just lick me.

Lick It Don't Stick It

No fingers, boys, just tongue.

Men need to know that the G-spot is located behind the ridge of the pubis bone, up and inside her vagina. Take your hand palm up, insert middle and pointer fingers, curl your fingers toward you like you're saying, "Come here." Do this while you lick, and she'll come right then and there.

East Bay Hard Core

No, wait--use your fingers and tongue, boys.

Okay, let's review what we've learned: Use little saliva; use lots of saliva; use your teeth; don't use your teeth; focus on the clit; explore the whole pussy; lick the alphabet but don't tell her; lick the alphabet and tell her; don't stick your tongue in; stick your tongue in; don't stick your fingers in; stick your fingers in. I hope this was helpful. Of course, if it wasn't--if this column left you more confused--you might try ASKING THE WOMAN TO TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT SHE LIKES. Personally, two things kept coming up while I was reading my 500 e-mails about cunnilingus: my lunch, and the sneaking suspicion that not all women enjoy the same things when it comes to oral sex. So, boys, you'll have to ask .

And, finally, here's that promised item of interest to gay men: Did everyone see Ricky Martin dancing with George W. Bush in front of the Lincoln Memorial last week? I felt the same shame watching Ricky dance with W. that African Americans felt watching Ben Vereen tap dance for Ronald Reagan. Ricky Martin denies he's gay, of course, but come on. Ricky hasn't been arrested in a men's room with a cock in his mouth, but it's gonna happen sooner or later. (And when it does, gay magazines will slap Ricky's picture on their covers and declare Ricky a hero in the struggle for gay rights.) The full reality of the new Bush era didn't hit me until I sat watching that closet case shake his bon-bon with the worst thing that's happened to this country since, well, ever. It's gonna be a long, ugly four years, kids.

letters@savagelove.net