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Sexphobes and Sextras

August 28, 2008

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Joe Newton

So I have been in a relationship with the same guy since I was about 16. It's been a little over four years, but I came out to him a year ago about the fact that I'm bi, which he has no problem with. Since then, I have had wild fantasies about a threesome with a hot girl. But it's a lot harder to arrange than it seems. Do you have any suggestions about finding a third? We've already tried Craigslist with no luck.

Where The Girls At?

You think your luck with Craiglist is bad, WTGA?

Jeff Gradney, a television news reporter in Las Vegas, lost his job after some anonymous douchebag alerted the management at KTNV-TV "Channel 13 Action News" to the fact that Gradney and his girlfriend placed an ad on Craigslist seeking a third. Sexphobia? Definitely. Homophobia? Perhaps: Gradney and his girlfriend were looking for another dude. And for this infraction—which had nothing to do with his job performance—Gradney was fired. So much for "Action News," huh? (People who've had three-ways—or not—are invited to send an outraged e-mail to KTNV-TV's vice president and general manager Jim Prather at

Gradney's dismissal came a week after a pair of nationally ranked college wrestlers—including a 2007 national champion—were booted off the University of Nebraska wrestling team after it emerged that both had jerked off for a porn site. (Solo—nothing gay about those videos, although the website is aimed at gay men.)

Sexphobes will say that Gradney and those college wrestlers got what was coming to 'em. People shouldn't let it all hang out on the interwebs—or spurt out, in the case of the wrestlers—unless they're prepared to lose their jobs, their spots on the team, their shot at being an "American Idol," etc. But with so many people documenting their lives online, and with so many people using the internet as a tool to seek sexual fulfillment, and in our thoroughly exhibitionist culture, one might think that people could picture themselves in Gradney's shoes, or those wrestlers' singlets, and cut 'em a little fucking slack.

If I may tweak a phrase: What happens online really ought to stay online. Your internet personals shouldn't be something that can be used against you by bluenoses at work; if you like to show off and you want to wank for the web, that shouldn't matter to the douchebags who run the NCAA. (Hello, NCAA? Want to generate interest in the sport? Encourage more college wrestlers to make JO videos.) Here's hoping that we soon reach a web-exposure tipping point, a time when everyone has something out there online that's sexually explicit or deeply embarrassing or both. When that blessed day arrives, we'll think twice about firing someone or cutting someone from the team for the crime of letting it all hang out online because, hey, we've got it all hanging out online, too.

As for how to find a third, WTGA: Most people looking for thirds want someone who's totally trustworthy and honest, someone who comes guaranteed to be disease-free, but they also want that someone to be a complete stranger whom they'll never see again after the three-way is over. Those someones don't exist, WTGA. If you really want to have a three-way, you either go with the likely-to-be-skeezy stranger you met online and risk dismemberment or you approach a trusted, attractive friend and risk rejection.

I am a 30-year-old woman. My boyfriend and I got together when we were 15. It was—and remains—an intense and extraordinary intellectual compatibility. He's the funniest and smartest person I have ever met. There is a lot of good stuff here.

Okay, cutting to the chase: I have never slept with another man and I don't want to. I no longer want to have sex with him and have been having sex with women behind his back. I have long been attracted to women and suspect I would have been in a relationship with one by now if my life took a different path. I love my boyfriend, his family, our friends, our life. But nothing makes me feel more "me" than lying next to a woman after we have gotten each other off for hours. Do I come out, wreck my life and his, all because of one small part of who I am? Or do I stop being an unfaithful bitch and make things work with the man I love?

Why Do I Have To Dig Chicks?

First off, WDIHTDC, no one has to dig chicks. It's an elective, not a course requirement. (Except at Evergreen, of course.)

Now, seeing as you and your boyfriend are young enough to get out there and find new partners relatively easily, and seeing as this man who you profess to love has a right (1) not to be lied to for the rest of his life and (2) not to be cheated on for the rest of his life and (3) to be with a woman who actually wants to have sex with him, there's only one course of action here. Thank your boyfriend for his years of faithful service—honor his service—and cut his ass loose.

If you play your cards right, WDIHTDC, you may be able to keep your ex, his family, and your mutual friends in your life. But if you continue to lie and cheat and munch carpet on the down-low, and you get caught and outed, it's unlikely that your ex, his family, and your mutual friends will want to see your lying, cheating, carpet-munchin' face ever again.

I just read the advice you gave to the kid married for six months. His wife bought a strap-on once he brought up anal. You threw a line in there about Western Washington University and Bend Over Boyfriend, an instructional video about pegging. Are you implying that the WWU girls are into this? I live 10 minutes from the main campus and would love to find a dominant pegger. Just don't know how I would even begin the conversation.

Submissive U-Peggee

Did I say that WWU shows Bend Over Boyfriend as a part of freshman orientation? I may have misspoken. Or mistypen. It's just that I recently gave a speech at WWU, and the students there asked so many questions about pegging during the Q&A that I just assumed that Bend Over Boyfriend is shown to incoming classes at that fine institution of higher learning. (And I'm not saying that it shouldn't be shown, only that it isn't. It most definitely should. Indeed, Bend Over Boyfriend should be shown continuously in every frat house in North America from late August through early June.) But I would beg you, SUP, not to stalk WWU's campus in search of a dominant pegger. If you're having trouble finding a pegger through normal channels (surfing the web, asking women you're dating, hanging out at Wendy's), SUP, then you'll just have to rent one.

Oh, and speaking of speaking at colleges: If you want me to come to your campus and give a talk—we call it "Savage Love Live"— e-mail the folks who handle my speaking gigs at


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Comments (10) RSS

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Pretty cool idea - having Dan over as a speaker. If I was actually in Washington (or remotely close), I would really consider the opportunity.
Posted by JCW on September 21, 2008 at 11:44 AM · Report this
my advice to the girl who digs chicks:
I am also 30, and have recently ended my long term relationship with my common law husband to be with a woman. Thing is, we bought a house together and are still living together, now with different bedrooms. We are still best friends, and affectionate, and the love is still there, but changed. He is also now seeing another lovely woman.

So take heart, being truthful and following your heart will never wreck your life! He will still be your friend, and you will always love each other. You won't regret exploring your desire for women.
Posted by Bi truthful on October 5, 2008 at 10:24 PM · Report this
I guess being faithful to your partner is just a word, cause it seems like everyone is freaking cheating on each other. Hell, after reading soooooo many of these columns, I'm scared to get into a relationship. Oh well fuck it I'll just stay single and just hook up with different sluts. No need to get my feelings involve. PEACE OUT :)
Posted by darkjoker222000 on October 8, 2008 at 6:39 PM · Report this
"Hell, after reading soooooo many of these columns, I'm scared to get into a relationship. Oh well fuck it I'll just stay single and just hook up with different sluts. No need to get my feelings involve."

Yes, there's a plan. Pretend that your failure to have a real relationship is due to all the horror stories you read on Savage Love. Because as much as we all love this column (I heart U, Dan!), guess what: this is only a representative sample of PEOPLE WHO ARE FUCKED UP IN LOVE. (Which is all of us, at one time or another, but not all of us all the time). People who are perfectly happy, hanging out on the couch watching reruns of House aren't writing in to Dan. So give it a try, you puss. You might just like it.
Posted by Shelby on October 27, 2008 at 9:38 PM · Report this
To "Bi truthful": I'm very glad that WDIHTDC's scenario worked out so well for you and your ex, but I think you gave some overly optimistic advice in your reply. I definitely think that WDIHTDC needs to prepare for the possibility that her current boyfriend could be very hurt, and feel more than a little betrayed. WDIHTDC never said she *stopped* having sex with her boyfriend, just that she didn't want to anymore.

I completely agree with Dan's advice about WDIHTDC doing the decent thing and being completely honest about her current situation. But telling her that: "He will still be your friend, and you will always love each other." feels like what head-shrinkers refer to as 'Projection' on your part masquerading as sound advice.
Posted by Ancient on November 26, 2008 at 9:23 PM · Report this
I think that, handled correctly, basically as dan advised, situations like WDIHTDC's can and often do end up hapilly as said by another reader, at least in long term. My dads first wife after 18 years together, and two kids, discovered her love for women and was up front about it. It was really rough in him at first, although he understood, just because of Beeing, allthogh for good reason, effectivly dumped. He is now remaried and quite happy, and has a strong relationship to his first wife, and to her current wife.
Just trying to give another positive, to help to make a difficult choice
Posted by jazz on December 15, 2008 at 10:05 PM · Report this
How awesome. I go to WWU, and missed your talk, come back!
Posted by red on June 26, 2009 at 11:02 AM · Report this

In light of the ruling to shield these people, please post the names of WA State residents who supported Prop 8 in CA.

You can sort by State, then Amount, & higher contributors have
business names you should post, too.

Mike Murray Support $100,000.00 WA Redmond 10/27/08 Details
Donald Pugh Support $50,000.00 WA Bellevue 10/27/08 Details
Lin Whatcott Support $10,005.00 WA Maple Valley 10/18/08 Details
Lin Whatcott Support $9,995.00 WA Maple Valley 9/16/08 Details
Bryant Adams Support $5,000.00 WA Tumwater 10/28/08 Details
Deborah Bell Support $2,500.00 WA Bingen 9/11/08 Details
William Ziprick Support $2,000.00 WA Spokane 10/31/08 Details
Larry Loveridge Support $1,000.00 WA Kennewick 8/28/08 Details
Clyde Carpenter Support $1,000.00 WA Olympia 9/18/08 Details
Marie Wade Support $1,000.00 WA Longview 9/19/08 Details
Jacob Waldron Support $1,000.00 WA Maple Valley 10/19/08 Details
Mark Yokers Support $1,000.00 WA Normandy Park 10/30/08 Details
Sheree Tanner Support $750.00 WA Vancouver 9/9/08 Details
David Lloyd Support $585.00 WA Redmond 9/7/08 Details
Bennett Packard Support $500.00 WA Selah 7/1/08 Details
Elaine Dunn Support $500.00 WA Spokane Valley 7/7/08 Details
Michael Anderson Support $500.00 WA Port Orchard 8/4/08 Details
Heather Shelton Support $500.00 WA Dupont 8/24/08 Details
Geoff Davis Support $500.00 WA Redmond 8/27/08 Details
Andrew Wheelwright Support $500.00 WA Monroe 8/29/08 Details
Posted by Bitch With Facts on August 3, 2009 at 4:02 PM · Report this
This is from ages ago but I'm posting now anyway. From Dan:

Why Do I Have To Dig Chicks?

"First off, WDIHTDC, no one has to dig chicks. It's an elective, not a course requirement. (Except at Evergreen, of course.)"

How stupid! I know you're not stupid Dan but this comment certainly is a stupid one. She didn't write, "why does the world have to dig chicks?" Presumably, you have enough sense not to apply her question to the rest of the world. Apparently, not.

Posted by Frederica Bimble on March 12, 2011 at 6:30 AM · Report this
People who are perfectly happy, hanging out on the couch watching reruns of House aren't writing in to Dan. So give it a try, you puss. You might just like it.
er, no. Don't encourage this knob to go out and "date." If the guy doesn't have enough sense to realise that women aren't "sluts" just because they are having sex with him (which implies his own guilt surrounding sex and not the women he is with) then maybe he needs to go and find some happiness so he has something to share with others instead of just taking.
Posted by Frederica Bimble on March 12, 2011 at 7:15 AM · Report this

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