Joe Newton

I'm a 21-year-old college guy. I used to be chubby, and then, about a year ago, I hit the gym. Then I started having my sister dress me, because I have no fashion sense. When the weight came off and muscles came on, women really started to notice me. Suddenly women couldn't keep their hands off me. Now I'm one of those guys I always wanted to be, i.e. good-looking and confident. But I'm not mean. I'm not a dickhead. I understand and appreciate women.

But even when I was fat, I was picky. I can't be with a woman to whom I'm not completely attracted: looks, body, intelligence, sense of humor. So despite some offers during high school, I waited to have sex until last summer. I met a girl and fell in love. Having heard so many people complain about crappy, first-time sexual experiences, I'm glad I waited. When it did happen, it was beautiful.

But it didn't last. Six months and a lot of time in the gym later, stunningly beautiful women are asking me--ME!--for my phone number. Poor me, right? The trouble is that I'm really picky, like I said, and I'm not capable of anything casual. I attach too much emotion to sex. Which leads, finally, to why I'm writing.

I'm sensitive. I understand women. I'm deep. I'm artsy. I'm level-headed, direct, and ALWAYS honest, even when it hurts. But the same thing keeps happening to me: Beautiful, Deep, Intelligent, Strong, Independent Woman (BDISIW) meets me. BDISIW shows interest. BDISIW finds out there's more to me than most guys. BDISIW realizes that I always mean what I say and say what I mean. Then, without fail, BDISIW shelves me. Four times in a row--and that's a lot, considering how picky I am--I've been told I'm "settle-down material," not dating material, and I'm dumped.

So why did I bother molding myself from a pathetic, desperate, outsider kid into a popular, attractive, friendly, successful guy? The fact that I genuinely want to get to know someone before I get physical seems to get in the way. What's the solution?

Good-Looking Guy

As you believe your problem stems, to a large degree, from your devastatingly good looks, I'm annoyed that you failed to enclose a nude photograph of yourself. There are a lot of people out there who aren't as good-looking as they believe themselves to be, and, for all I know, you could be one of them. Without a recent photograph, I can't be certain that you are, in point of fact, foxier than Fox Foxerson.

But for the sake of argument, I'll take your word for it. You're hot, and women in bars crawl under your table to write their phone numbers on your calves with indelible markers. But out of the four women you've condescended to date since your transformation--women who met with your picky approval--all four dumped you. Why?

Hmm... I have a hunch.

When the women who dumped you explained that you were "settle-down material," and not dating material, they were either attempting to spare your feelings or extricate themselves from your company as quickly and painlessly as possible. I suspect the latter. Women don't generally dump guys for being good-looking or sensitive or artsy or deep. If you had more dating experience, or if you had the social skills God gave long-grain rice, you would know that "You're not settle-down material" is a variation on "You're too good for me," which is a face-saving, feeling-sparing white lie. Roughly translated, "You're too good for me" means "The more I get to know you, the less attractive you are."

Had the four women who dumped you been honest with you--you know, even when it hurts--they would've said something like this: "When we met, I wanted to sit on your face because you were so hot. Now I just wanna sit on your face to shut you up. My God, you are so boring. I just can't take six more months of this 'deep, meaningful' bullshit before I get to see you naked. Goodbye."

It's like this, GLG: While sensitive, understanding, passionate, deep, artsy, direct, and honest are all virtues, it's possible for a man to be too sensitive, too understanding, too deep, too artsy, too direct, and too honest. Carried to an extreme, every one of your supposed virtues, GLG, quickly becomes repulsive, self-indulgent vices. In other words, you can say what you mean and mean what you say, but if what you're saying is annoying the women you're saying it to, well, meaning it won't do you much good.

Are you with me? You can look like Keanu Reeves, dress like Puff Daddy, and smell like a bar of chocolate melting in Brad Pitt's ass crack, but if sitting still for endless conversations about just how deep and artsy and sensitive you are is the price of admission, well, not a lot of women are gonna stick around long enough to ride your ride.

So what should you do? I would urge you to whip your personality into shape just like you whipped your body into shape. You say you can't do casual, but all relationships start off casual. You have to show a woman you can do casual well before she'll be willing to get serious about you. As you've seen, getting too serious too soon scares people off. If you can't do that, if your personality is hopeless, then you'll have to wait for a woman to come along who's every bit as annoying as you are. Good luck.


I seem to have erectile hyperfunction. I'm 23 years old, single, and have no control over my penis (which is easily noticed when erect). On more than one occasion, I lost my chances with girls on the dance floor or at the bar because of this problem. I come across as some sort of sicko. Is there a way I can tame or conceal my arousal?

Ever-Ready

When you suffer from an embarrassing or inappropriate erection--like on the dance floor--excuse yourself, go to the bathroom, and beat off.


I hate sex. I was molested when I was small and detest kissing. My boyfriend can't satisfy me unless he eats me out, which he thinks is nasty. He claims to love me, but he hurts my feelings when he says going down on a girl is nasty.

In Serious Pain

If you hate sex and detest kissing, then WHY ON EARTH DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND? Instead of begging a boyfriend to eat you out--which is sex, by the way--you should be spending some quality time begging a therapist to help you sort out the damage done to you in childhood. Here's a good rule of thumb: Molested as a child? Get help before you get laid.

letters@savagelove.net


Hey, Gay Boys:

The Stranger Personals is hosting a Homo Game Night this coming Wednesday, March 7, at Rosebud Restaurant & Bar on Pike. We'll supply the games--checkers, chess, Risk, Boggle, Trivial Pursuit--and leave the flirting, drinking, and falling in love to you guys. The games start at 8:00 p.m., and you get in free with a filled-out Boys Seeking Boy personal ad.