Savage Love Podcast
Check out the all new Savage Lovecast site!
Got a question for Dan Savage?
Call the Savage Love Podcast at 206-201-2720
or email Dan at email@example.com.
Savage Love Archives
Sluts and Such
Your Sister's Keeper
More from Dan Savage
The Pope Won't Judge—But People Who Work for Him Continue to Fire
Elton John Denounces Russian Anti-LGBT Laws During Performance in Moscow
The Homeschool Apostates
SLLOTD: Judgment Day
Books by Dan Savage
- American Savage
- It Gets Better: Coming Out, Overcoming Bullying, and Creating a Life Worth Living
- The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage, and My Family
- Things I've Learned from Women Who've Dumped Me
- Skipping Towards Gomorrah
- The Kid: What Happened After My Boyfriend and I Decided to Go Get Pregnant
Want a Second Opinion?
Contact Dan Savage
September 4, 2008
I'm a 38-year-old straight male in a long-term relationship. We have two children. My spouse and I have been physically disconnected for years. This led to some rather sleazy adulterate behavior on my part. We recently discussed the topic (at which time I informed her of my indiscretions); we have decided to remain together for our children because we work well together as parents and we are good friends. We have also decided to "open" our relationship. We both want the same thing: a companion of the opposite sex, a lover. My spouse has one. It is someone I am acquainted with, and I know him to be a responsible person. I have been looking, but no luck. I posted an ad online, but only managed to attract a Russian scammer. Some direction would be appreciated.
I should mention that I am very good-looking, in superb physical condition, charismatic, and highly educated.All Too Human
Don't let modesty prevent you from listing modesty among your many qualities, ATH, as the chicks really dig that modesty stuff. Okay, so...
You're looking for a companion of the opposite sex, a lover, someone who understands you're committed to staying in your marriage for the sake of the kids, someone you know to be trustworthy, someone who gets the whole open-relationship concept...
How about the wife?
I know, I know: You two physically disconnected after the births of your children; you engaged in some sleazy adulterate behavior. But that's all out in the open now and you've decided to stay together because you're good parents, partners, and friends, and you've opened the relationship up to seek friends-with-benefits, as the straight people call 'em, or fuck buddies, as we gay people like to call 'em.
But why not have sex with each other, anyway?
Not exclusively, of course. It's important that you leave things open, ATH, because openness may help your wife realize that Person A can be married to Person B, have sex with Person C (and perhaps Persons D and E), and still be a loving spouse to Person B. If she's at all introspective, ATH, your wife will come to this realization because that's what she herself is doing. She's having sex with another man, while being a good and loving wife to you and a good and loving mom to her kids.
Once she has this realization—that love and commitment, and not sexual exclusivity, is the bond that you two share—she may be able to forgive you your pre-open-marriage adulterate behavior. And you may be able to restore your sexual connection, even if you never become completely sexually exclusive again.
In the meantime, ATH, there are many more frustrated married men seeking sex online than there are frustrated married women. But since your deal with the wife doesn't exclude mutual friends and acquaintances—look who she's with—then there's no need for you to troll online. Be open and honest with friends about your situation and your search. If you really are the superb, charismatic, and highly educated piece of ass you claim to be, you'll soon be fielding offers from single female friends and/or secretly frustrated married female friends.
For some reason, I have always found Native Americans to be sexually attractive. But the semidark skin and traditional breechcloth thing isn't easy to find in porn or real life. I was wondering if you had some pointers for someone with a bad case of Native American Jungle Fever.Native Amateur
"The letter writer is correct," says Sherman Alexie, a Native American and a National Book Award–winning author who was willing to demean himself by giving me a quote. "There is a dearth of Native American porn."
But Alexie tells me that once, while hunting for antique board games, he typed "cowboy and Indian action figures" into Google and found his way to a site that featured U.S. Cavalry soldiers and loinclothed Indians smoking more than peace pipes. But that's all he's got, pornwise. As for real life...
"There's just no way your reader is going to find an Indian willing to put on a loincloth for sexual purposes," says Alexie. "Unless that Indian is a seriously damaged, culturally disconnected, politically unaware, and unsafe-sex-practicing slut."
I part ways with Alexie here. Not because I know more about Native Americans or Native American kinks. Goodness, no. But over the years, I've heard from too many healthy, politically aware, and sexually safe African Americans who dig role-playing slavery scenarios—and too many good Jews who get off on concentration-camp scenarios, and too many polite Canadians who adore clueless-American-tourist scenarios ("Ooh, ask me who our 'president' is again!")—to rule out the possibility that there are smart, safe Native Americans genuinely interested in role-playing cowboys-in-injuns out there somewhere. But they're gonna be rare, NA.
So what can you do to up your odds of finding the action you seek?
"If the letter writer is an attractive blond female," says Alexie, "she can head to the next powwow in the region where she lives, pick out a handsome fancydancer, and hit on him. She'll either get laid in the back of a casino-money-financed SUV or she'll get assaulted by a roving band of Indian women looking to protect our most precious and dwindling resource: Native American men."
Dan, I need to know. What bodily function is the opposite of an orgasm? Thanks a lot.Could Use More
"Though it's not exactly a bodily function, the back spasm is the opposite of an orgasm," says Sherman Alexie, the National Book Award–winning author.
"Why did he send that question to Alexie?" some of my readers are no doubt asking themselves. That is a question only a thoughtless bigot would ask and I shouldn't dignify it with a response. But let's approach this as a teaching moment: I sent this question to Alexie because he is the father of two and, we can reasonably extrapolate, the haver of orgasms, which more than qualifies him. Back to Alexie:
"While the orgasm is the pleasurable release of stress, the back spasm is the painful reminder of collected and unexpelled stress. I am currently typing one-handed because I am shoving my fist deep into my lower back as some sort of half-assed pressure-point massage. Of course, since the U.S. has become a chair-and-computer culture, the number of people who are currently massaging their wrecked backs is vastly larger than the number who are massaging their sexual organs."
And when you pause to consider that all of the U.S. and most of Canada were basically built on top of a giant Indian graveyard, I'd say we're getting off easy with a little lower-back pain.