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Happy Endings

November 22, 2001

By Dan Savage
After watching a few episodes of Mind of the Married Man on HBO, I thought I would go out and try to get a massage with a "happy ending." I looked through the Yellow Pages and classified ads and found a massage "spa" in a neighboring town. Heart full of hope, I went to the spa, and found it to be encouragingly low-budget and almost dingy--but clean. The Asian woman who greeted me (and who was the only worker in the place) asked if I would like a shower and massage. I was sure I had found the right place. Sadly, I was mistaken. The shower consisted of me showering myself. The massage, though it was very relaxing and soothing, ended more like a shoe-shine. I went back the next week, in case she was worried that I was a cop or something, and got the same nice massage with no happy ending.My question is this: Should I ask for a "happy ending" to my massage? If so, should it be at the end or before things start? Also, are there subtle ways to tell which "parlors" may have masseuses that conclude the massage with a handjob? I was operating under the assumption that "therapeutic" and "AMT Certified" were words to avoid in this quest.

Seeking The Right Oriental Kind of Exotic Massage Expert

In addition to avoiding "spas" that use "therapeutic" and "AMT Certified" in their ads, you should also avoid massage therapists who describes themselves as a LMPs (licensed massage practitioners) and "spas" that use tasteful line drawings of trees or streams in their ads. What you should be looking for are places that use images of sleazy-looking women with big hair in their ads (think Nagel print), as those are the places you're most likely to find a happy ending.

But if you want a handjob from the nice lady, STROKEME (well done!), you're gonna have to ask the nice lady for a handjob. Here's the code: After you arrive, and after the woman gets a feel for whether you're a cop or not, ask her this simple question: "Do you offer erotic massage with release?" Yes, it sounds creepy. That's because "happy endings" are creepy; in your situation, the creep factor can't be avoided.



What are the accepted norms surrounding ejaculation during blowjobs? Should a guy just let it go while the giver has his penis in her mouth, or should the guy inform the giver of the impending explosion? I'm talking about first-time encounters here; obviously as a relationship develops, partners can talk more openly about these matters. But I feel stupid asking a girl during our first encounter whether she'd like a mouthful of cum.

Wondering What To Do With My Spunk

By the time a girl has her mouth wrapped around your cock, WWTDWMS, you've hopefully established something of a rapport. It may not be a full-fledged relationship, but we can infer from the fact that she's taken your penis into her mouth that you and the young lady are on speaking terms. If you don't feel like you know the girl who's sucking your cock well enough to mumble a few words of warning prior to coming, well, then perhaps the blowjob was premature.

So what do you say when she's blowing you and you're getting close? When you're reaching the point of no return, simply say, "Oh, baby, if you keep doing that, whoa, I'm gonna come...." If she redoubles her efforts, that's a sign that she wants you to come in her mouth. But you're not off the hook yet: When you're past the point of no return, when you're actually beginning to come, say, "Oh, baby, I'm coming...." Then it's her call: In her mouth, on her face, in her hand, over her shoulder, right back at you--she's got ahold of your cock, and once you're coming she can point it and shoot it wherever she likes.



what do you do when... you have been going out with a girl for more then a year... but she hasn't had sex yet... and neither have you... we talk about it... you know... and she says that she wants to wait... she has given me oral sex and i have also given her oral... but that's as far as she wants to go... you know... she says she loves me dearly... and i also love her... she wants to save it for marriage... but sometimes i think i cant wait... i just want to give it to her... what should I do...

gotta have it...

i dunno... maybe you should... propose... if you want it that badly... maybe you should... you know... marry it... or you could look at it this way... there are lots of guys... you know... your age... who never get blowjobs... you know... so you're doing pretty good... you know... and waiting isn't so bad... and if you love her... well... maybe you should respect her decision to wait... so long as she keeps those blowjobs coming... and who knows... since she knows you're anxious to give it to her... maybe she'll change her mind... if you're not too pushy... in the meantime... you'll just have to... you know... wait...



I have been reading your column for a couple of years and have never felt compelled to respond to a letter until now. Chilled In Chicago's surprise about finding a condom wrapper in her home after she cut her husband off for several months is astonishing. In fact, it is generally mind-boggling that spouses (both men and women) all over the world treat their mates like garbage, cut them off from sex, and then act surprised when they find themselves alone.

In CIC's case it probably isn't just sex that is missing--I would venture a guess that her relationship is devoid of any intimacy, and that her husband is absolutely desperate for attention. He has been replacing sex with cyberporn for several months and CIC hasn't noticed it. That means he has been cleaning his chair, his computer memory, Internet history, and media history. This is not a man who leaves condom wrappers lying around by accident. CIC found that wrapper because hubby wanted her to. He wants a fight so that she can finally tell him what the hell is going on. He wants to know why he isn't getting sex, and how to fix it. So CIC needs to cut the crap and explain to him in CLEAR and SIMPLE language what will make her a happy, horny spouse again. If she can't do that, she either needs to turn a blind eye or cut him loose. Celibacy is not one of the marriage vows.

Seeing The Other Perspective

Thanks for sharing, STOP, and I would add only this: If CIC wants to stay married but won't tell her husband what he needs to do to make her horny again, then CIC is going to have to turn a blind eye to a lot more than masturbation. If you cut off a spouse you want to stay married to (for the kids, for appearances, for whatever), well, then you'd better be willing to turn a blind eye to your spouse actually having sex with other people. From getting handjobs from massage therapists to carrying on a full-blown affair with someone else's sad, neglected spouse, married people who've been cut off at home have every right to seek it out elsewhere.

letters@savagelove.net

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As a massage therapist's daughter, I can tell you that they much prefer to be asked «Do you perform erotic massages?» at the BEGINNING of the session. This way it's awkward for 5 minutes and not a full hour. Don't worry, they get asked all the time, they'll keep their professional face on. In fact they'll be grateful that you spared them all the creepy hint-dropping.
Posted by Biev on November 26, 2012 at 7:38 AM · Report

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