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Had to Get Away

August 3, 2011

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Hey, everybody: two things...

First: Last week, the GOP officially "denounced" me. The nation is at peace, Americans are going back to work, and the climate situation is completely under control—so, hey, why not go after the gay dude who writes that smutty sex column and gives Rick Santorum fits?

Second: Last week, a Savage Love reader denounced me for failing to devote any recent column inches to my readers' titillating anecdotes. As I hate disappointing a reader, I invited folks to send in their dirty/sexy vacation stories. Here's the best of the bunch.


I was 15 and on vacation in Cape Cod. Beaches never did anything for me, so I excused myself to go back to the hotel. On my way, I ran into another teenager, a girl. I struck up a conversation and was surprised to hear her answer in a British accent. Like myself, she was bored as hell. I invited her to my hotel room to get high. I make my move, which she goes along with. We're both naked when I get an awful idea that would make any sane and sober girl run screaming for the hills. Being young and ripped, I vocalize it without considering the outcome: "What if you pretend to be Hermione Granger?" This was about the time of the fourth movie release, and I had a big crush on Emma Watson. As soon as the words left my lips, I knew that I wasn't getting laid that day. But I got laid that day.

The Wander Years

Seven years ago, we went to a wedding. Upon arrival, my girlfriend and I found ourselves in the quaintest, daintiest, lace-doiliest B&B we'd ever seen. The wedding was a wonderful affair held in a historic building. By the time the two of us returned to the B&B, we were drunk, happy, and horny. If I had been reading Savage Love back then, I would've known that we were breaking all the anal sex rules: It had been a first-date activity for us, we never took it slow, and we never used lots of lube. It had always worked before. This time, however, was different. With her on all fours on the lace doily bedspread, I pulled back and noticed what could not be described as santorum (no lube, just fecal matter). We immediately headed for the shower with her exclaiming loudly how much she "hates when there's shit!" We got clean. The sheets were a different story. I can't remember whether we left them there or stole them, but I do remember the chilly farewell we received from the lady who ran the place. It occurred to me then just how nonsoundproof the walls of a 150-year-old clapboard house probably are.

That Comes From There?

I was 19. He was older and married. We were both in Utah for a folk-dancing event. He and his wife were nonmonogamous—in the open way, not in the (sometimes creepy) Mormon way. His wife wasn't interested in playing with me, so he and I fucked in the back of his truck while she folk-danced at the folk festival I'd traveled to frickin' Utah to attend. The next day, he drove me the hour back to their house in Salt Lake City so we could fuck some more.

The next time we ran into each other was at yet another folk festival. We found an unused second-floor room in one of the buildings and used a piano to barricade the door. We left the window open for ventilation, and so that our vocalizations could rain down on the heads of the innocent Seattleites going about their folk festival business.

Frickin' Utah

I'm a bi male, 25, and into bondage. Four years ago, I responded to the personal ad of a reasonably attractive French guy with an unreasonably amazing dungeon. I sent pictures and said I'd love to spend a weekend in his dungeon if I ever made it over. He offered to pay for a plane ticket if I would spend a week in his dungeon. After doing Christmas and NYE with the family, I headed to Paris for the last week of my winter break. Within 48 hours, I was begging him to let me out. He agreed to let me go if I still wanted out in two hours. But the bondage was "only real now" that I wanted out, he said in his sexy French accent, and he told me—while slowly stroking my dick—that I was beautiful and brave and strong and that I could get through the week. Which is what I did. On my last night in Paris, he took me to an expensive restaurant, ordered a bottle of champagne, and toasted my bravery and strength.

Best Week Ever

About 10 years ago, when I was 15, my very lenient parents took me and two of my girlfriends to one of those all-inclusive resorts in Mexico. We partied and drank with some nice Mexican boys we met on the beach. On our final night, we all downed a bunch of flaming shots. Long story short: I ended up falling through a second-story window and cutting my head pretty badly, one of my girlfriends and I got into a drunken fistfight (I still have no idea about what), and then I lost my virginity on the beach to one of those nice Mexican boys. I woke up the next morning with a hangover, drunken shits, and a pussy full of sand. The plane ride back was miserable... but, oh, what a memory.

Good Times

In the Provincetown dunes, my BF and I met another couple with the same first names as ours. They invited us to their campsite later that night. That's when I learned four is the tangle threshold—four bodies can literally get so tangled you have to stop to undo yourselves. They had a little propane lamp, and as we were leaving, we could see their shadows from outside the tent—meaning we had just done a four-way shadow show for everyone in the campsite.

Rob #2

I have just returned from vacation—or "holiday," as we say in the UK—so here goes: My boyfriend and I both love hiking, so off we went to the Lake District, one of the prettiest walking regions in the country. The highest mountain in England, Scafell Pike, is there, so of course we had to climb it, just like pretty much every other tourist. What most of them don't do is attempt the two-hour ridge traverse to reach the top of the second highest mountain in England, Scafell. We did. Whereas Scafell Pike had been so crowded there was no space for us to sit and have lunch, Scafell was deserted. I've always had a kink for outdoor sex, and it seems he has a fetish for mountain scenery, because we had possibly the best sex we've ever had on top of that mountain, enjoying spectacular views of the gorgeous English countryside. There is nothing like being fucked while staring out at the landscape that inspired the poetry of Wordsworth and Coleridge!

Climber Loves Impulsive Fell Fucking

Thanks for sharing, vacationers. Your regularly scheduled sex advice returns next week—now go Google "santorum," everybody.


Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

mail@savagelove.net

 

Comments (89) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
1 Comment Pulled (OffTopic) Comment Policy
2
I'm jealous...I want to be denounced by the GOP too!
Posted by MGroesbeck on August 2, 2011 at 5:53 PM · Report this
Seeds 3
Boring.
Posted by Seeds on August 2, 2011 at 5:55 PM · Report this
4
I heart these stories.
Posted by urbanrealtor on August 2, 2011 at 5:56 PM · Report this
5
What are drunken shits? Fecal, or friends she no longer liked?
Posted by EricaP on August 2, 2011 at 6:03 PM · Report this
6
I want to spend a week in a French dungeon, and I'm a 20 yo bi male. What was that guy's recon?
Posted by jackyboy on August 2, 2011 at 6:18 PM · Report this
JulietEcho 7
Those were incredibly awesome. My favorites: Hermione Granger sex and the dungeon in Paris. Although, yikes, that one seemed a bit risky.
Posted by JulietEcho on August 2, 2011 at 6:36 PM · Report this
Lechugo 8
I want to meet paris too (L)
Posted by Lechugo on August 2, 2011 at 6:55 PM · Report this
9
The fact that so many of these are about 15 year olds squigs me out. I understand they aren't 15 now... but still. Blech.
Posted by MorbidMiss on August 2, 2011 at 7:41 PM · Report this
10
@5 Just in case you were really asking and not just punning around, drunken shits, in this context, are fecal. They are essentially colonic anger, the analogue of the more familiar hangover symptoms of headache, queasiness, and vomiting. As with most hangover symptoms, drunken shits are rare among adults who have learned how to minimize the after-effects of excessive drink, and are mostly found among teenagers, blackout drunks, and drunks who eat too much spicy and/or greasy food.
Posted by Functional Atheist on August 2, 2011 at 7:42 PM · Report this
11
@10 - thanks! I did not know that.
Posted by EricaP on August 2, 2011 at 8:57 PM · Report this
12
In a hotel in Roseburg, Oregon, I was kept up from about 3 to 6 AM with vocal, squeaky, animal sex. What amazed me so much was the sheer stamina and the fact that it was just your standard Holiday Inn: pretty thick walls.

And having folk danced an hour south of Salt Lake, I have to say that I never knew our scene was so kinky! Open relationships are more common than you might think around here . . . I experienced that (to my great delight) this past month. In fact, the pure horniness of the repressed Utah population makes Seattle look like one of the more dull parts of Hawthornian New England.
Posted by Portia27 on August 2, 2011 at 9:30 PM · Report this
13
Ok, Savage posters, you show me yours I'll show you mine. Continue in the spirit by sharing your kinkiest story...
Posted by maddy811 on August 2, 2011 at 9:52 PM · Report this
14
I met a really cool woman while vacationing in the philippines, she was doing the same. I know this is kind of vanilla, but she told me that she was a virgin, ie did everything but fuck, and would I be ok with just oral? Oh my fucking god yes! Well, I kind of skeeged her out or something and she wouldn't stay with me that night, but the next, we did hook up, and it was pure holiday erotic heaven. We kind of stayed connected after the trip, she did give it up to me when we met up again, and we've been together ever since.
Posted by textthatappearsbelow on August 2, 2011 at 11:24 PM · Report this
15 Comment Pulled (Spam) Comment Policy
16
Dan and family,

Welcome to Hawaii! Hope your enjoying the sun and beach!
Posted by igbfan on August 3, 2011 at 3:49 AM · Report this
17
Loved these letters, especially Hermione.
Posted by BlackRose on August 3, 2011 at 5:48 AM · Report this
18
*sigh* Why am I kinky and adventurous but have no awesome sex stories to compare to this?
Posted by DrReality on August 3, 2011 at 6:56 AM · Report this
AFinch 19
These were all fun. The trip to Paris was pretty daring.
Posted by AFinch on August 3, 2011 at 7:50 AM · Report this
20
More like this, please!
Posted by My Name Here on August 3, 2011 at 8:15 AM · Report this
21
Hey CLIFF, remember that old Cosmo tip for next time: "When you're out on a hike with your man, slip a small, smooth stone into your pocket when he's not looking. Then when you're making love in an open field, retrieve the stone and gently press the small, smooth stone into the sensitive spot between his testicles and his anus. Guaranteed to drive him wild!"
Posted by jzimbert on August 3, 2011 at 8:19 AM · Report this
22
while these sound like fun, they weren't really very kinky
Posted by iamthiswoman on August 3, 2011 at 8:23 AM · Report this
23
These were the best stories?! I feel like this column was by 15 year olds for 15 year olds. Lame
Posted by Terpsichorean on August 3, 2011 at 9:14 AM · Report this
24
Vacation doldrums. Sorry, such stories can be read many places on the net. We want psycho-sexual quandries.
Posted by Hunter78 on August 3, 2011 at 9:27 AM · Report this
25
Ok, I actually think I can beat these stories, so what the hell.

(Prologue: I was raised in a pathologically conservative family around issues of sex and gender.)

Fast forward to me, a single woman of 27.

Having anal sex with my then boyfriend, me on all fours, him behind me.

As we were watching porn.

I started coming so hard that i no longer cared about what was happening on the tv.

He notices, and says, "Wait, wait, [maddy] you're not watching!"

I was coming so hard that I couldn't respond, couldn't catch my breath or make a noise, lost in one of those multiple orgasms that just goes on and on.

He misinterprets my silence as me being in pain, so stops thrusting and turns into my sweet concerned boyfriend... "Omg, are you ok? omg...i'm so sorry, are you alright, did i hurt you, talk to me?"

Of course, stopping mid-action was the last thing i wanted, so i managed to get out: "I'm... coming..."

Rapidly, but equally concerned, he exclaimed "Omg! I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry!!!" and then resumes thrusting like a trooper. His prompt reaction and then super-earnest attempt to right himself made me laugh harder than I've ever laughed before or since in bed.

I still beam when I think of it.

Posted by maddy811 on August 3, 2011 at 10:25 AM · Report this
26
@maddy - thanks for the smile!
Posted by EricaP on August 3, 2011 at 11:09 AM · Report this
santababy 27
Seriously? These were the best of the best kink stories? Though to be fair, the best stories aren't going to be vacation stories, since they're (and mine) are all mostly the same... spontaneous, albeit fairly vanilla, stranger sex in somewhat cool locations.
Posted by santababy on August 3, 2011 at 11:32 AM · Report this
28
Hello all,

When I was in college I just randomly visited a friend in another dorm across campus who invited me into another person's room to do some drinking. One of the other guests immediately started being rude to me, even singling me out for ridicule. Later, when I decided to leave, the woman who was being rude to me declares that she'd walk me to my dorm. Of course, she being tipsy, and completely unfamiliar with the campus (following a piss stop by her where she walked into a bush and dropped trou) I walked her back to the dorm and helped her sneak in through a window. The window happened to be into a small study room/lounge with a locking door and a comfortable couch. For some reason we started kissing, and I even made it to second base, before I finally got away some time later. The punchline: she was an acolyte Catholic nun. (Oddly enough she is the only woman I can recall even French kissing that I hadn't known for at least a few months, so I was almost more conservative.)

Peace.
Posted by Married in MA on August 3, 2011 at 11:46 AM · Report this
29
Sorry, Instead of acolyte, I meant novice.

IANAC*

(* I Am Not A Catholic, not even for her)
Posted by Married in MA on August 3, 2011 at 11:49 AM · Report this
30
My brother has a fun story about having sex in a public place. It ends like this: Then a cop came by and arrested us. We're registered sex offenders now. We had to tell all of our neighbors. My career as a teacher was ruined. The neighbors won't let their children come to our house to play with our daughter. In short, crime doesn't pay.
Posted by Kevin-94 on August 3, 2011 at 11:49 AM · Report this
Satyrblade 31
"Drunken Shits and the Pussy Full of Sand" needs to be a band name. Seriously.
Posted by Satyrblade on August 3, 2011 at 12:25 PM · Report this
32
Well, it's not holiday sex but it's kinky as hell:

While in my teens, I had a three year affair with my stepmom! I had been lusting after her for years and finally found the courage to let her know. She reluctanly agreed to meet me in my room, hoping a quick BJ would take care of my raging hormones. So began the best sex of my life - it became a weekly event (dad attended a weekly event) until I left home. Sometimes, since we were the first ones awake in the morning, we would get into some heavy petting. One of my hottest memories occured in the kitchen on such a morning when we went too far. I convinced her to let me in "for just a few strokes" with out a condom. She leaned over the countertop, lifted her night gown and I slid right in. After several strokes I couldn't stop myself and within moments of furious pounding I had to pull out and come on her ass.
Posted by mthrfckr on August 3, 2011 at 12:56 PM · Report this
33
The Wander Years cruely revived my almost diminished hope that someday someone will pretend to be Severus Snape for me.
Posted by mygash on August 3, 2011 at 1:32 PM · Report this
34
Mthrfckr, that's kinda hot.
Posted by cockyballsup on August 3, 2011 at 2:18 PM · Report this
35
#30:"My brother has a fun story about having sex in a public place. It ends like this: Then a cop came by and arrested us. We're registered sex offenders now. We had to tell all of our neighbors. My career as a teacher was ruined. The neighbors won't let their children come to our house to play with our daughter. In short, crime doesn't pay."

That's absolutely ridiculous. I've heard of people being registered as sex offenders for skinny dipping or peeing behind a bush. Only in America...
Posted by cockyballsup on August 3, 2011 at 2:20 PM · Report this
36
@21: "gently press the small, smooth stone into the sensitive spot between his testicles and his anus. Guaranteed to drive him wild!"

Or even better, into his hole...
Posted by cockyballsup on August 3, 2011 at 2:23 PM · Report this
37
@31,

OWWW! Seriously.

Peace.
Posted by Married in MA on August 3, 2011 at 2:28 PM · Report this
38
I am APPALLED that I have been getting sex advice from someone who hadn't even been denounced by the GOP! I feel like Dan has misled his readers about his credentials this whole time. Would we have taken anal advice from a man the GOP might have approved of? Of course not!

Readers should DEMAND that their sex advice comes from properly-denounced columnists ONLY. Anything less is un-American!
Posted by StillLoveYou on August 3, 2011 at 2:47 PM · Report this
39
The great tragedy in people being registered sex offenders for things like peeing in public or being 18 years old when having sex with a consenting 16 year old, is that in a short time, when people hear someone is a sex offender for raping 8 year olds, they will have no way of knowing what sort of sex offender the person is: the harmless kind or the big deal kind.
Posted by Crinoline on August 3, 2011 at 3:42 PM · Report this
40
I would totally pretend to be Hermione Granger if he pretended to be Harry Potter.
Posted by CTlady on August 3, 2011 at 4:24 PM · Report this
41
As far as Potter inspired role playing is concerned,

My wife and I would best portray Molly and Arthur Weasley, sans the red hair. She is closest to the Molly (from the book) dueling Beletrix; fierce for her family, and the mature lover listening to crooning love songs; hot to have her boiling cauldron stirred. Ahh, I love to whip my wand out and make some magic with my witch.

Speaking of movies, anyone else seen "Cowboys and Aliens"? Did you notice the alien top boss died in a shower of gold, or a "golden shower"? I think they missed a chance to have a real camp moment when the cowboys were firing on the aliens from behind to shoot them in the ass(hole); it stands to reason it would be one of the soft points on their bodies. Whatever.

Peace.
Posted by Married in MA on August 3, 2011 at 4:39 PM · Report this
42
"Registered sex offenders" represents a whole class of sadism by a majority to brutalize a minority. They can be denied the right to live within say 1000' of a school-- after the fact. Even the most brutal murderers have joined this band wagon-- they talk about how they will victimize "molesters". This is a massive punishment that can be laid down sometimes for minor infractions.

This hysteria is a replay of the anti-homosexuality hatred of the recent past, which has faded to the marriage issue.
Posted by Hunter78 on August 3, 2011 at 5:01 PM · Report this
43
No, please Google "Rick Santorum."

Santorum.com is only in third place if you Google his whole name.

We can make Santorum no. 1 (yeah, even though it comes out of an entirely different hole.)
Posted by judybrowni on August 3, 2011 at 7:04 PM · Report this
44
The sex offender hysteria, as it relates to minor things that would not even be offenses elsewhere in the West, shows that many Americans have not moved much, if at all, beyond the mentality of "The Scarlet Letter". Maybe a new generation that grew up with internet porn will have a more relaxed attitude, but expect things to get worse before they get better as the baby boomers try to drag the rest of us down with their last gasp.
Posted by cockyballsup on August 3, 2011 at 9:33 PM · Report this
45
@44,

"Maybe a new generation" will get it right? Good luck with that! Given the Boomers' Vietnam experiences, and widespread use of Pot, why are we in Iraq and medical marijuana is still illegal?

I seriously hoped when Obama came in, and the Dems had control of both houses, that they would go after war profiteers and thieves to get our money back (funny you don't hear the Teabagger law and order types railing for this). I believe Pot should be a taxable commodity like alcohol, even if I no longer use it. Better still, if hemp were legal to grow as a cash crop... But, it ain't gonna happen.

Sigh.

Peace.
Posted by Married in MA on August 4, 2011 at 3:51 AM · Report this
Lance Thrustwell 46
@21 - and everyone - that "small smooth stone" thing may have once been a real Cosmo tip, but more importantly it's been immortalized in an old Ron White comedy bit as an archetypal example of a random, desperate-to-fill-a-sex-advice-column tip that does NOT actually turn a man on. I think that's true. No one needs rocks on their taint.
Posted by Lance Thrustwell on August 4, 2011 at 8:22 AM · Report this
47
Last weekend for my birthday my husband took me to a strip club. I'm not an outgoing "party girl" type but am excited by that sort of thing. On the way home I couldn't wait to get my clothes off and since we live out in the country we had a long dark drive. Just past the city lights I started taking things off until when we pulled into the driveway all I had left was the skirt hiked up around my waist. He went in to pay the babysitter and I waited in the dark car until she left when I could run inside carrying my clothes. Then he tied me up and dominated me completely. It was great.
Posted by ksssss on August 4, 2011 at 8:41 AM · Report this
48
@34 - Thanks Cockyballsup (re comment #32), I'm still jerking to the memories some 20 years later...
Posted by Mthrfckr on August 4, 2011 at 10:22 AM · Report this
49
The City of Seattle internet filters now consider "Santorum" a naughty word - most of the top google results are blocked, including a couple news stories. ;)
Posted by huskygrrl on August 4, 2011 at 10:55 AM · Report this
50
One weekend, when I was 20, I was flying back home to California from visiting my family back East. I thought I was going to sit alone, when the last passenger getting on the plane sat down next to me. 30-something, HOT, businessman. I made a joking comment about him stealing my solitude, and he offered to buy drinks to make up for it. One thing led to another, we had awesome conversation, and eventually decided neither of us could pass up the opportunity to join the mile high club. We snuck to the bathroom. I went first; he followed. We had only a brief enocunter, before we got in the trouble, and the flight attendant came knocking on the door. We had an embarassing walk of shame back to our seats while the rest of the passengers were staring at us. It was awesome.
Posted by ThinMint on August 4, 2011 at 11:32 AM · Report this
51
Damn nosy flight attendants.
Posted by cockyballsup on August 4, 2011 at 12:33 PM · Report this
gttim 52
Dear Penthouse Forum,

I didn't think this would ever happen to me....

After a few decades of not seeing each other, an old college girlfriend invited me to a beach house her parents were renting. The first night we were very quiet while fooling around. The second night she felt uncomfortable with her parents in the adjoining room, so we did nothing. The third night, after she was slamming a bunch of tequila, I was hitting it hard from behind. The next morning her brother commented to me that you could hear everything through the walls in this beach house. Oops. I was leaving that morning anyways.
Posted by gttim on August 4, 2011 at 12:36 PM · Report this
53
Congratulations Dan! That's quite a feather in your cap!
Posted by LollyJean on August 4, 2011 at 1:47 PM · Report this
54
@47, that reminds me of the time I had to pay the babysitter with my hair sticky with cum... It was a fun night, but I think she may be catching on to me :-)
Posted by EricaP on August 4, 2011 at 1:58 PM · Report this
55
Didn't I see that movie, with Ben Stiller & Cameron Diaz?
Posted by wayne on August 4, 2011 at 3:26 PM · Report this
56
And speaking of sex offenders, did anyone see that item in yesterday's news about an 18-year-old who streaked a little league game & was caught because he dropped his cell phone (don't ask) & is now officially registered as a freakin' sex offender?

Jeez, make the guy clean the field or do a couple hours community service, but sex offender? On his record indefinitely? Ludicrous!
Posted by wayne on August 4, 2011 at 3:29 PM · Report this
57
Erica,

Was that from your husband or one of your internet hook-ups?
Posted by Hunter78 on August 4, 2011 at 3:39 PM · Report this
58
@39: I understand someone went on a shooting rampage a few years ago using the sex offender registry as his "to-do list" under exactly the same circumstances. So yeah, said confusion has indeed produced dire consequences already. And it kind of makes you wonder why said permanent record hasn't gone away yet.
Posted by gromm on August 4, 2011 at 3:57 PM · Report this
59
Alright, so my greatest story happened when I was 22 and now, 10 years later, it's still my best story to date.

I was a pervy little thing -- still am, actually -- and liked it any way, anywhere, and any time, as long as it was frequent. At the time of this story I had a thing for doing my really Catholic boyfriend inside really Catholic churces. Hot.

Anyway, he was playing in an alumni football game at his alma mater in some rural town in Oregon, and I was an ecstatic attendee. I mean, if you had seen the way his ass looked in his jersey pants you would have been hot in the panties, too. So he gets in my car later to make the trek to meet up with his teammates for pizza, but when we get close to the restaurant, instead of making the turn into the parking lot, I continue driving.

"Where are you going?" He said.

"Take off your pants" I replied.

He did, and I proceeded to give him road head ... while I was driving. Yep. Ladies and gentlemen, I gave my super hot boyfriend super hot oral while I was at the wheel. Safe? Nope. Memorable? You better believe it.

We're still friends now, though he's married with kids and I'm living the fast life in San Francisco. But that memory is never far from my mind. I have to figure it's not far from his, either.
Posted by TheRack on August 4, 2011 at 6:07 PM · Report this
60
Alright, so my greatest story happened when I was 22 and now, 10 years later, it's still my best story to date.

I was a pervy little thing -- still am, actually -- and liked it any way, anywhere, and any time, as long as it was frequent. At the time of this story I had a thing for doing my really Catholic boyfriend inside really Catholic churces. Hot.

Anyway, he was playing in an alumni football game at his alma mater in some rural town in Oregon, and I was an ecstatic attendee. I mean, if you had seen the way his ass looked in his jersey pants you would have been hot in the panties, too. So he gets in my car later to make the trek to meet up with his teammates for pizza, but when we get close to the restaurant, instead of making the turn into the parking lot, I continue driving.

"Where are you going?" He said.

"Take off your pants" I replied.

He did, and I proceeded to give him road head ... while I was driving. Yep. Ladies and gentlemen, I gave my super hot boyfriend super hot oral while I was at the wheel. Safe? Nope. Memorable? You better believe it.

We're still friends now, though he's married with kids and I'm living the fast life in San Francisco. But that memory is never far from my mind. I have to figure it's not far from his, either.
Posted by Letsgetunconscious on August 4, 2011 at 6:10 PM · Report this
61
i wish i hadn't looked at these last two unregistered duplicate posts. you're stupid and you suck. go crash somewhere.
Posted by ribs on August 4, 2011 at 8:45 PM · Report this
Mrs. DePointe 62
My most memorable sexcapade was doing it in the back of a blazer in the parking lot of a Christian bookstore. At sunrise, so it was bright as hell. Which is where I'll end up if that whole jesus thing turns out to be true.

Then I gave him head in the middle of a hiking path. Ahh, youth.
Posted by Mrs. DePointe on August 4, 2011 at 9:19 PM · Report this
63 Comment Pulled (Spam) Comment Policy
64 Comment Pulled (Spam) Comment Policy
65
After about five years of webcam play my online friend from Amsterdam announced that he'd be in L.A. on holiday and we could finally meet in person. A few days later I headed over to his room at a local gay resort and within a half hour found myself blindfolded naked with wrists tied to the headboard and ankles tied to the legs of the bed as he said "Bye!" and walked out leaving the door wide open. After about a half hour of trying to decide if this was the dumbest or hottest thing I'd ever done I heard voices in the hall and then a strange voice exclaim "shit--you weren't kidding!" as my Dutch friend's newly-met hot tub trick started touching me and driving me crazy. Alas, within ten minutes our third man loudly shot his load off thanks to some oral stimulation from Mr. Amsterdam, then grabbed his clothes and left without my ever having seen him. Following a few more hours of intense fun we got online and invited over a hot 18 year old Latin boy who kept us busy until noon the next day.
Posted by Whiteboyfunfark on August 5, 2011 at 5:37 AM · Report this
John Horstman 66
Congratulations on being denounced by the GOP! That's quite a feather in your cap, Dan!
Posted by John Horstman on August 5, 2011 at 7:49 AM · Report this
67
These were great! Now that I've Googled 'santorum' though...I don't think I will be inspired to take a go at anal sex ever Ever again.
Posted by MissBean on August 5, 2011 at 8:33 AM · Report this
68
I think everyone who loves Dan Savage will love this!

Dan, it'd be awesome to get Jamie Kilstein on your podcast!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IZnVTyqk…
Posted by Another Fan on August 5, 2011 at 1:42 PM · Report this
69
No more taking advice from anyone...do your thing, Dan!! this was a little disappointing..but glad it's outta the way. Now on to the good stuff...pls :D
Posted by soli on August 5, 2011 at 2:13 PM · Report this
70
I'm not sure how much of a triumph the following is, considering that I was a hot 27-year-old girl at the time, but, back in the day, my roommate and I went to a small European city to catch a U.S. indie rock band on tour, a member of which she was sleeping with. We got there a few days ahead of time and I decided to try to hook up with someone new every night we were there. First night I made out with a Spanish chick who spoke no English at a lesbian club. Second night I did the doorway thing with some English tourist I met at an Irish bar. I would not recognize him if he were sitting on my lap right now, but I sort of remember the guy my roommate made friends with that night. But she denies he was wearing a poncho. The third night the band got there and I found me my very own band-member. And discovered that the doormen at Spanish hostels do not take kindly to drunk girls bringing rock stars back at 4a.m. We got kicked out, but thankfully the guys had hotel rooms and we were going home that day.... Ah, youth.
Posted by Domina on August 5, 2011 at 5:40 PM · Report this
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أنا رجل مثلي الجنس. كان لي عظيم حقا الزوجين الأولى من التواريخ مع الرجل، وذلك لموعد الثالثة لي دعاه الى البقاء أكثر. شاهدنا طبخت عشاء لطيف ، فيلم ، وكان لدينا الوقت جميلة في السرير معا. في الصباح، كان لدينا آخر مرح. عند نقطة واحدة، وكان حواف لي ، وبشكل غير متوقع ، عن غير قصد، وأنا في فمه قليلا. وكان رد فعل له على غرار ما كان من الألغام على طول خطوط محاولة للاعتذار من خلال الضحك يمكن السيطرة عليها. قلت ، وسحبت منه في لتقبيل لي ، وأنهينا مع ما اعتقدت أنه الاحراج الحد الأدنى.
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Posted by mustaffa on August 6, 2011 at 6:23 AM · Report this
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I don't understand why "The Wander Years" was/is under the impression that asking a girl to pretend to be Hermione Granger is somehow a bad thing that would result in his not getting laid. If I were the girl, I would say, "Oh, yes! Great idea! And you can be Professor Snape!!"
Sounds like awesome fun to me. And as "TWY" noted, he DID get laid. So I really don't understand why he would think those words would send any "sane and sober" girl running for the hills....?
Posted by Zelda on August 6, 2011 at 8:29 AM · Report this
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@73,

I think what he meant to say was pretend you are Emma Watson, and you want to fuck me.
Posted by Married in MA on August 6, 2011 at 8:48 AM · Report this
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Being noticed by the GOP is a good bit of free publicity, congratulations. One small note of discord -- we are not yet at peace. We are fighting two and a half wars.

Nick
Posted by NickWeMetInMichiganLastYear on August 6, 2011 at 1:42 PM · Report this
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Zelda,

WY's concern is that his nerdy fascination with cinematic pop culture will be considered unsexy. This is manifested by late night comic portrayals of Trekkies and the like as clueless virgins. Furthermore, the practice of shared sexual fantasy is a minority sport at best. He was lucky the Brit babe was a good sport, and did not laugh in his face.
Posted by Hunter78 on August 7, 2011 at 5:06 AM · Report this
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@76 Very true. There's almost too many geek sex jokes on tv. Though I still giggle at the "That 70s Show" episode where the main couple tried Star Wars role playing and ended up being seen by the guy's parents.
Posted by mygash on August 7, 2011 at 2:14 PM · Report this
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@75 you must not read Savage much... it's called facetiousness; Dan indulges quite often. Only ONE note of 'discord,' huh? Because the rest of that sentence is completely true!

(hint: that was more facetiousness, a.k.a. sarcasm)
Posted by Jasmine on August 7, 2011 at 5:30 PM · Report this
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Aw, don't worry, mygash, you'll find someone to roleplay as Severus for you!
I must be a total geek 'cause I know lots of people who think roleplay is fun.
Posted by Zelda on August 7, 2011 at 5:54 PM · Report this
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Really? These are the best stories your readers could come up with (including the ones in the comments)? Here's a story. I got divorced in my 30s and spent the next 10 years screwing anything in a skirt (including a former novice nun, incidentally). Since I worked 12 hours a day, a lot of the screwees were coworkers. One (call her Elaine, to pick a random name) was particularly memorable. It all started when Elaine stuck her head in my office door and said that a group was going to the bar next door after work and did I want to come along? Of course. Well, the "group" turned out to be Elaine and one other woman, who had to leave to catch her bus after the first drink. It was a total set-up. So it was just Elaine and I drinking for the next several hours. By then, our fingers were intertwined under the table and when I walked her back to the parking garage, my arm was around her. Without speaking, she turned, wrapped her arms around my neck and put her lips on mine. After a long, wet kiss, she broke off and whispered in my ear, "I want to suck your cock." Needless to say, within minutes we were in the back seat of her car, stripping off each other's clothes and having a lusty fuck. In the ensuing 5 years, we fucked just about everywhere we could think of -- in parking garages, back alleys, behind the dumpster in back of the bar, on the canal path that runs through the center of the city. We once managed to get into a shopping mall after hours and fucked behing a pillar while the night watchman made his rounds... In the middle of those five years, I got married -- and not to Elaine. But that didn't keep us from fucking. I probably fucked Elaine the week before my wedding and the week after I got back from my honeymoon. My wife had a job that required her to travel out of town nearly every week, so on nights when she was out of town, Elaine would come over to my house and we would fuck in the bed I shared with my wife. Elaine and I only broke up when my wife and I had our first child. That was 15 years ago, but I still fantasize about Elaine. Yeah, I know -- I'm a dirty scuzzball. But it was a lot of fun. And its a hell of a lot better story than anything in this week's column.
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Posted by Been there, done that on August 8, 2011 at 12:26 PM · Report this
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So whatever happened to Elaine?
Posted by whateveryouwantittobe on August 8, 2011 at 1:21 PM · Report this
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@80 - Really, you're going to rip on the other stories and then proceed to tell the single most boring sex story on the entire internet? You honestly believe that your banal yawnfest about having sex with a co-worker is "a hell of a lot better story than anything in this week's column." Seriously? You think that? Guess you had to have been there.
Posted by jabuhrer on August 9, 2011 at 8:33 AM · Report this
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BTDT, how is that a vacation story?
Posted by cockyballsup on August 9, 2011 at 2:24 PM · Report this
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When you fuck somebody who's not your partner, that's a vacation.
Posted by Hunter78 on August 9, 2011 at 3:23 PM · Report this
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Well, (most of) his story was not really about fucking somebody who was not his partner. It's the typical "I had a promiscuous phase and used to have sex a lot" story that most of us can tell.

I agree with him that the week's stories were overall lame and remarkably unkinky, though, except for the kid who fucked his stepmother in the comments section. That one I found hot even though I'm gay and never had stepfamily.
Posted by cockyballsup on August 9, 2011 at 11:06 PM · Report this
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Glad I could give you a rise, cockyballsup!
I recall one of our trysts which qualifies as vacation sex, albeit pretty tame. We had gone on a family camping trip but my dad couldn't be there for the first night. I had to use my full powers of persuasion to convice my two younger half brothers that sleeping in a tent was way cooler than sleeping in the camper with thier mom and I. I wasn't allowed to sleep in her bed for fear of the siblings coming in but I did make several trips under her covers that night.
A good portion of my late teens was spent schemeing a way to get my stepmom alone!
Incidently, no one ever found out, family is still together, stepmom and I have been platonic for nearly 20 yrs (although I still often fantasize about her and I taking a vacation together).
Posted by Mthrfckr on August 10, 2011 at 10:59 AM · Report this
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Oh my gawd! Mthrfckr that is some crazy juice. May I ask what the age difference is?
Posted by wonderwoman on August 24, 2011 at 6:51 AM · Report this
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Hi wonderwoman.

Stepmom is sixteen years my senior. She had a rockin' body in her late 20's/ early 30's (still pretty good looking I might add) which I pined for obsessively. She wasn't particularly modest so I often saw her naked. I think what really made me want her though (aside from all the usual reasons) was the few times I overheard her and my dad having sex - I wanted to make her make those sounds!! And I did hee hee ;-)
Posted by Mthrfckr on August 24, 2011 at 9:35 AM · Report this

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