The Law of Infinite Universes states that because every person's perception is slightly different, there exists an infinite number of realities. In changing one's perception, one's reality is changed as well. Take my recent report on Dave and Ashley Matthews. According to Informant #1, Dave and Ashley only recently discovered that there are soon to be twin baby Matthews bouncing about, and Dave is "much skinnier in person." A reasonable story--but not so fast! Informant #2 (who spotted the couple gorging their pregnant selves at Wild Ginger this week) claims that Ashley is as big as a barn and ready to blow, and Dave is actually quite portly himself! So what's the story? Is one informant lying? Crazy? Both? Probably. Still, I prefer to give both informants the benefit of the doubt. Maybe Informant #2 is some kinda crazed anorexic who thinks EVERYONE is as big as a barn. Or maybe #1 has a glass eye or a brain tumor. How can we ever be sure?Then there's the Frugal Gourmet, who was spotted wheeling around the Paramount earlier this month. While I've been drenched in e-mail messages detailing rather horrific encounters with the kooky cook (including one that claims the FG repeatedly told a nice young lady to "shut up" so he could schmooze all over her 19-year-old male friend!), one ferocious fan of the FG chewed me out something fierce. "He doesn't even own a wheel- chair," bawled the nitpicky Gourmet supporter. "A motorized scooter maybe--but not a fucking wheelchair!"

So, apparently not everyone perceives the FG as a slightly scary alleged letch--and, to them, scooters are definitely NOT fucking wheelchairs. In their universe, the FG is a sweet ol' chef who couldn't be cuter in his cute little scooter! That's the Law of Infinite Universes in action!

Next, let's examine some possible realities behind the KISS 106.1 FM Morning Show team. The hosts, Jackie and Bender, recently interviewed Reese Witherspoon. The live tête-à-tête hit an agonizing snag when Bender offered his praise of Witherspoon's performance in the teen horror hit The Faculty. After an excruciating pause, Reese delivered the words that will forever haunt the hapless Bender: "Umm... I wasn't IN The Faculty."

See? In some people's reality (i.e. mine), this is the fucking funniest thing since "dead baby" jokes. But I'll just bet other people (i.e. execs at KISS 106.1) are experiencing something completely different, while still others (i.e. Bender) might be considering a fifth of Jack, a hot bath, and a fresh razor blade. Who knows? Maybe we're all right.

celebisawu@thestranger.com