For MYSTERIOUS reasons ("Oh, because it's a doo-doo movie" —Sherlock Holmes), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 didn't screen in advance for press. So I have no choice but to review the next best thing—a $10 magazine entitled From the Editors of Us: The Sexy Stars of Twilight: Breaking Dawn: 150 Hot Photos On-Set Romances New Interviews Shocking Wedding Details Sexiest Hunks Behind the Scenes! I am optimistic that this magazine will be able to answer many of my burning Twilight-related questions, such as "Why are you doing this to me?" and "What is a 'Kellan Lutz'?" and "Shut uuuuuuuuuuup!" Let us proceed.
Page 6: Bella and Edward embrace in a turbulent pool at the base of a waterfall—except it's not the warm, romantic, coconut-bra jungle kind of waterfall, it's like the shitty kind of freezing-cold forest waterfall where arctic wolves go to cool off when the SNOW GETS TOO HOT. Then there's a headline that reads, "Here Comes the Bride! At Long Last, Bella Gets a Ring—But It's Not All Wedded Bliss!" Yeah, hey, maybe it's not so blissful because you decided to have AN UNDERWATER WEDDING IN ANTARCTICA. Who was your wedding planner? A baby seal? Also, why is your wedding dress just a wet bra? You guys are stupid.
Page 8: A très revealing personal quote from Robert Pattinson! "Embarrassingly," he says, "the thing I was most nervous about was taking my shirt off." ("YOU CANNOT HIDE ME FOREVER!" —Robert Pattinson's parasitic twin.)
Page 50: This is a very important page where we learn things about Taylor Lautner, a muscular child who middle-aged women enjoy masturbating to. Firstly, we learn that Taylor Lautner's first starring role was as something called a "Sharkboy," which is a shark with the face of a boy that middle-aged sharks enjoy masturbating to. I would like to press charges against the entire earth (also, I will be contacting King Triton in the name of sea-justice [SPEAKING OF KING TRITON, WHY ARE YOU SO ELDERLY BUT YOU HAVE THE PECS OF A SHARKBOY!?!?]). The second thing we learn about Taylor Lautner, Sharkboy of the Land™, is that his plan for Hollywood success is the "Tom Cruise model." I look forward to his upcoming animatronic nuptials to Mimi Rogers.
Page 54: Finally! It's the "What is a 'Kellan Lutz'?" section! Kellan Lutz lets us know right off the bat that he has no idea who Kellan Lutz is: "I don't want to be a piece of meat for the rest of my career," he says. Confidential to Kellan Lutz: You will always be made of meat, as this is the way humans work. (Singular exception: See "Tom Cruise model," above.)
All the rest of the pages: Nothing about that vampire baby eating its way out of Kristen Stewart's womb-hole, nothing about that vampire baby falling in love with a grown-ass werewolf-land-boy-shark, and, MOST IMPORTANTLY, ABSOLUTELY ZERO PETER FACINELLI. From the Editors of Us: The Sexy Stars of Twilight: Breaking Dawn: 150 Hot Photos On-Set Romances New Interviews Shocking Wedding Details Sexiest Hunks Behind the Scenes!, you are the worst magazine ever. ("Vindication!" —Cosmo.)