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The Sexy Stars of Twilight!

For MYSTERIOUS reasons ("Oh, because it's a doo-doo movie" —Sherlock Holmes), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 didn't screen in advance for press. So I have no choice but to review the next best thing—a $10 magazine entitled From the Editors of Us: The Sexy Stars of Twilight: Breaking Dawn: 150 Hot Photos On-Set Romances New Interviews Shocking Wedding Details Sexiest Hunks Behind the Scenes! I am optimistic that this magazine will be able to answer many of my burning Twilight-related questions, such as "Why are you doing this to me?" and "What is a 'Kellan Lutz'?" and "Shut uuuuuuuuuuup!" Let us proceed.

Page 6: Bella and Edward embrace in a turbulent pool at the base of a waterfall—except it's not the warm, romantic, coconut-bra jungle kind of waterfall, it's like the shitty kind of freezing-cold forest waterfall where arctic wolves go to cool off when the SNOW GETS TOO HOT. Then there's a headline that reads, "Here Comes the Bride! At Long Last, Bella Gets a Ring—But It's Not All Wedded Bliss!" Yeah, hey, maybe it's not so blissful because you decided to have AN UNDERWATER WEDDING IN ANTARCTICA. Who was your wedding planner? A baby seal? Also, why is your wedding dress just a wet bra? You guys are stupid.

Page 8: A très revealing personal quote from Robert Pattinson! "Embarrassingly," he says, "the thing I was most nervous about was taking my shirt off." ("YOU CANNOT HIDE ME FOREVER!" —Robert Pattinson's parasitic twin.)

Page 50: This is a very important page where we learn things about Taylor Lautner, a muscular child who middle-aged women enjoy masturbating to. Firstly, we learn that Taylor Lautner's first starring role was as something called a "Sharkboy," which is a shark with the face of a boy that middle-aged sharks enjoy masturbating to. I would like to press charges against the entire earth (also, I will be contacting King Triton in the name of sea-justice [SPEAKING OF KING TRITON, WHY ARE YOU SO ELDERLY BUT YOU HAVE THE PECS OF A SHARKBOY!?!?]). The second thing we learn about Taylor Lautner, Sharkboy of the Land™, is that his plan for Hollywood success is the "Tom Cruise model." I look forward to his upcoming animatronic nuptials to Mimi Rogers.

Page 54: Finally! It's the "What is a 'Kellan Lutz'?" section! Kellan Lutz lets us know right off the bat that he has no idea who Kellan Lutz is: "I don't want to be a piece of meat for the rest of my career," he says. Confidential to Kellan Lutz: You will always be made of meat, as this is the way humans work. (Singular exception: See "Tom Cruise model," above.)

All the rest of the pages: Nothing about that vampire baby eating its way out of Kristen Stewart's womb-hole, nothing about that vampire baby falling in love with a grown-ass werewolf-land-boy-shark, and, MOST IMPORTANTLY, ABSOLUTELY ZERO PETER FACINELLI. From the Editors of Us: The Sexy Stars of Twilight: Breaking Dawn: 150 Hot Photos On-Set Romances New Interviews Shocking Wedding Details Sexiest Hunks Behind the Scenes!, you are the worst magazine ever. ("Vindication!" —Cosmo.) recommended

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Comments (11) RSS

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Dougsf 1
A more thoughtful review that was deserved, but you've made us all better for having done it.
Posted by Dougsf on November 16, 2011 at 3:22 PM · Report this
ballard dude 2
I actually saw 'Sharkboy and Lava Girl' with my kids... and short of a brief section with something called 'plughounds' that included George Lopez it was the most painfully bad kids movie I've ever seen...
Posted by ballard dude on November 16, 2011 at 8:00 PM · Report this
3
@2 Worse than the Spy Kids sequels?
Posted by sahara29 on November 16, 2011 at 9:10 PM · Report this
MarkyMark 4
If Kellan Lutz ever stops bleaching his hair and shaving his chest, his fans are going to be in for a surprise. And if he ever comes out...
Posted by MarkyMark on November 16, 2011 at 9:15 PM · Report this
Queen of Cups 5
This article soothed my broken heart. Thank you.
Posted by Queen of Cups on November 16, 2011 at 9:34 PM · Report this
freesandbags 6
Veterans and Miss Lindy West....American Heroes. I salute you.
Posted by freesandbags on November 16, 2011 at 10:12 PM · Report this
seattlegrrrl 7
ARCTIC WOLVES. Mu-hahahaha.
Posted by seattlegrrrl http:// on November 17, 2011 at 2:22 PM · Report this
8
@ 2 & 3, Robert Rodriguez's best children's movie is Dusk Till Dawn but kids seem to love Sin City too and that one has more tits. Which tends to make the younger ones hungry if they haven't been weaned yet.
Posted by Spike1382 on November 17, 2011 at 10:07 PM · Report this
paisinbah 9
Lindy..what can I say? You should be reviewing EVERYTHING!!!!! Life would be more fun that way..
Posted by paisinbah on November 20, 2011 at 12:21 AM · Report this
10
hilar as this is - plz review breaking dawn. PLEEEEZ. Ill mail you the $10 ticket cost. I need your hilarious review to combat the eternal woe in my heart caused by the awfulness of that movie.
Posted by suzie_1 on November 20, 2011 at 7:48 PM · Report this
11
ugh the vampire baby doesn't fall in love with jacob, JACOB falls in love with the vampire baby. jeez.
Posted by Anonymouze on December 10, 2011 at 12:14 PM · Report this

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