February 22, 2012

Concessions 90210

Oscar Week Finale! WITH MAJOR SURPRISES!

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Just in time for Oscar week (Sunday! February 26! 4 pm!) comes the durrr that launched 1,000 doys about exactly WHO is picking our Academy Award winners:

A Los Angeles Times study found that academy voters are markedly less diverse than the moviegoing public, and even more monolithic than many in the film industry may suspect. Oscar voters are nearly 94% Caucasian and 77% male, the Times found. Blacks are about 2% of the academy, and Latinos are less than 2%. Oscar voters have a median age of 62, the study showed. People younger than 50 constitute just 14% of the membership.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha SHUT THE FUCKING FRONT DOOR. So you're saying that the Academy Awards are a bunch of meaningless, masturbatory, out-of-touch bullcorn chosen by a panel of congressmen's dads wearing mahogany smoking jackets and high-fiving each other about the Great War? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. I figured it was a bunch of undocumented migrant workers who really, really liked The King's Speech. This changes everything.

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In keeping with this new information, I have updated my 2012 Oscar picks to reflect the proclivities of the 3,900 Horsegrandpas of the Snoozepocalypse. Here we go:

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

• Kenneth Branagh (as Laurence Olivier in My Week with Marilyn)

• Jonah Hill (as Peter Brand in Moneyball)

• Nick Nolte (as Paddy Conlon in Warrior)

• Christopher Plummer (as Hal Fields in Beginners)

• Max von Sydow (as the Renter in Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close)

Hmmmm. Tough one. I mean, Christopher Plummer is 110 years old, so that's a plus, but then Max von Sydow fought in the Civil War. So I guess I have to say that the Oscar goes to......Dick Van Patten (as "Stomachache Guy" in Who Sat on Helen's Glasses?).

BEST ACTOR

• Demián Bichir (as Carlos Galindo in A Better Life)

• George Clooney (as Matt King in The Descendants)

• Jean Dujardin (as George Valentin in The Artist)

• Gary Oldman (as George Smiley in Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy)

• Brad Pitt (as Billy Beane in Moneyball)

This was also a tough one. On the one hand, The Artist is a silent film, which takes the Academy voters waaaaay back to simpler times, when they were middle-aged, but on the other hand, there's a nominee whose last name is literally OLD MAN. But in the end, my pick was clear. The Oscar goes to......Andy Griffith (as Paw Paw in My Gums Hurt!).

BEST PICTURE

The Artist

The Descendants

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

The Help

Hugo

Midnight in Paris

Moneyball

The Tree of Life

War Horse

No contest here. The Oscar goes to...MASHED POTATOES!!!

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Comments (10) RSS

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Some years the nominations are richer than others. This is one of the poorest years yet. The best film I saw all year was Margin Call, a fictionalized yet accurate depiction of WTF happened to all of us in mid-2008. The best performance by an actor in my book was Paul Bettany in Margin Call. But the film is conspicuous in their absense from the nominee lists. Without even thinking too hard I'll guess that The Help gets all the awards it's up for. It appears to be one of those years when Hollywood wants to pat itself on the back for being complacently progressive.

Posted by PurrlGurrl on February 22, 2012 at 11:53 AM · Report

Bullcorn, Snoozepocalypse. And the Oscar goes toooo... you know whoooo.

Posted by freesandbags on February 22, 2012 at 1:14 PM · Report

..wait.. lindy , are you going ?.. what are you wearing ? what will you be packing in that flask? and who are you hoping to stalk and seduce back to your lair ?

Posted by reverend dr dj riz on February 22, 2012 at 4:01 PM · Report

Jonah Hill and Jean DuJardin are my picks. The latter has been a guest at SIFF multiple times, as has his costar for Best Actress in two films. They're very nice people. Jonah's been here a few times too, he's nice.

By the way, just because they're Caucasian (White) doesn't mean they're not Hispanic, like my brother-in-law and five relatives who are voting for the Oscars.

Posted by Will in Seattle

on February 22, 2012 at 4:10 PM · Report

I'll assume you have more to type, Will, but Tom Sherak was calling you on the red phone?

Posted by Dougsf on February 22, 2012 at 4:29 PM · Report

Old people. They're so funny.

Posted by tkc on February 22, 2012 at 5:11 PM · Report

@5 nope. Don't miss the Oscar Shorts tonite.

Posted by Will in Seattle

on February 22, 2012 at 5:25 PM · Report

I say it every year about this time: members of the Academy's ballots are commandeered by their teenage kids (um, remember the year the Triple Six Mafia won?). Two friends of a friend used to fill it out for their dad, who was a member of the academy-slash-washed-up character actor.

Posted by brocaine

on February 22, 2012 at 5:32 PM · Report

I thought The Help was going to be the obvious punchline.

Posted by JonnyH on February 24, 2012 at 3:26 PM · Report

Nice comments from a newspaper that congratulates itself on being so open-minded. Imagine if these offensive comments were made about other any other groups, like...gay men, African-Americans, women...I think the list could go on. All for a laugh, I suppose, except the comments are not funny or clever. Grow up!

Posted by dillj60 on February 26, 2012 at 4:15 PM · Report