Oscar Week Finale! WITH MAJOR SURPRISES!
Just in time for Oscar week (Sunday! February 26! 4 pm!) comes the durrr that launched 1,000 doys about exactly WHO is picking our Academy Award winners:
A Los Angeles Times study found that academy voters are markedly less diverse than the moviegoing public, and even more monolithic than many in the film industry may suspect. Oscar voters are nearly 94% Caucasian and 77% male, the Times found. Blacks are about 2% of the academy, and Latinos are less than 2%. Oscar voters have a median age of 62, the study showed. People younger than 50 constitute just 14% of the membership.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha SHUT THE FUCKING FRONT DOOR. So you're saying that the Academy Awards are a bunch of meaningless, masturbatory, out-of-touch bullcorn chosen by a panel of congressmen's dads wearing mahogany smoking jackets and high-fiving each other about the Great War? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. I figured it was a bunch of undocumented migrant workers who really, really liked The King's Speech. This changes everything.
In keeping with this new information, I have updated my 2012 Oscar picks to reflect the proclivities of the 3,900 Horsegrandpas of the Snoozepocalypse. Here we go:
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
• Kenneth Branagh (as Laurence Olivier in My Week with Marilyn)
• Jonah Hill (as Peter Brand in Moneyball)
• Nick Nolte (as Paddy Conlon in Warrior)
• Christopher Plummer (as Hal Fields in Beginners)
• Max von Sydow (as the Renter in Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close)
Hmmmm. Tough one. I mean, Christopher Plummer is 110 years old, so that's a plus, but then Max von Sydow fought in the Civil War. So I guess I have to say that the Oscar goes to......Dick Van Patten (as "Stomachache Guy" in Who Sat on Helen's Glasses?).
• Demián Bichir (as Carlos Galindo in A Better Life)
• George Clooney (as Matt King in The Descendants)
• Jean Dujardin (as George Valentin in The Artist)
• Gary Oldman (as George Smiley in Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy)
• Brad Pitt (as Billy Beane in Moneyball)
This was also a tough one. On the one hand, The Artist is a silent film, which takes the Academy voters waaaaay back to simpler times, when they were middle-aged, but on the other hand, there's a nominee whose last name is literally OLD MAN. But in the end, my pick was clear. The Oscar goes to......Andy Griffith (as Paw Paw in My Gums Hurt!).
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
Midnight in Paris
The Tree of Life
No contest here. The Oscar goes to...MASHED POTATOES!!!