Awww look, you guys! How cute! The conservatives tried to make a comedy! They put, like, little jokes in there and everything. Hey—there's Chris Farley's brother, Dennis Farley or whatever! It is so good to know that guy's not homeless. I was worried. I mean, what is on Steve-Farley-or-whatever's résumé? Besides "Skills: fat face slightly reminiscent of actual funny person (deceased), tap, ballet, clarinet, cockney accent"? Well move over, that stuff! Chadwick von Farley is in a new movie called An American Carol and, fortunately for his fledgling-at-age-65 "career," almost nobody is going to see it.

Farley plays Michael Malone, a fat, liberal, Oscar-winning documentarian. He's a modern-day Scrooge, but he doesn't hate Christmas—he hates America. Malone is just like Michael Moore, the fat, liberal, Oscar-winning documentarian that An American Carol devotes a telling amount of energy to lampooning. When not out accepting the "Leni Riefenstahl Award" for his latest movie, Die You American Pigs!, or "[rushing] to Columbia University to lead a demonstration against the troops," or eating a piece of pizza with a mouse crawling on it (uh, yep), Malone is campaigning to abolish the 4th of July. Ahhh yes. Some day, we the liberal Jew-run media will achieve our ultimate goal. YOU PATRIOTIC AMERICANS HAVE BEEN EATING CORN ON THE COB WHILST DRUNK UNCLES INADVERTENTLY IGNITE THEIR DOCKERS FAR TOO LONG. Hold on—I have to go rub my hands together and leer.

It is almost impossible to sarcastically choose my favorite part of An American Carol. Is it the running gag about bumbling suicide bombers (wocka wocka, I can't believe I accidentally blew up my boss's car!... oh, and... also myself... ow, I am on fire)? The magical trip to a happy, slave-owning Alabama, where Malone discovers what would have happened had Abraham Lincoln been a liberal, antiwar pussy (Gary Coleman: "Don't you worry, Massa Malone! We got dem bacon stains out de upholstery!")? Or perhaps it was the magical visit from General Patton (Kelsey Grammer), who teaches Malone about the indoctrinatin' university system ("You get extra credit if you're poor, black, or gay") and eventually begins indiscriminately shooting ACLU lawyers and bearded men carrying backpacks ("Enjoy your privacy rights in hell!"). I was also impressed by the frequent assertions that liberals don't give a crap about 9/11 and by the weeping ghosts of servicemen throughout the ages accompanied by the toot-toot-tooting of a patriotic fife.

Conservatives: You guys know you're full of shit, right? You are terrible, terrible people. If you have any questions, I'll be over here reading a book (the kind with facts inside) and, I don't know, caring about other humans. Actually being funny. Christ, it's like you want me to be elitist.