Red Riding Hood: Get in the Elephant, Clod
Because the original "Little Red Riding Hood" fairy tale wasn't overtly rapey enough, World's Worst Human Catherine Hardwicke (along with screenwriter David Leslie Johnson, who previously treated us to the she-was-a-middle-aged-dwarf-prostitute-the-entire-time thriller Orphan) went ahead and made it a whooooooole lot sexier! She shortened the title to Red Riding Hood—because Red's not so little anymore, folks, if you know what I mean. (I MEAN IN THE BOOBS DEPARTMENT!!!) Oh, sigh. Walk with me, friends. Let's do some plot summary.
Amanda Seyfried stars as Valerie, the prettiest vagina-with-eyeballs in the whole village of Daggerhorn. One time, as a child, she had a super-romantic date with a baby woodcutter where they murdered a rabbit together and then drank its hot, salty blood (maybe). Valerie's been dying for that woodcutter to dagger her horn ever since. But—tragedy! Her gold-digging mother (Virginia Madsen—high?) has betrothed her to this other totally handsome and nice dude, and he gives her a bracelet! WHAT THE FUCK IS VALERIE SUPPOSED TO DO NOW? Just stand there and look confused for two hours, as it turns out.
Meanwhile, there's this whole wolf thing going on. Apparently, every full moon, a big evil wolf shows up in Daggerhorn and eats their number-one best piggy for his food. He used to eat people, but he stopped for some stupid reason. Except now he's eating people again!!! Starting with Valerie's fat sister!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS DAGGERHORN SUPPOSED TO DO NOW? Call up Gary Oldman and his exotic United Men-at-Arms of Benetton, as it turns out.
Gary Oldman informs the villagers that the wolf isn't an actual wolf-wolf—it's a freakish humanimal person-mega-wolf, and it's been living in the village this whole time! Extorting piggies galore! The call is coming from inside the shoddily constructed dung hut!!! The villagers are pissed. Fortunately, Gary Oldman never travels anywhere without his life-size metal elephant (this is true of both the character and the actual Gary Oldman), which he uses as an interrogation/torture device à la the old Brazen Bull. To kick off his official wolfsvestigation, he tosses the town clod (also his name is Claude, because subtlety!) into the elephant and boils the shit out of him, extracting the following information: "GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Hmm. A dead end.
But then the wolf shows up in the village again, where it shreds a bunch of dudes and corners Valerie. Using wolf-telepathy, it's all, "Hey, boo, I just think you're really special, you know, and I really want to go on a vacation witchoo." Then it runs away. A clue!!! I don't know what happens after that because I fell into a plot hole and just fell and fell and fell and still I fall and I have not yet reached the bottom, but when I do, the sweet embrace of death will be a welcome release. Fuck Catherine Hardwicke.