Before I get to my review of The Lincoln Lawyer (calm down and QUIT BREATHING ON ME FOR ONE SECOND), I would like to talk to you about another movie real quick. A movie named Sophie's Choice. Sophie's Choice is a very sad story about a very sad lady (me) who had to choose which one of her children would make a better column, because both of her children screened at the same time, and she cannot be in two places at once, even for the sake of you people, dear readers. So would it be The Lincoln Lawyer (a movie you people, dear readers, might actually want to see) or would it be Lord of the Dance 3D (LITERALLY A FEATURE-LENGTH JIG)??? Well, obviously Lord of the Dance 3D would have been the funniest column of my career, but I think you know what I chose. I sent Michael Flatley off to the gas chamber (clop clop clop). Then I had sex with Kevin Kline. Then I watched The Lincoln Lawyer. Sniff.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway. Let's move forward. Two facts you will learn from The Lincoln Lawyer:

Fact 1: Gangs of menacing, be- leathered fat people on motorcycles are really still a thing! Really! Maybe they're not the de rigueur movie villains these days, but that doesn't mean they can't swoop out of nowhere and menace you with a bat and then totally have a heart of gold at the end, because that's how fat people do (our hearts are actually peanut butter fudge wrapped in gold foil). Vrrrrooooooom!!!

Fact 2: Your black friend can probably get you a gun (ask him!).

In The Lincoln Lawyer, Matthew McConaughey plays Mickey Haller, a criminal defense attorney who is all about gettin' paid. Sometimes he refers to money with a cool code name like "Mr. Green" (cool!). His black friend Earl can't get over how cool Mickey is and always says things like "You know what? You would have done all right on the streets," and then Mickey is all, "Sheee-yit. What do you think I am, Earl?" and then Earl chuckles. (ANSWER THE QUESTION, EARL.)

One day, Mickey takes on the biggest case of his career, defending creepy Ryan Phillippe, a rich dude who maybe or maybe didn't beat the shit out of a prostitute lady. As Mickey gets deeper into the case, he realizes that things are not always as they seem. In fact, things are dangerous, and Mickey is in a pickle! Sheee-yit! At this point, Mickey forgets about gettin' paid and is all about makin' things right. I kind of liked this movie. I give it a six.