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Concessions

Lindy West Saves Entertainment

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Okay, here comes Arthur, and I have to say that I don't have much to say. Arthur is, obviously, a wholly unnecessary remake of the 1981 Dudley Moore vehicle of the same name. It is not terrible. Russell Brand is my boyfriend (don't believe everything you read about a certain gay-elephant-themed wedding to a certain Katy Perry), and I thoroughly enjoyed all the parts of Arthur when he is making weird, childlike, Britishy quips about monocle-wearing giraffes. And also any time his hair is showing. Good stuff. Also, Helen Mirren is way prettier than John Gielgud. But Arthur gets bogged down in schmaltz and winds up a fish-out-of-water tale in a very, very shallow pool.

Now. Down to business. Hollywood, are you okay? I'm a little worried about you guys and all of these remakes. It appears that you have forgotten how to make new ideas, which is pretty much your entire job. So I'm going to do you a solid, reach into the gold-plated egg sac I keep in my brain-hole, and hand over three billion-dollar movie ideas free of charge. You're welcome in advance.

THE BREAKFAST NUB: A scene-for-scene remake of the first 91 minutes of The Breakfast Club. Then, at minute 92, Anthony Michael Hall starts screaming and screaming. There is blood everywhere. Where did his hands and feet go? Oh my god, something ate everyone's hands and feet, leaving only bloody nubs!!!!!! What kind of a creature would do this!? Then, BOOM. FERAL TWIN. It's been living under the table this whole time, reading Molière until it got hungry. Molière really pumps Feral Twin's 'nads.

DOG-HORSE: A horse and a dog are walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, each lost in its own thoughts (sugar lumps and the economy, respectively). They come around a corner and run headlong into each other, knocking over a bin of magic amulets. Amulets fly everywhere! Ancient Chinese secrets! The dog now has the brain of a horse. The horse dies and goes to hell. Then the dog teams up with the amulet seller, who always wanted to be a jockey, and they win the Kentucky Derby. A cigar-chomping newspaperman quips, "I guess it really is the Year of the Dog!" (All laugh, except for the horse. In hell.)

HORSE-DOG: Same as above, except the horse gets the brain of a dog and wins second place at the Westminster Dog Show. But then, BOOM. FERAL TWIN! Feral Twin eats the first-place dog's hands and feet, a clear violation of the breed standard, and Horse-Dog is crowned champion! Horse-Dog and Feral Twin high-five. Then Horse-Dog takes off his horse head and reveals... Anthony Michael Hall in a horse suit with the brain of a dog! BOOM. Revenge plot! He bludgeons Feral Twin to death with his nubs. "Yap yap yap yap bark bark arf," quips Anthony Michael Horse-Dog. (All laugh.) recommended

 

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freesandbags 1
St. Elmo's Nub, Less Than Nub or Nub Than Zero. Horse in hell, nice visual. A hearty guffaw to Lindy.
Posted by freesandbags on April 6, 2011 at 8:34 PM · Report this
Will in Seattle 2
But we need a cynical Hispanic sidekick fluffy chick or kitten to put things in perspective, Lindy!
Posted by Will in Seattle http://www.facebook.com/WillSeattle on April 7, 2011 at 3:22 PM · Report this
3
I could eat a nub at night
Posted by atlandrew on April 7, 2011 at 3:31 PM · Report this
4
I was thinking a remake of What Dreams May Come but instead of Robin Williams it is a horse and he is trying to find his jockey who was cast into hell after the horse killed him by a lack of concentration in a race (he was staring into the vagina of the horse in front of him.) They rescue the jockey (played by Kieran Culkin) and the horse, the jockey and the hot-vaginaed horse end the movie by drinking sweet tea on a porch in Kentucky. (Morgan Freeman is their gardener) The End.
Posted by SmackDaddy on April 7, 2011 at 11:26 PM · Report this
HellboundAlleee 5
@atlandrew: Or a fucking orange.
Posted by HellboundAlleee http://hellboundalleee.blogspot.com on April 8, 2011 at 3:58 PM · Report this
6
@atlandrew VERY GOOD A++++
Posted by chingo on April 8, 2011 at 4:29 PM · Report this
7
So it's Brand's hair that has the talent? I was wonderin......
Posted by harkin on April 9, 2011 at 2:54 PM · Report this

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