Lindy West Saves Entertainment
Okay, here comes Arthur, and I have to say that I don't have much to say. Arthur is, obviously, a wholly unnecessary remake of the 1981 Dudley Moore vehicle of the same name. It is not terrible. Russell Brand is my boyfriend (don't believe everything you read about a certain gay-elephant-themed wedding to a certain Katy Perry), and I thoroughly enjoyed all the parts of Arthur when he is making weird, childlike, Britishy quips about monocle-wearing giraffes. And also any time his hair is showing. Good stuff. Also, Helen Mirren is way prettier than John Gielgud. But Arthur gets bogged down in schmaltz and winds up a fish-out-of-water tale in a very, very shallow pool.
Now. Down to business. Hollywood, are you okay? I'm a little worried about you guys and all of these remakes. It appears that you have forgotten how to make new ideas, which is pretty much your entire job. So I'm going to do you a solid, reach into the gold-plated egg sac I keep in my brain-hole, and hand over three billion-dollar movie ideas free of charge. You're welcome in advance.
THE BREAKFAST NUB: A scene-for-scene remake of the first 91 minutes of The Breakfast Club. Then, at minute 92, Anthony Michael Hall starts screaming and screaming. There is blood everywhere. Where did his hands and feet go? Oh my god, something ate everyone's hands and feet, leaving only bloody nubs!!!!!! What kind of a creature would do this!? Then, BOOM. FERAL TWIN. It's been living under the table this whole time, reading Molière until it got hungry. Molière really pumps Feral Twin's 'nads.
DOG-HORSE: A horse and a dog are walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, each lost in its own thoughts (sugar lumps and the economy, respectively). They come around a corner and run headlong into each other, knocking over a bin of magic amulets. Amulets fly everywhere! Ancient Chinese secrets! The dog now has the brain of a horse. The horse dies and goes to hell. Then the dog teams up with the amulet seller, who always wanted to be a jockey, and they win the Kentucky Derby. A cigar-chomping newspaperman quips, "I guess it really is the Year of the Dog!" (All laugh, except for the horse. In hell.)
HORSE-DOG: Same as above, except the horse gets the brain of a dog and wins second place at the Westminster Dog Show. But then, BOOM. FERAL TWIN! Feral Twin eats the first-place dog's hands and feet, a clear violation of the breed standard, and Horse-Dog is crowned champion! Horse-Dog and Feral Twin high-five. Then Horse-Dog takes off his horse head and reveals... Anthony Michael Hall in a horse suit with the brain of a dog! BOOM. Revenge plot! He bludgeons Feral Twin to death with his nubs. "Yap yap yap yap bark bark arf," quips Anthony Michael Horse-Dog. (All laugh.)