If you are the sort of person who still laughs when a character in a movie instructs another character to say "hello" to his/her "leedle fren," then you deserve to have your thumbs cut off and all your lands and assets (mummified thumbs included) seized by the government and awarded to your childhood bully. Because this is no longer an appropriate use of words. Also, I hope you poop your pants on your wedding day.

Unfortunately for humanity and some of y'all's thumbs, Hoodwinked Too!: Hood vs. Evil is essentially a feature-length "say hello to my leedle fren." The script is less a screenplay than a Bartlett's Quotations of ancient, worn-out (and almost always irrelevant) movie lines cobbled together in such a way as to signify "humor" and give Lindy West rage-hives. All the stinkiest chestnuts are at the party: "Hello, Clarice," and "Hasta la vista, baby," and motherfucking "Did you just laugh at me? Do I amuse you? Am I some sort of clown to you?" (Honorable mentions: "Tastes like chicken," "Take a bite outta crime," something about turducken, something about using the Force.) Sob.

Because yes. As any kindergarten teacher, child psychologist, or molestery foam dinosaur will tell you, there's nothing little children love more than serial killers, Joe Pesci, cocaine, and references to movies they've never seen! I know I'll never forget my Silence of the Lambs–themed eighth birthday party where we all ate fava-bean cupcakes with lotion buttercream and then everyone took turns trying on the skin-suit and playing night-vision pin-the-tail-on-the-great-big-fat-person. AH, THE SIMPLE PLEASURES OF CHILDHOOD.

Hoodwinked Too!: Hood vs. Evil ostensibly has a plot, which ostensibly has something to do with Little Red Riding Hood trying to rescue her grandmother from a couple of nefarious German babies. Patrick Warburton is involved, of course (WHAT ELSE IS NEW, ANIMATED CINEMA!?), and there's also a horrible squirrel. Everyone dies in the end (in my fan-fiction). Not a single joke in the movie lands. Not one. Zero.

But aside from everyone incessantly saying hello to everyone else's leedle fren, Hoodwinked Too!'s main concern seems to be preemptively begging you not to hate it. The self-conscious sandbagging is aggressive and pathetic. Regarding books: "Nobody reads books anymore. Movies are always better. Especially sequels." Regarding someone who has just been hoodwinked: "You've been hoodwinked! (Too!)" Regarding a fight scene immediately prior: "The special effects were spectacular." Regarding an evil giant who in his free time "blogs about animated films": "He should get a life!"

You talkin' to me? Because frankly, my Hoodwinked Too!, I don't give a damn. I'll be back. And show me the money, because I think I just handed you the first half of Hoodwinked 3: I Don't Think We're in Kansas Anymore, Rosebud. You're welcome. We're gonna need a bigger boat.