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Concessions

Mel "Garbage-Beaver" Gibson's Big Comeback

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Over the course of my medium-length life, I have wanted many things. Pizza, for instance (right now). And the widest bell-bottoms possible (7th grade). And a "beading loom" (you were right, Mom). And world peace (psych, I'm totally a war profiteer!). But never, ever have I wanted anything as much as I want to reveal the ending of The Beaver to you in this column right now. Uuuuuugh, life is HARD. Now I know how Precious from the movie Precious feels!

The Beaver—in case you've missed the past year of pop culture because you're, I don't know, the Helen Keller of baby oysters—is supposed to be Mel Gibson's big "comeback" movie, in which he "proves" that he's "not" crazy by "pretending" to be an alcoholic who thinks his arm is a beaver. Specifically, Gibson plays Walter, a family man and toy-company CEO whose life unravels after he plunges into a deep and sticky depression. While at a Dumpster throwing away his memories (he needs the trunk space for more vodka), Walter spies a disgusting garbage-beaver and promptly sticks his arm up it. The garbage-beaver promptly takes over Walter's life.

The Beaver should be commended, at certain moments, for its unromantic, nonsensationalized grasp of mental illness—that people's brains really do turn on them, people really do behave in fucking outlandish ways beyond their control, and other people really do still love those people. That said, The Beaver is, at best, a boring and rather uncreative study of White Male American Malaise (did you know that depression is "a black hole"? And that graffiti is "like art, just illegal"?). At worst, it's an unintentionally hilarious failure.

Now. The ending. In keeping with The Chicago Manual of Style, I have opted to disguise the spoiler in the form of a centaur chief giving a motivational speech to his battalion of centaur troops who are under siege by a wizard and forced to survive on oats and hay like common beast-horses. Just take the first letter of every word, string them together, and you'll find out the secret ending of The Beaver starring Mel Gibson!

Hello, Eager Centaurs. Understand, This Siege Has Ignobly Sullied Our Warlike Nature. Aaaaaaaahhh! Really!? Munching Oats For Food? What?! It's Truly Humiliating. A Folly Unprecedented. Cats, Kings, Imps, Newts! Great Shame. All Weep.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT!? AAAAAHAAAHAHAAHAAHAHAHA!!! And then... and then he gets his family back. Ha-ha. SERIOUSLY. Now, I know times are tough for you right now, Real Mel Gibson, but please don't get any ideas. Also, chin up, centaurs. You too, Precious. Peace (psych). recommended

 

Comments (45) RSS

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1
Editor to reporter: "Mel Gibson Licks Beaver": That's not news! However....
Posted by Chris H http://christianhertzog.wordpress.com/ on May 4, 2011 at 1:08 PM · Report this
2
This is the best thing that's happened to me all week, and I even got to have sex two days ago.
Posted by asher on May 4, 2011 at 1:27 PM · Report this
3
This is the best thing that's happened to me all week, and I had sex on Monday.

What, I'm not allowed to brag a little?
Posted by asher on May 4, 2011 at 1:28 PM · Report this
4
great now i feel stupid, thanks a lot, internet.
Posted by asher on May 4, 2011 at 1:30 PM · Report this
5
**SPOILER ALERT FOR DYSLEXICS***

Was Gnikcuf a htiw ffo mra nwo sih stuc eh?
Posted by Don't Drive Angry Entertainment on May 4, 2011 at 1:51 PM · Report this
TripleX 6
That is the most amazing way to reveal an ending to a movie!
Posted by TripleX on May 4, 2011 at 2:48 PM · Report this
ingopixel 7
oh my god, lindy. this is gold. you've outdone yourself once again!
Posted by ingopixel on May 4, 2011 at 2:54 PM · Report this
Timrrr 8
This is the most amazing thing I've heard all week!

(And I heard Asher had sex on Monday too..)
Posted by Timrrr on May 4, 2011 at 5:57 PM · Report this
9
Another great review from Lindy! I am honestly so freaking sick of movies about how hard it is to be a white guy, but luckily they have a lady by their side to help them through it. It's the plot of, like, every single. fucking. movie. made. today. Fuck Hollywood.
Posted by mitten on May 4, 2011 at 6:24 PM · Report this
10
NO FUCKING WAY! Really?? Don't tease me! I never have sex and I never will again. This is all I live for - does he really do that??

If it's true I am going to be first in line.
Posted by patrick66 on May 4, 2011 at 6:37 PM · Report this
brian 11
This is so much better than the sex I had with asher on Monday!
Posted by brian on May 4, 2011 at 6:39 PM · Report this
12
sad face. I don't get it.
Posted by olechka on May 4, 2011 at 6:42 PM · Report this
13 Comment Pulled (Spam) Comment Policy
Matt Hickey 14
This is the best thing all week, and I had sex with asher three times.
Posted by Matt Hickey http://www.matthickey.com on May 4, 2011 at 7:06 PM · Report this
Sachi 15
Asher! Asher! Rah rah rah!

(That's SO much more interesting than the silly movie!)
Posted by Sachi http://web.me.com/thorw/Claire_and_Sachi on May 4, 2011 at 7:08 PM · Report this
stinkbug 16
Eh, I went to a free preview of it the other night and it was fairly enjoyable. It's not a terrible movie thus doesn't seem worthy of Lindy's endless bag o' jokes. But it fell apart towards the end (and not because of the spoiler Lindy revealed) and the side story with the son and girl basically stays flat.

How can you diss a movie that has a brief cameo by Terry Gross?

In hindsight though, not much happens in this movie.

Also, was the beaver already in the dumpster as Lindy implies or was it part of what he tossed out? I was under the impression it was an item from his past (and thus had some meaning to him).
Posted by stinkbug on May 4, 2011 at 7:18 PM · Report this
reverend dr dj riz 17
god.. i'd see this if he chews his arm off at the end..i'd totally pay to see him do that.
Posted by reverend dr dj riz on May 4, 2011 at 7:30 PM · Report this
STJA 18
Best review evAR.
Posted by STJA on May 4, 2011 at 7:33 PM · Report this
Irena 19
Wait a second. Is this movie ripping off the Conky episodes of the Trailer Park Boys?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yuNPrYXNz…
Posted by Irena on May 4, 2011 at 9:31 PM · Report this
Simone 20
You fucking need to be on Ebert's new show.
Posted by Simone on May 4, 2011 at 10:10 PM · Report this
freesandbags 21
Gee Beav, cut it out.
Posted by freesandbags on May 4, 2011 at 11:01 PM · Report this
seattlestew 22
spoiler alert he cuts his arm off with a saw. i don't know what centaurs and imps have to do with anything.
Posted by seattlestew on May 4, 2011 at 11:16 PM · Report this
23
I armed myself with this information for fucking Asher on Monday when I saw "The Beaver." I tried to tell Asher during the refractory periods but he cut me off.
Posted by asher to asher lust to lust on May 5, 2011 at 2:40 AM · Report this
singing cynic 24
This needs to be the officially sanctioned method for spoiler revelation in all movie reviews by all critics.
Posted by singing cynic on May 5, 2011 at 3:09 AM · Report this
Lissa 25
I heart Centaur Spoilers ™. That is all.
Posted by Lissa on May 5, 2011 at 8:21 AM · Report this
rinohog 26
Sesame Street meets Aaron Ralston. Gross.
Posted by rinohog on May 5, 2011 at 8:38 AM · Report this
Josh Bomb 27
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Once again, Lindy, I love you.
Posted by Josh Bomb http://www.satanosphere.com on May 5, 2011 at 11:14 AM · Report this
Josh Bomb 28
ps I was rooting for the Wizards.

Fuck centaurs.
Posted by Josh Bomb http://www.satanosphere.com on May 5, 2011 at 11:17 AM · Report this
OutInBumF 29
I'd pay 10 bucks to watch Mel-the-Shit saw his arm off, but only if it was real. Thanks again for laugh, Lindy.
Posted by OutInBumF on May 5, 2011 at 11:27 AM · Report this
30
I hope the last scene is him taking his reunited family rock climbing or surfing.
Posted by Stinky Pete on May 5, 2011 at 1:24 PM · Report this
merry 31
EYE LUFF EWE, LINDEEEEE!!
Posted by merry on May 5, 2011 at 2:37 PM · Report this
32 Comment Pulled (Spam) Comment Policy
ron_in_PDX 33
I don't know what I liked better, the reveal or the phrase "the Helen Keller of baby oysters." Both are PFG.
Posted by ron_in_PDX on May 5, 2011 at 8:56 PM · Report this
34 Comment Pulled (Spam) Comment Policy
35
Lindy's writing is the tastiest thing on the intermet, and congratulations to Asher.
Posted by MacGruber on May 6, 2011 at 8:40 PM · Report this
36
Can somebody explain "Signs" to me in the form of a Centaur story? Cuz I can't stand to watch it again. I did not have sex on Monday. I may have had sex on A Monday. But maybe not.
Posted by plocktontraveller on May 7, 2011 at 2:28 AM · Report this
37
The Beaver Plot Summary: Mel Gibson goes crazy, sticks his hand in a beaver. Jodie Forster first loves Mel's Beaver, but then starts to hate Mel's beaver. Jodie shows Mel her box, wants Mel to choose her box over his beaver. Mel, seeing Jodie's box flips out, wants to stay with his beaver. More stuff happens, eventually Mel hates his beaver and love Jodie's box, family is saved, the end.
Posted by j2patter on May 7, 2011 at 10:08 PM · Report this
38
Thanks for saving me a few bucks, Lindy! You're the best.
Posted by LizzieVeg on May 8, 2011 at 7:57 PM · Report this
39 Comment Pulled (Spam) Comment Policy
40
So hang on... an actual beaver? A primarily nocturnal, large, semi-aquatic rodent of the genus Castor? Stuck to his arm? For the entire movie?

I don't see how that can be spoiled, because it doesn't make any sense to me. :(
Posted by Joseph in London on May 9, 2011 at 3:55 AM · Report this
Urgutha Forka 41
I will cut this beaver off my arm...

but you will blow me first.

Actually, the spoiler would have been cooler if the beaver had been attached to Mad Mel's head instead of his arm.
Posted by Urgutha Forka on May 10, 2011 at 1:35 PM · Report this
Urgutha Forka 42
I will cut this beaver off my arm...

but you will blow me first.

Actually, the spoiler would have been cooler if the beaver had been attached to Mad Mel's head instead of his arm.

Oh, and great review as always Lindy! The Helen Keller of baby oysters... win!
Posted by Urgutha Forka on May 10, 2011 at 1:35 PM · Report this
43 Comment Pulled (Spam) Comment Policy
44 Comment Pulled (Spam) Comment Policy
45
Yeah, my husband took me to this thinking it would be unintentionally hilarious. It was actually just boring.
Posted by Amanda on May 11, 2011 at 9:09 AM · Report this

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