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Concessions

Go Smurf Yourselves, Smurfs

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This new live-action Smurfs movie does a smart thing: It preempts all potential mockery of the Smurfs' inherent creepiness and logical dead ends by making fun of itself nonstop. Like, in an opening scene, right after I eagerly scribbled "WHY IS GARGAMEL SO FUCKING OBSESSED WITH SMURFS" in my notes (that's the kind of shit I can milk two whole paragraphs out of), Gargamel in the movie goes, "I AM NOT OBSESSED WITH SMURFS. I JUST CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT THEM." Hhhhhhhh. FINE. And later, when I was feeling smug about how stupid the Smurf naming system is, Neil Patrick Harris goes, "So all of you are named after your personalities? Do you get your names when you're born or after you've exhibited certain traits?" and the Smurfs are like, "Yeah! Whatever!" YEAH. WHATEVER. The movie makes fun of Smurf language ("You just say 'Smurf' for everything?"); it makes fun of that horrible fucking song ("None of you find that song just the tiniest bit annoying?"); it makes fun of the strange sexual dynamics of Smurf Village ("So you live in a village with your 99 sons and one daughter. Nothing weird about that"). And that's why I HATE THIS NEW LIVE-ACTION SMURFS MOVIE SOOOOOOO MUCH.

How am I supposed to write a hahahaha-larious column making fun of your goddamn Smurfs movie when (1) you did a preemptive strike on ALL of my best jokes, and (2) YOUR STUPID SMURFS MOVIE IS ACTUALLY KIND OF ENJOYABLE (THANKS A LOT, HANK AZARIA)??? Fuck you, Smurfs. Seriously.

Luckily, I am good at my job. I can make fun of anything. Let's do this shit.

Okay, so the plot of Smurfs is that these pointless blue things live in a mushroom village in a magical land (or "The Middle Ages" if you're whatever stupid person edited the Smurf Wikipedia page) where they get all hopped up on magic berries and dance jigs for 20 hours a day, and are eternally being chased by a bald guy in a dress named Gargamel (Azaria) who wants to "extract" their "essence" (I WILL GIVE YOU $500 IF YOU CAN PROVE THAT ISN'T A WEIRD SEXUAL THING). But, apparently, once in a "blue moon" (not a thing), a watery butt-tunnel opens up to New York City. So of COURSE the stupid Smurfs (plus Gargamel) fall through the magic hole and have to go live with Neil Patrick Harris and learn/teach a few lessons about the importance of family and believing in yourself and gardening and whatever.

There's Clumsy Smurf, whose "personality" is fucking everything up. There's Gutsy Smurf, who wears a kilt and is constantly throwing himself off of tall buildings for no reason ("SMURFABUNGA" IS NOT A WORD. ALSO, WHY ARE YOU SCOTTISH?). There's Papa Smurf, who is condescending. There's Brainy Smurf, who wears glasses. There's Grouchy Smurf, who is apparently Mexican (again, WHY???) and hates everything. And then there's Smurfette, who at one point stands on a grate and it blows her skirt up and then all the other Smurfs look at each other and go, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?????"

Uhhh, what—GANG-RAPE???

Oh, excuse me. They call it gang-smurf.

See, Smurf movie? This is what you've driven me to! A rape joke. Assholes. recommended

 

Comments (19) RSS

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veo_ 1
Well, it certainly sounds better then I expected.

There is still no way I'm ever going to see this film though unless it's part of a D/s scene and it's forced upon me as a punishment for misbehaving.
Posted by veo_ on July 27, 2011 at 3:50 PM · Report this
freesandbags 2
I'll go see it. Ummm, just so you know, Lindy...you've got some smurf in your hair. I hear it's tough to get out.
Posted by freesandbags on July 27, 2011 at 8:22 PM · Report this
Godzilla1916 3
Smurf-xactly! Must we have everything from our distant and fucked up childhood, regurgitated, re-packaged and sold back to us as the "NEW" cultural glue? I'd fuck that smurfette crazy and spew the lot of them sister fuckers with enough SANTORUM to smurfy smother Smurf-ville!
Posted by Godzilla1916 on July 28, 2011 at 10:40 AM · Report this
timtech 4
Lindy, usually your editorials/reviews are pretty good. This time you're just bitching because the movie beat you to the punchline? You can do better. I know you can. Hell I've stood in your presence and listened to you tell jokes on the fly (and by "stood in your presence" I of course mean "sat in a booth at the old Del Rey") while hosting Sex Trivia. I've been reading your stuff since I moved here in 2009 & so far this is the 1st time The Stranger has published something by you that reads worse than a HS news paper.

What happened?
Posted by timtech http://www.twitter.com/timtech on July 28, 2011 at 1:29 PM · Report this
5
YEAH LINDY, I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU WROTE A BAD ARTICLE ONCE IN TWO YEARS. YOU BETTER GET BACK ON THE SAUCE OR WHATEVER BECAUSE SOMETHING HAPPENED TO YOU AND IT'S CHANGED YOUR WRITING FOR. EV. ER. I'M THE KING OF THE STRANGER, HAVING BEEN HERE SINCE '09 SO I THINK I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE CONCERNED.

Or, you know, this movie is really vapid and self-referential and just doesn't make for a good review.
Posted by funkathrusta on July 28, 2011 at 4:00 PM · Report this
6
Actually, a "Blue Moon" is a real thing; it's when there's a fourth full moon jammed into a season (due to the twelve-and-change lunar cycles in every calendar year). They happen every 2-3 years.
Posted by Whomprat on July 28, 2011 at 7:09 PM · Report this
7
Lindy West is a 12 year old girl. There was this time when the Stranger had people who actually cared about films working the film section. Now filled with reviews by people who can't be bothered to watch them or only watch the ones appealing to 12 year old girls.
Posted by 12yearoldimfatsmurfette on July 28, 2011 at 10:19 PM · Report this
8
I'm glad to see that Gargamel has watched "Dr. Strangelove".
Posted by QuakeRugger on July 28, 2011 at 10:34 PM · Report this
9
It would've been better if his arm had kept involuntarily rising in a Hitler salute, though.
Posted by AlaskanbutnotSeanParnell on July 29, 2011 at 2:22 AM · Report this
10
@7, let me guess, you are in the local film community and at one point you or one of your equally lame friends made a shitty local film and Lindy West pointed out the shit factor in said film (which is her job) and now you have dedicated your meaningless existence to attacking her every chance you can....sound accurate? Well, that is absolutely in no way pathetic and YOU ARE THE WINNER!
Posted by Ahamefule J. Oluo on July 29, 2011 at 12:56 PM · Report this
timtech 11
@5: question.... are you trying to make fun of me? I can't really tell, seeing as how your an idiot and all.
Posted by timtech http://www.twitter.com/timtech on July 29, 2011 at 2:17 PM · Report this
timtech 12
oh - also @5, I couldn't help but notice that the last 3 comments you've left on 3 separate articles all start the exact same way.
Posted by timtech http://www.twitter.com/timtech on July 29, 2011 at 2:22 PM · Report this
13
I think this is one of the most honest reviews I have read in a while. And it made me laugh. I'll go out on a limb and say that most people need to pull that stick out of their ass and replace it with a sense of humor. "Uhhh, what—GANG-RAPE???" Priceless.

Posted by johndoval on July 29, 2011 at 4:13 PM · Report this
Donolectic 14
@11 - you're.
Posted by Donolectic on July 29, 2011 at 9:25 PM · Report this
15
@10, actually I find most local films and those that make them intolerable. I just remember a time when the Stranger actually had a film section that had actual adults contributing...but hey, interviews with farts are much more interesting
Posted by Pfffrrbt on July 29, 2011 at 10:32 PM · Report this
timtech 16
@14 - fuck. i hate when I do that. thanks for pointing that one out.
Posted by timtech http://www.twitter.com/timtech on July 29, 2011 at 11:29 PM · Report this
17
BAHAHAHAHAHA!Brilliant as always, you magical sexy wit-queen.
Posted by wolfsoup on July 29, 2011 at 11:41 PM · Report this
18
i totally smurfed off to this review!
Posted by whatsbeckgottadowithit on July 30, 2011 at 12:15 AM · Report this
19
Someone should remind Lindy (or tell her - maybe she never knew) that the smurfs were initially a series of comic books set in the Middle Ages.

So maybe she should do some research before insulting people who take the time to write something thorough and well-informed on Wikipedia. But of course, we know she won't - that would spoil the fun, wouldn't it?

Posted by Ricardo on August 3, 2011 at 7:52 AM · Report this

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