Film

Concessions

So Long, Suckers!!! I Never Liked You!

Just kidding. I fucking love you assholes.

Okay, so I'm leaving Seattle. I don't really believe it yet, but two weeks from today I will climb into a large truck with all of my clothes and shoes and novelty coffee mugs and books and Doritos and Zac Efron posters and the ten tons of garbage I will be too lazy to throw away (sorry, Mom), and I will drive south and south and south, past Centralia and Salem and Yreka and Weed and Buttonwillow-McKittrick and those stockyards where all the poop in the world comes from, up the Grapevine and down, from the 5 to the 2 to a hot ground-floor apartment in Los Angeles with a 1-million-year-old landlady and 2-million-year-old pea-soup-colored carpet in every room (even the bathroom!). Then I will live there. Two blocks away is a dive bar where I once saw Jessica Biel waiting sullenly for a cab, on the same day that Jessica Biel was named Esquire magazine's Sexiest Woman Alive. I remember noting that her butt* looked totally ordinary. THAT'S CALLED THE GLAMOROUS LIFE, YOU GUYS.

They** say that if you love something, you should set it free. To that end, because I love data entry and organizational rigmarole like they are my own children (twins, age 3, I had sex with a file cabinet), I am emancipating them into the garbage and running as fast as I can toward Mexico. But it's not really that big a deal. I'll still be writing aaaaaaaaaaall the same farty bullshit for The Stranger and Slog. I'll still be writing movie reviews that movie snobs will hate. In fact, you guys probably won't even notice that I'm gone—except that from here on out this column (Concessions 90210!***) will contain 800 percent more commentary on Jessica Biel's Ordinariest Buns Alive.

I am bad at sincerity, so let's close with some lists.

Things I Will Miss About Seattle:

Northgate Mall

My parents

Charles Mudede forgetting my name literally every day

Drinkable tap water****

Literally everything else, even the shitty things.

Things I Will Not Miss About Seattle:

Nothing. Sob.*****

*The sexiest butt alive!!!

**Boring people.

***Working title. If you have any suggestions for what to call my glamorous, new-and-improved Hollywood Concessions, please e-mail lindy@thestranger.com.

****LA tap water tastes like dead-people sun tea.

*****Concessions will resume its regular schedule in October. Stay tuned.

PSST! Check out The Stranger's New and Improved THINGS TO DO calendar.
It has a complete calendar of what's happening in Seattle's Film Scene.
 

Comments (45) RSS

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1
Best to you on the occasion of your road trip. Look forward to your dispatches. This move will bring epic wonderfulness for you. Congratulations.
Posted by gloomy gus on September 14, 2011 at 10:14 AM · Report this
2
What about the Northgate Mall are you going to miss?
Posted by MacGruber on September 14, 2011 at 11:01 AM · Report this
3
I was going to say that I will REALLY miss your articles, but alas you'll still be writing for The Stranger - yay! I love your stuff, it's funny. (Things you'll miss about Seattle: the Northgate mall. Bwahaha.)

On another note, I don't know how you could do it. I could never, ever leave Seattle for a someplace as awful as LA.
Posted by SaraJean on September 14, 2011 at 11:07 AM · Report this
4
Say it ain't so!!!! Lindy West going west????

What about our secret rendezvous? What about the San Andreas fault, the only fault tnat's not Lindy's???

Hopefully things will be more bug-free there (Dano Savage and Paul Constant not being in the vicinity, one hopes!).

But no more running into you nor cleverly scoping out your posterior when you prance down the street?

Geez, I'll have to return to porn now....

Farewell, my dove.

sgt_doom, League of Dirty Old Men
Posted by sgt_doom on September 14, 2011 at 11:29 AM · Report this
Geni 5
"Dead-people sun tea" made me spit coffee all over my desk, Lindy, thanks so much.

I suspect LA will give you even more fodder for your own particular turns of phrase than Seattle did. While Seattle has its peculiarities, there's nothing quite like LA-LA-Land.
Posted by Geni on September 14, 2011 at 11:31 AM · Report this
6
Oh... right... there's a mall at Northgate.
Posted by Carlito on September 14, 2011 at 11:32 AM · Report this
7
Just a thought...is this like that weirded out character Linda Hamilton played in those Terminator movies....where she flees to Cali-land and learns how to blow away everyone, and gets muscular and all that???????

Stay away from strange-looking robot doods, my dear.
Posted by sgt_doom on September 14, 2011 at 11:33 AM · Report this
Paxlotl 8
If I had to live in another city besides Seattle on the west coast it would probably be L.A.... Everything (and everyone) there is such a fun spectacle. Good luck!
Posted by Paxlotl on September 14, 2011 at 11:33 AM · Report this
Just Jeff 9
We fucking love you, too.

You will be missed. Here's to a success huge enough that we continue to hear from you often.
Posted by Just Jeff on September 14, 2011 at 11:35 AM · Report this
10
Oh no, I'm psychic!!!!!

2012 LA Times headline:

Charlie Sheen to wed spicy columnist, Lindy West in wedding extravanganza!
Posted by sgt_doom on September 14, 2011 at 11:44 AM · Report this
11
Oh no, I'm psychic!!!!!

2012 LA Times headline:

Charlie Sheen to wed spicy columnist, Lindy West in wedding extravanganza!
Posted by sgt_doom on September 14, 2011 at 11:44 AM · Report this
Certainly! 12
Oh, Ms. West. I am not about to pretend that you-in-LA is half as good as you-in-Seattle. How will you read bizarre teen letters to George Harrison to me from Los Angeles?! *cry*

Wish you the best, love your spidery nylons.
Posted by Certainly! on September 14, 2011 at 11:45 AM · Report this
Jaymz 13
Physical geography does make a difference. As the moss dries and falls off, the writing necessarily will become less NW-inspired and include more in-LA references we won't care about... sigh. Still funny, but not one of us. It was nice having you, for a time. Come back when you learn whatever you seek.
Posted by Jaymz on September 14, 2011 at 11:56 AM · Report this
14
Waaaah!!! How will you be my Secret Girlfriend Crush now? I will miss you, even though I've never met you.
Posted by mother_night on September 14, 2011 at 12:03 PM · Report this
gr8lakesgrrl 15
Sheesh, people, close your tags, where did you grow up, Seattle?
Posted by gr8lakesgrrl on September 14, 2011 at 12:21 PM · Report this
Zebes 16
"and 2-million-year-old pea-soup-colored carpet in every room (even the bathroom!)."

Carpets in the bathroom are a crime, even when they aren't pea green. I'm sorry, Lindy.
Posted by Zebes http://www.badrap.org/rescue/index.html on September 14, 2011 at 12:22 PM · Report this
gr8lakesgrrl 17
testing 1...2...3...
Posted by gr8lakesgrrl on September 14, 2011 at 12:22 PM · Report this
gr8lakesgrrl 18
Nope, I can't close that tag either, someone with better skillz had better try.
Posted by gr8lakesgrrl on September 14, 2011 at 12:24 PM · Report this
19
Let it close with me!
Posted by gloomy gus on September 14, 2011 at 12:33 PM · Report this
20
Dang - my magic wand be drooping again today.
Posted by gloomy gus on September 14, 2011 at 12:34 PM · Report this
emor 21
Have fun. Don't go to Orange County. Ever. For any reason.
Posted by emor on September 14, 2011 at 12:59 PM · Report this
22
We'll miss you, Ms. West!
Posted by supergp on September 14, 2011 at 1:06 PM · Report this
23
Good riddance, southie.
Posted by sonder on September 14, 2011 at 1:14 PM · Report this
24
Posted by Actionsquid on September 14, 2011 at 1:29 PM · Report this
25
Testing?
Posted by Actionsquid on September 14, 2011 at 1:29 PM · Report this
MacCrocodile 26
I'll burn down the mall for you, Lindy, so that no other film critic may sully its halls.
Posted by MacCrocodile http://maccrocodile.com/ on September 14, 2011 at 1:39 PM · Report this
27
Love your writing, Lindy! Glad you're not taking that away from us.
Posted by tabski on September 14, 2011 at 1:48 PM · Report this
28
What ever
Posted by Greg Barnes on September 14, 2011 at 2:09 PM · Report this
29
Okay, try this
Posted by Greg Barnes on September 14, 2011 at 2:12 PM · Report this
Will in Seattle 30
I hate bold and strong tags.

My neice in LA wants to go club-hopping with you. She's 19, a UCLA econ student, very very pretty, and works for a tourism firm. You should hang. Bounce me an email off-web.
Posted by Will in Seattle http://www.facebook.com/WillSeattle on September 14, 2011 at 2:17 PM · Report this
Medina 31
I knew Lindy wouldn't last more than a year after her disagreement with Dan: http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archive…
Posted by Medina on September 14, 2011 at 3:07 PM · Report this
robwolf 32
If you were moving to Paris, or something I would understand. But...LA?! Really!?

I give you one year before the first plastic surgery... but please, keep writing!
Posted by robwolf on September 14, 2011 at 3:38 PM · Report this
Puty 33
@Medina: don't be such a smug, prissy poophead. Good luck and have fun and WRITE OFTEN (hyuk), Lindy!
Posted by Puty on September 14, 2011 at 4:52 PM · Report this
34
What about Hank????!!!!????
Posted by Action Slacks on September 14, 2011 at 11:25 PM · Report this
35
I feel vaguely smug that you're coming down here. I'm an ex-Seattlite, too.
Posted by leahclaire on September 15, 2011 at 1:25 PM · Report this
36
Good Luck!
Posted by clint on September 15, 2011 at 3:27 PM · Report this
inquiastador 37
No!!!!!!! I have always loved your writing, I mean it was always the one thing I sought out when I opened a new addition. Even though you may still be writing, fuck it, you'll still be writing. Good luck with the trip. Too bad you aren't going down the coast, that trip down through the Joaquin and up the grapevine suckles dog scrote. But it is long enough already.

P.S. Fuck off for this.
P.S.S Just kidding.
P.S.S.S. No, really, just fuck off, me sad.
Posted by inquiastador on September 15, 2011 at 5:07 PM · Report this
inquiastador 38
Can anyone just imagine what the underside of that bathroom carpet must look like? Forget dead people sun tea, just steep that 10-15 minutes in your tea cup.
Posted by inquiastador on September 15, 2011 at 5:13 PM · Report this
39
She's going south, not west. Call her Lindy Southwest.
Posted by Moira on September 15, 2011 at 6:59 PM · Report this
40
Normally I would discourage anyone from moving here as it already overcrowded with failed Boston screenwriters and Wisconcin cheesehead rockstar wannabes, but you will be a fine addition to our fair city. Just let us know where to see your writing and be sure to check out/in LuxuriaMusic.com. You'll fit right in.
Posted by Crash on September 15, 2011 at 7:36 PM · Report this
freesandbags 41
Lindeeeeee!! As long as you are still writing for this rag then it will be like you've never left. Watch out, they have real earthquakes down there.
Posted by freesandbags on September 15, 2011 at 8:08 PM · Report this
OutInBumF 42
Hope your skin doesn't crack with dryness, or your lungs burn up with smog poisoning. And oh, the madding crowd and ENDLESS freeways.
No more green trees, blue water or soaring mountains both east and west for you, my dear. We'll miss you in person, even if you're still here with your amazing wit. Hopefully you and Savage can still bicker and squabble like 5 year olds on a 10 hour car trip...
Good luck, Lindy.
Posted by OutInBumF on September 16, 2011 at 12:39 PM · Report this
Fish Wrench Asteroid 43
What does Charles Mudede call you? Does he not read Slog or The Stranger articles that he doesn't write? Am I taking this seriously when it's an inside joke? If it's an inside joke can someone explain it to me so I am no longer on the outside?
Posted by Fish Wrench Asteroid on September 16, 2011 at 3:32 PM · Report this
44
Don't do it! Seriously, L.A. is the bunghole of the universe. I left L.A. to come to Seattle - best decision ever. It is creepy, expensive, and the inhabitants have no souls.
Posted by JuwannaAsskickin on September 17, 2011 at 4:21 PM · Report this
45
Can I come visit you wearing my pool pants? I promise I won't drink so much vodka or punch any elevators this time

(LOVE AND MISS YOU ALREADY)
Posted by Kelly O on September 21, 2011 at 4:32 PM · Report this

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