So Long, Suckers!!! I Never Liked You!
Just kidding. I fucking love you assholes.
Okay, so I'm leaving Seattle. I don't really believe it yet, but two weeks from today I will climb into a large truck with all of my clothes and shoes and novelty coffee mugs and books and Doritos and Zac Efron posters and the ten tons of garbage I will be too lazy to throw away (sorry, Mom), and I will drive south and south and south, past Centralia and Salem and Yreka and Weed and Buttonwillow-McKittrick and those stockyards where all the poop in the world comes from, up the Grapevine and down, from the 5 to the 2 to a hot ground-floor apartment in Los Angeles with a 1-million-year-old landlady and 2-million-year-old pea-soup-colored carpet in every room (even the bathroom!). Then I will live there. Two blocks away is a dive bar where I once saw Jessica Biel waiting sullenly for a cab, on the same day that Jessica Biel was named Esquire magazine's Sexiest Woman Alive. I remember noting that her butt* looked totally ordinary. THAT'S CALLED THE GLAMOROUS LIFE, YOU GUYS.
They** say that if you love something, you should set it free. To that end, because I love data entry and organizational rigmarole like they are my own children (twins, age 3, I had sex with a file cabinet), I am emancipating them into the garbage and running as fast as I can toward Mexico. But it's not really that big a deal. I'll still be writing aaaaaaaaaaall the same farty bullshit for The Stranger and Slog. I'll still be writing movie reviews that movie snobs will hate. In fact, you guys probably won't even notice that I'm gone—except that from here on out this column (Concessions 90210!***) will contain 800 percent more commentary on Jessica Biel's Ordinariest Buns Alive.
I am bad at sincerity, so let's close with some lists.
Things I Will Miss About Seattle:
Charles Mudede forgetting my name literally every day
Drinkable tap water****
Literally everything else, even the shitty things.
Things I Will Not Miss About Seattle:
*The sexiest butt alive!!!
***Working title. If you have any suggestions for what to call my glamorous, new-and-improved Hollywood Concessions, please e-mail email@example.com.
****LA tap water tastes like dead-people sun tea.
*****Concessions will resume its regular schedule in October. Stay tuned.