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Cute as Shit

Lindy West Interviews the Ever-Testy Adam Carolla

Cute as Shit

Daniel Fischel

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Adam Carolla sounds tired. We've been on the phone for approximately 45 seconds, and someone has already buzzed his front gate four or five times. Each buzz makes a little blip on the phone line. "Jesus Christ," he mutters. "OLGA!" Pause. "OLGA!" Pause. "OLGA, SOMEONE'S AT THE GATE. SOMEONE'S AT THE GATE. SOMEONE. IS AT THE GATE!"

Olga is the nanny to Carolla's 4-year-old twins, Sonny and Natalia. I already know this, because every Adam Carolla fan already knows pretty much everything about Adam Carolla's life. He's been broadcasting for multiple hours every day for the past couple of decades, and it all goes in there: the wife, the kids, the front gate, the nannies. "The nannies of the neighborhood just sometimes walk around and buzz the gate and see if my nanny's hanging out," he explains. "The roving nannies, they don't tell you they're coming. They just rove over and buzz the gate."

Carolla's annoyed and apologetic, but he banks on exactly this type of exasperation. He's professionally fed up—by which I mean, he's made a living out of being fed up, not that he's fed up with his living. Or maybe a little of both. On the phone, Carolla speaks more slowly and quietly than I'm used to hearing him on the radio—a human version of that same nasal grate that's been drilling into my ear since I was 13 or 14, when I would fall asleep listening to Loveline at the lowest volume possible because it seemed just racy enough to get me in trouble. Today, conversation comes easily: We already know each other. Carolla's been yelling at me for more than half my life.

"It's just one of these things where it's not anyone's fault." (He's still on the nanny.) "It's just that the fuckin' nanny schedules her jamboree for the time I gotta do a bunch of phoner press, and she schedules it and then she doesn't—like, GO OPEN THE GATE, THEN! If you've got someone coming over!"

"It doesn't seem like it should be your responsibility," I concur, trying to be comforting. He sounds genuinely exhausted. (In the meantime, the gardener has arrived, parked in the wrong parking spot, blocking in Carolla's car, and for some reason is ringing the doorbell repeatedly. The nanny jamboree continues unabated.) "Oh. Let me tell you somethin', sister. If you are semicompetent, everything becomes your responsibility, because you end up fucking drowning in imbeciles and then you have to do all the shit."

I have no idea how to interview Adam Carolla. His daily podcast (The Adam Carolla Show, which began after his morning radio show was canceled, supposedly due to the station changing formats) runs for 90 minutes or so. Most of that time is taken up with Carolla talking: complaining, ranting, telling stories, sorting through the world with his own particular code. It's all out there already. So I ask him what he would ask him if he were me. He's thoughtful for a minute. "I think I would ask me about misconceptions about me. That's what I would ask."

"All right," I say. "What are some misconceptions about you?"

"I don't want to talk about that."

But that's a joke, of course. He does want to talk about it. "People think I'm different than I am sometimes, in some ways. And I think that if you have a couple of opinions on a couple of topics, you get sort of branded one way or another." I ask him to be more specific. "You do The Man Show, and everyone wants to know why you don't have a beer in your hand. And you talk about beefing up the border, and they want to know when you started blowing Glenn Beck. And it's this notion that you can't do something or have an idea or thought about one thing or another and—hold on—JAY! TO THE RIGHT, BUDDY! Fuckin' gardener—you do overhear my conversation, right? How the fuck can I relax?"

People sometimes don't get how I, a person who traffics almost exclusively in bitchy feminist rants, can be a fan of Carolla and (God for-fucking-bid) Howard Stern. But Carolla's not some virulent ideologue—he's not Glenn Beck, and people who draw that parallel are doing it wrong. He (and Stern, in much the same way) is smart, he's insightful, and, more importantly for a comedian, he's brilliantly funny. And Carolla's not playing a character—he's no Larry the Cable Guy—he's actually in there, bones and beak and flaws and traditional gender roles and the occasional racist comment about immigrants and all.

The next 20 minutes of our "conversation," condensed: "As far as the feminist stuff goes, or the gay movement, or the black movement, or the Hispanic movement, or something—you see, people mistake being against the general movement for being against the people. Like, I want women to have equal rights and access to abortions and lesbians should be able to get married and women should get equal pay for equal work and all that shit. I'm just so fucking tired of recognizing everyone's group. That's the whole point. All these groups, by the way, would be much better off without their groups. The people would be better off without their groups. Yeah, fucking Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are working wonders in the black community. Man, have they really turned things around. Imagine where they'd be without them. Fuckin' ridiculous. These guys are professional extortionists—that's all they are. The only group that should matter is your fuckin' family."

I ask how, exactly, he expects people to enact change in their lives against perceived injustices. "Oh, without a group?" He's quiet for a minute. "Yeah, well, how do you get off the ground with a topic like gay marriage, or how do you push an agenda like gay marriage if you don't have a group to back that? That's a valid point."

"Because that seems like the most effective means to get people to shut up," I offer.

"Yeah. I would love the gays to marry so they could shut up."

We're both being flippant, but it's a weirdly affecting moment of connection for me. I challenged him, and he actually considered my point. I'm having a real conversation with a real person. That's what's so great about Carolla: Even when you disagree with his conclusions (it's unavoidable), the logic behind them is so honest and bare and funny that getting offended would just be sour grapes. I ask Adam, this person on the other end of the line, about his family—the only group that matters.

"They're cute as shit. I love the shit out of those kids." recommended

 

Comments (24) RSS

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Roscoe 1
So does Adam Carolla own stock in The Stranger or something? First he defiles Savage's podcast, and now this little rimjob appears, two bits of advertising for one of the least funny creatures on the face of the earth.
Posted by Roscoe on September 8, 2010 at 12:37 PM · Report this
2
I don't think he's very funny...maybe I'm missing something.
Posted by Fiona1988 on September 8, 2010 at 12:56 PM · Report this
3
@2 a sense of humor
Posted by aceace on September 8, 2010 at 1:18 PM · Report this
JF 4
@1 The Aceman was on Savage's podcast?
Posted by JF on September 8, 2010 at 1:43 PM · Report this
5
@ 4 - last week, but not for the entire thing.
Posted by UnoriginalAndrew on September 8, 2010 at 5:04 PM · Report this
SchmuckyTheCat 6
What in the world is the drawing illustrating this?
Posted by SchmuckyTheCat on September 8, 2010 at 5:13 PM · Report this
freesandbags 7
Crappy drawing. Good job Lindy. He's funny. Don't forget about Carcast.
Posted by freesandbags on September 8, 2010 at 6:59 PM · Report this
growler 8
carolla was a breath of fresh air at first.
unfortunately he says the same stuff, and same stories over and over and over again. true all his fans know carolla well, way too true. now he's just dull, boring, and repetitive. like an old man complaining about cold soup. His constant negativity is exhausting.

there's plenty of other podcasts with MUCH funnier people, that don't repeat themselves to death.
Posted by growler on September 8, 2010 at 8:18 PM · Report this
9
@1 Why, you have the gumption to come in here, a veritable lions-den of Carolla-gushers, only to call him and his brand of humor out on the carpet?

A dandy dash of piss-and-vinegar you are, sir! Rouse the rabble! Scoundrel!
Posted by Cooter on September 8, 2010 at 8:36 PM · Report this
10
I liked Carolla's podcast, until he inexplicably reverted back to his old radio format and boring cast, recently.

Stern's show repeats itself a lot these days, but is awesome when George Takei is sitting in.
Posted by Peter F on September 9, 2010 at 10:23 AM · Report this
Fried Worms 11
I want to know why this is in the theatre section. This isn't theatre. Where's the theatre coverage? Ok, so maybe the stranger isn't equipped with a stale-dried-up-caveman-jokester-who-overstayed-his-1994-welcome-and-wants-to-be-a-do-it-live-"comedian" section. So then you figure, well, so I guess we'll stick him over here 'cause he ain't on no TV this time. That doesn't make it theatre. And why would it have to replace actual theatre coverage? The reason you have a theatre section is because some of us want to read about the performing arts in the area. The Stranger is going to pretend that in a whole week, Adam fucking Carolla is the closest our awesome city has to performing arts? really? Where the fuck are we? Woodinville?
Posted by Fried Worms on September 9, 2010 at 11:50 AM · Report this
12
@11

Carolla tours with stage shows. When he comes to Seattle he usually plays the Moore.

Take it easy.
Posted by Amanda on September 9, 2010 at 1:51 PM · Report this
13
Shocking that there are so many Carolla haters in Seattle since he constantly makes fun of weenie liberal hippies. Those of us MEN in Tacoma love him though. Funny as shit, and calls it like he sees it.
Posted by Horsecock on September 9, 2010 at 3:00 PM · Report this
Seeds 14
@13 : Right, you're obviously completely secure in your manhood..
Posted by Seeds on September 9, 2010 at 4:56 PM · Report this
15
Oh man a bunch of stereotypically butthurt liberals started whining right out the gate. I figured it would take a page or two.

Carolla's right--stop reacting to things people say because you feel like you are expected to.
Posted by Oliver Bigler on September 9, 2010 at 11:34 PM · Report this
JF 16
@11 How's your theatre performance coming along anyway?
Posted by JF on September 10, 2010 at 7:47 AM · Report this
17
@8 - Like what podcasts -- do share!
Posted by flotzam http://flotzam.com on September 10, 2010 at 2:56 PM · Report this
18
I hate it when my nanny tries to have friends too.
Posted by mitchmitchmitch on September 10, 2010 at 10:48 PM · Report this
devon rocketship 19
Very disappointed with the amount of Corolla attacking going on in the comments section. We were expecting/hoping for so much more..
Posted by devon rocketship http://swimtothemoon.livejournal.com on September 11, 2010 at 8:45 PM · Report this
Seeds 20
Maybe he should taken Gallagher's cue and gone to Bremerton instead.
Posted by Seeds on September 13, 2010 at 5:57 PM · Report this
TheLando 21
How smart can a guy be if he rails against groups of all stripes without stopping to consider what they're actually for? Whatever groups like the NAACP are now, they didn't start out a social clubs. Duh.
Posted by TheLando on September 14, 2010 at 3:51 AM · Report this
pales 22
I'm sure gays, feminists, blacks, etc. would love to be treated equally so they can spend their time & energy on more important things. Sorry we're annoying you, Mr Corolla.

I never liked his schtick but invading the Savage Lovecast to say that women can't have threesomes because they get emotionally involved or some such illogical crap was seriously irritating. I've never fast-forwarded through one of Dan's podcasts until then...
Posted by pales on September 14, 2010 at 11:47 AM · Report this
23
While living in LA a few years ago, I got so tired of the white guy as exasperated major domo routine. "Why can't these foreign people do anything right? If I wasn't here to show them how to edge my lawn, who knows what they'd do."
Posted by ChingaAdam on September 14, 2010 at 6:24 PM · Report this
24
Loved the illustration, Daniel. Keep up the good work, man.
Posted by Gilbot on September 14, 2010 at 11:51 PM · Report this

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