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Dan Savage's Guide to the Movies (The Amateur Porn Movies in HUMP! 5, That Is)

HUMP! 5: A Guide to the Smut That Made the Cut

by Dan Savage

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When the first audience sits down to watch the first screening of HUMP! 5— noon this Friday at On the Boards—those of us who run HUMP! will have already watched each of the films at least four times. We watch all the submissions during the HUMP! jury's initial screening (a long and drunken process), we watch the ones we like again while making the difficult decisions about which films to cut (a sad and sobering process), we watch them again when setting the run order for the films that make it into the festival (we want a good mix), and we watch them one last time at On the Boards (to iron out any technical glitches).

So we're pretty much done watching the films when HUMP! actually goes down.

Which is fine because there's something at the screenings that's almost as interesting to watch as the films themselves: the audiences. One of the best things about HUMP!—in addition to seeing all the diverse bodies, sex acts, and cinematic styles on display—is watching the audiences react to the films. When people sit down to watch HUMP! they're volunteering to watch porn that takes them outside their usual comfort zones. At HUMP! straight people watch gay porn, gay people watch straight porn, vanillas watch kink, kinksters watch vanilla. People laugh, people gasp, people cover their eyes—but they keep coming back, year after year, for more HUMP!

Not to get too woo-hoo about it all, but HUMP! really does say something wonderful about Seattle—about our sexual culture, about our openness, about our willingness to quite literally come together.

DANCE BELT
United States, 2009, 4 minutes
No dance belts were harmed during the production of this music video—no dance belts were worn during the production of this music video. Featuring two single ladies and one single man, Dance Belt's absence of dance belts makes you keenly aware of the nature and purpose of dance belts. Some scenes may induce vertigo in more sensitive audience members.

CITIZEN CAME
United States, 2009, 5 minutes
Can an experienced masturbator with a full head of shaggy hair blow a record 10 loads, in 10 Portland locations, in just 24 hours? Featuring two straight boys who are young, dumb, and just as full of charisma as they are come, Citizen Came may be the feel-good hit of HUMP! 5.

FULL SWAP
United States, 2009, 2.5 minutes
The real star of this straight swinging epic is a sectional sofa that sees more action in two and a half minutes than your poor sofa will see in the next two and a half years. HUMP! audiences will thank God for slipcovers, Scotchgard, sexually adventurous married couples, and one very well-placed security camera.

BOYS BEWARE
United States, 2009, 5 minutes
A boy-in-peril epic. In the style of short films produced in the 1950s, Boys Beware demonstrates the dangers posed to young boys by predatory homosexual men. A five-year veteran of the HUMP! jury said that the rear end on the imperiled boy was perhaps the finest ass that has ever appeared in HUMP! Will that ass escape a predator—and HUMP! 5—unfucked? Don't count on it.

READ MY LIPS
United States, 2009, 4 minutes
A submissive boy and a dominant woman explore their love for sadomasochistic sex and their love for classic sadomasochistic literature. In a HUMP! first, a book is used as an impact toy—and a come rag.

I'M HARD
United States, 2009, 1.5 minutes
Is there a rapper out there who's a bigger dick than Kanye West? Yes, there is...

THE GOOD BOOK
United States, 2009, 5 minutes
Featuring the low production values (um, those aren't Mormon undergarments) and questionable artistic choices (um, Catholic priests don't have Mohawks) that characterize the finest American porn, this short religious-themed film features the kind of sex that best characterizes HUMP!: It's hot, and it's passionate, and its stars are really, really into each other.

HOW TO PLEASE YOUR MAN
United States, 2009, 5 minutes
Larry King. Oral sex. Larry King and oral sex. You have been warned.

BEYOND GAY
United States, 2009, 5 minutes
A hard-up lesbian and a frustrated gay man reach across—and under—a sexual and cultural divide that many thought couldn't be bridged. It's a Humpfest first. Excuse me, it's a HUMP! first.

INCUBUS
United States, 2009, 5 minutes
One member of the HUMP! jury couldn't relax enough to enjoy this submission. "That girl is going to get a really bad UTI," this juror observed. "She needs to wash her hands before she does that. Yeah, hot and all, but look at her fingernails. UTIs suck. I hope they served her cranberry juice between takes."

DUMPSTER HUMPSTER
United States, 2009, 4 minutes
A hungry, broke, and insanely hot Seattle boy finds sustenance—and a secret sexual subculture—in a spacious Dumpster behind a Dick's. Pretty soon this broke boy is literally rolling in dough.

SEX MOVES 102
United States, 2009, 4 minutes
A straight couple and a gay couple learn some new moves. You'll believe a man can fly and a woman can pie.

VIOLET UPRISING
United States, 2009, 3 minutes
A lesbian-puppet-sex extravaganza with a surprising—and surprisingly creepy—twist.

MAXIMUM OVERLOAD
United States, 2009, 5 minutes
An alternate-reality computer game, a pair of goggles, and a powerful computer provide a mop-topped Seattle boy with a once-in-a-lifetime sexual experience. Not just Tron for a new generation of sexual perverts, Maximum Overload has an important message for all masturbators: If you don't live alone, lock your bedroom door.

TROLLEY TRYST
United States, 2009, 2 minutes
Sluts ride the SLUT.

GUESS WHO'S CUMMING TO DINNER
United States, 2009, 5 minutes
This film marks the return of a beloved porn archetype: the horny delivery boy. A man is preparing a surprise dinner for his absent boyfriend when a horny delivery boy arrives. More than one package gets opened before the absent boyfriend returns and discovers that there's more going on under that granite countertop than there is on top of it.

THE PASSWORD
United States, 2009, 5 minutes
There are films that send half the HUMP! jury running from the room as the other half dives behind the couch. This is one of those films. We said we wanted to see some male submission and female dominance this year, and holy Christ on a bondage board, does The Password ever deliver. We would say this isn't your father's S&M short, but... um... that might be your dad.

THE MODERN HOUSEWIFE
United States, 2009, 5 minutes
If HUMP! gave a prize for hair and makeup, this 1950s lesbian sex romp would walk away with it. There isn't a hair—or a tongue—out of place in this short instructional film that shows the modern housewife everything she can do with a box of Saran Wrap.

I WENT TO A PARTY AND HAD A DREAM
United States, 2009, 4 minutes
You'll never fall asleep on a couch at a party again.

OUR RUINOUS LOVE
United States, 2009, 4 minutes
Like I said, there are films that send half the HUMP! jury running from the room as the other half dives behind the couch. This is another one of those films. A man and a woman explore all the various ways a female sub can show her devotion to her male dominant, along with all the various BDSM toys and kitchen implements that can be pressed into service—and pressed into orifices—to demonstrate that devotion. And, um, is that a traffic cone?

FUCK
United States, 2009, 5 minutes
A porny homage to Crank: A Mexican drug lord in a bad wig poisons the penises of two L.A. police detectives. If they lose their erections, the detectives lose their lives. It's a race against time, orgasms, and turnoffs as the afflicted officers search desperately for a cure.

CYCLUST
United States, 2009, 4 minutes
A lesbian love-and-lust story told in still images. "Best lesbian sex scene in HUMP! ever," said one jury member. "Totally sweet and really hot—proves that you don't need a dude, a strap-on, or a traffic cone to make hot lesbian porn."

ET2: DARK TERRITORY
United States, 2009, 4 minutes
E.T. comes back to visit Elliott—but Elliott has changed. And so has E.T.