From the May 29 – Jun 4, 2003 issue

Columns

D.A.R.E. To Keep Dick Size Secret

Yes, I lost my temper and you saw me chase a couple of little shits, grabbing one of them by the backpack. Yes, I yelled at them to stay the fuck away from the apartment building. And being the concerned neighbors you are, you called the police on me. But here's what you DIDN'T see... These little shits kept buzzing my front door, asking how big my dick is, and hanging up. Once I caught them looking into cars in the garage and called the police, who wouldn't do anything. ("They're only kids...") When they came back to ask about my dick again, I went running downstairs to get them. But check this out: While I was waiting in handcuffs, the cops tried to question the kids--but they refused to cooperate. Then they opened their backpacks and found stolen wallets, checkbooks, credit cards, car keys, and cell phones. They told me I was free to go and they were going to send the little shits to juvie. So before you start congratulating yourself for rescuing some little shits from a bad man, I'll be happy to let you read the incident report.

--Anonymous