This was a fine, FINE year here at Drunk of the Week. We've all regretted getting drunk, but getting crowned Drunk of the Week is never something to regret. 'Tis a motherfucking honor. But of all this year's honorable drunks and drunkesses, who shall be crowned Drunk of the Year? YOU, THE PEOPLE, MUST DECIDE. 'Tis your duty to vote.
Will it be Ashley Alaska, champion power drinker? The guy who refused to admit bourbon was as tasty as Scotch, then puked on my shoes? Or Andy from Alpena, who lost a bet and had to put his dick in a snowbank?
1. SUPERBOWL LARRY Larry fell off a bar stool at King Cobra and broke his leg—actually dislocated his kneecap—in the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl. Then he sat on the floor in blinding pain, waiting until the end of the game before calling the ambulance. Dude's still on crutches a year later. A for effort Larry!
2. ASHLEY ALASKA You cannot drink an Alaskan under the table. You just can't. I've tried and tried. And I'm Irish. I bet Sarah Palin's real biggest secret is that she could actually drink more than Shane MacGowen. Okay, that's pushin' it, but Alaskan girls are still total badasses.
3. LOOK I'M NAKED! When's the last time you went outside a bar to smoke a cigarette with a bunch of people that you just met, and you look up from your lighter and one of them's buck-ass naked? No big deal. Just naked. I fucking LOVE this guy.
4. STRAIGHT GIRLS WHO GET DRUNK, THEN MAKE OUT WITH OTHER STRAIGHT GIRLS Are these girls HOT? Just ask that guy to the left. Sweat broke out on his forehead within two seconds of looking in their direction.
More pictures HERE. Told you so.
5. UM, YOU HAVE RONALD REGAN ON YOUR ASS FOREVER Did you know there's a Seattle tattoo artist named Coyote that is trying to get each and every single US President ever onto someone's ass for his portfolio? No really.
6. CINCO DE MAYO! VÓMITO! VÓMITO! This guy almost puked on my shoes. It's hard to take these pictures sometimes.
7. THIS GUY DID PUKE ON MY SHOES Just look at that face. That barf is almost 3/4 of the way to the top. There's no stopping it now. Doesn't matter if it was bourbon OR scotch.
8. THE SISTER-IN-LAW Here at Drunk of the Week, we don't normally take reader submissions. But sometimes we HAVE to. Like this one: "This is my brother's wife. She got shitfaced before my wedding—drove there so hammered she couldn't talk. When we signed the marriage license, she passed out on a couch. When she woke up, she called my brother a 'motherfucker' and a 'son of a bitch,' then she was escorted out. At some point, she slapped my mom—and that's when my mom and my sister beat her up. She ended up really bloody and minus quite a bit of hair." A for effort Sister-In-Law!
9. READER SUBMISSION OF THE CENTURY Again, normally I don't take reader submitted photos. But this guy was so eloquent and charming, I just couldn't help but run his photo.
10. LOST A BET, HAD TO STICK HIS DICK IN A SNOWBANK I took this photo in my hometown of Alpena, a small snowy factory town in Northern Michigan. To say living in a small town is "boring" is wildly inaccurate. Growing up there, I learned that only boring people get bored. On Jan. 3, 2009, Andy here went out and got shit-canned with some old friends. Then he lost a bet on drunken pool-game wager, and had to take off ALL his clothes and stick his dick into a six-foot snow bank. Does THAT sound boring? I think not! Read more HERE. I love me some Alpena boys.