The Stranger’s No-Goddamn-Bullshit Wedding Guide

The Stranger's No-Goddamn-Bullshit Wedding Guide

Veils with Vroom

Marry Wear

Everybody Dance Now

A Faggot Attends the Wedding Expo

How to Get Married on the Spur of the Moment

Weddings Gone Wrong

Now you can marry whoever the hell you want to marry. The old rules no longer apply. It is time to have the BEST WEDDING EVER! Think of it this way: You're not going to attend your funeral, plus, you die alone. So this party—your wedding, the celebration of the greatest thing ever, which is LOVE—should be the biggest, best party EVER.

Luckily, when it comes to food and drink, this is not rocket science. The first and primary thing: Give your guests a drink immediately upon their arrival, and keep 'em coming. Consider starting with a champagne cocktail: fizzy! Celebratory! Exciting! (And, if you're doing it yourself, easy to make.) If you're starting your festivities in a setting where, for some reason (God?), you cannot distribute drinks instantaneously, you are doing it wrong. God wants you to get this party started! If there must, for some God-awful reason, be an alcohol-free ceremony interval, make sure there are drinks beforehand and directly following, and, for God's sake, keep the ceremony BRIEF—profound, beautiful, amazing, but BRIEF. Then, if you can't have a full bar—which you should, if financially possible! Remember: biggest, best party ever!—you should definitely have some decent whiskey along with the beer and wine. Your guests want to dance! They want to hug you, and each other! They want to get lucky afterward! So: lubrication in the form of liquor, and lots of it. Yes!

Vis-à-vis food: There should be snacks, pronto! Have these snacks carried around to your guests on trays. Nothing is better than a snack that magically comes to you instead of you having to go to it, one that arrives at your elbow while you're enjoying a drink and talking to the best people ever and thinking about love; an easy-to-eat one, accompanied by a little paper napkin for tidiness. Whatever you're serving later—catered prime rib or buffet Ezell's, an enormous white wedding cake or stacks of doughnuts, whatever the hell you want!—initial snackage gets everything off to a joyous start. (Speaking of catering: If you can afford it, a good caterer is your new best friend. The best, like Mangetout Catering [mangetout.com] or Lisa Dupar Catering [duparandcompany.com], will hold your hand pretty much every step of the way. Or if you want to go the wedding-planner route, Stephanie Solomon [solomonevents.com] and Steve Moore [stevenmooredesigns.com] are reportedly anti-annoying lifesavers. But remember: There's nothing wrong with a few friends and lots of champagne and gummy bears! See here!)

And now that we live in the coolest state in the union, there's the option of discreet dishes of pre-rolled joints or (well-marked! Think about Grandma!) marijuana edibles for your guests to enjoy at their leisure. Now THAT'S a good party.

Most of all, do what makes you happiest. Celebrate LOVE. It's your day, you adorable two! Why not have pie? recommended