Among the towering glories of the authorized medical marijuana era is a ridiculous array of available "medibles"—items that deliver THC to your system via delicious food items rather than gnarly smoke. Below you'll find a guided tour of a number of medibles, from a number of people who got high as poop without ever coughing once.
Patient testimony: "As a not-very-regular marijuana smoker, my experiences with amateur edibles have been uniformly terrible. They have always had a paralytic effect, and one time in college I missed two really fun-sounding parties because someone's stupid pot cookie turned me into a zombie and I had to go to bed. Not so with the entirely delightful, official medible brownie I had on a lovely summer afternoon at a friend's barbecue! The brownie tasted like a regular brownie; I suppose it took a half hour or so to take effect, but the slope was so gentle and pleasant, it's hard to say. Everything just became slightly sparkly and far more fun. (Among the day's deep thoughts: 'I have wonderful friends!') Conversations were lovely, there was much laughter, my body felt relaxed, and I retained full mobility and alertness. I did get stuck on the sidewalk halfway home, standing in the sun talking to my friend who'd been strolling with me, but only because we were having such a nice, hilarious chat that we kind of forgot to keep walking."
Patient testimony: "I ate a chai spice cupcake laced with medical marijuana that my girlfriend made for her birthday party. The cupcake was made with coconut oil, coconut milk, apple cider vinegar, cloves, cinnamon, and ginger, but I mostly noticed the last two ingredients. The overall effect was wholesome, if not bursting with flavor. Within about 45 minutes, I could sense time slowing and everything everyone said becoming more amusing and absurd. There were three musical performances to help celebrate my girlfriend's born day. The synthesizer-heavy music by all three acts sounded amazing, full of generously peaceful vibes, creating a maximally charged minimalism that could've oscillated forever without complaint from me. I'd only smoked pot a few times in my life, with little pleasure derived from it, but eating the stuff delivered a wonderful, full-bodied high, verging on acid-like bliss, with only a slight undertone of paranoia."
Patient testimony: "After years of trying and failing to enjoy marijuana via smoking it—the high is too abrupt and too difficult to control, plus smoking is gross—my first time with a pot lollipop was like experiencing a totally different drug. It tasted like a watermelon Jolly Rancher (with a faint tinge of skunky high-school basement), and about a half hour after I finished it, when I stood up to go to the bathroom, I realized my brain was floating four feet above my body. A high through the stomach is completely different than through the lungs: I felt warm—glowing, even—and quiet and contemplative. I watched the Friday the 13th where Jason goes to the future and kills horny teenagers on a spaceship. I felt blood rushing through my veins. And then I masturbated, and it was glorious, and I slept the sleep of a noble warrior, returned home safely from the bloody field of battle. The next time, I broke the lollipop in half and enjoyed a mild, functional, highly enjoyable buzz. I'm never inhaling drugs again."
Patient testimony: "I enjoy weed, but the older I get, the more intense it seems. In high school, I was way better at weed—probably because I was smoking the tiny-town special (mostly seeds and/or oregano). Not long ago, my buddy offered me some 'magic' caramel corn, and I don't need to tell you that weed food has come a long way from Billy Bongload's stale brownies. This caramel corn had a faint weed essence somewhere in the aftertaste, but mainly just tasted like really good caramel corn. Alas, I ALWAYS fall for the 'this hasn't kicked in yet, guess I need more' scenario, and the next thing I knew, I was at the Comet. The night dissolved into: Is my dancing weird? Can everyone see how weird I am dancing? Should I stop dancing? People should dance at shows. Is that the guy from that taco place? Should I talk to him? What if he thinks I'm a jerk? Am I a jerk? I want a taco so bad right now. After a debilitatingly awkward 'taco guy' interaction ('I'm actually a barista. I don't think we've met. Are you okay?'), I left without saying good-bye to anyone, and went home to watch Law & Order but wound up accidentally making a Wii character and falling asleep with my shoes on."
Patient testimony: "For me, cannabis tincture is like a whole other drug. Smoking marijuana can be a jagged experience, with a hard peak and then a sleepy slide into a daze. Eating marijuana baked goods is unpredictable and too often leads to a complete, stony abdication of the rest of the day. But for me, a few drops of tincture under the tongue is like magic—it takes effect quickly (no wondering for the next two hours about whether I'm going to be too stoned to be functional) and has a light, easy, long plateau. The first time I took tincture, it was offered by a friend in a coffeehouse when I was feeling jet-lagged, anxious about an upcoming project, and a little achy as if a cold were coming. The result was glorious: a nice, long-lasting tonic that was pleasant but didn't zonk me out. In fact, I didn't even feel necessarily stoned. I just felt a little better in the body and the brain."
Patient testimony: "I love the fuck out of deviled eggs AND authorized medical marijuana, and finding the latter inside the former was a scream-inducing gift from God. The taste of the medicated eggs (a less-than-appetizing phrase, I'm sorry) was perfectly good—not the best deviled egg I've ever eaten, but certainly not some lame pot-laced facsimile of a beloved food I pretend to like because I want to get high. As for its effects, it's hard to say, as I ate the egg at a party prominently featuring a forever-loaded bong, so it's hard to know what did what. But I had a great time."