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Editorial

WHAT IN THE DAD-BLAMED TARNATION is all this "Moniker Loowhiskey" hully-balloo? It's damn near all ah hears tell about nowadays! If it ain't Moniker Loowhiskey's fancy cee-gars, it's Moniker Loowhiskey's sticky Sundy go-to-meetin' dress!

Now, ah don't got no hi-falutin telly-vision pikcher set, so ah din't git to see no Barber Walter inner-view. But ah DID see that thar Moniker Loowhiskey in the newspepper, and folks, she looked lahk she had a daid polecat stuck to her pumpkin-haid! Now ah ain't sayin' she's uguly or nuttin'--she got a raht purty mouth, and it's still filled up with teeth! But let me tell YOU, that hair-doo done scare me near to death, and makes me reckallect the Witch of Parson's Holler! She killed mah Uncle Billy Billy Joe Joe with her sweet purfumes and evil eye--AND she poysined the water in the oaken bucket! So if ah caught Moniker Loowhiskey on my propitty with that hex-ed hair-doo? Why, ah'd fill her rump with buckshot afore she got a chance to spook the livestock! YEEE-HAW!!

Now ah may just be simple hillfolk, and the closest ah've come to expressin' mah carnal dee-sires is stickin' mah Johnson in a wood-knot, but if ah wuz the Prezzydint ah wouldn't be swappin' no jaw-spit with a womin whose haid looks lahk it got stuck in a buckit o' fatback! Naw, ah'd picks me out a womin jest like mah Cousin Jezzy Joo-Belle! Her haid smell sweeter than a sorghum-mash sammich! Ah loves yew, Cousin Jezzy Joo-Belle! AH SAID AH LOOOVES YEWWW! And that thar's my-a 'pinyin.

The opinions of Hillbilly Bob Billy Billy do not necessarily reflect the views of The Stranger or its subsidiaries.

Previously in New Column!

Wow, what a week! What's up with this weather, anyway? So, I had lunch the other day at the Cadillac Grill-- great BLT, you should really try one sometime-- and there was this guy sitting behind me talking REALLY LOUD on his cell phone. I hate that! You know? I mean, do these people really think we want to hear about the minutiae of their boring lives? Geez! Anyway, after that I was free for the rest of the afternoon, so I walked down the hill to Videoland-- you know, just to see if there's anything new. Normally I go to Hollywood Video, or sometimes Blockbuster, but I don't know... for some reason that place gives me the willies. Anyway! I'm walking around Videoland, and I notice that they have almost the entire collection of The Avengers on tape. And I said, "Wow, now there's a show I haven't seen in a while." So I checked out a few volumes, and you know what? I really enjoyed them. They were just really surreal, and cool, and... the ones with Diana Rigg were (of course!) my favorites, but I liked Honor Blackman a lot, too. Wasn't she "Pussy Galore" or something in some James Bond movie? Ha! I can't remember. That's a pretty funny name, though! You gotta admit it. So, if you want, check out those videos. They're pretty cool.

See you next week!

Chairman Mao

From the Mar 4 - Mar 10, 1999 issue

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From the Feb 25 - Mar 3, 1999 issue

What in TARNATION have them Yankee polecat politishuns gone 'n' done with mah Prezzydint George Warshington's birfday?? It was bad enuff when them dad-blamed revenooers busted up mah perfeckly good still, but now I'll be hornswaggled if I'm gonna let them guv'mint varmints ignore the birfday of Prezzydint George Warshington. Now, I don't give two hoots or a holler whether we have a "Prezzydint's Day" or not, but ah will NOT allow scoundrels like that no-account Taft, Coolidge, and 'speshly that Millard Fillmore, lumped in with the Foundin' Pappy of our Country! Prezzydint George Warshington had wood teeth, he chopped down the cherry tree, and he ain't never did tell no lie since. And you better best believe that ain't been the case with them "big-city" Prezzydints! How DARE those guv'mint burrycrats besmirch the fine name of Prezzydint George Warshington?? THIS AIN'T GOIN' TO STAND! Now, ah may be just a backwoods hillbilly with a hayseed stickin' out of mah jaw, and a pig stuck to mah privates, but I'm 'MERICAN! And this comin' Mondy, ah invite all mah feller 'Mericans to cel'brate Prezzydint George Warshington's birfday by high-tailin' it outta work, gettin' drunk on jug likker, and shootin' yer squirrel rifle into the heinie of any dad-blasted guv'mint man that steps foot on yer propitty! YEEEE-HAW! I loves me some Prezzydint George Warshington!!

The opinions of Hillbilly Bob Billy Billy do not necessarily reflect the views of The Stranger or its subsidiaries.