Humans, be warned: UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU BE TRICKED INTO SEEING ELEKTRA LUXX. Elektra Luxx has a remarkable cast (Joseph Gordon-Levitt! Timothy Olyphant! That chick from Friday Night Lights! Julianne Fucking Moore!) and an aggressive, brightly colored advertising campaign. Elektra Luxx has a mildly titillating premise (pregnant porn star trying to turn her life around!) and Julianne Fucking Moore. But DO NOT BE TANTALIZED. Elektra Luxx is one of the most inept, self-indulgent, boring, insulting, artistically bankrupt pieces of rancid turd pie that I have ever seen. Think about what my job is and then think about what that sentence means. Elektra Luxx is a weird, wordy, crippled excuse for director Sebastian Gutierrez to trick famous actresses (Carla Gugino, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Malin Akerman) into taking their shirts off and jiggling their boobs. All the parts that don’t involve boobs are amateurish attempts at Juno-style patter. The sum total is a black hole of blinding pain. The menu at my local teriyaki place has a more compelling plot than Elektra Luxx. A KFC Famous Bowls commercial has better cinematography than Elektra Luxx. If, in the middle of Elektra Luxx, Martin Lawrence had shown up in his Big Momma’s House fat suit, riding a Segway and wearing a thong and doing a Borat impression, I would have wept from joy. If you like this movie, you are terrible.