You've seen the viral video of the zoo lion, golden and impatient in its enclosure, trying to eat a toddler girl through the observation glass, right? I was at the zoo and watched it happening.

Three million online people think it's the cutest thing ever. And the toddler's mother, as she filmed the scene, laughed and laughed.

I didn't think it was funny. I kept thinking, Shit, that lion truly wants to eat that kid's face. But, yeah, yeah, laugh at the big cat. Laugh at the apex predator trapped behind glass.

I hate zoos.

I was only there to court a woman and take her out after work. She made balloon animals part-time at the zoo, but I'd met her when she entertained my niece's birthday party.

Her giraffes were great, her elephants were passable, her tarantulas looked too much like tarantulas so nobody wanted them.

She made 50 bucks for each party she worked. The zoo paid her minimum wage plus commission. But who comes to the zoo for balloon animals? If you're going to buy something for a kid at the zoo, then you're going to get a stuffed animal.

So she was a beautiful woman with an eccentric skill who was financially unsustainable.

I liked her well enough to think about being in love with her. We'd been on two dates.

Later that afternoon, over coffee, halfway through our third date, she told me I had a great face but weighed 30 pounds too much.

"Get skinny," she said. "Like we could wear each other's jeans, and then maybe I'll have sex with you."

She said it like she was kidding, but I knew I'd never be thin enough for her.

I walked her home. We didn't talk much. It was a security building, so we said good-bye on the sidewalk.

She apologized for rejecting me.

"It's okay," I said.

I said, "Apologies offered and accepted are what make us human."

I said, "It's only those damn balloon animals that hold grudges."

She laughed and hurried into her building. Through the lobby window, I watched her step into the elevator and disappear behind the closing doors.

I wasn't angry. I was lonely. I was bored. And I half-remembered a place and time when I'd been young, and lean, and feared.

Nostalgic, I pressed my mouth against the glass and chewed.

If somebody had filmed me and posted it online, then I would have become that guy with the teeth. I would have become a star.