Republicans I Have Fucked

Fuck the Republican Party

How to Win the War They're Waging on Us

I get it: There are some hot Republicans out there. I've undressed a few of 'em with my own eyes. I've been to the Republican National Convention. Twice.

And, yes, there's nothing like a good hate/pity/mercy fuck now and then. But self-respecting queers should not be fucking card-carrying Republicans.

Oh, you can attempt to rationalize a same-sex encounter with a card-carrying member of the GOP any which way you want—"Someone has to fuck some sense into Aaron Schock..." —but unless you're taking one for the team, there's simply no excuse. (Taking one for the team = sticking it in/to a high-profile, anti-gay GOP closet case you intend to out.)

Remember when Mike Jones fucked Ted Haggard? That was taking one for the team—but only because he was smart enough to save Haggard's voice mails. When the men who fucked various Republican douchebags were interviewed in the documentary Outrage, they were taking one for the team—but only because they stepped forward to out the scumbags they'd fucked. When you fuck a hypocrite like Larry Craig in a men's restroom and keep your mouth shut, you're not taking one for the team. You're protecting a lying, cheating, aging piece of shit.

Here are a few things burning up the interwebs as I sit down to write this: In an interview with the New Yorker, "GOP presidential hopeful" and Fox News yakker Mike Huckabee cites the "the ick factor" as justification for a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage. (Ever been to Arkansas? If "ick" disqualifies people for marriage, well, they can stop issuing marriage licenses in Arkansas.) Bloggers are picking apart the Texas GOP platform, which calls for the arrest and prosecution of any public official who performs a gay wedding and calls for jailing sodomites. (One GOP elected official in Texas says that prison is too good for us—too much "fun" to be had—so he's advocating for the death penalty.) And GOP Bible-humpers are still crapping their pants about President Obama's Father's Day proclamation, which acknowledged gay dads along with straight dads and single dads. (Including—oooooh—gay dads who've admitted to having had a couple of three-ways.)

And that's on a single day. As the weeks, months, and next few years go by, we can count on the GOP to oppose employment protections for gays and lesbians, to block federal recognition of same-sex relationships, and—oh look, there's John McCain leading the opposition in the Senate to the repeal of "don't ask, don't tell." (That would be the same John McCain who condemned "agents of intolerance" on the right in 2000. Now he's taking his cut.) And every last name being floated for the party's nomination in 2012—Sarah Palin, Rick Santorum, Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney—aggressively opposes any manifestation of gay civil equality.

Yeah, yeah: The current president, a stand-up guy on so many other issues, clearly isn't willing to lead—or risk political capital—on gay issues. Dan Choi, an Arabic linguist who was discharged from the military a year ago after coming out on The Rachel Maddow Show, didn't chain himself to the White House fence in March (along with another outed military officer) and then again in April (along with five other veterans) because the pace of progress on our gay issues has been so dizzyingly swift. The Democrats are like an unreliable, sometimes maddening friend—but a friend who still manages to come through now and then.

The GOP, on the other hand, is an implacable mortal enemy. And we don't sleep with the enemy. But if someone does get a chance to fuck some sense into Aaron Schock, video that encounter, please.

H ere's how to really fuck the GOP: Keep coming out.

According to the results of a CBS News poll released earlier this month, 77 percent of all Americans now know someone who is gay or lesbian—up from 42 percent in 1992—while 84 percent of Americans under the age of 30 know someone who is gay or lesbian. And 60 percent of all Americans say they have a "close friend, work colleague, or relative" who is gay or lesbian.

It's not a coincidence that wide majorities of Americans now support allowing gays and lesbians to serve openly in the armed forces—including majorities of independents and conservatives. Two-thirds of Americans are in favor of granting gay and lesbian couples all the same rights and responsibilities of marriage, even if there isn't majority support for marriage equality. More than half of all Americans support workplace protections for gays and lesbians.

And the numbers are going to keep trending our way, so long as we keep coming out. So keep coming out, fucking around, dating and falling in love, marrying (if we're the marrying kind), and having a kid or two (if we're the parenting kind). We don't wait for Mike Huckabee to get over the "ick." (And, hey, parent or not, have a three-way or two—helps to keep that spark alive.)

The more of us who are out to friends and family, the smaller the electoral return on the GOP's gay-bashing investment. They are playing politics with our lives—angling for votes from an ever-dwindling number of hateful, terrified, increasingly elderly homophobic voters. We can help to marginalize the GOP politically, and thereby help to thwart not just their anti-gay agenda, but their anti-environment agenda, their anti-health-care agenda, their anti-choice agenda, their anti-green-energy agenda, their anti-middle-class agenda, their anti-worker agenda, their anti-immigrant agenda, and their anti-science agenda, just by being out.

If you are young and still figuring this shit out and are a little intimidated by the Republican point of view, afraid of the Jesus freaks, the haters, and the rednecks, and maybe even your family, come out of the closet anyway. 'Tis the season. If you are not so young and you're still in the closet, Jesus fucking Christ, what are you waiting for? Religious? That's actually a choice, you know, and you can choose a religion that embraces imaginary superfriends and gay love, too. Fuck sending a check to the Human Rights Campaign or marching in a Pride parade or hanging a rainbow wind sock on your porch: Coming out is the single most important thing you can do to advance the cause of gay civil equality. Period.

So get out there and be honest about who you are, where you are, and who you love. Because when you do that—"Hey, Grandma, there's something I need to tell you..."—you leave the extreme right with fewer and fewer suckers willing to buy the hate-spiked snake oil they're selling.

You wanna fuck the Republicans? Come out and keep coming out.

But don't fuck Republicans. They can go fuck themselves. recommended


Comments (23) RSS

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Bauhaus I 1
Somebody please tell me how come this man doesn't own a Pulitzer?
Posted by Bauhaus I on June 23, 2010 at 1:34 PM · Report this
kim in portland 2
Nicely done and well said.

And, if your an ally don't ever hold your tongue. Sure, there can be uncomfortable moments but bullies love to crow when their victims are out of ear shot and "friendly fire" takes the wind out of their sails. It makes them and their audience start to question.
Posted by kim in portland on June 23, 2010 at 7:49 PM · Report this
Good article Dan, except your ageism is showing through a bit. Last time I checked, you aren't getting any younger.
Posted by sford713 on June 24, 2010 at 8:52 AM · Report this
Actually, Dan, in addition to coming out, I think an active campaign to bone as many gay GOPers and expose them would have a similar effect on convincing people to come out, if not switch parties.
Posted by EugeneStraight on June 24, 2010 at 11:10 AM · Report this
givesgoodemail 5
Oh, hell yeah!

One more item to add:

Go to a Pride parade. Cheer your lungs out, and encourage your children to do the same.
Posted by givesgoodemail on June 24, 2010 at 8:59 PM · Report this
All this time I thought only Republicans had the authority to tell me who I can & can't fuck!
Posted by UnCommonSense on June 25, 2010 at 11:26 AM · Report this
You had me both in tears AND laughing.
Posted by fif on June 25, 2010 at 5:36 PM · Report this
I thought Dan wasn't fond of HRC.
Posted by clearlyhere on June 28, 2010 at 11:59 AM · Report this
What Dan says here is valid (in spite of the subtle rhetoric inserted by a few obvious trolls in the room). It's time, once and for all, to not take a back seat to what we're up against here. I would only add this: the movie STONEWALL UPRISING is now showing in independent film theaters around the country. If you weren't there, are too young, or don't remember the media coverage, go see this very important film--and take note of the fact that if the GOP (Gnarly Old Putzes) had their way, this country would revert back to those days in a heartbeat (or lack thereof). Then see the film FALL FROM GRACE, a documentary about the "Reverend" Fred Phelps & his Klan of mindless, hate-mongering zombies--and take note of the fact that if gay-hating Bible-thumpers like them had their way, they would take their religious clout and have it made into law. Yeah, we've come a hell of a long way since the sexual revolution of the late 60s...but that doesn't mean that the battle's over by a long shot. We still have a LONG way to go.
Posted by oliasdoug on June 28, 2010 at 3:59 PM · Report this
Chris in Vancouver WA 10
"Fuck sending a check to the Human Rights Campaign or marching in a Pride parade or hanging a rainbow wind sock on your porch: Coming out is the single most important thing you can do to advance the cause of gay civil equality. Period."


The beauty of coming out is that it ISN'T an angry, polarizing, in-your-face political statement, it's just a quiet, little, "Um, this is who I am." It's one-on-one, it's personal, it's directed towards those in our lives that we care about, and it's more powerful than the most loudly-shouted "We're here, we're queer, get used to it" could EVER be.

If you're a closeted gay man or lesbian, and you're reading this, and you haven't really given much thought to coming out, think about it. If you have been thinking about it, DO IT! To hell with doing it for the gay community, do it for selfish reasons, to free yourself and your spirit.

Free your mind, and your bubble-butt will follow.
Posted by Chris in Vancouver WA on June 29, 2010 at 9:02 AM · Report this
Awesome, awesome, awesome, as usual.
Posted by whatwouldruthdo on June 29, 2010 at 12:45 PM · Report this
I am an activist in Texas, and let me say, this is possibly the most sound piece of advice for our community here that I have heard to date. Let's get back to what works! Harvey Milk was able to lead the LGBT Community to win against prop 6 (Let's fire all the gay teachers) by running a campaign calling on people to come out! While many of us in the big cities are out and comfortable (thanks to so many of us being out) our rural areas (where the majority of Texans live) are still TERRIFYING closets.. we need to pry open those doors!
Posted by danquixote on June 29, 2010 at 1:21 PM · Report this
Canuck 13
@1 Agree. I was thinking the same thing, this is just so well written.

"Free your mind, and your bubble-butt will follow."
Just in case you were interested, scroll down for the best bubble-butts EVER:…
Posted by Canuck on June 29, 2010 at 1:37 PM · Report this
Dan Choi was discharged only recently. His case started over a years ago but the discharge was not final until a few weeks ago. They didn't even tell him about until the other day. Oh, he said it was an honorable discharge - small comfort.

Other than that, a decent rant. I'll give it a 87: good rhythm and easy to dance to.
Posted by weenie on July 22, 2010 at 11:42 AM · Report this
How hypocritical you sound, Dan. Look at you spewing all that self-righteous bullshit.

Posted by anonymous person on August 22, 2010 at 7:24 PM · Report this
If Dick cheney needs a heart transplant give him george bush's heart ,bush is brain dead anyway!
Posted by 1201 on January 5, 2011 at 11:14 AM · Report this
The best article ever! :) Dan deserves a nomination for greatest political Anti-GOP Anti-Republican writer ever and deserves a treat at the best restaurant in town greeted by a check from prize people of over $4 billion! :)
Posted by Kevypoo on February 24, 2011 at 2:20 PM · Report this
Fuck you @ anonymous person! :) Don't say that ish because it ain't cool! ;) Dan deserves high honors! :)
Posted by Kevypoo on February 24, 2011 at 2:23 PM · Report this
very cool. i'm not gay but to all my gay friends: please fuck some sense into these republicans. I fuck republican chicks and their on average much more masochistic than other chicks. They want you to come in their eye etc. Screwed up people man.
Posted by dostoevsky on March 13, 2011 at 6:46 AM · Report this
Well said!! I'm all fired up now
Posted by Innspectre on February 12, 2012 at 4:21 PM · Report this
You had me at "Hello."
Posted by rob225 on February 16, 2012 at 9:01 AM · Report this
DaveMan50 22
But all this is why Dr. Ron Paul want's the Federal Government out of our bedrooms!
Vote DR.Ron or live with the consequences.
Posted by DaveMan50 on February 28, 2012 at 11:33 AM · Report this
Republicans are nothing but a bunch of piece of shit scum bags. I would rather have Bin L as a president over them incest scumbags. I have never had so much hate for anyone. Rush L , Grover fat pig Boner, Canter. I would love it if someone killed all of them. I would put a big banner outside my house and have a 5 keg party. And i would advertise it big time.
Posted by coolwilly on February 1, 2013 at 6:59 PM · Report this

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