Republicans I Have Fucked

Republicans I Have Fucked

The Nixon Supporter

The Trophy Wife

The Nazi

The Catholic Schoolgirl

The Military Men

The Tea Party Tranny

The Guy with a Condo in Bellevue

The Former Governor of Alaska

The Pastor from Renton

I Have Never Fucked a Republican

The Republican Hypocrites Hall of Fame

The Homosexual Agenda

I get it: There are some hot Republicans out there. I've undressed a few of 'em with my own eyes. I've been to the Republican National Convention. Twice.

And, yes, there's nothing like a good hate/pity/mercy fuck now and then. But self-respecting queers should not be fucking card-carrying Republicans.

Oh, you can attempt to rationalize a same-sex encounter with a card-carrying member of the GOP any which way you want—"Someone has to fuck some sense into Aaron Schock..." —but unless you're taking one for the team, there's simply no excuse. (Taking one for the team = sticking it in/to a high-profile, anti-gay GOP closet case you intend to out.)

Remember when Mike Jones fucked Ted Haggard? That was taking one for the team—but only because he was smart enough to save Haggard's voice mails. When the men who fucked various Republican douchebags were interviewed in the documentary Outrage, they were taking one for the team—but only because they stepped forward to out the scumbags they'd fucked. When you fuck a hypocrite like Larry Craig in a men's restroom and keep your mouth shut, you're not taking one for the team. You're protecting a lying, cheating, aging piece of shit.

Here are a few things burning up the interwebs as I sit down to write this: In an interview with the New Yorker, "GOP presidential hopeful" and Fox News yakker Mike Huckabee cites the "the ick factor" as justification for a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage. (Ever been to Arkansas? If "ick" disqualifies people for marriage, well, they can stop issuing marriage licenses in Arkansas.) Bloggers are picking apart the Texas GOP platform, which calls for the arrest and prosecution of any public official who performs a gay wedding and calls for jailing sodomites. (One GOP elected official in Texas says that prison is too good for us—too much "fun" to be had—so he's advocating for the death penalty.) And GOP Bible-humpers are still crapping their pants about President Obama's Father's Day proclamation, which acknowledged gay dads along with straight dads and single dads. (Including—oooooh—gay dads who've admitted to having had a couple of three-ways.)

And that's on a single day. As the weeks, months, and next few years go by, we can count on the GOP to oppose employment protections for gays and lesbians, to block federal recognition of same-sex relationships, and—oh look, there's John McCain leading the opposition in the Senate to the repeal of "don't ask, don't tell." (That would be the same John McCain who condemned "agents of intolerance" on the right in 2000. Now he's taking his cut.) And every last name being floated for the party's nomination in 2012—Sarah Palin, Rick Santorum, Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney—aggressively opposes any manifestation of gay civil equality.

Yeah, yeah: The current president, a stand-up guy on so many other issues, clearly isn't willing to lead—or risk political capital—on gay issues. Dan Choi, an Arabic linguist who was discharged from the military a year ago after coming out on The Rachel Maddow Show, didn't chain himself to the White House fence in March (along with another outed military officer) and then again in April (along with five other veterans) because the pace of progress on our gay issues has been so dizzyingly swift. The Democrats are like an unreliable, sometimes maddening friend—but a friend who still manages to come through now and then.

The GOP, on the other hand, is an implacable mortal enemy. And we don't sleep with the enemy. But if someone does get a chance to fuck some sense into Aaron Schock, video that encounter, please.

H ere's how to really fuck the GOP: Keep coming out.

According to the results of a CBS News poll released earlier this month, 77 percent of all Americans now know someone who is gay or lesbian—up from 42 percent in 1992—while 84 percent of Americans under the age of 30 know someone who is gay or lesbian. And 60 percent of all Americans say they have a "close friend, work colleague, or relative" who is gay or lesbian.

It's not a coincidence that wide majorities of Americans now support allowing gays and lesbians to serve openly in the armed forces—including majorities of independents and conservatives. Two-thirds of Americans are in favor of granting gay and lesbian couples all the same rights and responsibilities of marriage, even if there isn't majority support for marriage equality. More than half of all Americans support workplace protections for gays and lesbians.

And the numbers are going to keep trending our way, so long as we keep coming out. So keep coming out, fucking around, dating and falling in love, marrying (if we're the marrying kind), and having a kid or two (if we're the parenting kind). We don't wait for Mike Huckabee to get over the "ick." (And, hey, parent or not, have a three-way or two—helps to keep that spark alive.)

The more of us who are out to friends and family, the smaller the electoral return on the GOP's gay-bashing investment. They are playing politics with our lives—angling for votes from an ever-dwindling number of hateful, terrified, increasingly elderly homophobic voters. We can help to marginalize the GOP politically, and thereby help to thwart not just their anti-gay agenda, but their anti-environment agenda, their anti-health-care agenda, their anti-choice agenda, their anti-green-energy agenda, their anti-middle-class agenda, their anti-worker agenda, their anti-immigrant agenda, and their anti-science agenda, just by being out.

If you are young and still figuring this shit out and are a little intimidated by the Republican point of view, afraid of the Jesus freaks, the haters, and the rednecks, and maybe even your family, come out of the closet anyway. 'Tis the season. If you are not so young and you're still in the closet, Jesus fucking Christ, what are you waiting for? Religious? That's actually a choice, you know, and you can choose a religion that embraces imaginary superfriends and gay love, too. Fuck sending a check to the Human Rights Campaign or marching in a Pride parade or hanging a rainbow wind sock on your porch: Coming out is the single most important thing you can do to advance the cause of gay civil equality. Period.

So get out there and be honest about who you are, where you are, and who you love. Because when you do that—"Hey, Grandma, there's something I need to tell you..."—you leave the extreme right with fewer and fewer suckers willing to buy the hate-spiked snake oil they're selling.

You wanna fuck the Republicans? Come out and keep coming out.

But don't fuck Republicans. They can go fuck themselves. recommended