From the Nov 25 – Dec 1, 1999 issue

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Gifts for Our Non-Christian Friends

Despite popular belief, Christmas is not the only holiday celebrated during the Christmas season. Hanukkah, Kwanzaa -- and this year, Ramadan -- all fall within the month of December, and those who dwell outside the loving light of Jesus are just as deserving of fabulous gifts as their morally superior Christian neighbors. Here are some handy suggestions for the exotically hell-bound on your Christmas list.

KWANZAA

To characterize observers of Kwanzaa as non-Christians is, of course, just plain wrong. A majority of Kwanzaa-ers are wholeheartedly Christian, and celebrate the seven days of Kwanzaa in addition to celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Kwanzaa is a unique African American celebration focusing on the seven traditional African values: umoja (unity), kujichagulia (self-determination), ujima (collective work and responsibility), ujamaa (cooperative economics), nia (purpose), kuumba (creativity), and imani (faith). And as anyone who's ever been to a rave is aware, nothing inspires gigantic waves of unity, self-confidence, cooperation, generosity, creativity, and faith better than the synthetic drug Ecstasy.

Give the gift of Kwanzaa -- in easy-to-swallow pill form. (Color the tablets red, black, and green to match the African flag, for extra Kwanzaa effect.)

Ecstasy, $20-$30 a dose. Available on the street, at warehouse rave parties, or from the personal stash of newly elected City Councilwoman Heidi Wills. Call 985-9898.

HANUKKAH

Judaism is a religion steeped to the gills in tradition, culture, and beauty. So how'd Jews end up with such sucky holiday songs? That "dreidel, dreidel, dreidel" song? It sounds like a sea chant written by a hypoglycemic eight-year-old. And all those other lame Hanukkah numbers like -- uh... well, there's that Adam Sandler ditty, which makes the dreidel song seem like "Bohemian Rhapsody" in comparison.

So this holiday season, give your favorite Jews what they need the most: Decent holiday songs. Here's a handy example -- feel free to compose your own!

Hanukkah song #1:
(to the tune of "O Little Town of Bethlehem")

O victory of Maccabees who whupped Assyrian ass
We're here to honor Hanukkah, not some dumb Catholic mass
Historically despis-ed and often put to death
The Jewish folk have persevered
And Hanukkah is best!

Original Hanukkah song compositions: free.

RAMADAN

One of the key events in the Islamic religion, Ramadan is a holy month-long festival entailing a variety of compulsory activities for Muslims. The most well-known component of Ramadan is the fast: From sunrise to sunset, adults go without food in order to boost awareness of God, develop compassion for the poor, and confront their own mortality. But come on -- no food during daylight for an entire month? That kind of religious self-torture went out with the hair shirt! So this Ramadan, give your Muslim friends what they really want: Food. Specifically, yummy goodies from the store whose name is synonymous with holiday good cheer: Hickory Farms.

Hickory Farms Christmas Melody/Ramadan Hung'r Bust'r Basket: $24.99. Features: 7 oz. Beef Stick Summer Sausage, 4 oz. Chedam Cheese, 2 oz. each Smooth 'N' Sharp and Hot Pepper Cheese, 3 oz. Sweet-Hot Mustard, 1 oz. slice of Fruitcake, 2 oz. Holiday Crackers, Strawberry Bon Bons, and a decorative Nutcracker ornament. Available at Hickory Farms at your local mall, or online at HickoryFarms.com.

PAGANS

As everybody knows, the golden rule of gift-giving is "Give folks something they need, but would never buy for themselves." This tenet is particularly handy when shopping for Pagans. As anyone who has ever spent time around the solstice-observing, Peruvian drawstring pants-wearing crowd knows, there's one item that Pagans perennially neglect to purchase for themselves: soap. A gaggle of Pagans smells worse than a bunch of Freedom Socialists in a musty cellar, so this solstice, give your favorite Pagans what their bodies crave the most: the gift of cleanliness.

Pagan Cleanliness Gift Pack: Make-it-yourself at your local supermarket. Include: Ban Roll-On Antiperspirant & Deodorant: $3.39; Irish Spring Original Deodorant Bar Soap: $2.49; and Shower-to-Shower Morning Fresh Absorbent Powder: $3.09.