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Goin' Gay with Dr. Dre

YO. For the fledgling homosexual, no activity is more important or challenging than the psycho-social ritual known as "coming out." Revealing same-sex desire to friends and family requires bravery, self-possession, and preparation, but even the most prepared homosexuals should be braced for some surprises. The friend you've regarded as the most liberal may turn out to be the one most freaked out by your homosexuality. Others may accept it intellectually, but will become uneasy when confronted with tangible evidence of your gay life, such as a valentine from your homosexual lover, or surveillance-camera footage of you sucking dicks in the Arby's men's room.

For example, when I chose to disclose my homosexual tendencies to my friend, protégé, and honky homeboy Eminem, he immediately puked, then threatened to beat me to death with my own severed arms. However, slowly but surely, Em came to see that I'm the same Dre he's always known, and next month he'll be performing "Evergreen" at my commitment ceremony with Nathan Lane.

So follow my lead. Take the leap. Closets are for clothes. Word.

Next week: Wax Your Back with Fleetwood Mac!

Previously in New Column!

This week, The New York Times reported on the movement to "detoxify" the swastika, the ancient symbol of well-being and good fortune that was unfortunately co-opted by the murderous Nazi party. Now we ask you: Should the swastika be rehabilitated beyond the sins of the Nazis? Ja or nein?

Ja!

Before being adopted as the Nazi party's most potent icon of racial hatred, the swastika lived a noble life as an internationally recognized good luck symbol, adorning everything from Navajo blankets to Boy Scout badges. To forever banish the swastika because of its connection to the Holocaust is no different than forever banning the music of Limp Bizkit because of its connection to date rape. Set the swastika free!

Nein!

Thanks to the atrocities of the Nazis, the once-benign swastika is forever tainted, and should be placed on the shelf of regrettable history right next to Sambo's Restaurants and Ayds Diet Candy.

Cast your vote by calling 323-7101 ext. 3099, after 5:30 pm.

From the Aug 3 - Aug 9, 2000 issue

When Republican presidential hopeful George W. Bush selected former Defense Secretary Dick Cheney as his running mate, his message was clear: "I want an elderly hawk conservative with a heart condition to be MY vice president!!" But Bush's goofy flub could easily be Al Gore's greatest boost. In the wake of the Cheney choice, Gore is poised to distinguish himself with an equally audacious selection--and Democratic Party strategists are urging Gore to be the first Democratic presidential candidate since Walter Mondale to choose a woman as his running mate. The Stranger couldn't agree more! Here are our suggestions for Gore/Woman tickets that cannot fail.

1. Gore/Winfrey

Judging from the success of her talk show, book club, diet guides, national magazine, and television network, one can safely assume that a majority of Americans would be completely content to have entertainment magnate Oprah Winfrey control every single aspect of their lives. In selecting Winfrey as his running mate, Gore would display a canny knowledge of his constituents' deep desires, and would create a ballot that simply--even if Gore was caught snorting coke out of Oprah's butt crack--could not fail.

2. Gore/Nicastro

Sure, she's a bit of a novice--but maverick Seattle City Council Member Judy Nicastro already displays all of the traits Americans require from a female politican: She's smart, sexy, ballsy, and funny; and if she's not a lesbian, she at least has the political savvy to look like one! In selecting Judy Nicastro as his running mate, Gore would show his faith in the future, and his willingness to gamble on an unknown but entirely worthy upstart.

3. Gore/Child

In selecting best-selling pop group Destiny's Child as his running mate, Gore would place himself in firm opposition to boring old Bush and his geriatric-pleasing choice of Dick Cheney, and align himself with the as-yet-untapped Total Request Live voting block. Plus, with their hard-edged approach to capital gains and corporate welfare, the Gore/Child administration will certainly provide middle-to-low income tax breaks to help pay those "Bills, Bills, Bills"!

From the Jul 27 - Aug 2, 2000 issue

In the premiere and definitive installment of our internationally acclaimed new column OUI or NON, Stranger readers officially condemned the fashion faux pas of CAPRI PANTS FOR MEN, offering a passionant 287 votes NON! to a maladroit 165 votes OUI!

Following the phenomenal success of PRO or CON, YEA or NAY, and OUI or NON, we've grown tired of slumming in the court of public opinion. So this week we offer a fabulous NEW COLUMN!

MIX 'N' MATCH!

This week, the Stranger column Last Days (see left) focused on a series of instructional social service videotapes which Last Days author David Schmader found in an abandoned sack on the street. Now we want to share the wealth. Simply match the celebrity on the right with the most suitable instructional video on the left. The first person to send in a correct contest form wins the entire bag of videotapes!

1. The Savage Cycle: A Video on Domestic Violence

2. Childhood Lost: A Video about Child Abuse

3. Keisha's Choice: A Video about Pregnancy and Drug Abuse

4. Speaking for Ourselves: Portraits of Gay and Lesbian Youths

Send your completed contest forms (along with your name and address) to Mix 'n' Match, c/o The Stranger, 1535 11th Ave., Third Floor, Seattle, WA, 98122. Good luck!