Search

Grab Bag

EXTREME Bridge!!

Opening Lead -- Two of Diamonds.

So, dude! First of all, like North totally overestimated his hand, because when South exploded with one spade, North was all, "Fuck, YEAH!" about his high-card strength, and hammered down his diamonds before catapulting five spades over three hearts. Of course, South is all, "Dude, like this is so SICK!" and cuebids his ace of clubs to get the grand slam.

Now, the slam should've totally gone down one, since the other dudes were holding two cashing aces. But see, West went braindead about East's decision to hang his ass out regarding North-South's potential slam.

So, East leads with the deuce of diamonds, and everybody is like, "SPROINNNNG! DUDE! WHOA!" Because, see, West was jonesing to dummy with the K-J and East with the queen, so the declarer would be all, "Dude, I'm so glomming that jack from the dummy!" But to underlead an ace against a slam at that point? Dude, that's like huffing glue from a gas can! So South was all, "that diamond lead with the queen is so mine," cashed the ace of clubs (discarding the king of diamonds from dummy), and then fucking blew off a trump to East's ace to make the slam right IN THEIR FACE!!! Fuck YEAH, dude! Radical!! EXTREME!!!

Previously in New Column!

Dear Stranger:

What's my gripe? My gripe is how lame your "What's My Gripe by Michael Stipe" column is. It was marginally funny when you did it two years ago. Now it's just painfully stupid. Can't you guys come up with anything new? If you find it a laugh riot to use my name and photo, then by all means, be my guest. But it just seems like it's a big waste of paper. There are major things going on in this world and in Seattle, and you have a big readership of young people with a lot of energy, so why don't you do something positive instead of trying so hard to be "funny?" Oh yeah, I almost forgot: I call bullshit on that.

Sincerely,

Michael Stipe

Note from the Editors: After Michael's amazing performance at Bumbershoot last weekend, Mr. Stipe found himself a bit under the weather, and was unfortunately too ill to write this week's What's My Gripe? by Michael Stipe. So instead we decided to print the above submission from an obvious fraud. The real Michael Stipe regrets that there are sick people in this world who would sink to such levels as to besmirch his good name.

Though we are sadly discontinuing Mr. Stipe's column, we hope you'll join us next week in this space, where we'll be introducing our exciting new column, Paying Those Bills with Mike Mills.

WHAT'S MY GRIPE? | The Third and Final Installment of the Insanely Popular...

From the Sep 9 - Sep 15, 1999 issue

Thanks in part to his upcoming performance this weekend at Bumbershoot, Michael Stipe, former Stranger columnist and lead singer for R.E.M., has agreed to write a few more installments of the column that has more readers than Savage Love and Dave Barry combined: the utterly sublime What's My Gripe? by Michael Stipe. [Advertisers please note: This is a limited series, and due to overwhelming response, advertising space surrounding What's My Gripe? by Michael Stipe will be sold using the lottery system. Call our Sales Dept. for details.] -- eds.

The Internet is the new plantation. Just look how rich Bill Gates is, compared to the people who work for him. It's like they're working for nothing; in other words, SLAVERY. Okay, forget those people; let's choose an example even closer to home -- ME. Let's say I go to CDNow.com where I have to buy my own fucking CD. I log in, give them my credit card... and what happens? I end up paying for the thing I made with my own sweat and blood! What's up with that? See, it IS the new plantation. But instead of "chains" we have "modems," and instead of "overseers" we have "Net browsers." And check this out! I have a friend who is a woman and she writes reviews for Amazon.com... and she only gets paid somewhere around 25 cents a word! That company is worth billions!! And this woman is only getting paid pennies to review the books of the authors who write the books who in turn have to pay for them?? WHO gets all the money? The plantation owners do, that's who! AND I CALL BULLSHIT ON THAT!

-- Michael Stipe

From the Sep 2 - Sep 8, 1999 issue

In order to promote his upcoming performance at Bumbershoot, Michael Stipe, of the revered rock 'n' roll group R.E.M., has graciously agreed to put any animosity toward our paper aside and return to writing his former and very popular Stranger column, What's My Gripe? by Michael Stipe. We appreciate his generosity and heartily welcome back Mr. Stipe to the Stranger family. -- eds.

Okay, so I finally got my own box at Safeco Field? And it SUCKS! First of all, I like to bring a picnic basket to the game, right? And EVERY SINGLE TIME they have to search through it at the gate! Hey, I'm Michael Stipe -- okay guys? I'm not carrying a gun! Second, what do I have to do to get a little privacy? The whole reason I bought a box is so I could watch the game in peace, but the wet bar caddy (or whatever you call those guys) is constantly asking me if I want anything! It's really annoying! All I'm asking is for 15 minutes... just 15 minutes without somebody wondering if I want another Tanqueray and juice! Third, even though I'm Michael Stipe, the box they gave me has absolutely ridiculous sight lines. It's right off third base, which means (a) there's no way in hell a foul ball's gonna make it up to me, and (b) I have to stare at Russ Davis' ass the entire time! When are they gonna drop this jerk? His average is only .259, and he makes more errors than a dog performing calculus! Safeco Field's got all that money, and they can't do anything about the annoying staff, the sight lines, and Russ Davis? I CALL BULLSHIT ON THAT!

-- Michael Stipe