Previously in New Column!

Hey Aquaman,

You fucking suck. Do you really think that "communicating with fishes" is helpful to anyone on dry land? It's not. Bending steel and rescuing girls who fall off buildings is helpful. Maybe if I ever need help cleaning the shit out of my swimming pool drain, I'll call you.

Tom O'Brian

Dear Tom,

I'll admit communicating with sea life isn't the most glamorous of powers, but isn't it more important to use the skills you have for the common good? And speaking of helping others, I would really like it if people focused on sending me their problems rather than obsessing on my status as a superhero.

Dear Aquaman,

I read somewhere you have a sidekick named "Aqualad." Are you gay, or what?

Samantha Hart

Samantha,

What? No, I'm not gay! Aqualad is my ward -- actually he's an exiled prince, whom I've taken into my care -- but what is it anyway with people accusing heroes and their sidekicks of being gay? Can't a man and a boy fight crime together without everyone jumping to conclusions? Aqualad is my "chum," just like Tonto is to the Lone Ranger or Superboy is to Superman. And nobody ever accuses them of being gay! Now, can we please just drop it?

Do YOU need advice from Aquaman? Send your question to "Ask Aquaman," c/o The Stranger, 1535 11th Ave., 3rd Floor, Seattle, WA, 98122 or e-mail us at aquaman@thestranger.com.

NAME YOUR COUNTY!

To the Voters of King County: As you may know, your King County Council is currently at odds on whether our county should be named after William Rufus DeVane King (former gay vice-president slave owner) or Martin Luther King, Jr. (former civil rights activist and heterosexual philanderer). However, since we are a country of choices, we have compiled a list of additional candidates, and would like you to choose which "King" would best represent our county. Send your vote to King County Council, c/o Councilman Larry Gossett, 516 3rd Ave., King County Courthouse, Rm. 1200, Seattle, 98104. And remember -- no matter who we choose, YOU put the "King" in our county.

POTENTIAL CANDIDATES

Burger King County

Billie Jean King County

King Kong County

Kingston Trio County

King Crimson County

Nat "King" Cole County

Don King County

King's Table County

"The King and I" County

King of Pain County

King Friday the XIII County

September 23, 1999

To the staff and readers of The Stranger newspaper weekly:

As Mayor of the City of Seattle, I am pleased to send my best wishes for your 9th anniversary of publication, and for what will surely be a tremendous year to come for The Stranger newspaper weekly.

Seattle is fortunate to be the home of what I believe is one of the most influential newspaper weeklies in the world. Those who read it are able to choose from a vast array of entertaining and knowledgeable columnists: for example, the astrological predictions of Rob Brezsny's Real Astrology, the whimsical take on the world of television with Wm. Steven Humphrey's I Love Television, and the often controversial but always entertaining sex advice of Cherry Pop.

Though the biased and unsubstantiated news articles in The Stranger newspaper weekly are often poorly researched and wrong-headed, overall, I am very pleased with their coverage (and in particular, their decision to endorse me in the 1997 election).

The Stranger newspaper weekly is a unique opportunity to celebrate the diversity and spirited growth of our city (which includes, but is not limited to, the gays). As a showcase for different perspectives -- cultural and historical enlightenment, and oftentimes, outright fun -- The Stranger newspaper weekly brings us together like few other things that claim to bring us together, but in actuality, don't.

Again, on behalf of the people of Seattle, congratulations to everyone who has worked so diligently to make this year's 9th anniversary of The Stranger newspaper weekly such an eagerly anticipated celebration, and continued best wishes for a bright future. You guys really "rock."

Very truly yours,

Paul Schell