Previously in New Column!

What in TARNATION have them Yankee polecat politishuns gone 'n' done with mah Prezzydint George Warshington's birfday?? It was bad enuff when them dad-blamed revenooers busted up mah perfeckly good still, but now I'll be hornswaggled if I'm gonna let them guv'mint varmints ignore the birfday of Prezzydint George Warshington. Now, I don't give two hoots or a holler whether we have a "Prezzydint's Day" or not, but ah will NOT allow scoundrels like that no-account Taft, Coolidge, and 'speshly that Millard Fillmore, lumped in with the Foundin' Pappy of our Country! Prezzydint George Warshington had wood teeth, he chopped down the cherry tree, and he ain't never did tell no lie since. And you better best believe that ain't been the case with them "big-city" Prezzydints! How DARE those guv'mint burrycrats besmirch the fine name of Prezzydint George Warshington?? THIS AIN'T GOIN' TO STAND! Now, ah may be just a backwoods hillbilly with a hayseed stickin' out of mah jaw, and a pig stuck to mah privates, but I'm 'MERICAN! And this comin' Mondy, ah invite all mah feller 'Mericans to cel'brate Prezzydint George Warshington's birfday by high-tailin' it outta work, gettin' drunk on jug likker, and shootin' yer squirrel rifle into the heinie of any dad-blasted guv'mint man that steps foot on yer propitty! YEEEE-HAW! I loves me some Prezzydint George Warshington!!

The opinions of Hillbilly Bob Billy Billy do not necessarily reflect the views of The Stranger or its subsidiaries.