Every week we work our guts out to bring you thrilling, one-of-a-kind columns, such as the brilliant "Stupid, Stupid Baby," the incisive "Stupid, Stupid Kitten," and the fearless "Stupid, Stupid Crouton." What do we get in return? Nothing but whiny letters from ignorant jerks! You think it's easy to come up with a new column every week? It's difficult! Just look at Seattle Weekly, where every attempt at a "sassy new column" is so depressing that local suicide rates shoot up like it's Sylvia Plath's birthday. Not that we're in any better shape over here. Wm. Steven Humphrey (the only person with a soul ever to work at The Stranger) is ditching us to become an ass model/monkey trainer in Portland; Dan Savage is too busy slobbering on doorknobs and lunching with Mork to do shit; and Jennifer Vogel, when she's not throwing hammers or puking up half-digested shots of Jägermeister, is occupied with the only task ever required of any Stranger editor -- giving lap dances. So fuck you guys. We give up. Think you can do better? Just try it. If any one of you can come up with a column worth a rat's ass, we'll run it right here and pay you $25. Good fucking luck.

Send your column (200 words or less) along with pertinent contact information to: New Column! c/o The Stranger, 1535 11th Ave., Third Floor, Seattle, WA 98122.