Green Lantern: Like a Clump of Poo-Covered Hair Floating Through Space
Okay, so we start in space. A sort of rotten-apple-head guy encased in green Jell-O barfs fire on some space lizards and then they die. It turns out that this guy is a sort of flying octopus made of poo-dreads who is also on fire. Let’s call him Space-Voldemort. Now he is running around eating planets and shit. Not good!
Meanwhile, on earth: plane chase!!! It’s Ryan Reynolds (aka Marlon Bland-o) vs. Blake Lively (aka dean of students at Bland-eis University) vs. a couple of robot planes. Ryan Reynolds wins the plane chase because he doesn’t play by the rules and his only weakness is thinking about his dead dad. Remember that for laaaaaater!!!
So then, when a purple guy with no skin gets zapped by Space-Voldemort and falls to earth, of COURSE he chooses Ryan Reynolds to take over his job as space sheriff! Because Ryan Reynolds doesn’t play by the rules! He gives Ryan Reynolds his magic ring and tells him his new name is Green Lantern. Ryan Reynolds is pleased. Then he flies through space to the Green Lantern Convention where everyone is a dick to him. Now he is not so sure about this whole Green Lantern thing.
Over at “SCIENCE BUILDING,” Peter Sarsgaard is a nerd. Luckily, the government hires him to pick apart that purple no-skin guy and tell them about it! Dreeeeam jooooob!!! During the picking-apart part, some residual poo from poo-dread Space-Voldemort gets on Peter Sarsgaard’s finger, turning him evil. Oops! Now Peter Sarsgaard has to ride on a sinister Hover-Round of Terror and his head grows into a mask of Eric Stoltz from Mask. Weirdly, no one says anything.
Peter Sarsgaard decides to kill his dad by crashing a helicopter using his giant Eric Stoltz brain. Good thing Ryan Reynolds was also there to see Peter Sarsgaard’s dad ride that helicopter! Ryan Reynolds makes green stuff shoot out of his magic ring, which turns the helicopter into a car and then—instead of just turning it into a car with brakes, because that’s what someone who plays by the RULES would do—he makes the helicopter-car drive around really fast on a big looping race-car track, endangering many lives. Eventually, the helicopter-car crashes gently into a building and no one dies. Ryan Reynolds is a hero!
At this point, still nobody has screamed, “JESUS CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR FUCKING HEAD!?” at Peter Sarsgaard, which lets all of us know that we are deep inside a fantasy world here, because his head is fucking gross. Peter Sarsgaard and Ryan Reynolds face off inside a plane building. Then poo-dreads shows up. Ryan Reynolds kills him by not playing by the rules and by not thinking about his dead dad anymore (remember!?!?). Blake Lively continues to exist. Please please please please please please do not make a sequel.