JOSEPH SMITH Doesn't want Jimmer Fredette fucking anyone. DAVID BECKHAM Fucked us.
They Can’t Fuck But They Can Shoot

Smoking a bowl while watching Brigham Young dominate March Madness is disorienting. As ardent Latter-day Saints, BYU are hell-bent (wordplay!) on proving championship-caliber basketball comes from abstaining from sex and drugs. After the school kicked the team's leading rebounder, Brandon Davies, off the team for having sex with his own girlfriend, the team then proceeded to go on a wild tear through the first weekend of March Madness, capped by a drubbing of a very athletic Gonzaga team. Brigham Young's leader, the unfortunately-yet-somehow-perfectly-named Jimmer Fredette, looks like an altar boy. A short one. Yet his size and haircut belie a crossover that is less forgiving than the Old Testament and an unreal range on his shot.

Fredette made seven three-point shots against Gonzaga on his way to a 34-point night. As BYU began to pull away, Fredette pulled up a few feet behind the three-point line and launched a shot, as if that were a normal thing to do. Then he did it again and again and again. He would have looked insane, except he kept making them. I put in some Visine just to make sure my eyes weren't playing tricks on me.

Meanwhile, have you been paying attention to Obama's bracket? He correctly predicted 29 of the first round's 32 games, despite three major upsets. He called Morehead State beating Louisville. All the basketball analysts got that wrong in their brackets. All the ESPN commentators got that wrong in their brackets. Morehead State's coach probably got that one wrong in his bracket. Which leads to a serious question: How much basketball is the president watching? Is he jumping between briefings on Libya and the Pitt-Butler game? Is he getting real-time updates on Duke-Michigan while Timothy Geithner drones on about credit default swaps? Is anyone clear about what our government's intel is being used for? I picture CIA operatives in black suits and black shades, sitting in on college practices throughout the country, looking for tournament sleepers. Leon Panetta, in a small gym in Richmond, lifts his wrist to his mouth. "VCU is looking promising this year. Pencil them in for a run to the Sweet Sixteen. Over and out, Mr. President..." FRANK BASQUIAT

The Sounders Have Yet to Score

Through a cloud of smoke in my apartment and rain on the television, the Sounders' March 9 preseason match against the Colorado Rapids was a glorious silver haze. Seemed auspicious. Like this was going to be our year. TV announcers intoned that "happy days are here again in the Northwest" (maybe they were stoned, too?), and we scored three times, twice by Fredy Montero, the 23-year-old Colombian who does most of our scoring (and has racked up multiple rape allegations, all later dropped). Scoring is his thing. He celebrated that third goal against Colorado by running over to a corner of the field, taking the bendy flag in his hand, dipping it like it was a lady, and singing to it. Last season, he once ran to a corner flag and literally humped it.

For the March 15 season opener against the LA Galaxy, the day goals started counting, Montero's magic culo was on the field again, but then again so was David Beckham's, but then again so was a whole bunch of rain—would that work to our advantage? I kept remembering the amazing maneuvering Montero pulled off in that torrent against Colorado, but aside from some solid playing and some pretty spectacular eating of shit on the wet fake grass, the Sounders failed to be amazing against LA.

Seattle Times Sounders reporter Joshua Mayers was totally high for predicting a draw. Eventually, a drunk fan in the stands took his shirt off and play-fucked the guy next to him—because we were getting fucked, maybe? Final score: 0–1. Four days later, the Sounders lost to the New York Red Bulls, also 0–1. Some time in, a crestfallen announcer pointed out that the Sounders "have yet to score a point" this season, and later he had the insight that not scoring in the first two games of the season was "not part of the plan," and by the last 10 minutes was referring to the "men in rave green trying desperately" to "rescue"... something. My notes become illegible. Must've been all the crying. Seattle plays Houston on Friday, March 25, at Qwest Field. There's a good chance of rain. CHRISTOPHER FRIZZELLE

In Pot News

Medical marijuana dispensaries—which are not technically legal—should be allowed to open around the city, according to the mayor, the city attorney, and the entire city council. The bill in the state legislature that would do that, SB 5073, has passed the senate and is now in the house... On March 19, a medical marijuana dispensary in West Seattle was robbed by a gun- wielding man and two teens, who stole the store's stash, along with employees' and customers' wallets, before being caught... On March 20, Central District resident Amy cured her Sunday-evening sadness by getting high and watching episodes of Angela Lansbury's Murder, She Wrote. "I also put cheese on a hot dog bun under the broiler," reports Amy. recommended